Ace of Spades HQ

August 10, 2012

Cool Facts About Paul Ryan
— Ace

I don't think voters will have a problem with the Ryan budget. What I think they'll have a problem with are his *murders.*

So:

Romney/Ryan slogan: "Let's get America killing again"

He pushed grandma off a cliff, and all she could talk about was what a nice boy he was

Paul Ryan voted Prom King, Most Likely To Torture Dogs

Bio: Paul Ryan's inaugural murder was December 8, 1989.

Bio: Paul Ryan acknowledged as expert in budget, ligatures

Dick Cheney taught George Bush how to murder. Paul Ryan taught Dick Cheney.

ANGUISHED SURVIVOR REVEALS: "ALL I HEARD WAS 'HEY, GIRL'"

Paul Ryan has only two speeds: All-Out, and Murder.

Posted by: Ace at 11:11 PM | Comments (427)
Post contains 119 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Paul Ryan is under the red hood.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:15 PM (xSegX)

2 Paul Ryan once had to choke a bitch.

But to be fair, she made him.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:18 PM (xSegX)

3 Paul Ryan taught Jamie Gum how to puts the lotion in the basket, and to sew IYKWIMAITTYD.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:19 PM (Dnbau)

4 Paul Ryan had Hannibal Lecter's liver with fava beans and White Zinfandel! Gauche.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:21 PM (xSegX)

5 Paul Ryan was the last plague over Egypt, killing first borns and forcing Pharoh to let his people go.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:21 PM (Dnbau)

6 Paul Ryan only has two speeds: Full-tilt, and Murder.

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:21 PM (fxHyG)

7 Maybe I can like this guy after all.

Posted by: Harry Reid at August 10, 2012 11:22 PM (KaIAt)

8 Paul Ryan owned a barber shop on Fleet Street.

Want a pie?

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:23 PM (xSegX)

9 Paul Ryan like to chew gum and kill people, and he's all out of gum

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:23 PM (Dnbau)

10 Paul Ryan stole my heart, so I must be dead too!

Posted by: Beth at August 10, 2012 11:24 PM (kBxk7)

11 Paul Ryan shot a man in Reno. Also in his right lung.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:25 PM (xSegX)

12 Paul Ryan whispered to Joel Schumacher, "Joel, remember, it's a cartoon!"

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:25 PM (xSegX)

13 Paul Ryan likes noodling catfish. Also drowning old people.

Posted by: Beth at August 10, 2012 11:26 PM (kBxk7)

14 What color are Paul Ryan's eyes?

Trick question, anybody who's ever seen them has turned to stone.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:28 PM (xSegX)

15 Paul Ryan like to bow hunt, with the quiver made from the dried gut of his enemies

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:28 PM (Dnbau)

16 "Dexter" is based on Paul Ryan - who actually doesn't save blood samples, he saves teeth.

Posted by: Beth at August 10, 2012 11:29 PM (kBxk7)

17 Paul Ryan gives out cheeseheads.

Cheeseheads with razor blades on the inside.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:29 PM (xSegX)

18 Paul Ryan like to bow hunt, with the quiver made from the dried gut of his enemies

When asked if he preferred the crossbow to the longbow, he said, "Yes."

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:30 PM (xSegX)

19 Paul Ryan. When there are just too many motherfuckers in the house.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:31 PM (bxiXv)

20 Paul Ryan invented the "piledriver" when he was five years old, and his neighbor's kid wanted to spend all thier money on candy.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:32 PM (bxiXv)

21 Paul Ryan went swimming in the Gulf of Mexico. People on the show called it "Katrina".

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:32 PM (Dnbau)

22 Paul Ryan makes bullets out of his own frozen blood. Because he WANTS the police to know who did it.

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:33 PM (fxHyG)

23 The shore, not show. Gad.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:33 PM (Dnbau)

24 Paul Ryan - when you have to kill every big-spender in the room, accept no substitutes.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:33 PM (bxiXv)

25 Paul Ryan - balancing the budget, one cooling corpse at a time.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:33 PM (bxiXv)

26 There was no Global Warming until Paul Ryan was born. Fact.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:34 PM (Dnbau)

27 (should be "gradually cooling corpse")

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:34 PM (bxiXv)

28 Paul Ryan eats lightning and craps lightning-poop.

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:35 PM (fxHyG)

29 Yucca Mountain was never really going to be used to dispose of radioactive waste. Paul Ryan just wanted to bury the bodies there.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:35 PM (Dnbau)

I just was thinking...

It would be very cool, if Mitt showed up at a stop during his bus tour wearing a crew neck, long sleeve blue shirt rolled up past the elbows..aka "Working Man" look and pounded the "O" on his no jobs per present. I could very much like that!

Posted by: Richard at August 10, 2012 11:36 PM (ed5RO)

31 Paul Ryan put the snakes on the plane.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 10, 2012 11:36 PM (eHIJJ)

32 Paul Ryan will take a baseball bat into cabinet meetings. But he won't caress it like Obama, he'll wield it like Al Capone.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:36 PM (xSegX)

All your buses belong to us!

Posted by: Admiral AkVagina at August 10, 2012 11:37 PM (D7lJF)

34 Paul Ryan will kill one legislator every 24 hours until the budget is balanced, or the chamber is empty... or both.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:38 PM (bxiXv)

35 Paul Ryan instigates deadly soccer riots in Europe, because soccer bores him so.

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:38 PM (fxHyG)

36 Death Valley? Named after Paul Ryan.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 10, 2012 11:38 PM (eHIJJ)

37 Monsters, Inc. was based on the life of Paul Ryan.

He never ate a dog.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 10, 2012 11:38 PM (QK3qp)

38 Ummm Dude has to first names

Posted by: DMcKussic at August 10, 2012 11:38 PM (nKqgM)

39 Paul Ryan told the British to use the Liverpool Protocol, depriving old people of water so they would hurry up and die already.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:39 PM (Dnbau)

40 Paul Ryan has a good comeback to every argument. That comeback is ricin.

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:39 PM (fxHyG)

41 Paul Ryan: "How much would you give us for Hawaii?" China: "With or without the people?" Paul Ryan: "Make me an offer."

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:39 PM (bxiXv)

Paul Ryan...

"IN COMING!!!!"

Posted by: Richard at August 10, 2012 11:39 PM (ed5RO)

43 Paul Ryan doesn't give the guys shirts. He gives them the bubonic plague.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 10, 2012 11:40 PM (eHIJJ)

44 you misspelled that, it should be EY GURL

Posted by: The Dude at August 10, 2012 11:40 PM (tw6Ar)

45 Paul Ryan is a closet Geinsian.

Posted by: Rex Harrison's Hat at August 10, 2012 11:40 PM (aRm9G)

46 i love that man

Posted by: canadian push up bras' at August 10, 2012 11:40 PM (D7lJF)

47 One Paul Ryan, one riot... one graveyard.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:41 PM (bxiXv)

48 Paul Ryan brought AIDS to Africa. Fact.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:41 PM (Dnbau)

49 BuzzFeed accused Paul Ryan of killing ten men in Belize on a bet. He responded with a one-word e-mail: "More."

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:42 PM (bxiXv)

50 Paul Ryan: "How much would you give us for Hawaii?"

China: "With or without the people?"

Paul Ryan: "Make me an offer."

China: "How about Guam? We hear it's about to tip over anyway."

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:43 PM (xSegX)

51 Paul Ryan modified Revere's Ride to "three if by Air".

He never ate a dog.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 10, 2012 11:43 PM (QK3qp)

52 Paul Ryan killed Christmas.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 10, 2012 11:43 PM (eHIJJ)

53 Paul Ryan drove around with Sandra Fluke on the roof of his car until the UV rays gave her cancer. Then he held her down, gave her an extremely short haircut, and failed to report any of this as taxable income.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at August 10, 2012 11:43 PM (qyQRd)

54 Paul Ryan didn't invent the spree-killing, but he's put more effort than anyone into perfecting it.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:44 PM (bxiXv)

55 Paul Ryan collects the tears of his victims. We call them, the great lakes.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:44 PM (Dnbau)

Paul Ryan...

"A man has got to know his limitations...."BANG"..."BANG!!"

Posted by: Richard at August 10, 2012 11:44 PM (ed5RO)

57 Paul Ryan to DC, "What this town needs is an enema!"

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 10, 2012 11:45 PM (y2dm+)

58 This is how you know how serious Paul Ryan is: He has a lucky shovel.

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:45 PM (fxHyG)

59 Paul Ryan is destroying the rainforests because he got a bad meal at that crappy restaurant

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:46 PM (Dnbau)

60 Paul Ryan has planted bombs in Nordstrom stores all around the country. If you don't learn to control your spending, he'll control it for you.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:46 PM (bxiXv)

61 Paul Ryan's knives are like angels and his tears are like escape.

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:47 PM (fxHyG)

62 I invented this meme, you know.

Posted by: Fareed Zakaria at August 10, 2012 11:47 PM (xSegX)

63 Paul Ryan's idea of "sustainability" is "If you don't stop spending so much, I will mail you your fingers in a molded Jell-o dessert."

