Ace of Spades HQ

March 20, 2012

"John Carter" Turning Into Costly Flop
With Mini-Review-- It's Pretty Good!
— Ace

Disney apparently did no want to call it what it should be called -- "John Carter of Mars" -- instead calling it "John Carter," which hardly tips you off to the Planetary Romance genre. (Planetary Romance is swords & sorcery in space -- I guess they mean "romance" as in "Arthurian romance." I.e., adventure.)

Apparently this is because a movie called Mars Needs Moms just bombed, so Hollywood of course decided that People hate Mars.

Okay.

It's underperforming. It actually made $184 million, which sounds great, but it has a $300 million cost, when advertising is figured in.

Plus, it says theaters are taking half that haul, which doesn't sound right to me (I thought the movie makers take 90% of a movie's first and second weeks of box office), but that's what it says. Maybe they made some special deal to force it into as many theaters as possible.

I saw this opening night with Verum Serum, out in California. It's good. Not great, but good. The acting's weak, the costuming and make-up is notably bad (it annoyed the hell out of me that the Red Men of Mars were instead depicted with orange tans and annoying reddish tattooing; why not just make them red?), the dialogue is worse than it needs to be (the plot here is actually pretty simple and logical -- but for some reason the filmmakers choose to make it seem more obscure and hard-to-follow than it is).

But it's fun. And it's something that we don't see from science-fiction in movies very often -- it's audacious.

So much of the science-fiction imagining you see in movies is so cramped and routine and based merely on films from ten years ago. All they seem to do is recycle plot elements from the sci-fi hits Alien, Aliens, and Terminator.

John Carter comes fairly directly from an actual writer -- not a hack hired to recycle crap from fifteen years ago -- so he gives his imagination a little license.

The ideas here are not jaw-dropping or anything. But given the dreck I'm used to seeing, it's a breath of fresh air. The Green Martian species, the savage, Spartan-like Tarks, have an oddball birth cycle (egg-layers, eggs are left in collective hatcheries, parents don't know whose hatchling is whom but just claim them upon birthing) which doesn't figure into the main conflict at all, but it's just interesting. The movie at least pays some attention to the idea that these are really actually aliens, and not just Opponents With Kewl Powers.

The Tarks, by the way, are well-done in CGI. Contrary to my normal complaint, the CGI here is good. It's the costuming that appears cheap and assembled from various left-overs at the Costume Department. Cheap plastic-looking fake-metal breastplates with some kind of nonsensical canvas cumberbonds and oddball fur at the shoulders. It doesn't look futuristic, and it doesn't look retro. It just doesn't look real. It doesn't look as if a real culture created it for practical use; it looks like someone did a sketch attempting to look odd and succeeded at only that.

But there are hints of intelligence scattered throughout. The film opens in New York City, circa 1888 or so, then flashes back to Arizona Territory some ten years earlier.

Here's something I hate: When a movie's screenwriters plainly do not know anything except what they've seen in other movies. For example, if I say "set a scene in Arizona Territory," what is the first thing that pops into your head?

Iconic sun-bleached landscape, mesas. Badlands and Goblin Rock. You know. The crap you see every time you see Arizona.

So I was happy when this movie showed me a forested area of Arizona, in winter, where they had to break the skin of ice on the water-troughs to let the horses drink. See, the writers actually decided "People have seen the same goddamned three cliches about Arizona six thousand times already; let's maybe show Arizona in winter, in the hills."

It's not enough to make this a great movie, but it's nice that somewhere here there's a working brain.

Another thing I liked was the "Predatory City," something that is wholly novel (to me, at least). A walking city, moving across the landscape on huge "legs," mechanized pylons, moving from city to city to attack and conquer.

I actually didn't get nearly enough of that, but again: Hey, sure is nice to see something new for once. This is science-fiction, right? Things are supposed to make me go "Gee whiz," right?

Well, nice to see that for once.

The plot is mostly dead-simple -- save the princess from an impeding forced marriage to a ruthless, murderous thug! -- but it's a fun ride.

The final battle does not take place at the Predator City. Why? I do not know. You'd have to ask the writers why they ate Stupid Pills when putting together act three.

But I liked it. Fun sword & sorcery stuff (or, "sword and planet," they call it sometimes).

Nothing really objectionable for the kids. Some blood is shed, but mostly of Tarks, and that blood is blue, and you don't see much of it anyway. I don't think any human blood is prominent.

One fun thing is that when John Carter is killing a lot of Tarks, the bodies start to pile up, and the frame clearly references one of those Frank Frazetta Conan covers, where piles of dead men lay at his feet. But cool as that is, they do it rather bloodlessly, Disney style. Still, kind of neat.

Posted by: Ace at 04:46 PM | Comments (194)
Post contains 954 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure.

Posted by: steevy at March 20, 2012 04:48 PM (7W3wI)

2 It was OK, but why do aliens always have British accents? They never sound like an East Texas coonass or a Swedish immigrant.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 20, 2012 04:51 PM (+lsX1)

3 How come 4/5ths of Ace's review ain't showing?

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 04:51 PM (niZvt)

4 sad to say - when I hear the title I think "ER" - Noah Wylie and go "meh"

and I grew up reading Gor, Fafhrd, et cetera.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at March 20, 2012 04:52 PM (h6mPj)

5 I intend to buy the Blu Ray,maybe see it on the big screen if anyone in my clique wants to go.I think they cast a weak lead,he looks more emo than badass.

Posted by: steevy at March 20, 2012 04:52 PM (7W3wI)

6 ace,

were you a Vallejo guy or a Frazetta guy?

or did you swing both ways, so to speak.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at March 20, 2012 04:53 PM (h6mPj)

7 Tim Riggins did kill the hell out of those green ones.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 20, 2012 04:53 PM (+lsX1)

8 2 I hate that.Fantasy characters too,like in Game of Thrones,which is not really set on our earth.Fucking Hollywood thinks Brits sound cool I guess.

Posted by: steevy at March 20, 2012 04:53 PM (7W3wI)

9 But it's fun. And it's something that we don't see from science-fiction in movies very often -- it's audacious.

I beg your pardon!

Posted by: V.P. Joe Biden, formerly the dumbest person in the Senate at March 20, 2012 04:54 PM (kqqGm)

10 more importantly, did you keep an empty movie seat between you and Verum and who held the popcorn?

Posted by: BumperStickerist at March 20, 2012 04:54 PM (h6mPj)

11 Get your ass to Mars.

Posted by: Quaid at March 20, 2012 04:55 PM (XG+Mn)

12 The problem with it losing a lot of money is that we wont get sequels.I rather like Disney taking a bath though.

Posted by: steevy at March 20, 2012 04:56 PM (7W3wI)

13 The lack of three-tittied martians was a disappointment.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 20, 2012 04:56 PM (+lsX1)

14 Solid review of the flick - I cannot recommend this more as a fun film to go see. The CGI is natural and not obtrusive. Well, except for the scene where Dejah and Captain Carter meet.

Go see it, morons; there are worse films playing.

*cough* Lorax *cough*

Posted by: sithkhan at March 20, 2012 04:57 PM (6AQ8E)

15 A Princess of Mars would have been a good title.

Posted by: ERG at March 20, 2012 04:57 PM (GTbGH)

16 dammit

Posted by: ERB at March 20, 2012 04:57 PM (GTbGH)

17 So how does it compare to Space Traders?

Posted by: logprof at March 20, 2012 04:57 PM (ykSKg)

18 A Three-Tittied Princess of Mars would have been a great title.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 20, 2012 04:58 PM (+lsX1)

19 Exactly why would I want to hand my wallet to Disney?

Posted by: USA at March 20, 2012 04:58 PM (6Cjut)

20 I still want my Old Man's War movie, which is allegedly in the pipeline. Sure they'll fuck it up, but as long as they keep the John Kerry proxy getting ripped apart by bear-like aliens and the planet of 3" tall midgets, I'll be mostly pleased with it.

Posted by: Hoss Fuentes at March 20, 2012 05:00 PM (kt+R2)

21 14 Yet that POS will make plenty of money.

