Ace of Spades HQ

July 04, 2012

Most Embarrassing Doctor Stories [OregonMuse]
— Open Blogger

This reddit thread is f'n hilarious. NSFW for some R-rated text.

Here's a small sample:

My husband gave me permission to post this: He went in for back surgery and in pre-op, they asked him if he was allergic to any medications. He said that he had an intolerance to keflex, an antibiotic, which caused him gastrointestinal issues. The surgeon said that they were going to try to use keflex anyway, since he didn't have a true allergy . With him having back surgery, he had to be on his stomach with his ass in the air. Apparently, in the midst of surgery, my husband shit all over himself and the surgical team. He woke up towards the end of the surgery to a horrid smell and the nurse saying, "Well we should have listened to you!"

TL;DR My hubby became a shit volcano in the OR.

Tons more just like it at the link.

Posted by: Open Blogger at 03:45 PM | Comments (161)
Post contains 163 words, total size 1 kb.

1 hello....anybody home?

Posted by: Palookaville Peasant at July 04, 2012 03:48 PM (szPD/)

2 Sounds like an episode of House M.D.

Posted by: andycanuck at July 04, 2012 03:48 PM (nrW1y)

3 Giant penia symxrome

Posted by: blogfworce one at July 04, 2012 03:49 PM (wJ75s)

4 Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure.

Posted by: steevy at July 04, 2012 03:49 PM (Xb3hu)

5 omg, that is some funny thread!

Posted by: Palookaville Peasant at July 04, 2012 03:52 PM (szPD/)

6 Lifeguard fired 4 leaving his designated post to assist a drowning man. He wasn't being paid 2 save *that* man's life.

http://fxn.ws/LPFuMN

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at July 04, 2012 03:54 PM (piMMO)

7 Barack Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure...

(can't be said enough)

Posted by: Bob's Country Bunker at July 04, 2012 03:55 PM (Bxm/r)

8 !

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 03:56 PM (BhXWJ)

9 Shit volcano??

Posted by: Vic at July 04, 2012 03:56 PM (YdQQY)

10 I think it's at Drudge: a group of kids attack a Brooklyn lifeguard.

Posted by: andycanuck at July 04, 2012 03:57 PM (nrW1y)

11 Oh goody, storytime!

Posted by: katya, the designated driver at July 04, 2012 03:59 PM (bMLFV)

12 I made the little fella jump

Hee hee

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at July 04, 2012 04:00 PM (piMMO)

13 ! Recovery Summer III!

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:05 PM (BhXWJ)

14 from chess thread to shit volcano.

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:06 PM (YY3YL)

15 ! Jobs!

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:07 PM (BhXWJ)

16 ! You can keep!

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:09 PM (BhXWJ)

17 urgh

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:09 PM (YY3YL)

18 I think it's at Drudge: a group of kids attack a Brooklyn lifeguard.

They also attacked a cop.

Fucking animals.

Posted by: Alex at July 04, 2012 04:11 PM (rjeWV)

19 hi alex how goes it

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:12 PM (YY3YL)

Seen one post-op incident were a suction container fell and spilled it's contents.

Problem was it was from a liver operation with patient having hepatitis.

Talk about freaking out.

Posted by: YIKES! at July 04, 2012 04:17 PM (1e9m1)

21 Heh. "Superman."

Posted by: BackwardsBoy at July 04, 2012 04:18 PM (d0Tfm)

22 ! Not a Tax!

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:19 PM (BhXWJ)

23 shit volcano to e4 -- checkmate I think.

Posted by: GnuBreed at July 04, 2012 04:19 PM (ccXZP)

Well, the Man was holding them down. And it was hot.

At the pool. There was a diving board involved. So it's really alright then.

Just high spirits.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes..... at July 04, 2012 04:19 PM (sJTmU)

25 It's a metaphor for Obamacare?

Posted by: Blue Falcon in Boston at July 04, 2012 04:20 PM (KCvsd)

26 !No More 32 oz Of anything!

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:24 PM (BhXWJ)

"Shit Volcano": When the suttering clusterfuck of a miserable failure opens his mouth.

Posted by: YIKES! at July 04, 2012 04:25 PM (1e9m1)

28 man I am bored. prob too late to get fireworks

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:27 PM (/ugld)

29 I think that knowing Obama paid shills to dress in lab coats for an Obama Tax presser shouldembarrass the Obama loving MSM ... but it won't.

Posted by: A cynical but rarely angry Adriane at July 04, 2012 04:28 PM (qmMAj)

30 Whats this racist shit on my television. a Capitol Fourth.

Posted by: Sonnyspats at July 04, 2012 04:28 PM (Qr9Rc)

31 actually I am procrastinating as usual.

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:28 PM (/ugld)

32 My wife and I have been dealing with infertility, so I've had to give a number of samples. Went to see a different specialist in California (we were living in New Mexico at the time) and the nurse gives me the specimen cup and says you'll want the middle drawer. It contained standard porn magazines and DVDs with male and female symbols written on in marker. Being curious, I looked in the top drawer and found magazines of naked men and DVDs with two male symbols in marker. Definitely used the middle drawer. Chalked it up to one more thing that makes California weird. PS We were going to start IVF in May, but thankfully my wife had a positive pregnancy test before starting the regiment. She's 15 weeks along.