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:48 PM (bxiXv)

64 On inauguration day, Vice President Paul Ryan is going to unleash the secret society of Vatican Jesuit Albino Assassins quietly waiting offshore and install a papist puppet government.

Posted by: Hidajunshin at August 10, 2012 11:48 PM (20NzC)

65 Paul Ryan murdered a man and then Fareed Zakaria stabbed the same corpse.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:48 PM (xSegX)

66 Paul Ryan murdered the virginity of Suzanne Barr.

He never at a dog.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 10, 2012 11:49 PM (QK3qp)

67 Paul Ryan, like Paul Anka, insists the guys have shirts. However, the shirts are made of human flesh.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:49 PM (Dnbau)

68 Paul Ryan thinks that the Vice President is in charge of hookers and blow.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:49 PM (xSegX)

69 We SHOULD trade Hawaii to China for forgiveness on our outstanding debt. Lest from its loins another Obama springs. OR DID HE???

Posted by: DAve at August 10, 2012 11:50 PM (b3RBA)

70 Paul Ryan hates red ink. It reminds him of his blood-soaked past.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 10, 2012 11:50 PM (eHIJJ)

71 Paul Ryan looked at what he had wrought, and shed a single tear in honor of the fallen. Then, he grabbed the chain to which the last 84 survivors were shackled, and led them to a secret valley where he would begin repopulating the Earth. "The budget," he thought, "is balanced."

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:50 PM (bxiXv)

72 Paul Ryan is Darth Vader's father.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 10, 2012 11:51 PM (QK3qp)

73 Paul Ryan is determined to balance the budget on the backs of his mangled corpses.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:51 PM (xSegX)

74 Paul Ryan is the real Searchlight Strangler, he framed Harry Reid.

Posted by: cm9000 at August 10, 2012 11:51 PM (lzvtR)

Paul Ryan,

A P-38 Lightning about to ruin your candle-light BBQ for the "O" out on the South Hamptons....bitches!

Posted by: Richard at August 10, 2012 11:51 PM (ed5RO)

76 The red carpets in the House were tan before Paul Ryan got there.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:52 PM (bxiXv)

77 Paul Ryan's budget mantra is "Ass, grass, or gas, no one rides for free."

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:52 PM (fxHyG)

78 Paul Ryan knows where Joe is.

Unfortunately for Joe.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 10, 2012 11:53 PM (l1ZyS)

79 72 Paul Ryan is Darth Vader's father. Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 03:51 AM (QK3qp) Well, that's what Vader told me, anyway, as he cowered in a corner, shaking.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:53 PM (bxiXv)

80 Before politics, Paul Ryan was in medical research, developing new forms of cancer.

Posted by: epobirs at August 10, 2012 11:53 PM (kcfmt)

81 "Paul Ryan" is a killing word.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 10, 2012 11:54 PM (eHIJJ)

82 Paul Ryan asked Tom Clancy to change the name of his heroic President to Jack, in order to throw the MBM off his scent.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 10, 2012 11:54 PM (3yCFy)

83 Paul Ryan plagiarized Doris Kearns Goodwin.

Posted by: cm9000 at August 10, 2012 11:54 PM (lzvtR)

84 Zombies used to be slow.

Now they're fast!?

Yup, saw Ryan coming.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 10, 2012 11:54 PM (l1ZyS)

85 Paul Ryan knows where the body of Jimmy Hoffa is buried--and the unions know he knows.

Posted by: Hidajunshin at August 10, 2012 11:54 PM (20NzC)

86 Harry Reid molests little boys but Paul Ryan molests Harry Reid.

Posted by: epobirs at August 10, 2012 11:54 PM (kcfmt)

87 Paul Ryan also asked Frank Herbert to change the last name of Dune's hero to Atreides, in order to throw the MBM off his scent.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 10, 2012 11:55 PM (3yCFy)

88 Paul Ryan invented "Death-- by Ooga-Booga."

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:55 PM (fxHyG)

89 Saddam Hussein was starting to annoy Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:56 PM (bxiXv)

90 Wheres Waldo? In hiding, from Paul Ryan.

Posted by: epobirs at August 10, 2012 11:56 PM (kcfmt)

91 Paul Ryan is the Kwisatz Haderach.

Posted by: Hidajunshin at August 10, 2012 11:56 PM (20NzC)

92 Paul Ryan told Hitler to open two fronts

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:57 PM (Dnbau)

93 #91: Jinx! You owe me a Coke.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 10, 2012 11:57 PM (3yCFy)

94 Paul Ryan doesn't biol missionaries to death - he does that to door-to-door salesmen. Unless they offer a *really* good deal, because that helps his budget.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 10, 2012 11:57 PM (bxiXv)

95 Paul Ryan made Michael Jackson look at the man in the mirror. Then murdered the mirror.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 10, 2012 11:57 PM (QK3qp)

96 Paul Ryan ghostwrote Dreams from My Father.

Posted by: cm9000 at August 10, 2012 11:58 PM (lzvtR)

97 "Paul the Jackal" doesn't sound quite right, does it? Even if it is true.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:58 PM (xSegX)

98 Paul Ryan made an entire country splash blood over their doors or their first born would die.

Posted by: mesablue at August 10, 2012 11:58 PM (LL5v6)

99 Paul Ryan knows the secret of 50 minute Martinizing.

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:58 PM (fxHyG)

100 And it looks as though I'll be passing that Coke on to Anonymous Drivel at #81.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 10, 2012 11:58 PM (3yCFy)

101 The boogie man looks under the bed for Chuck Norris before he goes to sleep.

Before he goes to bed, Chuck gets Ryan cookies and milk and asks to please be allowed to live thorough the night.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 10, 2012 11:58 PM (l1ZyS)

102 Paul Ryan shot a flaming arrow at the Hindenberg because he felt like s'mores.

Posted by: thunderb at August 10, 2012 11:58 PM (Dnbau)

103 The Warren Zevon song, Excitable Boy? Need I say more?

Posted by: epobirs at August 10, 2012 11:59 PM (kcfmt)

104 Paul Ryan knows the secret of 50 minute Martinizing.

Revealing a secret: "Martin" is my surname. I want a 50-minute Martinizing sign.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 10, 2012 11:59 PM (xSegX)

105 Paul Ryan's motto is "The best knife is a gun and the best gun is a patsy."

Posted by: ace at August 10, 2012 11:59 PM (fxHyG)

106

Paul Ryan,

Has already kicked the "O's" ass twice on MSM, so they are all pissing their colllective pampers cause they ....got....NOTHING!!

Posted by: Richard at August 11, 2012 12:00 AM (ed5RO)

107 The survivors of the Armed Islamic Group called their suffering "The Algerian Village Massacres." Paul Ryan calls that "Saturday."

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:00 AM (bxiXv)

108 Paul Ryan created the "red shirt" corps on the Enterprise.

Posted by: Hidajunshin at August 11, 2012 12:00 AM (20NzC)

109 Paul Ryan gave Maxwell that silver hammer.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 12:00 AM (QK3qp)

110 Paul Ryan told Geraldo Rivera to run a prime time special about "the vault."

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:00 AM (LL5v6)

111 Nickname: The Spider.
The story behind the nickname is complicated, and involves the use of many tools at once.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 12:01 AM (+0Qbz)

112 Paul Ryan invented Rickrolling.

Posted by: cm9000 at August 11, 2012 12:01 AM (lzvtR)

113 Paul Ryan only reaches across the aisle when his machete blade is too short.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 12:01 AM (eHIJJ)

114 Every time Paul Ryan looks at somebody, the universe splits in two branches. One for each way he might choose, because there are only two choices for Paul Ryan when looking at another person.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:01 AM (kcfmt)

115 108 Paul Ryan created the "red shirt" corps on the Enterprise. Posted by: Hidajunshin at August 11, 2012 04:00 AM (20NzC) And then, he killed them.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:01 AM (bxiXv)

116 Obama gives Chrissy Matthews a tingle UP his leg.

Ryan makes him, um, well, lets just say it goes down his leg.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:02 AM (l1ZyS)

117 Paul Ryan gave Dan Rather's assistant a "special" typewriter.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:02 AM (LL5v6)

118 Paul Ryan only reaches across the aisle when his machete blade is too short.

Thread winna!

Posted by: AmishDude at August 11, 2012 12:02 AM (xSegX)

119 Paul Ryan told the Mayan's it would be a good idea to sacrifice their children to end the drought. He doesn't like Mexican food.