Posted by: steevy at March 20, 2012 05:00 PM (7W3wI)

22 Debbie Does Mars would have made a killing, especially with males that looked like the ones from Mars Attacks.

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 05:00 PM (niZvt)

23 I just googled some Vallejo and Frazetta - for research purposes. I may have to do more research. . .

A third in the series of fantasy art is Gerald Brom. A little less T&A, a little more gothic. I remember the "Priestess" art from the Dungeon magazine cover for "Kingdom of the Ghouls".

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 05:00 PM (QTHTd)

24 Is this a talkie?

Posted by: dogfish at March 20, 2012 05:01 PM (N2yhW)

25 15 I think they probably wanted to stay away from the word princess in the title.

Posted by: steevy at March 20, 2012 05:01 PM (7W3wI)

26 Saw it. Liked it a lot. Read the whole series as a kid. Too bad sequels probably DOA. Was able to take the whole family with no "bad scenes". Plus, that martian princess was HAWT!

Posted by: jjmurphy at March 20, 2012 05:02 PM (xjEAl)

27 about the best movie i seen in awhile, watchable. don't know why it isn't doing better.
i couldnt watch that blue people movie, tried a couple times.

Posted by: trailortrash at March 20, 2012 05:03 PM (xllDV)

28 23 A guy by the name of Angus McBride around now is really good.He tends to do real historical works though not fiction.Great Romans,Celts and Knights.

Posted by: steevy at March 20, 2012 05:03 PM (7W3wI)

29 Ron Paul of Mars would have clinched it.

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 05:03 PM (niZvt)

30 I hope it sells well on DVD. All my friends hate movie theaters, no one will go with me.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at March 20, 2012 05:03 PM (bxiXv)

31 What this movie needed was David Caruso in the title role.

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 05:04 PM (niZvt)

32 So how does it compare to Space Traders?

John Carter had better special effects, but Space Traders had Bernie Mac as Benson's barber. Hard to say which one was better.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 20, 2012 05:04 PM (+lsX1)

33 I swear you guys - Mars Needs Moms was actually good! am I the only person who liked that film? my kids liked it too

Posted by: BlackOrchid at March 20, 2012 05:05 PM (SB0V2)

34 Took my kids to see it last weekend. We all enjoyed it. Nothing mind-blowing, but a fun movie. I ended up downloading five of the books (the free ones) and am enjoying reading those too.

Posted by: Ghost of Lee Atwater at March 20, 2012 05:05 PM (BQg1G)

35 Ace; how well did it follow the book?

The Morons who have seen this have mixed feelings. Some like it, some don't. I will probably like it. And they will likely recoup their costs once it hits video. Disney notoriously over chargers for their videos.

Also, keep in mind this is Hollywood accounting.

Posted by: Vic at March 20, 2012 05:06 PM (YdQQY)

36 Mars Needs Moms WAS a good movie to see via Redbox.

Posted by: jjmurphy at March 20, 2012 05:06 PM (xjEAl)

Posted by: trailortrash at March 20, 2012 09:03 PM (xllDV)

It's not really doing that bad, it's just really hard to make up $300 million.

Posted by: Polliwog, Hobbit Teahada at March 20, 2012 05:07 PM (tD5no)

38 Also, if you want a pair of books with a very similar vibe, read The Sky People and In the Courts of the Crimson Kings by S.M. Stirling. Very Burroughs-esque, plus with dinosaurs and Frazetta-style cavemen on Venus.

Posted by: Hoss Fuentes at March 20, 2012 05:07 PM (kt+R2)

39 I loved John Carter. I've said a few times now that it's the movie that finally convinced me that I need to own a blu-ray player. I think it's an absolute travesty that it's not a blockbuster. Ace's review is mostly the same thing I thought. It doesn't feel as epic or grand as, say, Lord of the Rings. But it is a FUN movie to watch. It reminded me very much of Stargate, another sleeper hit that was light on complexity but was just a lot of fun to watch. Seriously, morons, go out and watch this film; it deserves an audience and I think most folks will kick themselves for missing it.

Posted by: Caiwyn at March 20, 2012 05:07 PM (9dlCF)

40 Mars Needs MILFs was actually pretty faithful to the book.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 20, 2012 05:08 PM (+lsX1)

41 I hope every film Hollywood puts out fails miserably. I haven't paid to see a movie at the theater in months.

Posted by: Ken Royall at March 20, 2012 05:08 PM (9zzk+)

42 I enjoyed it, too. I thought the VFX were excellent. My main problems (spoilers): 1) I never understood the motivations of the Therns and why they were interfering and handing out super-weapons. I presume that was saved for the sequels which probably won't happen now due to the flopping box office. 2) The male lead. He was kinda boring and seemed out of place. The costuming made him look like small, pale guy dressed up as Conan. Partly I think it was his incredible paleness. Presumably done to contrast with the Red men. But if he was prospecting in Arizona why was he so damn pale? And why did he stay pale while wearing a loincloth on Mars? This is also because Hollywood so rarely shows white dudes with natural pale skin. It's rare to see non-tanned white actors, especially male actors. It makes them look like vampires. Tall, dark, and handsome being the goal I guess. I've been watching some britcoms lately (like Peep Show) and it's funny to me how incredibly pale the actors are. On an American show pale white skin is always played for a laugh (again, unless they are a vampire or evil). But these brit shows it's just their natural skin tone. They are comedies, but the skin tone is not being noticed or mocked in any way.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at March 20, 2012 05:08 PM (ZPrif)

43 BTW, is the upcoming Wrath of the Titans movie actually based on Greek mythology, or is Hollywood even going to fuck with the literal Classics?

Posted by: logprof at March 20, 2012 05:08 PM (ykSKg)

44 Ace, this is fascinating and all, but I'm watching The Real Housewives of Orange County, and one of them is about to have her ginormous implants removed.

I'm expanding my mind.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 05:08 PM (UOM48)

45 @2 but why do aliens always have British accents? They never sound like an East Texas coonass or a Swedish immigrant. Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 20, 2012 08:51 PM (+lsX1) Try the new blu-ray of "The Last Temptation of Christ". You get to hear all of your New Testament favorites speak in broad New Yawwwwk accents.

Posted by: naturalfake at March 20, 2012 05:09 PM (I49Jm)

46 Everyone I know loved it.

Posted by: pat at March 20, 2012 05:09 PM (UFxap)

47 39 That's because they hired Stirling to update John Carter and that other guy who went to Venus,drawing a blank on it.I own both books BTW.

Posted by: steevy at March 20, 2012 05:10 PM (7W3wI)

48 >>>I never understood the motivations of the Therns and why they were interfering and handing out super-weapons. I presume that was saved for the sequels which probably won't happen now due to the flopping box office. See, this is what I mean. It's actually very simple. the Therns do not want anyone to implement Ninth Ray technology so when a society starts getting close to that they sabotage it. On Mars, they intended to put the world under the rule of a lowbrow thug. There is also the implication, which they should have made even clearer, that they would do the sane to earth in 100 years.

Posted by: ace at March 20, 2012 05:10 PM (jLOle)

John Carter was fun and family safe. Took my son, we enjoyed it. Went back the other day with him to see it again and brought my daughter, who also enjoyed it. Too bad its having trouble, its a fun movie. Not the greatest thing ever, but I found it worth a couple of hours twice with my kids, who are both asking that we get it on disk when it comes out.

Posted by: Zharkov at March 20, 2012 05:10 PM (EuoDk)

50 With my finances in flux, I won;t be tempted to see any first-run movies in the theater any time soon. The next one will probably be The Hobbit.

Posted by: logprof at March 20, 2012 05:10 PM (ykSKg)

51 @45: what will she do with them, Jane? Tag sale? Butt implants?

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 05:11 PM (niZvt)

52 And there was nothing political or leftist being shoved in my face. At least none I noticed. Hell, the hero was a confederate soldier! And they didn't even make a big deal of it. It was just a fact. Like being from Virginia.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at March 20, 2012 05:11 PM (ZPrif)

53 why they couldn't explain that forthrightly, I dunno. I got it, but I had to put it together from fragmentary sentences.

Posted by: ace at March 20, 2012 05:11 PM (jLOle)

54 BTW, is the upcoming Wrath of the Titans movie actually based on Greek mythology, or is Hollywood even going to fuck with the literal Classics?

