Ace of Spades HQ

November 18, 2012

Late Night B Movie, Bad Movie Thread
— CAC

This week's edition is sans a bacon recipe, as I was busy making beer pudding and finishing off my bacon whiskey from last week.

Today's B-Movie is New World Pictures' The Stuff. Fun fact: Arsenio Hall was actually supposed to star, but was turned down for being an unknown. Clearly the studio made the right pick with Garrett Morris, whose career was going to explode at any moment five years after leaving Saturday Night Live.

Today's bad movie: TerrorVision. Imagine the 1980s, BUZZFEEDified, but with even less lawl. Throw in Uncle Rico, a porn star serving up a homage Elvira's television talents, and Charles Band, and this is what you get. Try as it might, still not as good a film as Laserblast. (Bonus to anyone who gets that reference).

THE STUFF (should play additional portions automatically):

TERRORVISION (same as above)

Posted by: CAC at 08:09 PM | Comments (49)
Post contains 155 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Funnily enough, TerrorVision was recently announced for Blu-ray in February as a double feature with The Video Dead. My new favorite bad movie is "Terror in Beverly Hills" with Frank Stallone. Check out the trailer from YouTube and you can see why.

Posted by: Synnerman at November 18, 2012 08:15 PM (0Bdlg)

2 Oh, sorry, I was told there was an ONT around here.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at November 18, 2012 08:16 PM (pwyhn)

3 Ssssssss 2: The Sssssssening

Posted by: Dr. Varno at November 18, 2012 08:19 PM (VrOu8)

4 Elvira had huge...tracts of land.

Posted by: The Swamp King at November 18, 2012 08:21 PM (pwyhn)

5 The stuff is actually a pretty decent flick, good enough that i got it on dvd. Terror Vision had potential but ended up being one of those flicks where they tried to make it so bad it was good, never works if you actually try to do that, never go full retard as they say.

Posted by: booger at November 18, 2012 08:25 PM (HI6wa)

Three fourths of the stuff they put out now is worth watching. Remakes of old movies or a very similar plot of some other hit movie.. I've pretty well given up on them for making anything worth watchin.

Posted by: harleycowboy at November 18, 2012 08:27 PM (+9AX9)

I'm sure its been mentioned here before but the greatest B movie of all time is Orgy of the Dead

http://tinyurl.com/23od2s3

Posted by: the lone lemon at November 18, 2012 08:38 PM (xXhWA)

8 Worst movie ever: my best friend's wedding. Aside from Julia Roberts and the ghastly tropes it embellished/established, it kicks off with a music video about getting married. Ball-shriveling.

Posted by: Truman North, last of the famous international playboys at November 18, 2012 08:38 PM (I2LwF)

9 'Vampire Lesbians of Sodom'

Posted by: garrett at November 18, 2012 08:43 PM (I27d2)

10 'The Hills Have Eyes' is a classic.

Posted by: Craig Poe at November 18, 2012 08:46 PM (BVkEs)

11 Chained Heat deserves some B movie recognition, if only for its nuanced examination of Linda Blair's prodigious knockers.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at November 18, 2012 08:47 PM (pwyhn)

12 Malibu High was absolutely the worst movie I have ever seen.

Posted by: Acid Spunk at November 18, 2012 08:53 PM (gyvPV)

13 Sleestax live!

Posted by: Kevin at November 18, 2012 08:55 PM (ufexm)

14 They Live. Accept no substitutes.

Posted by: Chief Assclown John Roberts at November 18, 2012 08:57 PM (pkkxZ)

15 Need to watch both of these, Netflix has been recommending the Stuff for a While. For mindless 80's slasher fun, Slumber Party Massacre is a good watch. Not 5 star cinema but entertaining.