Posted by: thunderb at August 11, 2012 12:02 AM (Dnbau)

120 116 Obama gives Chrissy Matthews a tingle UP his leg. Ryan makes him, um, well, lets just say it goes down his leg. Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 04:02 AM (l1ZyS) To rephrase: "Ryan sends a tinkle down his leg."

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:03 AM (bxiXv)

121 RYAN is a secondary DIABLO. Cake girl told us so. ROMNEY, on the other hand is THE DEVIL himself. That's because they want to bring down the light bringer Obama.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at August 11, 2012 12:03 AM (Hbnr+)

122 Paul Ryan was the first man to caution Gary Gygax about "The Monty Haul Campaign."

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:03 AM (fxHyG)

123 Glenn Greenwald has nothing bad to say about Paul Ryan.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:04 AM (LL5v6)

124 In approximately 600 AD, the Moche people of South America, known for their human sacrifices and cannibalism, suddenly fled their cities, built stone forts in the hills, then disappeared without a trace. That's what happens when you piss Paul Ryan off.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:04 AM (bxiXv)

125 Paul Ryan invented subliminal advertising. He used a gun.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:04 AM (fxHyG)

126 Paul Ryan didn't start the Politics of Personal Destruction, but he will end it.

Posted by: cm9000 at August 11, 2012 12:04 AM (lzvtR)

127 The FBi's leading team of profilers all resigned rather than look closely at the Paul Ryan file. Something about 'ever sleeping again.'

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:04 AM (kcfmt)

128 The Grim Reaper has Paul Ryan on speed dial.

Posted by: GnuBreed at August 11, 2012 12:06 AM (cHZB7)

129 Gary Gygax was famous for giving RPG players the tools they needed to overcome a challenge - but only after they overcame that challenge. Actually, Paul Ryan did that, just to fuck with people.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:06 AM (bxiXv)

130 #126

Paul Ryan will be famous for the Politics of Impersonal Destruction, because he just doesn't have time for your shit. But you're guilty of something. You'll know what in the final moment.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:06 AM (kcfmt)

131 Firearms are rated single shot, semi-automatic, fully automatic and Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 12:07 AM (QK3qp)

132 Paul Ryan can and often does make one-handed hip shots with his rifle.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 12:07 AM (+0Qbz)

133 Paul Ryan has two rules: 1, there are no rules, and 2, he gets to make love to your wife's face.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:07 AM (fxHyG)

134 Paul Ryan's FBI codename is "Oh, Shit! It's Paul Ryan. Run for your Lives!"

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 12:07 AM (eHIJJ)

135 Paul Ryan's legal name used to be Julius and Ethel Rosenburg.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:08 AM (LL5v6)

136 131 is the new thread leader in the clubhouse

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:08 AM (l1ZyS)

137 Paul Ryan used to hang around with John Wayne Gacy.

Posted by: Hidajunshin at August 11, 2012 12:08 AM (20NzC)

138 Paul Ryan has an Eryx anti-tank missile launcher in his trunk. He intends to walk into the first post-election budget meeting and say, "Hi, my name is Paul Ryan. People don't always recognize me, that's why I carry this."

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:08 AM (bxiXv)

139 If Paul Ryan didn't exist.... well he does so suck it, atheists.

Posted by: cm9000 at August 11, 2012 12:08 AM (lzvtR)

140

Paul Ryan,

Took one look at Sacramento and stated that we needed to up-date HAZ-MAT doctrine for the country over-all!

Posted by: Richard at August 11, 2012 12:09 AM (ed5RO)

141 Ancient Aliens built the pyramids just to appease Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 12:09 AM (QK3qp)

142 132 Paul Ryan can and often does make one-handed hip shots with his rifle. Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 04:07 AM (+0Qbz) And it's a Barrett 30mm anti-materiel rifle.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:09 AM (bxiXv)

143 All Paul Ryan does is KILL.

Posted by: BH at August 11, 2012 12:09 AM (087UA)

144 God did not create the sun, Paul Ryan did.

Needed better light for shooting.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:09 AM (l1ZyS)

145 Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face because Paul Ryan told him it would be funny.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:10 AM (fxHyG)

146 Why haven't Aliens openly contacted humanity? Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:10 AM (bxiXv)

147 Paul Ryan opens every subcommittee hearing with "Say 'Hello' to my little friend!"

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 12:10 AM (eHIJJ)

148 Joe Biden walked up to Paul Ryan at the beach and asked, "Hey, Paul! How can I get the ladies to love me the way they love you? Help me out, buddy; I'm not getting any action here!"

Ryan replied, "Try putting a potato in your swimming trunks."

Biden returned to Ryan a while later and said, "It didn't work. It's worse than ever now! The ladies take one look at me and walk away!"

Ryan replied, "Umm... you have to put the potato in the FRONT of your trunks."

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 11, 2012 12:10 AM (3yCFy)

149 Paul Ryan is deeply interested in industrial robotics. Because there is only so much time in a day and those old folks aren't going to throw themselves off that cliff.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:11 AM (kcfmt)

150 Atlantis vanished because Paul Ryan got annoyed at their spending habits.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:11 AM (y2dm+)

151 Paul Ryan will tear your world asunder but not before he's done with the plunder, ladies.

Posted by: derit at August 11, 2012 12:12 AM (ruiF1)

152 Paul Ryan didn't like Joe Paterno. Just sayin'.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 11, 2012 12:12 AM (xSegX)

153 Paul Ryan is getting a bad rap in this thread. He will let you live.

For now.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:12 AM (l1ZyS)

154 This is Paul Ryan's Sex Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AphxyjrH4SE

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:12 AM (fxHyG)

155

Paul Ryan,

Jerry Brown will hide in place or the next 2 years. He has his fav. bath houses all lined up.

Posted by: Richard at August 11, 2012 12:12 AM (ed5RO)

156 In early 2006, the Security Council of the UN met in secret to arrange the New Security Protocols for Control of Paul Ryan. John Bolton told them it wasn't worth the risk of Paul Ryan finding out. So they dropped it.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:13 AM (bxiXv)

157 Paul Ryan opposes abortion because that means there are fewer people to eventually kill once they reach the sporting age of adulthood.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 12:13 AM (+0Qbz)

158 Paul Ryan gave the Soviets the Bomb because it just wasn't sporting otherwise.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:13 AM (kcfmt)

159 Paul Ryan's gotten laid more times off "Working hard or hardly working?" than you've had sodas.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:13 AM (fxHyG)

160 Paul Ryan made Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers just to laugh at him before he killed him.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 12:13 AM (QK3qp)

161 The Higgs boson particle finally came out of hiding this year because Paul Ryan held a shotgun to it's face for the last twenty years and it finally admitted to "hating a bitch."

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:14 AM (LL5v6)

162 This Paul Ryan fella gives me the creeps.

Posted by: Shiva, Lord of Death and Destruction at August 11, 2012 12:14 AM (cHZB7)

163 My lib friends are freaking out on Facebook. This was a bold move.

Posted by: Mister Christopher at August 11, 2012 12:15 AM (DQhAB)

164 Epic thread

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:15 AM (l1ZyS)

165 This is Paul Ryan's "let's start the work day" song: http://youtu.be/RwhqqUc3irI

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:15 AM (bxiXv)

166 Porn was invented because hey, Paul Ryan can't screw ALL of the women.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:16 AM (l1ZyS)

167 Paul Ryan lays more pipe than the utilities company.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 12:16 AM (+0Qbz)

168 Paul Ryan wants to reform medicare and social security so he can get your mother's address, take her out for steak and never call her again

Posted by: thunderb at August 11, 2012 12:16 AM (Dnbau)

169 Yeah, Gordon Gekko and a granny killer. Good luck wingnuts. My exclusive Emily Dickinson University poll shows Obama/Biden with a 75-20 lead.

Posted by: Chi-town Gerg at August 11, 2012 12:16 AM (Asr6U)

170 They once tried to surgically remove Paul Ryan from a victim. His blood was reveal to be a super-acid that ate through the floor and threatened to expose the crew to vacuum.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:16 AM (kcfmt)

171 Paul Ryan's got a shark for a cock. I don't mean he's got a big dick. I mean he's got a shark for a cock.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:17 AM (fxHyG)

172 Paul Ryan is my Boss's Boss's Boss.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:17 AM (bxiXv)

173

Paul Ryan,

Iran has gone to ground with their nuk-nuk program ......because....WELL FUCKIN-"A"....Paul Ryan!!!!!