Posted by: logprof at March 20, 2012 09:08 PM (ykSKg)

Nah, it's more just non-Skinemax soft core for Kratos.

Posted by: Hoss Fuentes at March 20, 2012 05:11 PM (kt+R2)

55 33 Mars Needs Moms was good. I was fairly reluctant to let the kids watch it, but they loved it. We enjoyed it too.

Posted by: no good deed at March 20, 2012 05:12 PM (mjR67)

>>>Plus, it says theaters are taking half that haul, which doesn't sound right to me (I thought the movie makers take 90% of a movie's first and second weeks of box office), but that's what it says. Maybe they made some special deal to force it into as many theaters as possible.

I think the accounting in films is filled with all kinds of trickery. There are some very successful films that have never technically turned a profit. That being said, I bet Disney's losses are even worse then they claim (a contradiction I know, just a gut feeling on my part)

Posted by: Max Power at March 20, 2012 05:12 PM (q177U)

57 "...And it's something that we don't see from science-fiction in movies very often -- it's audacious."

Speaking of audacious fiction, did you know Obama executed the most audacious event of the past 500 years?

Posted by: Joe Biden, VP... No, really, the VP at March 20, 2012 05:13 PM (eHIJJ)

58 52 @45: what will she do with them, Jane? Tag sale? Butt implants?

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 09:11 PM (niZvt)

I don't know yet. She claims her boobs have been "growing" since she got the implants.

We need a Sci-Fi pic about women who go to Mars and their titties become too large, and the women have to return to earth tout suite or their chests explode.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 05:13 PM (UOM48)

59 'Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser'

Starring Russell Crowe and Steve Buscemi.

.

I'd watch that.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at March 20, 2012 05:14 PM (h6mPj)

60 I really liked the movie. Not perfect, but captures the pulpy spirit of the novels, which I loved when I was young. I thought the acting was pretty good, actually, especially for "green screen" acting. The aliens have British accents because England has princesses ("Arthurian romance") and America doesn't. Rescuing an American princess is a tougher sell, but Star Wars pulled it off I guess. A little trivia: Edgar Rice Burroughs in real life did a stint in the US military in the Arizona territory. Hollywood often uselessly throws in the author to the titles of movies to add gravitas ("Mary Shelly's Frankenstein", "Bram Stoker's Dracula"), but Disney's marketing department didn't do it here where it could do some good. "Edgar Rice Burroughs' John Carter (and the Princess of Mars)" would have definitely helped, as I had forgotten who John Carter was (kind of a generic name), but I could never forget the name Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Posted by: caspera at March 20, 2012 05:15 PM (Tb+Km)

61 and, as God is my witness, if I win the Mega Milliions tonight I'm producing "The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, Ur-Lord and Unbeliever"

and pay Ace to either write the screen play or write the review.

It depends on if he charges by the word.

-

Posted by: BumperStickerist at March 20, 2012 05:15 PM (h6mPj)

62 It's a fun movie that I keep hoping will start to do better due to word of mouth. I'd like to see a sequel. But sadly, no. It's already off the main big screens at the local cineplex. too bad.

Posted by: naturalfake at March 20, 2012 05:16 PM (I49Jm)

63 When a "new" story movie comes out they need to do a lot more gorilla marketing like Prometheus. Trailers that come out a 6 months to a year before the movie is to come out. Buzz and socal media buzz. ie Hunger games. This movie just showed up and with the price tag of a small navy ship with no back story that is not a generation old. If they had tie in with a re-released book and dozens of toys, there are no John Carter monopoly games.

Posted by: Tjexcite at March 20, 2012 05:17 PM (sk1Ym)

64 I know nothing about the story, so if Disney wants the opinion of someone completely ignorant going in, that's me. All I can say is, I agree, it's a stupid title, and having seen only previews, I can't recall the difference between this one and any number of other sci-fy action/adventure/romance nonsense that's come out or will be coming out soon. In other words, if you need my behind in the theater, you did nothing to get me there. But based on what you all are saying, me and my son would enjoy it, so it's their fault they lost me as a ticket-buyer.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 20, 2012 05:17 PM (Gc/Qi)

65 A romance, in the classical sense, is a long-form series of stories or adventures that revolve around one, central character. In the same sense, a novel should properly be a single story told using several characters, eg Nostromo, Joseph Andrews. The John Carter stories are definitely romances. In modern terminology, a novel is a book that's about 150 pages long & a romance is a bunch of huggin' & kissin'. In this sense, the John Carter stories are most certainly novels.

Posted by: I want a cylon wife-hammering machine please at March 20, 2012 05:17 PM (+6ZZN)

66 I'm underperforming, and I cost trillions baby!

Posted by: The Indonesian imbecile at March 20, 2012 05:19 PM (1GlXg)

67 The general rule that I've read is that it's a 50-50 split for studios and theaters -- over the entire run. But my understanding is the same as Ace's -- the studio gets 90% early and the theater gets 90% late and it shifts from week to week. That said, given how front-loaded box office returns are, it would have to shift massively after the first week to have a chance for the theaters to catch up to 50-50. Often a 1/3rd of total box office is made that first week.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at March 20, 2012 05:19 PM (ZPrif)

68 Fun movie, as I've said before. Handicapped by the inevitable attempt to shoehorn John Carter into the "reluctant asshole becomes a hero" template. In the books he's a hero from the git-go. That's just how he rolls. But screenwriters will go haring off after "character development."

By the same token, he spent too long learning not to be a reluctant asshole. It should stop IMMEDIATELY once he meets Dejah Thoris. Love at first sight, and he's ready to conquer a planet to win her.

In writing fiction it's always important to give your main character a clear goal (rescue the Princess/blow up the Death Star/find the Lost Ark/survive Reconstruction/get off the boat before it sinks/kill Zulus). In the book, John Carter has a clear goal once he meets Dejah Thoris. In the film they kind of muddied it up.

Posted by: Trimegistus at March 20, 2012 05:19 PM (licQC)

69 "I win the Mega Milliions tonight I'm producing "The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, Ur-Lord and Unbeliever"

I'm pretty sure that it was at Ace that I first saw this posted, but here it is again: http://fantasybedtimehour.com

There's no real need for a movie or miniseries after that

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 05:20 PM (QTHTd)

70 That said, given how front-loaded box office returns are, it would have to shift massively after the first week to have a chance for the theaters to catch up to 50-50. Often a 1/3rd of total box office is made that first week.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at March 20, 2012 09:19 PM (ZPrif)

--Does that apply to re-releases? Unless there is a re-release, the only movies I can imagine making more later are the ones that get attention from the Oscars while still in wide release.

Posted by: logprof at March 20, 2012 05:21 PM (ykSKg)

71 Martians? I can take care of them:

Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo, Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo
When I'm calling you
Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo, Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo
Will you answer too?
Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo, Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo

That means I offer my life to you to be my own
If you refuse me I will be blue, waiting all alone

But if when you hear my love call ringing clear
Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo, Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo
And I hear your answering echo so dear
Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo, Oo-Oo-Oo-Oo
Then I will know our love will become true
You'll belong to me and I'll belong to you

Then I will know our love will become true
You'll belong to me and I'll belong to you

Posted by: Slim Whitman at March 20, 2012 05:22 PM (kqqGm)

72 Oh... um, googling has turned up that it was my good friend Zimriel who posted that site the first time here.

So I guess I had found out about it somewhere else.

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 05:22 PM (QTHTd)

73 We need a Sci-Fi pic about women who go to Mars and their titties become too large, and the women have to return to earth or their chests explode. Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 09:13 PM (UOM4 ...but upon returning to Earth, they find the entire population dead save for one man, with whom they will have to repopulate the Earth while coping with their bovine mammaries. Yes, I think you're on to something...

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 05:23 PM (niZvt)

74 I don't remember any John Carter in Martian Chronicles.

Posted by: USS Diversity at March 20, 2012 05:23 PM (vpe0k)

75 90% of the box office take generally only occurs when the studios have the theaters over a barrel, as with some must-have film like a Harry Potter entry. Something like John Carter was probably closer to the 70% mark. And that's only the first weekend. Each weekend, generally, the exhibitors' percentage grows. (Not that that's likely to mean much for John Carter, given that it's probably not going to hang around in theaters that long.)