Posted by: Ed Wood VS Godzilla at November 18, 2012 09:02 PM (BsGo+)

16 The original Rollerball from 1975.

Posted by: Reed Rothchild at November 18, 2012 09:04 PM (Kflw4)

17 How could I forget Killer Clowns from Outer Space. Classic

Posted by: Ed Wood VS Godzilla at November 18, 2012 09:09 PM (BsGo+)

18 Surf Nazis Must Die

Posted by: eman at November 18, 2012 09:10 PM (AynOt)

19 Mr. Acid Spunk says "The Heathers".

Posted by: Acid Spunk at November 18, 2012 09:16 PM (gyvPV)

20 He also threw "Steel Magnolias" in there. His ex used to watch it to the point he wanted to take an ice pick to his head.

Posted by: Acid Spunk at November 18, 2012 09:23 PM (gyvPV)

21 **Stomp**

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at November 18, 2012 09:24 PM (Rhie+)

22 Greatest part in Terror Vision is the gay swinger coming on to the dad. I think it actually holds up pretty well as a monster movie and 80s period piece parody.

Posted by: Blackford Oakes at November 18, 2012 09:31 PM (nO18H)

23 The worst big-budget film ever made is The Long Goodbye, with Elliot Gould.

All of the dialog was improvised, as was most of the plot. Sounds interesting! Well, but everyone was high on acid the entire time, so nothing anybody says and nothing they do have any connection to anybody or anything else. Every single person is tripping out of their gourd, making no sense at all.

Nominally a mystery, it's more like a visit to the inside of a homeless mental patient's head. What must've sounded really hip to the high director and high producers comes across as nightmarishly tedious and depressing to people who aren't on acid.

Gould's standard response to everything is "Doesn't matter to me," and he's got an annoying smirk on his puss the entire time. What's he smiling about? Nothing. Everything. And he chain smokes filterless cigarettes and mumbles to himself when he isn't smirking and saying, "Doesn't matter to me."

A woman asks him if he wants a drink.

"Doesn't matter to me."

Wow! He's so cool! I wanna be just like him!

Sterling Hayden is in it. Old, drunk, improvising, and high on LSD. The scenes he has with Gould and Henry Gibson are toe curling in their rancidness, since everybody's too high to come up with anything logical, so they just exchange non sequiturs and blather incomprehensibly. It's supposed to be all oblique and intriguing, but the drugs impair the actors' and director's perceptions, so the end result is something that infuriates you and makes you feel like you're going out of your mind yourself.

It has Arnold Schwarzenegger in a non-speaking role as a gangster's goon. That scene is indescribable. For some reason the gangster makes everybody take off all their clothes. Why? No idea. Suddenly they're all in their bikini underwear, while Elliot Gould smirks, smokes, and says, "Doesn't matter to me."

This movie is a perfect encapsulation of what's gone wrong in our culture over the past forty years. Drugs, mediocrity masquerading as talent, pretentiousness, incoherence, undeserved celebrity, confusion, self-indulgence, and fear of being the only one who says, "You're all wrong. This is absolute garbage, and I don't care what you think of me for telling you."

It's a milestone in pure artistic worthlessness.

Posted by: Llarry at November 18, 2012 09:37 PM (jyUxu)

24 Laserblast was a horrible, horrible cheap b-movie that taught my friends and I that not everything out of hollywood was worth a buck fifty.

Posted by: Darth Randall at November 18, 2012 10:08 PM (lxc0s)

25 Lady Terminator (1989) - should have won an Oscar for most beyond ridiculously insane use of the M-16. No movie ever made can top the M-16 use in this one. I doubt the Vietnam War topped it. Adam (1974) - psychological thriller from Israel, real hard to find but take "M-16" from Lady Terminator and replace it with "telephone" and there you have it. Never seen such gratuitous use of the telephone - ever. It's got a horse sex scene, a close-up frog squish under a shoe, action, adventure, guns, bad guys. But really, the stars of this film are all the telephones that are used. Elves (1989) - horror movie with Dan Haggerty. Hell, anything with Dan Haggerty. Black Devil Doll From Hell (1984) - If Chucky were in a blaxploitation movie it would be this one. Warlords of Atlantis (197

Computer Beach Party (1987) Anything with Weng Weng in it. Google "Weng Weng" - he was from the Philippines (been dead for about 20 years), was less than 3 feet tall as an adult, made a James Bond-kinda movie, few other action thrillers that are incredibly bad good.