Posted by: BishopWash at July 04, 2012 04:28 PM (hqKrm)

33 chemjeff loves longbows ...

Posted by: I got yer fireworks right here ... at July 04, 2012 04:29 PM (qmMAj)

34 How long has it been since we've had a good fart thread around here?

Posted by: Cicero at July 04, 2012 04:29 PM (6j180)

35 !At some point, I Think You have made enough money!

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:31 PM (BhXWJ)

36 BishopWash congratulations although it is a little weird to be congratulating a bishop on this

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:31 PM (/ugld)

37 I had some horrible dental issues as a side effect of my endocrine system going oh fuck you when I was 12 or so. I'm talking being used as a worst case scenario for a dental school bad. I also react badly to anaesthesia so when it came time to have my wisdom teeth removed my oral surgeon agreed to just shoot me up with all the novocaine. I brought the ipod and cranked it up so as not to hear all of the horrible ripping noises and it's all good. In the middle of it they had to have me move because the surgeon needed a better angle. He ends up more or less kneeling on my chest and I'm staring right at the dental student who is watching this with wide eyed horror. Surgeon yanks the tooth out and the dental student passed out. Right on top of me. That was awesome.

Posted by: alexthechick at July 04, 2012 04:31 PM (O1FFx)

38 Is this the Big Hoson thread?

Posted by: Stephen Hawking at July 04, 2012 04:31 PM (6j180)

39 35 Excellent news for you both! Congrats!

Posted by: wierd flunky at July 04, 2012 04:31 PM (tlhtD)

40 fuckin longbows crossbows is where it's at

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:32 PM (/ugld)

41 Shit volcano , heh , sounds like Jim Lahey .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 04, 2012 04:33 PM (Gw2RW)

42 Posted by: alexthechick at July 04, 2012 08:31 PM (O1FFx)

Teeth? You have a medical story about your teeth?

*sigh*

Posted by: Cicero at July 04, 2012 04:33 PM (6j180)

43 alexthechick in alextopia that shit will be banned right?

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:34 PM (/ugld)

44 Thanks. If it makes you feel any better chemjeff, I take the bishop moniker from an X-Men character, not for religious reasons.

Posted by: BishopWash at July 04, 2012 04:34 PM (hqKrm)

45 we have bishops in the Episcopal Church that are married so its ok to be congratulating him on impending fatherhood.

& it appears that we could have bishops in the Episcopal Church marrying men to men & women to women. whoopee!

Posted by: kelley in virginia at July 04, 2012 04:34 PM (p3a8+)

46 37 >> How long has it been since we've had a good fart thread around here?

I fought the Boyle's law, and the law won.

Posted by: GnuBreed at July 04, 2012 04:35 PM (ccXZP)

47 may I suggest : in alextopia nitrous will be mandatory for all dental procedures

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:35 PM (/ugld)

48 cherish these doctor stories for it won't be long into the Obamatax years that we never see one again.

Posted by: kelley in virginia at July 04, 2012 04:36 PM (p3a8+)

49 Chemjeff it will be all the banned. Oh I have a few teeth stories like after one of the many many surgeries I was in the recovery room and they asked if I could walk and I replied walk I can fly! The nurse made me lie back down.

Posted by: alexthechick at July 04, 2012 04:37 PM (O1FFx)

50 !Let me be clear!

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:38 PM (BhXWJ)

51 40 I had some horrible dental issues as a side effect Posted by: alexthechick at July 04, 2012 08:31 PM (O1FFx) I so sympathize with that. My fillings have fillings. I have two major conditions that weaken the teeth, and drugs I take for another do also. I lose 2-3 fillings a year minimum, they just fall out. I had emergency dental surgery on my birthday because a molar cracked in half. When my wisdom teeth were extracted, the dentist also ended up with his knee on my chest and used a hammer and chisel. My mouth has never been able to open as wide since that day as before. If I were hugely rich, I'd replace them all with titanium implants. Maybe the whole jaw. On second thought, android body.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 04:38 PM (bxiXv)

52 okay I thought bishops were only Catholic, good to know

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 04:39 PM (/ugld)

53 55 okay I thought bishops were only Catholic, good to know Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 08:39 PM (/ugld) Church of England and Episcopalians. CofE is Catholic Lite, Episcopalians are CofE Lite. (Episcopalians would not agree with that, of course).

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 04:43 PM (bxiXv)

54 I agree about the android body I am not down with this human meat sac crap

Posted by: alexthechick at July 04, 2012 04:44 PM (O1FFx)

55 !Anyone making less than Two Hundred and Fifty THOUSAND Dollars will be exempt under my plan!

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:44 PM (BhXWJ)

56 #40, I had my wisdom teeth and some deformed molars extracted while conscious and local anesthesia only too. That had to be one of the most 'unpleasant' experiences of my life. Kept the teeth and had a few made into cufflinks. Morbid, but it is effective in scaring the shit out of people at important business meetings.