Also, factor in that most of the $180 million take so far came from overseas, where the studios generally get a smaller percentage than they do in the States. In the end, 50% is probably correct, more or less.

But let's say Disney ultimately gets 60% of the worldwide take. And let's say that said box office eventually gets to $300 million. Hardly a slam dunk at this point, but it's possible.

So that's $180 million back to Disney; a figure that is pretty much a best case scenario. Meanwhile, production plus prints & advertising means the film basically cost $300, maybe more. That's $120 million in the hole, and again, that's if a lot of things cut Disney's way. Chances are Disney is down somewhere between that figure and $200 million.

Posted by: Ken Begg at March 20, 2012 05:23 PM (8k5qH)

76 Romney seems to be rounding into shape

Posted by: Ombudsman at March 20, 2012 05:24 PM (AxHOT)

77 and, as God is my witness, if I win the Mega Milliions tonight I'm producing "The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, Ur-Lord and Unbeliever"

and pay Ace to either write the screen play or write the review.

It depends on if he charges by the word.

I'd rather you pay him to write Saffron, Intergalactic Space Whore.

Posted by: Ghost of Lee Atwater at March 20, 2012 05:24 PM (BQg1G)

78 "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock... on Mars" would have been the best title.

Posted by: Sandra Fluke: Cock aficionado at March 20, 2012 05:25 PM (VnDMc)

79 Jimmy Carter of Uranus was bound to flop.

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 05:27 PM (niZvt)

80 It is sad that I praise a movie when it doesn't insult me to my face. "He's so nice, ma! And he didn't hit me once the whole night! Not even when I got a little grouchy and deserved it!"

Posted by: Clubber Lang at March 20, 2012 05:28 PM (ZPrif)

81 >>>Nah, it's more just non-Skinemax soft core for Kratos. lol. I've never seen the remake of Clash of the Titans and every time the original CotT was on TBS, I only picked up the movie where Medusa was slain. Besides, these Titans movies are Greek mythology revisionists. Anybody who is anybody knows that Perseus fatally lost the duel between him and Kratos in the chamber over the Hall of Atropos during the events of GoW2. Here's a little fun fact. Harry Hamlin, the guy who played Perseus in the original Clash of the Titans movie, voiced Perseus in God of War 2.

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at March 20, 2012 05:29 PM (TCgGe)

82 I'd prefer Antarctica Now, or possibly a feature-length version of Riptide.

Posted by: Hoss Fuentes at March 20, 2012 05:30 PM (kt+R2)

83 I saw it the other day. Thought the CGI (Tarks) was the best I've seen yet. The fact that it is an original story and not some Hollywood rehash or foreign remake was a big plus. I would recommend it for kids and adults that like sci-fi.

Posted by: ole scratch at March 20, 2012 05:30 PM (+56Bh)

84 75 We need a Sci-Fi pic about women who go to Mars and their titties become too large, and the women have to return to earth or their chests explode.
Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 09:13 PM (UOM4

...but upon returning to Earth, they find the entire population dead save for one man, with whom they will have to repopulate the Earth while coping with their bovine mammaries.

Yes, I think you're on to something...

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 09:23 PM (niZvt)

If you're willing to bankroll it, I'm willing to write the (dreadfully bad) script.

At the very least, we could develop a cult following.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 05:30 PM (UOM48)

85 "lol. I've never seen the remake of Clash of the Titans and every time the original CotT was on TBS, " Personally I thought the remake really sucked. I can still watch the original with it's horribly laughable special effects and get more enjoyment out of it than I did out of the remake.

Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 20, 2012 05:31 PM (R5yLq)

86 Judging by the length of this movie review, I fear Ace is not well. I know a little bit about medicine from the movies. In The Madness of King George, the contents of the Royal bedpan were inspected each morning for diagnostic purposes. I hope Ace has similar care at his disposal until Obamacare kicks in.

Posted by: USA at March 20, 2012 05:32 PM (6Cjut)

87 On the Therns ... aren't they just some other race of Martians themselves?

Posted by: Clubber Lang at March 20, 2012 05:32 PM (ZPrif)

88 I saw "The Madness of King George" in the theatrical run.

"A fetid and stinking stool" sums it up nicely.

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 05:35 PM (QTHTd)

89 Personally I thought the remake really sucked. I can still watch the original with it's horribly laughable special effects and get more enjoyment out of it than I did out of the remake.

Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 20, 2012 09:31 PM (R5yLq)

--Yeah, the remake was too heavy with the obvious CGI. I think well-done models in some cases would look better than CGI.

Posted by: logprof at March 20, 2012 05:35 PM (ykSKg)

90 @88 Once you're over sixty, you check every one yourself.

Posted by: Beto at March 20, 2012 05:35 PM (lpWVn)

91 "A fetid and stinking stool" sums it up nicely. I thought "prodigious" was part of the description, too. The things I remember....

Posted by: USA at March 20, 2012 05:36 PM (6Cjut)

92 Agreed. This movie review did not approach novella length - a clear sign of fatigue and ennui. Ace might be out of Bachelor Chow or rationing the Valu-rite.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at March 20, 2012 05:37 PM (ZPrif)

93 @93 you hope for prodigious. Metamucil's better than viagra

Posted by: Beto at March 20, 2012 05:38 PM (lpWVn)

94 Perhaps a generous dose of Reproductive Justice might set ailing Ace aright?

Posted by: USA at March 20, 2012 05:39 PM (6Cjut)

95 When I saw the trailer for Wrath of the Titans, I immediately compared it to God of War because of the Fire Titan. From what little I saw, the Fire Titan in the trailer resembled Perses, the Fire Titan from GoW3. But then again, the base projection of anything like a Fire Titan is going to be at least a hulking creature with the complexion of stone, complete with fiery magma veins and probably a volcano jutting out of its back.

Posted by: Kratos (Ghost of Sparta) at March 20, 2012 05:39 PM (TCgGe)

96 Anyone willing to bankroll "The Real Housewives of OC: The Musical?" Because I'm all in.

Fake boobies, lying, cheating, boobie reduction, plastic surgery, fucked up kids......it's got it all!

Bonus: Brian Dennehy in the role he was meant for: Southern California.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 05:39 PM (UOM48)

97 Vallejo couldn't hold frazettas loin cloth!

Posted by: McLovin at March 20, 2012 05:39 PM (l14aH)

98 Even before I knew what conservatism was, I hated the Lorax. "I speak for the trees." Who the hell are you to speak for the trees? Did they elect you or did you just appoint yourself the fucking Supreme Emperor of The Forest? Hey, I speak for the trees and they're telling me to make them into a piano. They're tired of spending their life in the fucking cold, damp forest.

Posted by: AmishDude at March 20, 2012 05:40 PM (7lYHg)

99 The plot is mostly dead-simple -- save the princess from an impeding forced marriage to a ruthless, murderous thug

Read: Princess-USA......Thug-Santorum

Posted by: Beto at March 20, 2012 05:41 PM (lpWVn)

100 Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 09:30 PM (UOM4 Only if we can get David Caruso and the entire female Kardashian clan to star.

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 05:42 PM (niZvt)

101 @100 I turned them into a house and put a roof over their heads

Posted by: Beto at March 20, 2012 05:43 PM (lpWVn)

102 "Hey, I speak for the trees and they're telling me to make them into a piano. They're tired of spending their life in the fucking cold, damp forest."

From your mouth to Stone and Parkers' ears. If Eric Cartman hasn't said this yet, he has to.

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 05:44 PM (QTHTd)

103 the entire female Kardashian clan

Talk about some boobs. And I don't mean the nippled kind

Posted by: Beto at March 20, 2012 05:44 PM (lpWVn)

104 Are there any rings in it?

Posted by: mike at March 20, 2012 05:45 PM (kqXHe)

105 102 Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 09:30 PM (UOM4

Only if we can get David Caruso and the entire female Kardashian clan to star.

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 09:42 PM (niZvt)

David Caruso? He's so yesterday. I'm on board with the Kardashians, but we need a different male lead.....