Posted by: Texas Ranger at November 18, 2012 10:10 PM (IvvrO)

26 Goddam smiley face after my Warlods of Atlantis. How about that.

Posted by: Texas Ranger at November 18, 2012 10:11 PM (IvvrO)

27 You folks watching the SCOAMF speak from Burma?

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at November 18, 2012 11:28 PM (piMMO)

28 _______________________________

Two sad words: CHRIS CHRISTIE.

That asshole has Jumped the Shark.

Now I can clearly and so easily see that "he" was but an Olympia Snow in reverse-drag trash talking anyone who couldn't get out of "his" way.

Seems fairly time to dump him.

Posted by: _Dave_ at November 18, 2012 11:57 PM (J+Q+d)

29 Dump, Dump , Dump ....I am beginning to think Ron Paul is the only sensible person in the snake pit...
Republican or Democrat , when you have a crook, liar and a idiot in office , whats the difference?

Posted by: Clemenza at November 19, 2012 01:33 AM (afx6B)

30 "Panic in the year Zero", a movie about current events

Posted by: Clemenza at November 19, 2012 01:38 AM (afx6B)

31 "Believers" A very low-budget movie with a great plot - even with some gaping holes, it still works. It's about a cult that worships math. Very cheezy, some of the worst acting in history but a very, very good movie, nonetheless. The idea of the story is excellent and it does illuminate some interesting truths. Very smart movie done on the cheap. Directed by Daniel Myrick of the Blair Witch (yeah ... I found that surprising, too).

Posted by: ThePrimordialOrderedPair at November 19, 2012 01:48 AM (X3lox)

32 30 Dump, Dump , Dump ....I am beginning to think Ron Paul is the only sensible person in the snake pit... Republican or Democrat , when you have a crook, liar and a idiot in office , whats the difference? Posted by: Clemenza at November 19, 2012 05:33 AM (afx6B) Hate to say it, but I agree with you. I was even coming around to his foreign policy stances. I support Israel, but the rest of the world can suck a dick. My loathing or Europe is only the slightest degree less than the entire ME.

Posted by: 98ZJUSMC Waiting for the Sun at November 19, 2012 01:52 AM (xU0B8)

33 30 Dump, Dump , Dump ....I am beginning to think Ron Paul is the only sensible person in the snake pit... Republican or Democrat , when you have a crook, liar and a idiot in office , whats the difference? Posted by: Clemenza at November 19, 2012 05:33 AM (afx6B) He's a loon....but at least you know what you've got.

Posted by: BignJames at November 19, 2012 02:31 AM (rlFQ+)

34 Worst movie ever made? The one where Tom Hanks narrates how Barry Obama grew up poor in Hawaii, struggled through private school, went to Occidental, Columbia and Harvard (on the house) and now is the only man who knows how it feels to have nothing, and humbly toils in anonymity to better the lives of his fellow travelers who may themselves be at the beginning of their "Rags to Relevance" journey. Of course, I never saw it. But let it marinate for a minute. People believe this horse shit. How are you going to educate people who buy this fucking Ronco Super Economy Chopper: Order now and receive a second term for FREE!!!! (just pay 17 trillion S&H) ? I agree with the prescient and wise Joe Biden: "Gird your fucking loins my friend."

Posted by: Opus An Arcus at November 19, 2012 02:33 AM (r8gb9)

35 Got sleep?

Posted by: West Virginia at November 19, 2012 02:44 AM (nw0Vt)

36
Terrorvision starred:

Diane Franklin
Mary Woronov
Randi Brooks

That alone makes it watchable.

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at November 19, 2012 02:48 AM (kdS6q)

37 @33 Europe IS the new ME...