Posted by: Blue Falcon in Boston at July 04, 2012 04:46 PM (KCvsd)

57 The Bishop was flogging the bishop!

Posted by: Chi-Town Jerry at July 04, 2012 04:46 PM (UTq/I)

58 GIGANTIC HORROR VOLCANO!!!

Posted by: NC Ref at July 04, 2012 04:50 PM (/izg2)

59 Erm.... Uhgfdsa....Under MY Leadership. ENERGY PRICES WILL HAVE TO INCREASE. NESSESARILLY.

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:51 PM (BhXWJ)

60 57 I agree about the android body I am not down with this human meat sac crap Posted by: alexthechick at July 04, 2012 08:44 PM (O1FFx) Seriously. Shit just *stops working* randomly. We need a recall on this model.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 04:53 PM (bxiXv)

i wON.

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 04:53 PM (BhXWJ)

62 #40 Thanks Alex, am going in for mouth surgery tomorrow am. Going to get a graft from roof of mouth to some receding gums. Did this thirty years ago to some other spots on my gums and couldn't eat for two weeks. Oral Surgeon tells me techniques are better now. We will see.....

Posted by: San Antonio Rose at July 04, 2012 04:53 PM (hcUOM)

63 Dear Playboy: You'll never guess what I contracted and how...

Posted by: AmishDude at July 04, 2012 04:54 PM (J5tI6)

64 prob too late to get fireworks

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at July 04, 2012 08:27 PM (/ugld)

You can't just whip some up in your basement lab?

Posted by: NC Ref at July 04, 2012 04:54 PM (/izg2)

65 Ugh, glad I was born without wisdom teeth.

Ton of stories like this at fmylife.com

Posted by: epobirs at July 04, 2012 04:55 PM (kcfmt)

66 FrankJ, of @IMAO_ fame, brings the funneh:

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both famously died on the same day, July 4th, 1826, exactly 50 years to the day from the signing of the Declaration of Independence. John Adams famous last words were, Â“Thomas Jefferson still survives,Â” though, ironically, word had not reached him that Jefferson had indeed passed a mere 5 hours earlier at Monticello after muttering, mysteriously, Â“Wrong again, John.Â”

Posted by: Retread at July 04, 2012 04:55 PM (I2fq9)

67 I've seen shit that would turn you white.

Posted by: Fusilli Jerry in Ghostbusters at July 04, 2012 04:56 PM (5H6zj)

68 My mighty German Shepherd (MGS) is scared shitless of fireworks and thunder. Expect her to be under the bed all night tonight, will the dumb asses around here try to start wildfires with their fireworks.

Posted by: San Antonio Rose at July 04, 2012 04:56 PM (hcUOM)

69 Going to get a graft from roof of mouth to some receding gums. Posted by: San Antonio Rose at July 04, 2012 08:53 PM (hcUOM) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (runsincircles runsincircles runsincircles) I would rather have a tarantula fall on my face in my sleep. Which is kind of a cheat, because I'm good with spiders. But kind of because who wants that to land on your face in your sleep?

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 04:56 PM (bxiXv)

70 #63

We warned you it was an early Beta when you signed up. It was in big letters on the waiver.

Some of you thetans are such whiners.

Posted by: epobirs at July 04, 2012 04:57 PM (kcfmt)

71 Yeah I've done the roof grafts for gums. Protip hot drinks aren't your friend for a few weeks. Learned that the hard way.

Posted by: alexthechick at July 04, 2012 04:57 PM (O1FFx)

72 First lower GI hubby had he asked the doctor if he found any Gerbils up there.

Posted by: San Antonio Rose at July 04, 2012 04:58 PM (hcUOM)

73 #65, some places use donor tissue to do that instead of removing and grafting tissue from the roof your mouth now.

Posted by: Blue Falcon in Boston at July 04, 2012 05:00 PM (KCvsd)

74 Back when I was a young boy, in Indonesia, I got to play doctor with a young tranny. It was fun until I found out she was pre-op. Found a vagina, ewwww, yucky!

Posted by: Barack Obama at July 04, 2012 05:00 PM (/izg2)

75 We warned you it was an early Beta when you signed up. It was in big letters on the waiver. Some of you thetans are such whiners. Posted by: epobirs at July 04, 2012 08:57 PM (kcfmt) Show me a signature, CS flunkie! Also, I'm not a thetan. I'm a Do'chaneh hybrid.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 05:02 PM (bxiXv)

76 My funny medical story goes something like ----spinal tap (NOT the band, alas)->GIGANTIC HORROR NEEDLE stuck in base of spine->Dr. saying "oops"->me wondering if I will ever walk again->Nurse holding my hands down and saying "this will hurt a bit, we need to wiggle the needle"->yeah, it hurt A LOT.

And all for naught, since they only did the spinal tap because they thought I had meningitis but no, just an epic sinus infection. I did end up getting to see my own skull x-rays that evening, so it wasn't a total wash.

Posted by: Sabrina Chase at July 04, 2012 05:05 PM (wfSF5)

When all is one and one is all....

to be a Rock and not to roll...

uhhhhm.

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 05:05 PM (BhXWJ)

78 Twilight Zone with Shatner on the airplane is on SyFy now

That's what he gets for naming his own price

Posted by: kbdabear at July 04, 2012 05:07 PM (Y+DPZ)

79 Nowadays, the gremlin Shatner saw would have been one of the TSA gropers

Posted by: kbdabear at July 04, 2012 05:08 PM (Y+DPZ)

... and, if anyone is thinking about tossing a Ring in me ... there will be repercussions and ramifications ... you/ve been warned.