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 05:47 PM (UOM48)

106 Justified!

Posted by: USA at March 20, 2012 05:49 PM (6Cjut)

107 The Hunger Games is starting to rack up some reviews on RottenTomatoes. They say it's... good. Maybe great (90%).

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 05:51 PM (QTHTd)

108 "David Caruso? He's so yesterday. I'm on board with the Kardashians, but we need a different male lead....." Well most of the Baldwins will work cheap - and they are fairly interchangeable. But if it were me I'd probably go with Danny Bonaduce. His roid rage antics would make a perfect addition to this delightful ensemble cast.

Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 20, 2012 05:51 PM (R5yLq)

109 Never in the course of the last 10,000 years of cinema, has such an audacious movie abourt Mars been committed to cellulite!!!!

Posted by: Joe Biden, Fucking Retard at March 20, 2012 05:52 PM (wMsKw)

110 2 It was OK, but why do aliens always have British accents? They never sound like an East Texas coonass or a Swedish immigrant.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 20, 2012 08:51 PM (+lsX1)

Anakin Skywalker's mother had a Swedish accent.

Posted by: fozzy at March 20, 2012 05:53 PM (FEzSe)

111

I couldn't wait till the ONT to post this. I love a eureka moment, no matter how small. I just had one. I have never really understuood the wiring configuration of an electric motor. I still don't.

I used to be in the chemical lawncare business. I still have my small spray rig and use it to treat my kids lawn, a couple friends and my own. It is set up with a couple small shurflo pumps. One of them wasn't working. I would normally have to replace it for $90 or so. I decided to spend a little quality time with it on my bench. After checking the pressure switch and a couple mechanical items it was still freezing up. I pulled the rotor and for the first time for me, on an electric motor, tested continuity across each winding. Low and behold one was open. It seemed to be in such good shape internally I was curious where the short was. It turns out the winding was connected to the rotor contact with a simple fold over copper clamp. I used a screw driver and a small hammer to tap the clamp tighter. It took about 3 seconds. Voila! it's 100%. Saved myself $90. So much for the throw away society.

My wife thinks I'm a little wierd for getting excited about these things. I enjoy a good aha moment.

Also, Stick a fork in Newt and Santorum. We're going to get Romney. Shit!

Posted by: Ohio Dan bragging on himself at March 20, 2012 05:55 PM (JKNDp)

112 >>>parents don't know whose hatchling is whom but just claim them upon birthing A prominent feature of collectivist society as described by Plato in The Republic

Posted by: MikeTheMoose at March 20, 2012 05:56 PM (hcyKT)

113 I liked it too. I didn't understand the whole, princess dress like a slut in her wedding dress thing. I mean, I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering why the proud warrior men folk of mars yadda yadda aren't like other proud warrior menfolk and have the trick show a little less virginal skin. The pile of Tarks was cool. I was drinking so I somehow missed out on the whole group birth thing and the predatory city.

Posted by: joeindc44 at March 20, 2012 05:57 PM (S9InG)

114 Brian Dennehy was great as the planet Mars.

Posted by: Obligatory AoSHQ Joke at March 20, 2012 05:57 PM (ykSKg)

115 "Also, Stick a fork in Newt and Santorum. We're going to get Romney. Shit!" Well Romney is a much better choice than.. umm.. hmm.. ok, nevermind. Oh well, looks like it's hold the nose with one hand and pull the lever with the other time.. again.. sigh.

Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 20, 2012 05:59 PM (R5yLq)

116 Also, Stick a fork in Newt and Santorum. We're going to get Romney. Shit!

Posted by: Ohio Dan bragging on himself at March 20, 2012 09:55 PM (JKNDp)

--I just read Jonah's column about the cynical case for voting. It should be required reading for anyone sour on voting for Romney.

Posted by: logprof at March 20, 2012 06:00 PM (ykSKg)

117 **See, this is what I mean. It's actually very simple. the Therns do not want anyone to implement Ninth Ray technology so when a society starts getting close to that they sabotage it. On Mars, they intended to put the world under the rule of a lowbrow thug. ** der what? Ninth ray wha? damn, they did a bad job putting this movie together, although it was still good.

Posted by: joeindc44 at March 20, 2012 06:01 PM (S9InG)

118

I though John Carter worked awefully hard to be an okay movie. It's the type of movie every one who likes science fiction will see eventially, just not in a theater. A better title and better music would have helped.

Conan the Barbarian had better more epic music. It made a hell of a lot more money on b-movie budget using a muscle bound newbie that couldn't act and could barely speak understandable English.

Posted by: Ohio Dan bragging on himself at March 20, 2012 06:02 PM (JKNDp)

119 I thought it was a thoroughly entertaining film. For a run time of about 2 hours, I was never really bored. I found the orange tan offputting as well, but I didn't really know what they were supposed to look like in the first place so I just kind of shrugged it off. I actually laughed out loud in the theater. Something I rarely do. It had some good one liners/gags.

Posted by: lost ones at March 20, 2012 06:02 PM (oYYXa)

120 They maybe should have even gone with "A Princess of Mars".

It was a fun movie.

Afterward, when I was trying to tell people that it was a fun movie, I thought of the fun parts and figured that I wanted to see it again. I have a feeling it's one of those that will grow on you. (Like Prince of Persia, like a *fungus*. It's to the point where I really get a kick out of PoP. It's simply *fun*.)

I didn't mind the sort of "tanned" red men of Mars, but John Carter ended up looking pallid... and pallid is not a word you want to have anyone use to describe the hero.

The baby Tharks were ADORABLE little spuds.

Posted by: Synova at March 20, 2012 06:02 PM (P0X9Q)

121 "Conan the Barbarian had better more epic music. It made a hell of a lot more money onb-movie budget using a muscle bound newbie that couldn't act and could barely speakunderstandable English." So a few more bad movies and he can run for governor of California.

Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 20, 2012 06:03 PM (R5yLq)

122 Maybe the very fact that conservative Republicans will hold their nose and vote for Romney will convince moderates that Romney's not so bad.

Posted by: Ohio Dan searching for a silver lining at March 20, 2012 06:05 PM (JKNDp)

123 A movie about a badass guy on Mars, yeah that will go over well. Aren't we sick of the Star Wars shit yet?

Posted by: Samuel Adams at March 20, 2012 06:05 PM (5KvzL)

124 "I liked it too. I didn't understand the whole, princess dress like a slut in her wedding dress thing."

When she said about the wedding dress, "I think it's a bit tawdry," I just about fell out of my seat.

Stuff like that is why I want to watch it again.

Posted by: Synova at March 20, 2012 06:06 PM (P0X9Q)

125 I saw John Carter and loved it. I was going to see it again last weekend but those plans blew up. This weekend, certainly.

Its worth noting two things. That $184 million dollar number is the worldwide gross, not the domestic gross. Of course a movie like this can only make money when you count the worldwide totals, but it's still performing miserably. And the marketing was atrocious. I would have called the Damn thing John Carter and A Princess Of Mars and advertised the romance aspect of it. Idiots.

As for the costumes, it's worth noting that in the original book everyone runs around naked. So if the costumes seemed cobbled together it's because the writers didn't have a lot to work with in that department. A melange of costume ideas would have to do. Regardless, the chick that played Dejah Thoris gave me a giant boner and that's all that matters.

I suppose I should note a third thing and that's so many sci-fi fantasy stories have ripped off ERB's A Princess Of Mars and the Barsoom series over the decades. If this story seems a little derivative it's because you've seen it ripped off in other movies like Star Wars and the like.

Posted by: Robert at March 20, 2012 06:09 PM (F79HU)

126 Hail to the conquering hero and his mighty, pallid, sickly looking arms!

Posted by: John Carter's Pasty Limbs at March 20, 2012 06:09 PM (ZPrif)

127

Anakin Skywalker's mother was a dirty Skandi. So she deserved what she got!

Gosh, that sounds so mean. I mean, what did Scandinavian folk ever do to me? I feel terrible now, and am going to lie down for a while.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes.... at March 20, 2012 06:10 PM (sJTmU)

128 Posted by: Robert at March 20, 2012 10:09 PM (F79HU)

It's still idiotic tripe just like Star Wars.

