Ace of Spades HQ

December 21, 2012

DOOMSDAY PRODUCT REVIEW [@PurpAv]
— Open Blogger

This product was given a full 24 hours to deliver on its promises. We found the ads appealing and packaging ample, but the assembly instructions were lacking in critical details, and key parts were missing from the hardware package forcing us to make a midnight trip to Walmart to complete assembly.

Once assembled, the doomsday proved an impressive sight and was generously festooned with mesmerizing shiny things. We gazed at it for hours in this state of unactivated repose. It really was an impressive, albeit ominous and menacing, presence.

The proof of course is always in the pudding. What precisely would it do when the batteries were installed and it was switched on? Could this glittering apparatus of planetary destruction deliver the goods using only the 4 included D cells?

Admittedly, we were skeptical. One would presume such a highly billed product capable of ending worlds needs a bit more power than the Energizer bunny. Perhaps it would draw its real power from the space-time fabric and the D cells were only needed to open the gateway and power a few flashing LED's for show to make it look like something was going on?

Anyway, we flipped the switch. Not much happened other than some LED's started flashing. OK, destroying worlds can take some time, we understand that. So, off to McD's to spend our last hours on earth snarfing down Dollar Menu items like there was no tomorrow, whist the doomsday worked its magic.

Get home, still nothing. OK, maybe destroying the world is kinda an overnight thing, like letting paint dry. The LED's are still flashing furiously, so the D cells haven't gone flat yet. Maybe this thing works like a flux capacitor? It's gotta charge up through the space-time power source before its hellish nature can be released? Of course, that's the ticket. It simply needs to charge up. By morning, we'll be ready to see this doomsday really kicking it.

We bound out of bed. The sun is shining. Its a new day and the LED's are still flashing! Outstanding. But, nothing else is going on either...

...its not even humming. Horrible engines of destruction should at least hum shouldn't they? Of course they should. They always do in the movies. Perhaps we were sold a defective doomsday? Even the best products have occasional DOA's. After all, it did come with a money back lifetime warranty printed on very elegant high rag content watermarked certificate suitable for framing. The TV ads confidently proclaimed "worlds destroyed, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back".

OK, so we're gonna take a look inside and see if maybe its just a loose wire or something simple like that. We grab a screwdriver and pry off the cover marked “Dangerous! High Voltage! No user serviceable parts inside! Warranty void if removed!” and we peek inside. Nothing there. No guts. No machinery. No space-time portal generators. There's just a few crumpled up Twinkie wrappers, a glob of chewing gum, and a dead cockroach.

When I was a little kid, I thought those "X-Ray Specs" would work too, but they didn't.

Posted by: Open Blogger at 11:48 PM | Comments (47)
Post contains 523 words, total size 3 kb.

1 If it's too good to be true; it ain't.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger (aka 3 tooth) at December 21, 2012 11:54 PM (3E2th)

2 And what is with a 03:48 post?

Can't sleep? Conscience bothering you? Putting your kids toys together? Wife out of town? (which means you may be swanning around the home digs in your underwear . . . or worse.)

I'm sitting here, having run the diagnostics on the ole computator )not having done them for a while) and noting that the beast is running much quicker than before I ran them. ??????

I've worked with electronic and electrical equipment since I was 17 and I am convinced they can take on some kind of life of their own or at least appear to. It's like electricity provides the energy for a soul.

I have stories that even I am skeptical of.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger (aka 3 tooth) at December 21, 2012 11:58 PM (3E2th)

3 I think I see what happened, you made a comment that then showed up as a post? Or you decided it was so good you bumped it.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger (aka 3 tooth) at December 22, 2012 12:01 AM (3E2th)

4 The comment was the prototype. There's a few mods in this one.

Posted by: @PurpAv at December 22, 2012 12:05 AM (xpgUt)

5 Heh. I saw the post and it was clean. then I went on the ont and saw the comment.

it was deja vu all over again.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger (aka 3 tooth) at December 22, 2012 12:07 AM (3E2th)

6 And what is with a 03:48 post?

Silliness before the morning seriousness. Nobody need feel guilty stepping on it.

Posted by: @PurpAv at December 22, 2012 12:07 AM (xpgUt)

7 Back to my diagnostic experience.

My processor fan apparently has two speeds. (I've never heard it run on high so I didn't know.)

The diagnostics test this.

So it's running it's tests and this comes up and just after the test stops, (went from low to high to off to low) out comes a bunch of dust!!!!

I FREAKED! I thought the diagnostics zapped something and now the computer was toast.

But it was just dust.