Posted by: Richard at August 11, 2012 12:17 AM (ed5RO)

174 Michelle Obama thinks Paul Ryan is cute.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:17 AM (LL5v6)

175 Love this guy Ryan I have been hearing so much about.

Posted by: The Prince of Darkness at August 11, 2012 12:18 AM (l1ZyS)

176 Diane Sawyer drinks to forget Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 12:18 AM (QK3qp)

177 Romney doesn't need to worry. It's mercy, compassion and forgiveness Ryan lacks; not rationality.

Posted by: Viv Lee at August 11, 2012 12:18 AM (oK1U6)

178 Fast food restaurants that don't sell Coke, just Pepsi, actually do keep an emergency coke supply around just in case he shows up.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 12:18 AM (+0Qbz)

179 Paul Ryan supports Voter ID law since it helps him stalk his victims easier.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 12:18 AM (eHIJJ)

180 You know when you used to leave a phone off the hook and after a while it would start making this weird whirrr-irrrr-whirrr noise? Paul Ryan hears that in his head ALL DAY LONG.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:18 AM (fxHyG)

181 Paul Ryan is the reason VD is on the rise among the elderly

Posted by: thunderb at August 11, 2012 12:18 AM (Dnbau)

182 Paul Ryan is #1 on Michelle Obama's speeddial. An unnamed source told me so.

Posted by: DAve at August 11, 2012 12:19 AM (b3RBA)

183

Paul

Ryan....yup...

Posted by: Richard at August 11, 2012 12:19 AM (ed5RO)

184 Paul Ryan thinks what is best in life is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, to hear the lamentation of their women and to balance the budget. But mostly the first one.

Posted by: AmishDude at August 11, 2012 12:19 AM (xSegX)

185 Palul Ryan, two first names and the last thing you'll hear.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at August 11, 2012 12:19 AM (xKC/c)

186 Paul Ryan is. That is all. What more do you need to for nightmare fuel?

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:20 AM (kcfmt)

187 Antarctica is a frozen wasteland because they didn't listen when Paul Ryan told them they were spending too much money.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 11, 2012 12:20 AM (3yCFy)

188 When tigers dream, they dream of Paul Ryan.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:20 AM (fxHyG)

189 Paul Ryan gave Jack the Ripper the recipe for Chick Fil A.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 12:21 AM (QK3qp)

190 Paul Ryan met Obama when he was a student at Columbia and said, "hey dude, screw academics." " No one will ever know."

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:21 AM (LL5v6)

191 Fine then, don't eat your vegetables.

I'm sure Ryan won't find out.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:21 AM (l1ZyS)

192 #188: And they wake up whimpering.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 11, 2012 12:21 AM (3yCFy)

193 Paul Ryan has actually had brain cancer for the last 15 years. Death is just afraid to collect.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 12:21 AM (+0Qbz)

194 Paul Ryan killed all the dinasauers so they would turn into petroleum and destroy our planet

Posted by: thunderb at August 11, 2012 12:22 AM (Dnbau)

195 Ryan mostly comes at night. Mostly.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:22 AM (l1ZyS)

196 Paul Ryan is The Stig. When he finishes a run he puts his human suit back on and get down to real business.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:22 AM (kcfmt)

197 Paul Ryan calls the Grim Reaper, "Daddy's little helper."

Posted by: Blanco Basura at August 11, 2012 12:22 AM (xKC/c)

198 A thousand years from now, parents will tell their children, "If you don't watch what you spend, Paul Ryan will get you." And if the kids don't believe it, the parents will show them the mass graves.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:22 AM (bxiXv)

199 Paul Ryan's childhood monster under the bed served him midnight snacks.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:23 AM (y2dm+)

200 Ever hear of "the evil eye"? It's Paul Ryan's. More specifically, it's his right one. His left eye is even more sinister.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 12:23 AM (eHIJJ)

201 Paul Ryan's closet monster kept a nightlight on just in case Paul Ryan decided to scare him.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:23 AM (y2dm+)

202 When the Vikings set up a village in what's now the United States, it wasn't Indians who kicked them off our shores. It was Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 11, 2012 12:24 AM (3yCFy)

203 Paul Ryan gives Freddy Krueger nightmares.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 12:24 AM (QK3qp)

204 Some say he owns the entire set of serial killing victim blood samples, and he was able to deduct the travel and collection expenses. Ladies and gentlemen, The Paul Ryan!

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:24 AM (bxiXv)

205 Screams are the only thing that can relax him to sleep. Screams, or an ounce of scotch.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 12:24 AM (+0Qbz)

206 Jason Voorhees lives in fear of Paul Ryan armed with a hockey stick.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:25 AM (y2dm+)

207 Romney / Ryan 2012:
When they met, it was murder.

Posted by: Max at August 11, 2012 12:26 AM (YxaXw)

208 According to Paul Ryan -- "it all floats down here."

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:26 AM (LL5v6)

209 As an infant, Paul Ryan squeezed a dime between his fingers so tightly that his parents couldn't get it away from him for a month.

He wasn't trying hold on to his money, he was trying to suffocate FDR.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at August 11, 2012 12:26 AM (xKC/c)

210 Some say that in space, he can hear you scream, and that Mountain Gorillas flee in terror when they see him. Ladies and gentlemen, The Paul Ryan!

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:26 AM (bxiXv)

211 Count Dracula consults Paul Ryan on which vintage of blood is best.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 12:26 AM (eHIJJ)

212 Then Zod went down on his knees and swore fealty to Paul Ryan.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:27 AM (kcfmt)

213 No, Paul Ryan wasn't in Skull and Bones. But he did supply their skulls and bones.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 12:27 AM (YxaXw)

214 Every Stephen King book set in Colorado was actually a prophecy predicting the vacation that Paul Ryan is in the process of cutting short to accept the VP nomination.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 11, 2012 12:27 AM (3yCFy)

215 cake girl didn't bake that cake. She delivered it. It was from the devil, to Paul Ryan

Posted by: thunderb at August 11, 2012 12:27 AM (Dnbau)

216 What separated Medusa's Gorgon head from her body? Paul Ryan's razor-sharp gaze across a bloated spreadsheet.

Posted by: derit at August 11, 2012 12:28 AM (ruiF1)

217 FDR didn't die of a progressively worsening disease, Paul Ryan's disapproval simply reached back in time and sucked Roosevelt's life away.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:28 AM (bxiXv)

218 Paul Ryan considers Vlad Tepes a piker.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:28 AM (y2dm+)

219 After seeing Paul Ryan, Michelle Obama said she was "sexually aroused by a man for the first time in My adult life."

Posted by: cm9000 at August 11, 2012 12:28 AM (lzvtR)

220 When Paul Ryan hunts deer, he doesn't use a bow or a gun. He uses a rag soaked in chloroform. And then, when he's captured several deer, he FORCES one to murder the others.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 12:29 AM (fxHyG)

221 There is no Zuul. There is only Paul Ryan.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:29 AM (kcfmt)

222 Romney didn't just choose Ryan because he's a budget hawk, he did it to save the lives of the other candidates.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:29 AM (bxiXv)

223 They say that in space, nobody can hear you scream. Well, Paul Ryan can.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 11, 2012 12:29 AM (3yCFy)

224 Jimmy Carter once gave Paul Ryan a pet rabbit.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:29 AM (LL5v6)

225

Paul Ryan,

The veeerrrry bad liberal acid trip...for the next 2 decades...or more!

Posted by: Richard at August 11, 2012 12:30 AM (ed5RO)

226 218 Paul Ryan considers Vlad Tepes a piker. Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 04:28 AM (y2dm+) I see what you did there.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:30 AM (bxiXv)

227 When Paul Ryan wants someone dead, they usually ask him when, where, and how they should die.

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:30 AM (l1ZyS)

228

In Xanadu

Cake Girl declared

VP: Ryan to be

Posted by: DAve at August 11, 2012 12:30 AM (b3RBA)

229 Paul Ryan's heart is still beating, still beating, breaking out of his body and flying away like a bat out of hell!

Posted by: Meatloaf at August 11, 2012 12:30 AM (QK3qp)

230 Nancy Pelosi recoils in fear every time she sees Paul Ryan, you just can't tell.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 12:30 AM (YxaXw)

231 And then, when he's captured several deer, he FORCES one to murder the others. Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 04:29 AM (fxHyG) There are no surviving witnesses willing to describe what happened on the shark-hunting trip.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:30 AM (bxiXv)

232 #217

Perhaps he generated a deadly tachyon wave with that dome squeezing.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:30 AM (kcfmt)

233 #231

Professional courtesy.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:31 AM (kcfmt)

234 Merovign, yep.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:31 AM (y2dm+)

235 Prior to the release of "The Phantom Menace" Paul Ryan told George Lucas- "George, you need to kill off this Darth Maul guy and put in more Jar Jar Binks, the kids will love him."