Posted by: Samuel Adams at March 20, 2012 06:10 PM (5KvzL)

129 The costumes made me think of Flash Gordon.

Posted by: Synova at March 20, 2012 06:11 PM (P0X9Q)

130 So, I see the synopsis here; where's the rest of the review?

Posted by: Contemplative Lobster at March 20, 2012 06:11 PM (TrNbx)

131 I liked it. Is seems to me that they changed the Princess from the grand daughter of the King to the daughter. Is this because they did not want John Carter (30 in novel--Taylor Kitsch is 31) to marry an late teen? It would not have been hard to make the King a little older and make her 22 or 23 (within the so called "half your age plus seven" rule.

It's too bad it is loosing so much money which makes it much less likely that they will do the rest of the books.

Posted by: Michael E. Stora, Ph.D. at March 20, 2012 06:11 PM (IpkXJ)

132 "Its worth noting two things. That $184 million dollar number is the worldwide gross, not the domestic gross. As for the costumes, it's worth noting that in the original book everyone runs around naked. " And if they had filmed it that way my guess is it would be doing much better at the box office.

Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 20, 2012 06:12 PM (R5yLq)

133 Hey SoS, normal day at work today?

Posted by: Ohio Dan searching for a silver lining at March 20, 2012 06:14 PM (JKNDp)

134 64 When a "new" story movie comes out they need to do a lot more gorilla marketing like Prometheus. Trailers that come out a 6 months to a year before the movie is to come out. Buzz and socal media buzz. ie Hunger games. This movie just showed up and with the price tag of a small navy ship with no back story that is not a generation old. If they had tie in with a re-released book and dozens of toys, there are no John Carter monopoly games.

Posted by: Tjexcite at March 20, 2012 09:17 PM (sk1Ym)

Actually no, the marketing for this movie was about as you said that it was for Prometheus. Over a year in the effort to push it. I think you can even find a post here that has got to be almost a year old with the trailer. Trailers were appearing in theaters last summer. Its just that beyond that they had probably some of the worst marketing strategy I've seen. And they even attempted to change it up sometime in February by using the selling points of "From the studio that brought you Pirates of the Caribean" And then other commercials with "before there was Star Wars..."

So its like they had that year long marketing plan but it just wasn't working.

Posted by: buzzion at March 20, 2012 06:14 PM (GULKT)

135 Romney =Lose by winning. Aka Nixon's "We are all Keynesians now." I never was, and never will be. (I did have to register for his draft, like that Fascist Lincoln's.) The people in Congress get richer (they made themselves exempt from insider-trading laws; even Wellstone was a millionaire from Northfield who never did a damn thing: Harry Reid?!? Would you even hire him for youth pastor???), and our precious God-given Liberty is stolen. Even the cops are union-members. I pay every G-D penny of my taxes, but that (and the funny-money they borrow/print) is their green energy. But they don't actually live in Nature, they live in "Obamaworld" (200

Posted by: Thorvald at March 20, 2012 06:15 PM (OhenJ)

136 Yes, A Princess of Mars.

Romance...

Adorable babies that look like slimy green maggots, but are still adorable, because they're babies...

And the hero heads off across the dunes with two female companions...

Definitely should have been marketed to the ladies.

Posted by: Synova at March 20, 2012 06:15 PM (P0X9Q)

137 I don't recall,were the males naked too?That would be disturbing,fighting with a sword with your meat and veg hanging out.

Posted by: steevy at March 20, 2012 06:15 PM (7W3wI)

138 " Hey SoS, normal day at work today?" Yup.. had lunch with Wolverine again, looks like Che-boy and the bots are avoiding the cafeteria or at least they did today. Other than that not much to report. The place did seem to liven up a bit today though, I think folks are starting to relax and hopefully things are starting to get back to normal.

Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 20, 2012 06:15 PM (R5yLq)

139 I think hatching a naked John Carter leaping a hundred feet in the low gravity of Mars with his schlong flopping in the breeze would be a little off putting for me but I'm sure there would be an audience for it. Naked red Martian babes on the other hand.....

Posted by: Ohio Dan searching for a silver lining at March 20, 2012 06:16 PM (JKNDp)

140

@115 Haven't had a chance to see it yet, so I might be off on my observation. But I have read the books, and in the books the Martians are essentially naked aside from harnesses to hold stuff (kind of like how we use pockets). So any "slut-wear" is likely just staying true to the source material - and possibly a bit more kid friendly, in fact.

Ironically, while the clothing would suggest otherwise, the Martian culture as a whole has much stricter sexual mores than we do. Doesn't mean that certain villains don't try and find ways to get around the cultural rules, but Barsoom is very much a "look but don't you dare touch" culture. At least until you're married.

Posted by: junior at March 20, 2012 06:16 PM (F51gk)

141

Isn't 90 per cent of Science Fiction crap?

90% of everything is crap - Theodore Sturgeon (true story!)

And none of you losers better copy this quote, either.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes.... at March 20, 2012 06:17 PM (sJTmU)

142 sos, lovely to see you fit and smiling .

Posted by: willow at March 20, 2012 06:17 PM (TomZ9)

143 "Red men" in a new world? This smells racist to me...

Posted by: JeremiadBullfrog at March 20, 2012 06:18 PM (Y5I9o)

144 "From the studio that brought you Pirates of the Caribbean" . . . and Treasure Planet

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 06:18 PM (QTHTd)

145 Stupid bitch "curious" was just attacking Ann Romney for her appearance in the thread below.

Doesn't seem to understand that Ann is a breast cancer survivor and suffers from MS.

Gah.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 20, 2012 06:19 PM (UOM48)

146 Let me tell you a story of the Civil War vampire and his adventures in space! He defeats the savage, deal-breaking Red Men! He defeats the mighty Ape creatures! He defeats the inscrutably exotic Men of Yellow! This is in no way a Race Parable! (And I might have made up that last one.)

Posted by: John Carter's Pasty Limbs at March 20, 2012 06:20 PM (ZPrif)

147 Rumor has it there is a sequel already in the works. Unfortunately the same idiots in charge of marketing for this disaster want to call it Welcome Back Carter.

Posted by: Rex Harrison's Hat at March 20, 2012 06:22 PM (8AAsZ)

148 Jane, i can't see a thing about Ann that would be problematic. She seems a a very nice person .

Posted by: willow at March 20, 2012 06:22 PM (TomZ9)

149 "Watchmen" was an A- movie. The sex scene was stupid and I didn't like the oh-so-stylist fight scenes, but the ending was better than Alan Moore's ending IMO.

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 06:23 PM (QTHTd)

150 she also seems very steady and responsible.

Posted by: willow at March 20, 2012 06:24 PM (TomZ9)

151 oh, and this movie's no worse than any other block buster. I blame the marketing.

Posted by: joeindc44 at March 20, 2012 06:24 PM (S9InG)

152

In one of the Edgar Rice Burroughs stories, John Carter ends up entering the secret fortress at the South Pole where....the Black Men live.

And he makes some very un-PC statements about the whole thing. This stuff was entertaining, but it won't quite fly in dis modern age, honkeys.

All those books can be downloaded FREE on your Kindle from Amazon. They are fun reading, and an interesting inward look at a culture (in America) that is long gone. Because novelists really write about themselves, and their personal dreams, even if allegorical.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes.... at March 20, 2012 06:24 PM (sJTmU)

153 LOL @151.

Edgar Rice Burroughs was definitely a man of his time . . .

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 06:25 PM (QTHTd)

154 "sos, lovely to see you fit and smiling ." Yup, good day today. Just your boring, everyday grind. It's amazing how much I missed that.

Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 20, 2012 06:25 PM (R5yLq)

155 Was the Martian stuff subtitled?

Posted by: CDR M at March 20, 2012 06:26 PM (QaYwz)

156 Clark Ashton Smith is where I go for my anti-PC fantasy fix.

Robert Howard might even be better, just because he hates white people too. Misanthropy FTW.

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 06:26 PM (QTHTd)

157 62 and, as God is my witness, if I win the Mega Milliions tonight I'm producing "The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, Ur-Lord and Unbeliever"

and pay Ace to either write the screen play or write the review.

It depends on if he charges by the word.