I think I need to vacuum the inside. Pronto.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger (aka 3 tooth) at December 22, 2012 12:13 AM (3E2th)

8 Here it is is! (again) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=El6iQ2_dvlc

Posted by: 12-21-12 at December 22, 2012 12:17 AM (SSWdi)

9 I'll say it again: They just don't make SMOD like they used to.

Posted by: The Cretacious Period at December 22, 2012 12:20 AM (fklmM)

10 The shiny things lured me in. I can't resist shiny things.

Posted by: weirdflunky 'cause i before e is bs at December 22, 2012 12:35 AM (tlhtD)

11 I'll say it again: They just don't make SMOD like they used to.

Posted by: The Cretacious Period at December 22, 2012 04:20 AM

Meteor? Pffffffffft... please... *rolls eyes*

Posted by: The Permian Period at December 22, 2012 12:37 AM (yBF/9)

12 Pretty sure those pompous and oh so superior dinosaurs could have used a little global warming.heh

Posted by: weirdflunky 'cause i before e is bs at December 22, 2012 12:41 AM (tlhtD)

13 Pretty sure those pompous and oh so superior dinosaurs could have used a little global warming.heh

Posted by: weirdflunky 'cause i before e is bs at December 22, 2012 04:41 AM

Check the attitude on the talking monkey. We coulda lived after the Cretaceous if we wanted to. We just didn't feel like it.

Posted by: The Dinosaurs at December 22, 2012 12:44 AM (yBF/9)

14 That's Mr. Talking Monkey to you, lizard boy!

Posted by: weirdflunky 'cause i before e is bs at December 22, 2012 12:52 AM (tlhtD)

15 That's Mr. Talking Monkey to you, lizard boy!

Posted by: weirdflunky 'cause i before e is bs at December 22, 2012 04:52 AM

Just ignore those asshole Dinosaurs. Those overrated douchebags swanned about like they were the shit, then couldn't handle a fucking meteor. In our day we had it tough and don't carry on like dicks about it.

Posted by: The Dinocephalians at December 22, 2012 12:58 AM (yBF/9)

16 15 I guess you're right, I am afterall using these assholes in my truck as gas and motor oil. Hydrocarbons is the awesome.

Posted by: weirdflunky 'cause i before e is bs at December 22, 2012 01:04 AM (tlhtD)

17 Ah, the lure of shiny objects! Who can resist? I certainly can't. A true story to illustrate the "shiny object phenomenon" and its hold on us. A certain online firearm vendor (who shall remain nameless), got in a batch of Romanian Tokarev pistols. Nice pistols, simple, based on the Browning design. A lot of them were rusted to heck, bluing wore off etc. Fine mechanically,and bores in great shape but a basic eyesore. Said entrepreneur, had them stripped, sand blasted the exterior, them chromed and sold them at an up-charge. Now that's turning lemons into lemonade. I even bought one. Ohhhhhhh, Shiny!

Posted by: Judge_Roy_bean at December 22, 2012 01:12 AM (QvSrh)

18 At least your mail order doomsday machine didn't electrocute your crotch. Have you tried putting in crystals to make it work?

Posted by: Uncle Rico at December 22, 2012 01:16 AM (yBF/9)

19 Oh, BTW, The X ray specs did work, or at least the girls thought they did with a little improvisation. Put on specs, mouth drops open, then utter, Oh my, that what you girls look like naked? I didn't know had a mole there. Fond school memories, I tells ya. Hey, can we do a post about spitballs?

Posted by: Judge_Roy_bean at December 22, 2012 01:24 AM (QvSrh)

20 Damn! All that time wasted running around the neighborhood with a ladder! *shakes head* *chugs whiskey*

Posted by: Bluto at December 22, 2012 01:31 AM (SSWdi)

21 "OK, so we're gonna take a look inside and see if maybe its just a loose wire or something simple like that. We grab a screwdriver and pry off the cover marked Â“Dangerous! High Voltage! No user serviceable parts inside! Warranty void if removed!Â” and we peek inside. Nothing there. No guts. No machinery. No space-time portal generators. There's just a few crumpled up Twinkie wrappers, a glob of chewing gum, and a dead cockroach. When I was a little kid, I thought those "X-Ray Specs" would work too, but they didn't. " You let the virus out you fool! It was YOU! You are Omega!

Posted by: Cackfinger at December 22, 2012 01:49 AM (CCHli)

22 This is why you don't buy your Doomsday at Harbor Freight. You're not really saving money if the damn thing doesn't work.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at December 22, 2012 02:15 AM (JDIKC)

23 No one wants to buy their Doomsday from the original maker. All those trumpets are enough to wake the dead!

Posted by: The Four Horsemen of The ApacOlypse at December 22, 2012 02:26 AM (SSWdi)

24 We may have through the 23rd for Doomsday to work. So far it's a flop, though, and my "consolation prize" isn't here yet. Lady at the gun store says probably Monday.

It's a Ruger Bearcat. Okay, it's a .22, but my first handgun was a Bearcat, and I loved that baby! Had to sell it when Mr. Empire got a transfer to Germany. I thought Ruger had discontinued them, so was delighted to find I could get a new one. VERY happy camper here!