Posted by: Mt Poon, in the Land of Fordor at July 04, 2012 05:09 PM (JN1ni)

81 I just watched "12 Monkeys" on Netflix. It's no shit volcano, but it's pretty good.

Posted by: Scobface at July 04, 2012 05:10 PM (IoNBC)

82 The is my favorite Twilight Zone!!! I love me some Shatner. God, just watching him get his shirt torn off....

Posted by: San Antonio Rose at July 04, 2012 05:10 PM (hcUOM)

83 I remember friends once telling me that when their daughter was 3 or so, she climbed up and stood on a plastic lawn chair, which tipped over and sent her sprawling. Unfortunately, she landed awkwardly, and those plastic chairs can have rather sharp edges; she ended up cutting herself right in her female parts. Basically the poor kid managed to give herself an epesiotomy. Her parents were trying to soothe the bawling child while staunching the copious blood flow with towels. Meanwhile, they were thinking desperately of how this was going to look at the Emergency, and how they were going to convince the medical staff at the hospital that it wasn't necessary to call the police on a case of child abuse.

Posted by: Dr. Mabuse at July 04, 2012 05:11 PM (KOHFD)

But kind of because who wants that to land on your face in your sleep?

Depends what 'that' we're talking about, fella.

Posted by: Anderson Cooper at July 04, 2012 05:13 PM (ut3u1)

85 Million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.

Posted by: Frank Costanza at July 04, 2012 05:14 PM (ut3u1)

86 @87.. holy crap! I thought my story about my son burning his hands on the oven was hard to explain.

Posted by: jewells45 at July 04, 2012 05:16 PM (UljOc)

87 I Will Destroy the coal industry if given a chance.

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 05:17 PM (BhXWJ)

88 >>Being curious, I looked in the top drawer and found magazines of naked men

Did anyone else laugh at this, in a troll-like fashion?

>>Seriously. Shit just *stops working* randomly.

Did you reboot it? Could be a license issue. O_O

Posted by: HeatherRadish has a crush on Nicholas Herkimer at July 04, 2012 05:18 PM (hO8IJ)

89 Shatner is in a couple of really good TZ (he is in at least one other as well I think).Nightmare at 20,000 Feet(a Richard Matheson story as were many TZ episodes) and A Penny For Your Thoughts.

Posted by: steevy at July 04, 2012 05:19 PM (Xb3hu)

90 I don't understand, I thought no one had healthcare until Obama brought it down from the mountain and blessed us all with it? I'm calling bullshit on these stories until you're all proven to be enlightened, cultured, intelligent and sophisticated Europeans.

Posted by: Bob at July 04, 2012 05:20 PM (HWUv9)

91 http://mousebreath.com/2011/10/11/tiger-tuesday/ Subtitled, "a chimpanzee nursed my kitten."

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 05:22 PM (bxiXv)

92 I will Destroy.

Posted by: shit volcano at July 04, 2012 05:23 PM (BhXWJ)

93 Did you reboot it? Could be a license issue. O_O Posted by: HeatherRadish has a crush on Nicholas Herkimer at July 04, 2012 09:18 PM (hO8IJ) The dongle's still connected. I checked. I also crash almost every day. I need an upgrade.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 05:24 PM (bxiXv)

94 This has potential to become an infamous thread... just saying

Posted by: Blue Falcon in Boston at July 04, 2012 05:25 PM (KCvsd)

95 Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 09:22 PM (bxiXv) After that picture was taken the monkey jerked that tiger around by its tail for half an hour before flinging shit at it.

Posted by: Bob at July 04, 2012 05:25 PM (HWUv9)

96 The number of people who still think "obamacare" equals "free healthcare" is just depressing. Either we're overrun with pathological liars, or we're overrun with drooling idiots. Yes, I know, not mutually exclusive.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 05:25 PM (bxiXv)

97 Racist MSNBC twat strikes again. HARRIS-PERRY: But Independence Day is more aspirational than actual. We have longed defined the American Dream with commodities, a home of ones own, better education for the kids, family vacation and a car to the vacation in. And if we measure the dream by acquisitions, we`re trouble. National unemployment remains above 8 percent. Wages have dropped, and the median net worth of American families plummeted by almost 40 percent. Financial security is important, but it`s only an outward manifestation of the American Dream. Freedom itself is both more elusive and more complicated. Our founding is not an acquisition and merger story of young entrepreneurs looking to maximize profit Â— or at least not solely that. I mean, our founding is an unlikely narrative of young men, so inspired by an age of ideas that they threw off the yoke of colonialism and founded a free nation Â— men who were embarrassingly imperfect. The land on which they formed this Union was stolen. The hands with which they built this nation were enslaved. The women who birthed the citizens of the nation are second class. But all of this is our story. Each of us benefits from the residuals of oppression and each of success harmed by the realities of inequality. This is the imperfect fabric of our nation, at times we`ve torn and stained it, and at other moments, we mend and repair it. But itÂ’s ours, all of it. The imperialism, the genocide, the slavery, also the liberation and the hope and the deeply American belief that our best days still lie ahead of us.