Posted by: Darth Randall at August 11, 2012 12:32 AM (lxc0s)

236 A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, you were still not safe from Paul Ryan

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:32 AM (l1ZyS)

237 Paul Ryan wasn't born, he burst angrily from the chest of an Alien.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:32 AM (bxiXv)

238 Klingons did not know war until they met Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:33 AM (y2dm+)

239 Red Tides? That's not algae. That's runoff from Paul Ryan's back yard after a long, "productive" weekend.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 12:33 AM (eHIJJ)

240 Nancy Pelosi get her collagen shots from Paul Ryan's impeccable ass.

On time delay.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:34 AM (LL5v6)

241 Paul Ryan once ran a driving school Uganda. Idi Amin was aghast at the traffic carnage. When he said, "They were all very bad drivers," he was quoting Paul Ryan.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:34 AM (kcfmt)

242 Galactus modeled his life after Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:34 AM (bxiXv)

243 The honey badger is the result of a sordid coupling of Paul Ryan and the native Wisconsin badger.

Posted by: thunderb at August 11, 2012 12:35 AM (Dnbau)

244 After striding out of the womb, Paul Ryan slapped the nurse's butt to show the OB/Gyn. doc how a man hits that ass.

Posted by: derit at August 11, 2012 12:35 AM (ruiF1)

245 BOC wrote Harvester of Eyes because Ryan inspired them to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu5bPJ-b6Nw

Harvester of eyes, that's me
And I see all there is to see
When I look inside your head
Right up front to the back of your skull

Well that's my sign that you are dead
My list for you checks off as null
I'm the harvester of eyes ...........

Paul Ryan is also the reason they don't use more cowbell.

Posted by: GnuBreed at August 11, 2012 12:35 AM (cHZB7)

246 Paul Ryan was born with a job.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 12:35 AM (+0Qbz)

247 The ending of Duke Nukem 3D was inspired by Paul Ryan's first encounter with a Keynesian.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 12:35 AM (YxaXw)

248 Paul Ryan came up with the landing sequence for Curiosity, just to fuck with NASA.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 12:36 AM (QK3qp)

249 Master Chief is based on the life and times of Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:36 AM (y2dm+)

250 A secret expedition to Lake Vostok, buried beneath the Antarctic Ice, finally discovered the resting place of Paul Ryan's victims. Unfortunately, they also set off Ryan's pager alarm.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:36 AM (bxiXv)

251 Paul Ryan ate Chick-fil-A on Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day. Two days later, gay activists didn't have anywhere to hold their Kiss-In.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 11, 2012 12:36 AM (3yCFy)

252 Paul Ryan didn't invent trigonometry.

But he can show you a really neat angle your spine can make..

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:37 AM (l1ZyS)

253 Joe Biden had a dream about Paul Ryan -- then he forgot it.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:37 AM (LL5v6)

254

Paul Ryan recommended Damon Lindlehoff to Ridley Scott.

Posted by: Darth Randall at August 11, 2012 12:38 AM (lxc0s)

255 They tried to make a clone of Paul Ryan, instead they got Joe Biden.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:38 AM (y2dm+)

256 Machiavelli's The Prince is based on the life of Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:39 AM (y2dm+)

257 The only line in Star Wars directly quoted from Paul Ryan: "...you will die."

Posted by: Blanco Basura at August 11, 2012 12:40 AM (xKC/c)

258 It's not nice to fool mother nature.

But it's just downright stupid to even think of fooling Paul Ryan

Posted by: kinlaw at August 11, 2012 12:40 AM (l1ZyS)

259 Paul Ryan died and came back as a spirit to sit in Nancy Pelosi's lap.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:40 AM (LL5v6)

260 Paul Ryan once fought Cheney's Warcock to a stalemate. Unfortunately, the violence of the battle caused Pangea to break up.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 12:42 AM (YxaXw)

261 Don't fear Paul Ryan. Paul Ryan *is* fear.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:42 AM (bxiXv)

262 Paul Ryan shot Trayvon. George Zimmerman was honored to be a patsy.

Posted by: cm9000 at August 11, 2012 12:43 AM (lzvtR)

263 Tonight's top story: The sewers run red, with Burgundy's blood!

Tonight's other top story: Paul Ryan seen leaving Ron Burgundy's house. Smiling.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 12:43 AM (eHIJJ)

264 Even Napolitano would hit that.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 12:44 AM (YxaXw)

265 Phrenology became invalid when the eggheads realized that Paul Ryan will screw your brains out no matter what.

Posted by: derit at August 11, 2012 12:44 AM (ruiF1)

266 Helen of Troy called. She's gone straight again.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:44 AM (bxiXv)

267 Anime tentacle monsters run from Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:45 AM (y2dm+)

268 Cthulhu isn't sleeping in cold, dark R'lyeh. He's waiting for Paul Ryan's permission to leave.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:46 AM (bxiXv)

269 Only Paul Ryan can satisfy the crack of dawn.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at August 11, 2012 12:46 AM (QK3qp)

270 Paul Ryan's so cold he wants to drill the ANWAR,

Posted by: Cricket at August 11, 2012 12:47 AM (2ArJQ)

271

Paul Ryan,

Time Traveled back to 1968 and the Demoncrate Convention to help the local P.D horse whip protesters into the vans....John Kerry got a couple of fine below the belt crotch shots with a lead filed hose length which explains his limp dick run for the Oval Office years later.

Posted by: Richard at August 11, 2012 12:48 AM (ed5RO)

272 Paul Ryan only came in 5th in the Boston Marathon ...

... on his hands.

Posted by: ThePrimodialOrderedPair at August 11, 2012 12:48 AM (X3lox)

273 The Devil laid his golden MacBook Pro with Excel at Ryan's feet.

Ryan said "I done told you once, you sonofabitch, I'm the best there's ever been."

Posted by: GnuBreed at August 11, 2012 12:48 AM (cHZB7)

274 Paul Ryan made Sandra Fluke cry.

Posted by: Cricket at August 11, 2012 12:49 AM (2ArJQ)

275 Paul Ryan killed the ONT just to watch it die.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:50 AM (kcfmt)

276

John Carpenter's "The Thing" actually based on Paul Ryan's autobiography.

Posted by: Darth Randall at August 11, 2012 12:50 AM (lxc0s)

277 275 Paul Ryan killed the ONT just to watch it die. Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 04:50 AM (kcfmt) Eh, I think that one's on me.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:51 AM (bxiXv)

278 His farts are not entirely unpleasant: they smell like sawdust and used gear oil.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 12:51 AM (+0Qbz)

279 Paul Ryan once opened a daycare center just to close it.

Posted by: Cricket at August 11, 2012 12:51 AM (2ArJQ)

280

Paul Ryan,

A fine man and a man for our times!

Posted by: Richard at August 11, 2012 12:51 AM (ed5RO)

281 When they saw Paul Ryan at the SOTU, Kagan, Sotomayor, and Napolitano started to question their sexuality.

Posted by: cm9000 at August 11, 2012 12:51 AM (lzvtR)

282 When Paul Ryan was a child, his mother told him at the science fair that, "you didn't build that."

So, he took his puppy out for the "long" walk.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:51 AM (LL5v6)

283 Paul Ryan depopulated the Seven Galaxies, leaving only ghostly widows in his wake. He hasn't wiped us out yet because 7 billion is not enough to bother with.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:52 AM (bxiXv)

284 No mortal may pick up Thor's mighty hammer, but Thor himself cannot get that hot chick back after Paul Ryan made his move following the first movie.

Posted by: derit at August 11, 2012 12:52 AM (ruiF1)

285 Paul Ryan excels at math because he's collected so many fingers and toes.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 12:52 AM (eHIJJ)

286 Paul Ryan went back in time to date Marilyn Monroe.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:53 AM (y2dm+)

287 "Asphalt" is a euphemism for "the ground, dessicated remains of Paul Ryan's victims."

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:54 AM (bxiXv)

288 "Paul Ryan killed the ONT just to watch it die."

Not before Paul Ryan created two hundred sock puppets to talk about kittens and knitting.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 12:55 AM (LL5v6)

289 Elvis and Bruce Lee didn't die, they just went home. Because Paul Ryan told them to.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:55 AM (bxiXv)

290 Paul Ryan never ate a dog but not for lack of offers from the dogs.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:55 AM (kcfmt)

291

Paul Ryan Circa 1978

"Hey George, I have four words for you "Star Wars Holiday Special".

Posted by: Darth Randall at August 11, 2012 12:55 AM (lxc0s)

292 (Why won't you people stop being funny and let me sleep?!?!)

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at August 11, 2012 12:55 AM (bxiXv)

293 Paul Ryan laughed when Santa fell down the chimney.

Posted by: Cricket at August 11, 2012 12:56 AM (2ArJQ)

294 Paul Ryan made Merovign turn his computer off. And Merovign complied.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 12:57 AM (y2dm+)

295 #281: So did Breyer.

Posted by: Prothonotary Warbler at August 11, 2012 12:58 AM (3yCFy)

296 #288

Those puppets? Not made of socks.

The lotion makes all the difference.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 12:59 AM (kcfmt)

297 The constellations are not of noble heroes immortalized by Zeus, but of gods who must hide in the sky from the Ryan fury that blazes across the earth.