Posted by: Empire1 at December 22, 2012 02:32 AM (PJ6OJ)

25 What the hell is going on in here?

Posted by: General Woundwort at December 22, 2012 02:35 AM (0fxcV)

26 25 What the hell is going on in here? Posted by: General Woundwort You are.. Oh, that was rhetorical. Never mind.

Posted by: s☺mej☼e at December 22, 2012 02:42 AM (SSWdi)

27 Did you buy the doomsday that was made in Mexico? Next time buy American.

Posted by: RondinellaMamma at December 22, 2012 03:00 AM (gI9W0)

28 Yea, your Ragnarook is gonna be delayed until our demands are met!

Posted by: Interdimentional Rainbow Bridge Local 666 at December 22, 2012 03:05 AM (SSWdi)

29 Oh, sorry, I meant yea verily. Now pay up, ice back!

Posted by: Interdimentional Rainbow Bridge Local 666 at December 22, 2012 03:08 AM (SSWdi)

30 28, 29 It's Ragnarok, you imbecile.

That's just like the Powers That Be -- putting the end of the world in the hands of a fucking union type that can't spell or assemble an apocalypse properly.

Posted by: GnuBreed at December 22, 2012 03:19 AM (cHZB7)

31 30 28, 29 It's Ragnarok, you imbecile. Posted by: GnuBreed Quoth the dirty ice back scandi. Don't think you can avoid paying us, you gotta use the bridge eventually.

Posted by: Interdimentional Rainbow Bridge Local 666 at December 22, 2012 03:28 AM (SSWdi)

32 Damn Mayans! I was hoping to not have to go in with all the boiling skies and zombies. Alas, nothing. Not even a rumble. Dammit!

Posted by: puddleglum at December 22, 2012 03:38 AM (na+kp)

33 My sunrise is overcast. Not much of a Doomsday.

Posted by: fluffy at December 22, 2012 03:43 AM (z9HTb)

34 Do you think it wise to taunt Happy Fun SMOD?

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. We're not worthy. at December 22, 2012 03:45 AM (Gk3SS)

35 You know what would be nice? The threat of an imminent volcanic eruption in Hawaii, forcing the vacationers to return to DC.

Then the all-clear could be sounded, leaving Hawaiians in peace to celebrate Christmas and POTUS stuck in DC.

Posted by: Miss Marple at December 22, 2012 03:53 AM (GoIUi)

36 Just finished reading an article that claimed watching pron improves short term memory, or was it the other way around?

Posted by: Ammo Dump at December 22, 2012 03:57 AM (YYyqq)

37 SMOD, why have you forsaken me?

Posted by: rickl at December 22, 2012 04:10 AM (sdi6R)

38 article?

Posted by: Charlie Gibson at December 22, 2012 04:14 AM (SSWdi)

39 This is what you get for trusting in cheap knockoffs.

Posted by: Volguus Zildrohar at December 22, 2012 04:45 AM (XGOvm)

40 Are you sure the world didn't end?

Posted by: Rorschach at December 22, 2012 04:47 AM (XGOvm)

I can't tell if it ended or not.

TFG is preezy still?4

Its over. Fuck it, I'm going back to sleep, shopping be damned.

Posted by: Gmac - Who wishes all a Merry Christmas, except for those retards that re-elected the SCOAMF at December 22, 2012 05:10 AM (IanLz)

42 god, i thought we were free from this guy's crap...

Posted by: Dogstar at December 22, 2012 06:01 AM (2MnmS)

43 I built a doomsday machine, and all I got was a cup of coffee.

Posted by: Rube Goldberg at December 22, 2012 06:54 AM (w3+gB)

44 This review is the bomb! Sorry. :"> mac :]

Posted by: macbrooks at December 22, 2012 07:02 AM (Kcjfs)

45 My hope is that a Battle Cruiser would Warp in yesterday with the "It's a Cookbook" aliens. The only thing to unify the planet. Plus we could have put all the Progressive on the Dollar Menu.

Posted by: Paladin at December 22, 2012 07:56 AM (WTE2S)

46 We were gypped. Totally and completely gypped.

I think we should all dial 1-800- CALL SAM and start a class action suit. The Mayans don't exist and don't really have $$$, so I think the target should be the media who hyped this.

Yeah, that's it.

Sue the media for false advertising.

They promised TEOTWAWKI and we got squat.

And... once we win our suit, we will have bankrupted the libtard media.

It's win-win!

Posted by: shibumi at December 22, 2012 09:58 AM (z63Tr)

You should've bought the Ronco Doom-O-Matic.

It comes with a money back guarantee!

Posted by: Ronco Inc. at December 22, 2012 10:46 AM (K4wCe)

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