Posted by: steevy at July 04, 2012 05:25 PM (Xb3hu)

98 Bang! Bang! Bang!

Priceline Negotiator !!!

Posted by: William Shatner at July 04, 2012 05:26 PM (Y+DPZ)

99 Ugh, glad I was born without wisdom teeth.

Same here. No tonsils either. Apparently I'm Human v2.0

Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 05:26 PM (6u8/+)

100 The dongle's still connected. I checked. Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 09:24 PM (bxiXv) Jesus, bro, there's ladies present. TMfuckin'I!

Posted by: Bob at July 04, 2012 05:26 PM (HWUv9)

101 After that picture was taken the monkey jerked that tiger around by its tail for half an hour before flinging shit at it. Posted by: Bob at July 04, 2012 09:25 PM (HWUv9) Take a tiger by the tail, know what shredded cheese feels like.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 05:27 PM (bxiXv)

102 105 Ugh, glad I was born without wisdom teeth.

Same here. No tonsils either. Apparently I'm Human v2.0
Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 09:26 PM

And I don't have a brain!

Posted by: Scarecrow Joe Biden at July 04, 2012 05:29 PM (Y+DPZ)

103 Jesus, bro, there's ladies present. TMfuckin'I! Posted by: Bob at July 04, 2012 09:26 PM (HWUv9) I think they already know about penises, Bob.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 05:29 PM (bxiXv)

104 Posted by: steevy at July 04, 2012 09:25 PM (Xb3hu) America's most pressing issue now is the fact that we let the people at MSNBC and its viewers breed.

Posted by: Bob at July 04, 2012 05:29 PM (HWUv9)

105 If I only had a brain!

Posted by: Scarecrow Joe Biden at July 04, 2012 05:30 PM (Y+DPZ)

106 These miserable ingrates need to be deported. Plain and simple. Posted by: Soap MacTavish at July 04, 2012 09:28 PM (vbh31) Create that power, and immediately they'd use it against us. If power and control were the answer, it would have worked by now.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 05:30 PM (bxiXv)

107 I think they already know about penises, Bob. Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 09:29 PM (bxiXv) *Scandalized*

Posted by: Bob at July 04, 2012 05:30 PM (HWUv9)

108 112 If I only had a brain!
Posted by: Scarecrow Joe Biden at July 04, 2012 09:30 PM

A heart!

Posted by: Tin Man Holder at July 04, 2012 05:31 PM (Y+DPZ)

109 If I only had a brain!

Posted by: Scarecrow Joe Biden at July 04, 2012 09:30 PM

A heart!

Posted by: Tin Man Holder at July 04, 2012 09:31 PM

A home!

Posted by: Dennis Kucinich at July 04, 2012 05:32 PM (Y+DPZ)

110 "The land on which they formed this Union was stolen. The hands with which they built this nation were enslaved. The women who birthed the citizens of the nation are second class...

But itÂ’s ours, all of it. The imperialism, the genocide, the slavery, also the liberation and the hope and the deeply American belief that our best days still lie ahead of us."

Nice try, missy. Our side = "Tear down that wall!". Your side = 20,000,000 dead in the 20th century in pursuit of "equality". That little screed should be entered into evidence as further proof that the proglodytes do not appreciate this country as it is, and only approve of its existence as a vehicle to create their utopia. *Spit*

Posted by: StPatrick_TN at July 04, 2012 05:32 PM (lJJMb)

111 116 If I only had a brain!

Posted by: Scarecrow Joe Biden at July 04, 2012 09:30 PM

A heart!

Posted by: Tin Man Holder at July 04, 2012 09:31 PM

A home!

Posted by: Dennis Kucinich at July 04, 2012 09:32 PM

The Nerve!

Posted by: John Roberts, the Cowardly Lion at July 04, 2012 05:33 PM (Y+DPZ)

112 Vasectomy, and a doctor who acts huffy when you tell him you aren't sufficiently anesthetized.

Yeah, argue about it with me, Skippy.

Posted by: nickless at July 04, 2012 05:35 PM (MMC8r)

113 Burgess Meredith in the post nuclear apocalypse on now

And I have TIME now to watch it! Time enough at LAST!

Posted by: kbdabear at July 04, 2012 05:35 PM (Y+DPZ)

114 On topic, I can't say I have any funny doctor stories. But I had my tonsils taken out when I was 12 years old. Election day, 1992. They lied. There was no icream. There was no gaw'damned ice cream.

Posted by: Bob at July 04, 2012 05:36 PM (HWUv9)

115 Every nation on earth today has sordid episodes in its history. The US is hardly special in that regard.

The argument that bad shit happened in the past therefore the present sucks is weak, because there's not a single black person alive today who was ever a slave in the US, and every woman alive today, save those over 92yo, were ever denied the right to vote.

The whole civil rights thing in the 60's wasn't a constitutional issue per se, rather one of local (non)enforcement in the DEMOCRAT south that was failing to uphold the constitution.

Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 05:36 PM (6u8/+)

116 #117, that little historical crack seems to ignore centuries of wars and domination by European nations and similar behavior by every other civilization throughout the globe. Great civilizations have always imposed their will on others, for good or ill. The idiots that turn the other cheek and coveted plowshares over maintaining enough swords to defend themselves, usually became slaves to those with lots of swords and a will to use them.