Posted by: derit at August 11, 2012 01:00 AM (ruiF1)

298 Dirk Diggler calls it "Paul Ryan". And cries.

Posted by: Marmot at August 11, 2012 01:00 AM (/LSG0)

299 Paul Ryan accused Big Sis of being "pretty."

Posted by: Cricket at August 11, 2012 01:00 AM (2ArJQ)

300 Paul Ryan's goes to 12.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 01:00 AM (YxaXw)

301 Paul Ryan invented the clock to better manage his Earth shattering activities.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 01:00 AM (y2dm+)

302 Paul Ryan told an interviewer that he was thinking of talking to John Roberts about his last opinion and then stared into the camera for a moment.

Within minutes of airing, John Roberts tweeted from Mallorca, "I said that ObamaCare is ATTACKS on Americans, not 'a tax' on Americans. It's un-Constitutional, obviously, and thrown out in toto. Someone please tell Paul Ryan I cleared that up. Please."

Posted by: ThePrimodialOrderedPair at August 11, 2012 01:01 AM (X3lox)

303 8.9% of America willingly went jobless because Paul Ryan promised them a signed photo.

Posted by: mesablue at August 11, 2012 01:01 AM (LL5v6)

304 The beads in Paul Ryan's abacus are carved from the bones of Keynesians.

Posted by: epobirs at August 11, 2012 01:02 AM (kcfmt)

305 Mitt Romney: You're a pistol, you're really funny. You're really funny. Paul Ryan: What do you mean I'm funny? Mitt Romney: It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy. Paul Ryan: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What? Mitt Romney: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything. Paul Ryan: Funny how? What's funny about it? Anthony: Paul no, you got it all wrong. Paul Ryan: Oh, oh, Anthony. He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how? Mitt Romney: Just.... Paul Ryan: What? Mitt Romney: Just... ya know... you're funny. Paul Ryan: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? Mitt Romney: Just... you know, how you tell the story. What? Paul Ryan: No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny! Mitt Romney: Get the fuck out of here, Paul! Paul Ryan: Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Mitt. You may fold at the debates.

Posted by: Lt. Detective Columbo at August 11, 2012 01:03 AM (IvvrO)

306

Paul Ryan circa 1997-

"Hey George, Han is a hero and they never shoot first. You need to make it so it looks like Greedo does".

Posted by: Darth Randall at August 11, 2012 01:03 AM (lxc0s)

307 You get a windows update every time Paul Ryan gets upset with Microsoft.

Posted by: fb at August 11, 2012 01:04 AM (+0Qbz)

308 Roberts had to flee Malta to Mallorca ... just in case Paul Ryan didn't accept his new explanation.

Posted by: ThePrimodialOrderedPair at August 11, 2012 01:04 AM (X3lox)

309 Paul Ryan slashes budgets... stapled to the backs of his aides.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 01:04 AM (eHIJJ)

310 Paul Ryan when he is angry shatters worlds.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at August 11, 2012 01:06 AM (y2dm+)

311 Sojourner Truth was giving Paul Ryan a handjob underneath Nancy Pelosi's table.

Posted by: Marmot at August 11, 2012 01:08 AM (/LSG0)

312 Paul Ryan gives cancer cancer.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 01:10 AM (eHIJJ)

313 Paul Ryan got kicked out of the Choom gang because they weren't into mainlining adrenaline from harvested adrenal glands.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 01:10 AM (YxaXw)

314 There's a drink named after Paul Ryan. It's called "Kill Kill Kill Juice".

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 01:13 AM (eHIJJ)

315 Only Paul Ryan himself knows why Ace chose the theme of Tasty, Tasty Murder for this episode of "Cool Facts About Paul Ryan," but I'll be Goddamned if the Moron Horde didn't run with it like they were made of legs. You make me proud.

Posted by: That Guy Who Says "I Love You Man" When He's Drunk at August 11, 2012 01:13 AM (bxiXv)

316 You're staying up kinda late again, Ace.

Posted by: Dirt McGirt at August 11, 2012 01:16 AM (tUg3e)

317 Which is fine - I can't sleep either.

Posted by: Dirt McGirt at August 11, 2012 01:16 AM (tUg3e)

318 When Paul Ryan goes to "war" on the House floor, he smears blood on his face but only uses platelets and white cells so that his enemies will be caught off guard.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 01:19 AM (eHIJJ)

319 The biopic of Brian Dennehy starred Paul Ryan as Brian Dennehy.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 01:20 AM (YxaXw)

320 The glove fits Paul Ryan. But who's going to tell him that? Kardashian and Cochran already tried.

Posted by: Marmot at August 11, 2012 01:22 AM (/LSG0)

321 When Paul Ryan says "All Americans should have some skin in the game", he means it differently than we do.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 01:23 AM (YxaXw)

322 Paul Ryan shaved, powdered and perfumed my scrotum.

Posted by: ByteMe at August 11, 2012 01:24 AM (oZos4)

323 Paul Ryan got tired of Pelosi, tore her face off and wore it as a mask for 3 days. After a few days he cooled down and gave it back to her.

And now you know... the rest of the story.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 01:26 AM (YxaXw)

324 The only reason that Paul Ryan isn't the father of our country because Paul Ryan chose to give our country's mother anal. While the founding fathers watched.

Posted by: In Exile at August 11, 2012 01:28 AM (BnKt5)

325 Doesn't Debbie Wasserman Shultz look a little different after that time she tried to give Paul Ryan a BJ?

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 01:28 AM (YxaXw)

326 Well well well. This is nice to hear at 3:30 in the morning. I woke up out of a sound sleep. Must have been a disturbance in the Force!

Posted by: Y-not on the phone at August 11, 2012 01:37 AM (5H6zj)

327 Mitt Romney has Magic Underwear? Paul Ryan has Magic Khukris.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 01:38 AM (eHIJJ)

328 Ryan has not been properly vetted.

Posted by: Lame Stream Media at August 11, 2012 01:41 AM (p4U6S)

329 When Paul Ryan has a fever the only prescription in more killing.

Posted by: sTevo at August 11, 2012 01:48 AM (VMcEw)

330 Ronald Reagan gave birth to Paul Ryan after a particularly spicy Tex-Mex dinner.

Posted by: ByteMe at August 11, 2012 01:50 AM (oZos4)

331 Paul Ryan only lets Biden live to serve as a warning about the dangers of eating lead paint chips.

Posted by: Where're my ping pong balls at August 11, 2012 01:56 AM (YxaXw)

332 Paul Ryan scared Barack Obama stupid. Well, more stupid.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at August 11, 2012 01:59 AM (eHIJJ)

333 Paul Ryan's hands are registered as WMD's and he has x-ray vision.

Posted by: sTevo at August 11, 2012 02:01 AM (VMcEw)

334

Paul Ryan told John McCain in 2007

"John, the country is tired of divisive rhetoric. Speak well of Obama and the public will respect your integrity and reward you for it."

Posted by: Darth Randall at August 11, 2012 02:04 AM (lxc0s)

335 Dick Chaney is the Little War Cock that said, "lets run down and kill one of them."

Paul Ryan the Big War Cock said, "No son, Let's walk, and kill them all."

Posted by: sTevo at August 11, 2012 02:05 AM (VMcEw)

336 Last one:

Barack Obama, AKA the SCoaMF, also known as the JEF, bows to Paul Ryan.

Posted by: sTevo at August 11, 2012 02:11 AM (VMcEw)

337 @116: "kinlaw" - is that some sort of hillbilly slang for when your brother-in-law is also your father?

Posted by: ByteMe at August 11, 2012 02:16 AM (oZos4)

338 Paul Ryan climbs Everest before the Sherpa set up the route. Ryan then murders 3 to 4 Sherpa per year while the locals are fooled into thinking it was the mountain that ate them.

Posted by: twoslaps at August 11, 2012 02:29 AM (Cnupf)

339 Paul Ryan sunk the Titanic. With his cock. For giggles.

Posted by: twoslaps at August 11, 2012 02:31 AM (Cnupf)

340 The Columbine killers' home video has edited scenes: Those scenes contain Paul Ryan doing what Paul Ryan does.

Posted by: twoslaps at August 11, 2012 02:32 AM (Cnupf)

341 Keaton always said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him." Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Paul Ryan.

Posted by: Crapplefratz at August 11, 2012 02:34 AM (aO1W9)

342 By Joe Biden's accounting, Paul Ryan will be liable for 6,544,210 rapes in Michigan over the next ten years because of Ryan's massive budget cuts if Romney/Ryan win.