-

Posted by: BumperStickerist at March 20, 2012 09:15 PM (h6mPj)

The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever is great. read some of white gold wielder and it was so good i stopped soon after starting it to get the first of them and start at the beginning. very good read.

Posted by: trailortrash at March 20, 2012 06:26 PM (xllDV)

158 sos, i know, i used to be annoyed that i had to go grocery shopping.
now i'm grateful i still can.

Posted by: willow at March 20, 2012 06:27 PM (TomZ9)

159

"Welcome Back Carter. "

Now that shit's funny right there!

Posted by: Ohio Dan at March 20, 2012 06:28 PM (JKNDp)

160 "Regardless, the chick that played Dejah Thoris gave me a giant boner and that's all that matters." Well, after all "Dejah Thoris" does mean "Throbbing Schwang" in ancient Sanskrit...

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 06:28 PM (niZvt)

161 sos nix that, it doesn't relate to you experience. still i'm very happy to see you. and wish you the best.

sos-barticus

Posted by: willow at March 20, 2012 06:28 PM (TomZ9)

162 147 "Red men" in a new world? This smells racist to me... Posted by: JeremiadBullfrog at March 20, 2012 10:18 PM (Y5I9o) I dunno, "Tarks" sounds cognitive abilitativist to me.

Posted by: bergerbilder at March 20, 2012 06:30 PM (j+Izh)

163 Lovecraft is the best for cool stories + race hatred. Ever read some of his letters? Oh man. Anybody non-white made his skin crawl. He was just physically repulsed by the majority of the planet.

Posted by: Clubber Lang at March 20, 2012 06:31 PM (ZPrif)

164 164 I hope the sequel is Edgar Rice Burrow's masterpiece about aliens who come and ask for all of America's black people. Posted by: Z Ryan at March 20, 2012 10:28 PM (U9NWP) That would lave us stuck with President Cafe Latte, wouldn't it?

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 06:31 PM (niZvt)

165 "leave," I meant

Posted by: CoolCzech at March 20, 2012 06:32 PM (niZvt)

166 "sos, i know, i used to be annoyed that i had to go grocery shopping. now i'm grateful i still can." It's amazing how things can change your perspective sometimes. It's also kind of nice when it does happen and you realize your starting to appreciate some of the more common, mundane things you always took for granted.

Posted by: StuckOnStupid at March 20, 2012 06:34 PM (R5yLq)

167 I saw the movie the week before it came out. I thought it was very good and said so at the time. It is not a "perfect" movie but the CGI mixed with the live action is close to seemless. I always believed that the CGI characters were in the scene. If the movie does nothing more than advance the standard for CGI, it will have done a great thing!

Posted by: Michael K. at March 20, 2012 06:34 PM (Gx+Vn)

168 How about this for a scifi story: Newly elected super liberal President find out a large asteroid is going to hit the Earth. He finds out they have two options 1) build a large missle, laser, whatever to destroy the thing or 2) build a large space station to house the "best" until the inevitable destruction takes place. He decides on #2 but must hide the construction as a large government spending program, I.e. stimulus (everyone wonders where the money went). So it gets near the end and the President is like "so long suckers", and flies to the station but the asteriod misses the Earth and instead hits the space station.

Posted by: President Chet Roosevelt at March 20, 2012 06:35 PM (caupe)

169 Well, no...

Nope.

Not really a good movie.

I can understand Ace's enthusiasm for the scattered ideas that played well, but the film was a mess from a scripting point of view. Didn't care about Carter. Didn't care about which city won or lost. Didn't care about the manipulative mystics pulling the strings.

I didn't even care about the Princess of Mars...what a wasted opportunity! How many boys created their own tent pole productions in their pants fantasizing at the depictions of Dejah Thoris from artists like Frank Frazetta over the past century.

And what did we get? Another female sword-wielder who ,,, surprise! ...can fight as good as any man. Oh, and who also just happens to be the premiere scientist of her people, on the verge of discovering the secret 9th ray of the universe.

In other words...typical 80s Hollywood heroine BS.

Oh, and she was a princess...although you'd be hard-pressed to find any evidence of it.Did she ever act like a princess? Did the people around her act like she was a princess?

You'd think the big reveal of Dejah would have been an early high-point of the film. Dude, she's not just a princess...she's the f'ing Princess of Mars!

But damned if I remember a single thing about her entrance. Slave Leia showed more skin, fer'crissake, and that was 40 years ago.

The filmmakers deigned to show her at the end in a semi-revealing princess costume, but made sure to give her something to say that denigrated her (attempted) sexy attire. Do we really need feminist snark when the Princess is supposed to be the most voluptuous?

You know what I wanted to see? There's a Frezetta-like painting that's been floating around for years -- it shows incredibly erotic and desirable princess on a throne, surrounded by a tiger and an enormous body-guard with a huge axe. She gazes at an unseen figure, approaching the throne. She has a look of desire, but also of a challange, as if to say, "You want me? Well, you'll have to fight your way through these guys. But if you make it to the throne alive, I'm yours."

Was that emotion ever conveyed at any point in the film?

Well, no...

Nope.

Not really a good movie.

Oh, and yeah the Tharks were actually the best thing about the movie...they were a reflection of the tribal Apaches from the opening sequences, setting up nice echo with the clash of civilizations going on on Earth at the same time.

Posted by: Rumpleforeskin at March 20, 2012 06:36 PM (LZvRb)

170 "So much of the science-fiction imagining you see in movies is so cramped and routine and based merely on films from ten years ago. All they seem to do is recycle plot elements from the sci-fi hits Alien, Aliens, and Terminator."

It's almost as though... gosh, I don't know.

It's almost as though Hollywood is a big business intent on providing canned product to a mass audience, and intent on making that product with the generic, repeatable and nonchallenging attributes that mass audiences prefer.

Of course, we know that can't possibly be true.

Because our Hollywood leftist friends always congratulate themselves on how "edgy" and "transgressive" they are, and tell us how they are always pushing the limits of the creative envelope, and justify their huge pay packages on that basis.

Posted by: torquewrench at March 20, 2012 06:39 PM (ymG7s)

171 RumpledDickSkin is right. I now hate the movie. Fuck you and your wrinkly dick skin!

Posted by: Clubber Lang at March 20, 2012 06:40 PM (ZPrif)

172 I hate the sword wielding princess character too. I think it basically started with Ellen Ripley in Aliens.

Posted by: President Chet Roosevelt at March 20, 2012 06:41 PM (caupe)

173 In before the buzzkill. Oh. Dang...

Posted by: Rex Harrison's Hat at March 20, 2012 06:42 PM (zZI65)

174 Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 20, 2012 10:23 PM (QTHTd) I thought the sex scene in Archie was a little unwarranted too but the song that accompanied it was perfect. The titty shot was nice too.

Posted by: Rex Harrison's Hat at March 20, 2012 06:43 PM (zZI65)

175 I went to see John Carter and enjoyed it. It's a romantic romp that is fun. Even as Carter is looking at the mob with swords in hand, you just want to cheer him on. Yeah he has skeletons. But it makes him more approachable.

If they had stuck to the book description of Dejah, well all the boys would have shown up with their 3D glasses to see her jewels.

I have said it before, I think it was the Thern who designed the ad campaign. A bland movie name and a blah trailer. That is Thern 'winning!' to prevent us from finding the 9th ray.

Posted by: Anna Puma at March 20, 2012 06:49 PM (Q7gBh)

176 The wife wanted to go see it, so I went, and I slept through 90% of it. That's no reflection on the movie, though, I was exhausted. I was asleep before they even got to Mars. But the parts I did see didn't seem hideously bad, certainly not Phantom Menace bad. I'll see it fully on DVD or Netflix.