Posted by: Blue Falcon in Boston at July 04, 2012 05:36 PM (KCvsd)

117 Your side = 20,000,000 dead in the 20th century in pursuit of "equality". Posted by: StPatrick_TN at July 04, 2012 09:32 PM (lJJMb) Over 100 million. Easily. Some argue China alone are over 100 million. And no matter how bloody, how destructive, how many billion tears, they try, try again. Over the bodies of the innocent.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 05:36 PM (bxiXv)

118 Weeks after announcing a ban on soft drinks greater than 16 oz, Bloomberg officiates Nathan's hotdog-eating contest. Winner consumes 21k calories in one sitting.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at July 04, 2012 05:37 PM (piMMO)

119 Your side = 20,000,000 dead in the 20th century in pursuit of "equality".

"Mass graves don't discriminate comrades." - Shit Joe Stalin Said Vol 1, p356

Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 05:38 PM (6u8/+)

120 >>and every woman alive today, save those over 92yo, were ever denied the right to vote.

....and those women would have been denied anyway, for being under 21.

Posted by: HeatherRadish has a crush on Nicholas Herkimer at July 04, 2012 05:38 PM (hO8IJ)

121 Winner consumes 21k calories in one sitting.

Yea, but the washed it down with a DIET soda.

Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 05:40 PM (6u8/+)

122 No funny doctoring stories, but recently when Mr Y-not was at the doctor office we discussed having his testosterone levels checked (I gather that low testosterone can lead to depressed energy). Anyway, I can tell you I evoked quite an amusing look of horror out of my husband when I asked the doctor what gauge needle he would be jabbing into his testicles to check his hormone level.

Posted by: Y-not at July 04, 2012 05:40 PM (5H6zj)

123 >>The hands with which they built this nation were enslaved.

Only a small percentage of the hands which "built this nation" were slaves--and they were doing more agricultural work than building, anyway. For the heavy, dangerous work--bridges, canals, etc--you hired European immigrants, especially Irish. If they were killed, meh, hire more. If your slave was killed, you were out money.

Posted by: HeatherRadish has a crush on Nicholas Herkimer at July 04, 2012 05:41 PM (hO8IJ)

124 Things I learned today - there's a Major League Eating organization.

Posted by: Waterhouse at July 04, 2012 05:42 PM (dWrEc)

125 I hear celebrities or news idiots claiming that they have an obligation to tell us the "truth" about ourselves and the truth is always that America sucks

I wonder if they tell the truth that the movies they make, the tv shows they produce, and the news stories they crank out totally suck.

"CNN: We Suck But We're Still Here!"

Posted by: kbdabear at July 04, 2012 05:43 PM (Y+DPZ)

126 Celebrities and Athletes hire publicists to lie creatively about their clients. Yup, we need them to tell us the "truth"

Why I Lie: An AthleteÂ’s PR Guy Comes Clean

http://tinyurl.com/6pvxz3r

Posted by: kbdabear at July 04, 2012 05:47 PM (Y+DPZ)

127 Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 09:36 PM (bxiXv)

Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 09:38 PM (6u8/+)

The numbers aren't really important, in that they're so large that they're impossible to comprehend for a normal person. How on Earth do the individualists get their message out in a compelling enough way that we prevent the collectivists from further mass murder? We have objective evidence regarding what happens in collectivist states (and tribal or monarchist / theocratic states as well, though the results then depend on the head of any said state). "America - we won't kill you if you disagree!" is not going to move the needle.

The collectivists always have an enemies list.

Posted by: StPatrick_TN at July 04, 2012 05:50 PM (lJJMb)

128 you hired European immigrants...

My Sicilian born grandfather was a bricklayer.

Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 05:51 PM (6u8/+)

129 135 comments and I haven't laughed yet. Ah well. I kinda figured this would be a shitty thread from the get go.

Posted by: teej at July 04, 2012 05:51 PM (Vdd8W)

130 ...I wonder if they tell the truth that the movies they make, the tv shows they produce, and the news stories they crank out totally suck...

Hollywood and the networks weren't always fucking in the head. The Victory at Sea series of documentaries was quite good...but it was produced about 60 years ago.

Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 05:53 PM (6u8/+)

131 Just an observation...there's over a dozen various aquatic birds in my backyard right now...they're NOT freaking out at all. In fact, they're all lined up along the lake watching the neighborhood fireworks.

Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 05:55 PM (6u8/+)

132 Maybe aquatic birds are smarter than human politicians? I'm just saying...

Posted by: Purp (@PurpAv) at July 04, 2012 05:57 PM (6u8/+)

133 Speaking of politicians, the Park City, UT, parade was pleasantly devoid of pols.

Posted by: Y-not at July 04, 2012 06:00 PM (5H6zj)

134 Oh how I love the bond flicks. This one, Halle Berry and Rosamund Pike. Taaaasssty.

Posted by: teej at July 04, 2012 06:01 PM (Xfofp)

135 heh @CharlieDaniels Congress is a stagnant cesspool and needs to be cleaned out. If guts were dynamite there wouldn't be enough to blow the lid off a jar.