Posted by: twoslaps at August 11, 2012 02:36 AM (Cnupf)

343 Paul Ryan passed through his mother's enterovaginal fistula during birth.

Posted by: ByteMe at August 11, 2012 02:39 AM (oZos4)

344 Paul Ryan's daddy wasn't ... well, let's just say he wasn't from around these parts. Or this Earth. You see, Paul Ryan emerged from the razor-barbed cock of the Almighty SATAN. Ryan's mother died in delivery. Or, to be more accurate, after she saw Paul the first time.

Posted by: twoslaps at August 11, 2012 02:42 AM (Cnupf)

345 Just a second people. Over the past couple hours, I've been hearing rumors the choice is Huntsman, not Ryan.

Posted by: zippy at August 11, 2012 02:42 AM (nR8Ca)

346 Good Morons folks. Looks like this is our opening thread today until Andy gives us a fresh one. I have some news ready when that happens.

I have some Ryan stuff in those links but I will say this early. Almost all the stories I saw in the liberal press and in the so-called conservative mags call Ryan a conservative. That includes the ultra left-wing Fox and Friends weekend crew, complete with Kommie Karl this morning.

But the babe is looking hawt in purple this morning. I wonder if she makes hubby cakes while wearing tit/cleavage showing dresses. (and she is from South Carolina)

Posted by: Vic - will support Romney/Ryan at August 11, 2012 02:49 AM (YdQQY)

347 Jesus wept, Paul Ryan laughed.

Posted by: 13times at August 11, 2012 02:53 AM (h6XiD)

348 Paul Ryan told Brynn Hartman "Heck girl, it's only one little line of coke."

Posted by: Darth Randall at August 11, 2012 02:57 AM (lxc0s)

349 I went to bed too damn early!

This is good news!

Romney/Ryan.....two R's. Like Ronald Reagan.....I know it's a stretch.

Posted by: Tami at August 11, 2012 03:01 AM (X6akg)

350
Pauls Purple Fun Time Potion was the last thing they drank at Jonestown

Posted by: dotty at August 11, 2012 03:02 AM (BwuVs)

351 So, is he really going to reduce our medicare benefits? That will really be a suffering intensive thing, especially if food prices continue to climb. Just curious if that is a democrat rumor or if it is true.

Posted by: and irresolute at August 11, 2012 03:02 AM (Q492A)

352 Romney/Ryan.....two R's. Like Ronald Reagan.....I know it's a stretch.

Posted by: Tami at August 11, 2012 07:01 AM (X6akg)

Posted by: Albie Damned at August 11, 2012 03:04 AM (Yhu4q)

353 Paul Ryan told Jamie Gorelick- "You know, there should be an institutional wall between the FBI and CIA. Also, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, are they really leanding money to everyone they can?"

Posted by: Darth Randall at August 11, 2012 03:05 AM (lxc0s)

354 I just thank Gawd it wasn't Pawlenty

Posted by: Albie Damned at August 11, 2012 03:05 AM (Yhu4q)

355 @345 Please tell me you are joking. That would be horrid.

Incidentally, I think that plane in WI from Boston had nada to do with anything. It's still on the ground, and I would assume they would have had to have left by now to make it to Norfolk before 9am.

Posted by: VAgirl at August 11, 2012 03:07 AM (niN4T)

356 The best reason for picking Paul...yeah, I feel like I can call him Paul..was that the Donkeycrats kept saying they hoped it would be him.

Posted by: Albie Damned at August 11, 2012 03:08 AM (Yhu4q)

357 OK..if the CW is that the veep pick doesn't matter, why is everyone now on the left saying it matters?

Posted by: Albie Damned at August 11, 2012 03:09 AM (Yhu4q)

358 CW is that the VP pick seldom helps, but often hurts badly.

Of course, CW has been shit lately.

Posted by: Vic - will support Romney/Ryan at August 11, 2012 03:11 AM (YdQQY)

359 Paul Ryan knows the wisdom of the grave, and he wants to share it.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 03:15 AM (fxHyG)

360 LOL, ace up early, or stayed up all night???

Posted by: Vic - will support Romney/Ryan at August 11, 2012 03:16 AM (YdQQY)

361 It's officially Ryan. I just got IM from Romney campaign (along with a million other iPhone users)

Posted by: Jim in virginIa at August 11, 2012 03:17 AM (jl34F)

362 Paul Ryan once voted to water-board kittens and puppies.

Posted by: Exile at August 11, 2012 03:18 AM (2uSt9)

363 I thought the official announcement was supposed to be at 9 am????

Posted by: Vic - will support Romney/Ryan at August 11, 2012 03:19 AM (YdQQY)

364 Inside the cold of Paul Ryan's eyes, dead stars glitter blackly.

Posted by: ace at August 11, 2012 03:19 AM (fxHyG)

365 Where was Paul Ryan on the night of the Lindbergh kidnapping? I think people have a right to know.

Posted by: Exile at August 11, 2012 03:20 AM (2uSt9)

366 Woohoo!

But yeah, wasn't supposed to be announced until 8:45am.

Posted by: VAgirl at August 11, 2012 03:20 AM (niN4T)

367 That was Joe Soptic's grandmother Paul Ryan pushed over a cliff.

I know it's true. An Obama adviser told me.

Well, then they recanted...so who knows.

Posted by: Exile at August 11, 2012 03:22 AM (2uSt9)

368 And, you know, the thing about Ryan... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched liberal screamin'. The politics turn red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', the MFM all come in and they... rip you to pieces.

Posted by: Quint at August 11, 2012 03:23 AM (YdQQY)

369 new ace post up

Posted by: Vic - will support Romney/Ryan at August 11, 2012 03:24 AM (YdQQY)

370 There ought to be plenty of material for this campaign. Obama already loathes Romney and we know Ryan irritates him like sand in his vagina.

I am waiting for Obama's first hate-gaffe.

Posted by: Exile at August 11, 2012 03:25 AM (2uSt9)

371 I heard Paul Ryan doesn't fast the full hour before receiving Holy Communion. Just sayin....

Posted by: Concerned conservative Catholic who is concerned at August 11, 2012 03:28 AM (vt4Ip)

372
Tattaglia is a pimp. He never could have outfought Santino. But I didn't know until this day that it was Ryan all along.

Posted by: I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message at August 11, 2012 03:28 AM (celt+)

373 Did Romney notify first those suckers who subscribed to his ap?

Posted by: Milton at August 11, 2012 03:29 AM (BAnPT)

374 Leave the Ryan. Take the cannoli.

Posted by: Clemenza at August 11, 2012 03:32 AM (YdQQY)

375 Morning 'rons! Does anyone think Biden will be switched out for some other demoncrat? You know, "for personal reasons."

Posted by: Infidel at August 11, 2012 03:32 AM (qnvHI)

376 No

Posted by: Vic - will support Romney/Ryan at August 11, 2012 03:39 AM (YdQQY)

377 Paul Ryan doesn't sleep. He waits, and does math problems in his head. But mostly math.

Posted by: VW Zao at August 11, 2012 03:43 AM (vWZa0)

378 Paul Ryan's bedtime prayer: "Now I lay me down to sleep, There's a twenty on the dresser, Catch the light on your way out."

Posted by: Welshorne Skroat III at August 11, 2012 03:46 AM (/i/fS)

379 Maverick Ryan: Tower, this is Ghost Rider requesting a flyby.

Air Boss Bama: Negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.

Ryan does flyby anyway and drops load of budget shit on his head

Posted by: Moar useless movie quotes at August 11, 2012 03:48 AM (YdQQY)

380 When Paul Ryan goes bowling, the pins are toddlers bound with wire, and he uses a severed Grandma-head for the ball. He makes an abacus with the teeth and eyeballs for keeping score. Then he lights someone on fire for the floor show. (that's at Winnebago Starlight Lanes, if anyone is interested)

Posted by: Welshorne Skroat III at August 11, 2012 03:51 AM (/i/fS)

381 wow ace did you make those up off the top of your head? I'm guessing yes, since they aren't even remotely funny or entertaining or even original. At least it's not 3 screens tall, so I guess that's something.

Posted by: docweasel at August 11, 2012 03:57 AM (h0KX8)

382 See, if I would have known this, and that the layoffs were coming, I could have had his ph# sticky noted to my monitor and made sure I was "overheard" talking to him a few times. Wouldn't have spent this weekend worried about my job. Ke-sera-sera

Posted by: teej says free Miss Marple at August 11, 2012 04:02 AM (osdNx)

383 Paul Ryan tossed a granny in Reno just to watch her fly.

Posted by: joncelli at August 11, 2012 04:13 AM (CWlPF)

384 Paul Ryan is the reason they're called a "murder of crows".

Posted by: Edgar, Peeve and Blob at August 11, 2012 04:14 AM (qGSg5)

385 Cthulhu sends Paul Ryan tribute, because his wrath is too fearful to contemplate.

Posted by: joncelli at August 11, 2012 04:28 AM (CWlPF)

386 Paul Ryan's ring tone is continuous finger nails on chalk board, he keeps it on high volume.....and just lets it ring.