Posted by: clemenza at November 19, 2012 02:56 AM (afx6B)

I watched Megaforce.

In the theatre in '82.

Cinematic history.

Posted by: Cluebat from Exodar at November 19, 2012 02:58 AM (Mv/2X)

39 29 _______________________________ Two sad words: CHRIS CHRISTIE. That asshole has Jumped the Shark. Posted by: _Dave_ at November 19, 2012 03:57 AM (J+Q+d) Dave, We in NJ actually had a CHOICE for the Repub gov. nominee A very conservative mayor, Steve Loneghan, ( Americans for Prosperity ) tried to run and the numb-nuts here west of NY went with rino Christie instead. Google " Adubato, " (pÃ¨re & fils) to understand just how Christie not only came to the governorship, but how he rolls. oh, and one of the suckiest B-Moives? The Sentinel with Chris Sarandon and Beverly D'Angelo ( them 2 names right there should tell you everything you need to know..)

Posted by: RondinellaMamma at November 19, 2012 02:59 AM (53riN)

40 Beverly D' ,Hey those melons were nice and her portrayal of Patsy Cline was awesome in Coal Miners Daughter..

Posted by: clemenza at November 19, 2012 03:07 AM (afx6B)

41
I watched Megaforce. In the theatre in '82. Cinematic history.

Posted by: Clueba

I seem to recall the 3D fake video sand-table Megaforce used for mission planning in the movie was actually pretty impressive for the budget. Looked like they built a physical model and outlined the edges in reflective tape.

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at November 19, 2012 03:15 AM (kdS6q)

42 Did D'Angelo get nekkid in it? If so, it couldn't have been been a total loss. That's her only talent, but it's a good one (at least from a male moron point of view).

Posted by: Chief Assclown John Roberts at November 19, 2012 03:18 AM (pkkxZ)

Corey Haim did a Die Hard ripoff called Demolition High back in the 1990's. Great stuff as Corey plays the unpopular new kid in town who single-handedly saves his town from nuclear destruction when a gang of (white) terrorists take over his high school. Alan Thicke plays his police chief father and actually lets off a few 4-letter words, while Dick Van Patten plays the hawkish military commander who has to sit back and watch a *cough* teenager take on a militia by himself.

It was so good that they made a sequel called Demolition University. I'm not kidding. Unfortunately, Corey shuffled off this mortal coil before shooting could begin on Demolition Grad School -- which I'm sure would have been at least as good as Laserblast.

Posted by: KGB at November 19, 2012 04:54 AM (PPcR4)

44 For true quality in B movies, I normally turn to the Russ Meyer genre. In that vein, I'd like to nominate Lana Wood (Natalie's bigger-hootered sister) in "Satan's Mistress." You may remember Lana from her brief yet memorable role in "Diamonds are Forever", playing Plenty (I didn't know there was a pool there) O'Toole.

Posted by: Wodeshed at November 19, 2012 05:04 AM (a9L+B)

45 This thread? Not as good as "Laserblast".

Posted by: moviegique at November 19, 2012 05:59 AM (kNN2d)

46 Some French movie called "Pink Telephone." Not one G-D telephone (pink or any color) in the whole G-D movie. I was at sea submerged, so "It doesn't matter to me."

Posted by: KellyFromMesquite at November 19, 2012 06:28 AM (FLFli)

47 Someone threw away a perfectly good arm remover.. For the Bonus ! Charlie Daniels Band became the Charles Band

Posted by: TexasJew at November 19, 2012 10:29 AM (cueQQ)

48 @ 48 But the important question is.... "Are You Ready For Some Football!?!"

Posted by: Ed Wood VS Godzilla at November 19, 2012 11:45 AM (BsGo+)

49 Laserblast gets three and a half stars (according to Leonard Maltin). No love on this thread for Buckaroo Banzai?

Posted by: demasque at November 20, 2012 01:34 AM (VusH8)

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