Posted by: Y-not at July 04, 2012 06:04 PM (5H6zj)

136 ONT up!

Posted by: Y-not at July 04, 2012 06:05 PM (5H6zj)

137 Last year first year medical students were 58% female. Boys, in the years to come, we're going to have to get used to being poked and prodded by women.

Posted by: Ombudsman at July 04, 2012 06:06 PM (AxHOT)

138 glad I was born without wisdom teeth.

Had all 4 out as a teen, overnight surgery. Refused bedpan, walked into can. nodded off on throne. One of Mom's favorite stories.

Posted by: DaveA at July 04, 2012 06:08 PM (864A5)

139 PS We were going to start IVF in May, but thankfully my wife had a positive pregnancy test before starting the regiment. She's 15 weeks along.

Posted by: BishopWash at July 04, 2012 08:28 PM (hqKrm)

Praise God! More little conservatives.

I've have three surgeries. Nothing major; two were elective.

I'm slightly claustrophobic. After the second surgery, the nurses were patting my face to wake me up. I came to a little bit but I couldn't open my eyes. All I could feel was something over my face and I started swinging. The nurses grabbed my arms but made the mistake of letting me go too soon. As soon as they did that, I started fighting them again. They grabbed me and said my name. I forced myself to open my eyes and I was okay after that.

The thing on my face? An oxygen mask. Before my third surgery, I warned them to use a nasal cannula rather than an oxygen mask.

Posted by: baldilocks at July 04, 2012 06:09 PM (6kWFm)

140 The stolen land business is bullshit as well.

Disease had wiped out over 90% of the population of North America before any Europeans set foot more than a few miles inward of the east coast. The Europeans brought the diseases with them but entirely by accident and they got to take some American bugs home with them to annoy folks who never left Europe. As the explorers began to chart the deep interior of the continent, the people they met were the scant grandchildren of those struck by the pox. They had no idea that a thing earlier generations had brought here had long preceded them in reaching across the land.

Those indigenous Americans had 20,000 years to come up with a civilization that could deal with plagues. They had no end of resources to exploit but weren't up to the challenge outsiders came exploring, an inevitable occurrence. If the Europeans came a century later it would have been the same story. There is nothing to suggest a sudden burst of inventiveness was on the cusp of breaking out in the Americas.

Really, the only hope was for European inventiveness to move faster than its urge to exploration. If the first Europeans to come to the New World had known about how to contain and prevent small pox outbreaks, history would be very different. But as it is, the European explorers can hardly be blamed for spreading a virus when the threat was scarcely understood by anyone on the planet at that time.

Posted by: epobirs at July 04, 2012 06:10 PM (kcfmt)

141 Correction: I've had four surgeries. The one I forgot was a major one, but...

Posted by: baldilocks at July 04, 2012 06:12 PM (6kWFm)

142

O/T, but I going to give a shout out to NDH and Teresa (I think) on the movie/musical "1776." I really enjoyed it. Never heard of it before today/last night.

Posted by: Mark at July 04, 2012 06:21 PM (fEXaF)

143
When my wisdom teeth were extracted, the dentist also ended up with his knee on my chest and used a hammer and chisel. My mouth has never been able to open as wide since that day as before.

Posted by: Merovign, Dark Lord of the Sith at July 04, 2012 08:38 PM (bxiXv)

One of my elective surgeries: extraction of the wisdom teeth. When one in active duty military, they bug you to death about getting the wisdom teeth taken out because one of the disqualifiers for deployment is a dental issue. Though mine never bothered me, I went ahead and got them taken out when I was in my twenties.

When the nurses woke me up after the surgery, I was lying flat, still bleeding and the lip-spreader was still inserted in my mouth. Being still slightly sedated, I panicked, simply because liquid--my blood--was going down my throat and I felt as though I were drowning. I tried to sit up but couldn't. I couldn't even open my eyes, but I could hear that there were at least two people in the room. I tried to say something, but, since the lip spreader was in, nothing was heard but my grunts and gags.

Instead of taking the lip-spreader out, one idiot put her ear to my lips and said "what?" My grunting got louder, which, fortunately for me, forced the blood out of my throat. Finally, a more intelligent soul in the room removed the lip-spreader. I remember saying, "You stupid bitch! Sit me up so I don't drown in my own fucking blood!" They sat me up.

Posted by: baldilocks at July 04, 2012 06:23 PM (6kWFm)

144 Let's just say that sedation brings out my true self.

Posted by: baldilocks at July 04, 2012 06:24 PM (6kWFm)

145 I've had few serious medical events in my life, so few stories.

About 41 years ago, just a few weeks from my 7th birthday my appendix threw a rod and had to come out. This was rather sudden compared to most cases. I went from the first pain to the OR in less than eight hours. I spent much of the day lying on the floor of my aunt's bathroom because they thought I was severely constipated or some other digestive ailment, as I was reporting the pain as central rather than in the lower right. (This is normal but most people don't have diagnostic training for this sort of thing.) So it was suppositories and hanging out by the toilet hoping to unleash something awful.

My uncle, a cardiologist, comes home, looks at me for five minutes, tells my mother she has a choice of three surgeons he knows will be available, and that she needs to pick one ASAP. They take me over to the hospital, the old Cedars of Lebanon, where I'd been born. (My mother went into labor while visiting the same aunt and uncle at an anniversary get together but at a different house.)