Posted by: a175darby at August 11, 2012 04:33 AM (/xtjH)

387 Every time Paul Ryan exits an elevator, it looks like that one in "The Shining".

Posted by: naturalfake at August 11, 2012 04:34 AM (G9qZk)

388 Paul Ryan, using his time machine, was the guy who towed the iceberg into the path of the Titanic. Then he lit a match on the Hindenburg.

Posted by: A. at August 11, 2012 04:38 AM (G5knH)

389 Paul Ryan convinced Admiral Yamamoto to attack Pearl Harbor.

Posted by: A. at August 11, 2012 04:41 AM (G5knH)

390 Paul Ryan took the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse out for pizza and beer. The Horsemen were never seen again.

Posted by: naturalfake at August 11, 2012 04:41 AM (G9qZk)

391 The Tacoma River Narrows Bridge collapse? That was Paul Ryan blowing.

Posted by: A. at August 11, 2012 04:45 AM (G5knH)

392 Little Known Fact--Hollywood modeled Flash Gordon's "Ming the Merciless" on Paul Ryan.

Posted by: A. at August 11, 2012 04:47 AM (G5knH)

393 Saddam Hussein had a picture of Paul Ryan on his Baghdad office wall. "If he gets in power we surrender--dude is vicious," he is reported to have said.

Posted by: A. at August 11, 2012 04:50 AM (G5knH)

394 After the atomic bombing of Hiroshima failed to secure the surrender of the Japanese in WWII, they dropped Paul Ryan into Nagasaki. The Japanese surrendered the next day.

Posted by: naturalfake at August 11, 2012 04:50 AM (G9qZk)

395

Paul Ryan has sharp creases...in his foreskin.

Posted by: David Brooks at August 11, 2012 04:52 AM (hnhBR)

396 Paul Ryan is actually Keyser Soze.

Posted by: A. at August 11, 2012 04:55 AM (G5knH)

397 Phil Jackson was originally going to cast Paul Ryan as Sauron, but was worried about heart attack deaths in the theatres....Decided to go with "Great Eye" idea instead.

Posted by: A. at August 11, 2012 04:58 AM (G5knH)

398 Peter Jackson, sorry. Ryan has me so scared I can't even think straight. Might have to invent way to get off the planet.

Posted by: A. at August 11, 2012 05:01 AM (G5knH)

399 Paul Ryan wants to take away old people's social security - to buy hookers and blow and he needs lots of hookers and blow.

Posted by: Lokki at August 11, 2012 05:04 AM (a5F9g)

400 Paul Ryan watches save the animals and save the children ads just for sh*ts and giggles before he he stuffs cute unicorns into meat grinders to make happy meal burgers for the kids he is mentoring.

Posted by: a175darby at August 11, 2012 05:05 AM (/xtjH)

401 Wait'll they find out he is an archery hunter! Hahaha

Posted by: marine43 at August 11, 2012 05:09 AM (jep/2)

402 Hammers want to slice like Paul Ryan.

Posted by: bob at August 11, 2012 05:11 AM (RUsmm)

403 Apparently Ryan actually is an "avid bow hunter" #notajoke

Posted by: BornLib at August 11, 2012 05:14 AM (zpNwC)

404 This list made me think of the, one of a kind, Frank J Flemming of Imao.us . You should have him guest post here.

Posted by: Shiggz RoketSturgeon at August 11, 2012 05:39 AM (RfvTE)

405 ANGUISHED SURVIVOR REVEALS: "ALL I HEARD WAS 'HEY, GIRL'"

I love this site

Posted by: laughing too hard to type any more at August 11, 2012 05:44 AM (HkOLY)

406 Paul Ryan had wolves shot from helicopters.

Posted by: ChicagoXile at August 11, 2012 05:44 AM (2Cn1h)

407

Who's gonna drive ya home: "Von Ryan's Express" or "The Choom Wagon"?

Posted by: 66chevelle at August 11, 2012 06:22 AM (QjSgY)

408 When I accidentally shot my friend in the face with a shotgun? Totally on purpose. I was playing Ryan's 'How many times can you shoot your friend in the face before he figures out it's on purpose?' game.

Posted by: Dick Cheney at August 11, 2012 06:53 AM (7v8o1)

409 Paul Ryan designed the Toyota Camry sudden acceleration flaw.....Using his policy wonk budget work as a convenient cover story to hide his nefarious activity.

Posted by: redgrains at August 11, 2012 07:02 AM (TExGL)

410 Remember the Iran-Contra business? Yeah, that was Paul Ryan's idea, and remember he was only a high school freshman back then.

Posted by: Rumors I heard at Ops1 at August 11, 2012 08:28 AM (YCJ3T)

411 @401 "Wait til they find out he's an archery hunter..." He's not an archery hunter. He hunts archers.

Posted by: 66chevelle at August 11, 2012 08:28 AM (QjSgY)

412 After finishing budget meetings, Paul Ryan sees the democrat members in the eye and says, "see you later". A lot of them declare that they are not running for reelection, because the last thing they want to do is see Paul Ryan later.

Posted by: Tushar at August 11, 2012 08:33 AM (dkcm7)

413 Paul Ryan: The reason it's called a "Widow's Peak".

Posted by: 66chevelle at August 11, 2012 08:42 AM (QjSgY)

414 That weren't no reindeer that ran over grandma.

Posted by: Bill H at August 11, 2012 10:07 AM (3sZO1)

415 Paul Ryan peed in Joe Biden's mother.

Posted by: Marmot at August 11, 2012 12:18 PM (/LSG0)

416

OMG not even half way through this thread...crying.

ace i hope you took the best of these for your twitter feed

Posted by: kallisto at August 11, 2012 12:34 PM (jm/9g)

417

Mexican beauty queens risk youtube torture and dismemberment for putting his picture up on their nightstand.

Posted by: Billy Conn at August 11, 2012 12:40 PM (Lk4wV)

418 Wisconson Democrats voted for Scott Walker in the recall election so not to piss off Paul Ryan.

Posted by: sonnyspats at August 11, 2012 12:40 PM (Qr9Rc)

419 Paul Ryan simply walks into Mordor.

Posted by: Bobby K at August 11, 2012 01:22 PM (I70cm)

420 All those dead bodies lying around in Detroit? Paul Ryan did that.

Posted by: BrendaK at August 11, 2012 02:14 PM (iLDpP)

421 Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure.

Posted by: steevy at August 11, 2012 03:14 PM (6o4Fb)

422

ryan was my pick a long time ago.

romney's got public sector experience,private sector business experience,and from what i've seen,or read,an unimpeachable,character,and private life,which is something sorely needed in politics today.

we'll find out in the coming days about ryan's private live,and character,but after 4yrs. we don't know o'bama's private live before becoming president, we do know his character though,now.

ryan knows tax-payer dollars better than anyone,where they go,and have gone,and where liberals want it to go.

this election is about saving america,literally,4 more yrs. of what we have just experienced,and america will be america in name only.

i think ryan will be a very important asset to romney,and america,on getting this word out,not through the liberal american-press,but everywhere else,he should have a room set up for fox news,and give them his daily updates,on o'bama's campaign smears,and deception.

Posted by: theyjustcantstop at August 11, 2012 03:19 PM (nTf+6)

423 Only once did intended victims of Paul Ryan escape his murder plans. It's known as The Jonestown Massacre.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at August 11, 2012 05:44 PM (X3vSL)

424 Paul Ryan picked up a jawbone of an ass, broke it in half. and slaughtered 5,000 democrats.

Then he wondered, "How is Biden going to debate me now?"

Posted by: Cromagnum at August 11, 2012 06:44 PM (K8ifM)

425 Paul Ryan painted the ugly on Sandra Fluke. He stole some of that from Helen Thomas.

Posted by: Cromagnum at August 11, 2012 07:32 PM (K8ifM)

426 Finally some FUN, like Ace hasn't been able to cheer yell for 4 years -- the last time a Republican presidential presumptive nominee sputtering in the polls went all Game Change, took the election contest by the short and curlies and pulled down haaaaarrdddd. And right then, we all knew one thing - that victory was inevitable, and it was all bound to turn out movie material ... alright that's two things, but the point is, We GOT this now, and it's all because we're way more awesome at selecting quarts of the warmest spit and buckets of the most steamiest fresh piss, way better than those Dembulldoofuses are. http://hnn.us/articles/53402.html MAN OH MAN am I ever looking forward to the Victory Party on Inauguration Day!

Posted by: rex the wonder god at August 11, 2012 09:12 PM (vahvH)

427 Paul Ryan was the first murderer I caught, in my first case out of college.

He was smart, but I was smarter.

Posted by: Ellery Queen at August 13, 2012 07:40 AM (exvgC)

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