Posted by: nickless at March 20, 2012 06:56 PM (MMC8r)

177 I'd rather you pay him to write Saffron, Intergalactic Space Whore. Posted by: Ghost of Lee Atwater at March 20, 2012 09:24 PM (BQg1G) You bastard. I was gonna make that suggestion.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at March 20, 2012 06:57 PM (FIE/L)

178 Seems like they mashed up three or four of the books but managed to expose us to a lot of stuff like the pilgrimage of old down the river Iss, the thern/degraded remnants of the white martian empire, white apes, noble vs. savage tharks, the beauty of the Helium culture, airships, etc. On the other hand the martians all wore clothes and red martian was interpreted to mean bronze skinned 'possibly Polynesian' martian. They dumped the' astral projection due to Apache drug smoke' explanation for getting to mars but then the idea of remote presence via mesmerism is not as cool as it once was so a stargate type thing is probably a more acceptable idea to a modern audience. Overall I liked it. It looks good. It's the kind of movie that the Star Wars prequels, Buck Rogers, and Flash Gordon wished they were. It's a real shame that it's going to lose money in the theaters. It's well made and a real spectacle and not nearly as preachy as some overdeveloped pap like Avatar.

Posted by: Cackfinger at March 20, 2012 06:57 PM (CCHli)

179

It wasn't bad enough they made Dejah Thoris ANOTHER superbad ninja woman.

It wasn't bad enough they made Dejah Thoris ANOTHER superscientist career woman.

Dejah Thoris is SUPPOSED to be a Princess, but the title carries an additional connotation within the context of the story - when a Red Martian woman calls a man "my Chieftain" and the man calls her "my Princess", it means they are pledging themselves in marriage. By being a "Princess" of Mars, Dejah Thoris is also supposed to be the perfect woman for a wife.

But aside from messing all of that up, they also made Dejah Thoris into yet ANOTHER whining, scheming, codependent, incapable of getting a man except by manipulating him.

Of course they turned John Carter from the epitome of gentlemanly virtues into a burn out obsessed with gold, who would fight at the drop of a hat - unless of course he was actually asked to help, then there was nothing worth fighting for.

One Frazetta-style ring of corpses does not make up for that.
(BTW - those corpses were Warhoons, not Tharks. They are two different hordes of Green Men of Mars.)

Posted by: Sam at March 20, 2012 06:58 PM (6VSdJ)

180 >>. They dumped the' astral projection due to Apache drug smoke' explanation for getting to mars but then the idea of remote presence via mesmerism is not as cool as it once was so a stargate type thing is probably a more acceptable idea to a modern audience. I think they traded it for a mechanical contrivance for purposes of setting up the bookend story (beginning, ending on Earth).

Posted by: ace at March 20, 2012 07:09 PM (jLOle)

181

@157 Don't forget that one of the first things that John Carter does upon meeting the BLACK martians is to save a WHITE female from them. I'm sure that would go over like a lead balloon...

... even though said white female turns out to be one of the villains of the piece.

Posted by: junior at March 20, 2012 07:13 PM (F51gk)

182 I think the problem is that with the drug smoke mechanism the story takes on unwanted subtexts from other popular movies a la Sucker Punch, Total Recall, The Neverending Story, Wizard of Oz, Shutter Isle, Naked Lunch, or Inception. It looks too much like way too much like there is an implied "real" story that " John Carter got really super high on crazy Indian shit in Arizona and never came all the way back down and now here are his whacked out delusional schitzo-trips as told to his sad nephew in an asylum (that he mistook for his mansion) during visiting hours before the tuberculosis got him".

Posted by: Cackfinger at March 20, 2012 07:21 PM (CCHli)

183 The idea that putting "Mars" in a title will cause it to bomb is another example of Hollywood's Magical Thinking. You know--"if we put director of with star of [other big hit] obviously we'll make twice as much!"

It's the same thinking that makes them produce forty anti-US/anti-Iraq War films when none of them make any money. And the same thinking that makes them liberals.

"A Princess of Mars" would have been the perfect title.

Posted by: BeckoningChasm at March 20, 2012 07:23 PM (i0App)

184 They should have called it MarsWars and gave out free mars candy to the movie goers. They could have used it to relaunch the Mars Bar in the US because 'Snickers with Almonds' is just not the same.

Posted by: Cackfinger at March 20, 2012 07:24 PM (CCHli)

185 89 On the Therns ... aren't they just some other race of Martians themselves? -------- Yes, in the book. In the movie, they decided to turn them into immortal busybody aliens for no good reason.

Posted by: Anachronda at March 20, 2012 08:07 PM (Tgpwi)

186 I remember the thern being degraded descendants of the old vanished white martian civilization and one of the key maintainers of the fake religion of Issus in the books. They were the sinister cultish schemers and espionage dudes, as opposed to the raider pirates(black martians), or immortal expatriot philosophers(old white "original" martian remnant), or the weird pervy extra-brutal slavers (yellow martians), noble but misguided city builders (red martians), or the nomadic savages (green martians) .

Posted by: Cackfinger at March 20, 2012 08:30 PM (CCHli)

187 I did blog post called 'What Went Wrong With Disney's 'John Carter'? that helps explain some of the bad decisions Disney made with this film: http://tinyurl.com/7ktnh46 [url]http://tinyurl.com/7ktnh46

Posted by: drawandstrike at March 20, 2012 08:41 PM (iGKkt)

188 I liked the Asylum version. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Princess_of_Mars
It had Traci Lords as the Princess. He jumped all over the planet like a flea, it was great. My little boy thought it was pretty cool (he's 5). Our 2 year old laughed her butt off at the jumping around.

Posted by: ms. docweasel at March 20, 2012 08:48 PM (beBtw)

189 132 The costumes made me think of Flash Gordon.

*********

Me too.

Posted by: Mingia the Merciless at March 20, 2012 09:09 PM (SV4OI)

190 "John Carter comes fairly directly from an actual writer -- not a hack hired to recycle crap from fifteen years ago -- so he gives his imagination a little license." The recycled crap in this case is from 100 years ago, not fifteen. The story was serialized over six months in 1912.

Posted by: Jordan at March 20, 2012 11:47 PM (RSG1I)

191

Both my boys held Avatar as the best movie they've ever seen in their young lives, until we saw John Carter. They were blown away. It's a grand film. Even the wife liked it, and she had to be dragged to it. She wanted to see Lorax instead -- and therein lies John Carter's problem, I suspect. Which is troubling, John Carter is not appealling to women for whatever reason, even though there's a good dose of romance of the swashbuckling sort (the whole thing is centered around the relationship with the princess). Hollywood might take the lesson, "make more chick flicks, screw the boys" after this one. And that is all we need at the box office. It ought not to be, John Carter is not a bad movie, it is in fact a good movie.

Warning to anyone who read the book, A Princess of Mars, upon which the film is so-called based: it resembles the book in that it takes place on Barsoom and has the same characters. That's it. It is a big departure from the book. (This is disappointing to me, a fan of the books, but it is a good movie nevertheless).

Posted by: Cowboy at March 21, 2012 06:46 AM (So+7G)

192

To further detail the "intricacies" of the encounter with the Black Men of Mars:

First John Carter encounters the Therns, a semi-offshoot of the White Men of Mars.

These White Men of Mars are running a religious scam in order to collect wealth, slaves, and food from the Red and Green Men of Mars. To be clear, said food is the Red Men of Mars.

After dealing with the White Men of Mars, including picking up the usual clingy evil female, he comes into contact with the Black Men of Mars.

The Black Men of Mars operate as pirates to get wealth and slaves, as well as taking advantage of the fake religious cult of the White Men of Mars in order to gain, you guessed it, food.

Burroughs thus neatly sets up the aforementioned clingy evil female to express outrage over the Black Men of Mars eating and scamming the White Men of Mars while being not merely oblivious but actually incapable of understanding why John Carter has absolutely no sympathy for her given what the White Men of Mars do.

"Obviously" any similarity to policies and practices of the Democratic Party and other racist groups past or present is purely "coincidental".

Posted by: Sam at March 21, 2012 12:12 PM (6VSdJ)

193 My nine year old and I liked John Carter.

Every bit as good as Avatar (which really was just a high tech version of Dances with Wolves) and way, way better than Star Wars: the Phantom Menace which, except for 180 second of Darth Maul's light saber staff, was just painful to sit through.

Posted by: Doug at March 21, 2012 12:49 PM (Xv7f/)

194 I grew up reading ERB and have waited 40 years to see the movie. It is too bad that it hasn't done better, I was hoping for many sequels.

Posted by: Den1313 at March 22, 2012 07:44 AM (mITYk)

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