Back then, the only syringes I knew about were those used for kid stuff like vaccinations. The only thing larger was one used by a neighbor with medic training on my older sister's horse. While I'm lying on a gurney outside the ER, I see a nurse preparing a needle that looked suitable for vaccinating Godzilla. It must have been a cardiac or other type that has to go deep after penetrating harder tissue but I had no concept back then.

"Is that for me?" I asked, then passed out. I remember nothing more until waking up after the operation about two days later.

Posted by: epobirs at July 04, 2012 06:32 PM (kcfmt)

146 49 37 >> How long has it been since we've had a good fart thread around here?

I fought the Boyle's law, and the law won.

&&&&

Had a friend in high school who used to keep track of what Boyle's Law was, as opposed to Charles' Law, by thinking of a classmate named Kathy Boyle, whose tits he wanted to apply pressure to.

Posted by: Jim Sonweed at July 04, 2012 06:32 PM (pJbuO)

147 68 Ugh, glad I was born without wisdom teeth.

****

Curiously, all posters here at AceofSpadesHQ lack wisdom teeth....

Posted by: Jim Sonweed at July 04, 2012 06:36 PM (pJbuO)

148 Old draft physical joke:

Doctor: "OK, son, what side's your heart on?"

Inductee: "You can't fool me... I ain't got no hard-on."

^{_baddabish...}

Posted by: Jim Sonweed at July 04, 2012 06:38 PM (pJbuO)

149 138 135 comments and I haven't laughed yet. Ah well. I kinda figured this would be a shitty thread from the get go. Posted by: teej

Hey, Mr. Laff Riot: why don't YOU bring on Teh Funny, instead of being a frickin' comedy leech???

Takers, keep on takin'....

Posted by: Jim Sonweed at July 04, 2012 06:47 PM (pJbuO)

150 My lower wisdom teeth had to be cut out, so I went to an oral surgeon and the procedure went fine. A few months later I was shooting pool with a friend and it felt like there was something stuck in my teeth at the back of my mouth. After some poking and prodding, I worked loose a rather large sliver of bone from my jaw behind my molar, next to where a tooth was. It didn't hurt, but it kinda freaked me out. The possibility for a massive infection was definitely there.

Posted by: model_1066 at July 04, 2012 07:34 PM (PWwbk)

151 The reddit thread is funny. I needed a laugh.

Posted by: poljunkie at July 04, 2012 07:54 PM (XuiJf)

152 I had a bitch of a toothache. Stupidly I took an Oxycontin on an empty stomach. By the time I got worked into the dentist's schedule (something that, after 2014 will Never happen again), I was sicker'n hell. Long story short, I puked ALL over the dentist office. By the time they put me in a chair, I was empty, and felt OK. (Oddly, my socks were missing however.) Anyway, every time I so much as moved, the poor dental assistant would dive for cover.

Posted by: Alaskan Warthog at July 04, 2012 08:26 PM (Mv07e)

153 I don't know whether is was embarassing so much as surprising. Went into medical plan physical and it was an old GF, who I had given rather intense physicals to. She reciprocated. Smiling I might add. And I was married.

Posted by: pat at July 04, 2012 10:03 PM (UFxap)

154 Sorta reminds me of what RINOs did to the GOP.

Posted by: Born Free at July 04, 2012 11:33 PM (Z+ZGh)

155

Mom was in the nursing home, bad heart, diabetes, a couple of other things each trying to take her out. Not possible with an all american half sicilian half german. Too sneaky and too stuborn, but I digress.

Dad was having a little trouble at the time and had to go the use the facilities. By and by (that's how all the one tooth farmers in S. Michigan refer to "too much time has passed") a nurse came in and said that the old man was having some trouble and asked for his son to come into the john and help him.

Now if I had perfect volcanic hind sight I would have phoned my younger brother right then. But that is when I got to clean up precurser to what was to later plague our great land, Dad's own little SCOAMF speech.

Somethings never change. Grandpa died in '56. His standard name for any politicians from one of the two partys was God-damned-o-crats.

Happy birthday America! We will once again clean up after the D's get done S'ing the place up. Our Constitution is worth all the effort.

Posted by: ExPat Patriot at July 05, 2012 03:39 AM (LeJGs)

156 TL;DR for 90% of the Reddit thread: Somethin's wrong with my nether regions; saw the doc; fiddled my bits and gave me an erection. Maybe I spooged. And there might have been a cute nurse in the room.

Posted by: NukemHill at July 05, 2012 08:05 AM (7WLzC)

157 Thank u from the bottom of my almost dead soul for the link. I was fairly hungover at work this morning and laughed harder than i can remember n a loooooong time. I mean giddy schoolgirl laughed. That page is prob the best guilt-free thing on the internet, no exageration. Oregonmuse u r a scholar and a gentleman, or lady.

Posted by: Infidelswine at July 05, 2012 08:05 AM (h+bJl)

158

New names for bands:

Meconium Splatter

Barium Monsoon

Keflex Shit Volcano

Posted by: drowningpuppies at July 05, 2012 01:08 PM (012vu)

159

Oh,

Gorton's Fisherman

Posted by: drowningpuppies at July 05, 2012 02:48 PM (012vu)

160