Ace of Spades HQ

March 19, 2012

Name of Jessica Simpson's Baby Leaked Online
— Ace

Jessica Simpson is super-duper-pregnant. Although it looks like she's carrying twins, in fact, it's just a little girl.

She said her girl would have a "non-traditional" name, which name has now leaked online.

That name? Michael Clarke Duncan.

No but it turns out it's Maxwell.

They'll call her "Maxi" for short.

Maxi?

I should say so. I should say so.

Posted by: Ace at 12:35 PM | Comments (213)
Post contains 74 words, total size 1 kb.

1 20 years from now... "I am going over to Maxi's pad..."

Posted by: Jumbo Jogging Shrimp at March 19, 2012 12:37 PM (DGIjM)

2 "Maxi"...for maximum security?

Posted by: kallisto at March 19, 2012 12:37 PM (jm/9g)

3 I always thought Jessica Simpson was one of "The Simpsons." Well, at least she didn't name the kid O.J.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at March 19, 2012 12:37 PM (Af3Wg)

4 There's a pad joke in there somewhere.

Bad. I meant bad.

Posted by: XBradTC at March 19, 2012 12:37 PM (yVIqn)

5 So we're TMZ now?

Posted by: Andy at March 19, 2012 12:38 PM (5Rurq)

6 I hope she enjoys have the nickname of "Pad" all through junior high and high school

Posted by: buzzion at March 19, 2012 12:38 PM (GULKT)

7 And holy shit, did she EAT Michael Clarke Duncan?

Posted by: XBradTC at March 19, 2012 12:38 PM (yVIqn)

8 That's a lot smarter than I ever expected Jessica Simpson to be: When her daughter gets gender-reassigned in 30 years, she can keep her original name! Big time-saver.

Posted by: HeatherRadish at March 19, 2012 12:38 PM (ZKzrr)

9 Wait... Chicken of the sea isnt chicken?

Posted by: Jessica Simpson at March 19, 2012 12:38 PM (DGIjM)

10 Kind of looks like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Posted by: BadgerHawk at March 19, 2012 12:38 PM (BZK4X)

11 She looks like a very fat version of Miss Piggy.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at March 19, 2012 12:38 PM (Af3Wg)

12 Whoa, she's been eating for 12.

Posted by: joncelli, heartless Con and all around unpleasant guy at March 19, 2012 12:38 PM (RD7QR)

13 Calling her Max? That's child abuse right there.

Posted by: A boy named Souix at March 19, 2012 12:39 PM (GTbGH)

14 Oh and John Elway, really Really REALLY does not like Tim Tebow.

Posted by: buzzion at March 19, 2012 12:39 PM (GULKT)

15 You mad, Max?

Posted by: Andy at March 19, 2012 12:39 PM (5Rurq)

16 I believe you were looking for a picture of the Grimace.

Posted by: blaster at March 19, 2012 12:39 PM (7vSU0)

17 It looks like some non-baby-related weight has been distributed. . .

Since I'm not female, nor do I know much about female biology beyond the obvious, is this normal? I knew one lady who lost weight during pregnancy (I saw pictures to prove it), but I've also heard about "water retention", and other arcane facts.

So can some knowledge be put to us morons?

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 19, 2012 12:39 PM (QTHTd)

18 She looks like Erik the Red in drag.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at March 19, 2012 12:39 PM (Af3Wg)

19 Ugh.. I was that huge when I was pregnant.. was not fun. I was hoping to give birth to a 60 pound baby.. but.. no.

Posted by: Jumbo Jogging Shrimp at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (DGIjM)

20 14 Oh and John Elway, really Really REALLY does not like Tim Tebow.

Posted by: buzzion at March 19, 2012 04:39 PM (GULKT)

Gowon, that can't be true!

Posted by: joncelli, heartless Con and all around unpleasant guy at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (RD7QR)

21 She used to have such a smokin body.

Posted by: Red Mosquito at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (wPKc6)

22 Most women have a glow when pregnant. Not her, no not her.

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (lVGED)

23 I thought that was Sally Struthers. Terrifying.

Posted by: dogfish at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (N2yhW)

24 She makes Snooki look like Lady Di.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (+lsX1)

25 She looks like an ewok. Seriously. Someone photoshop the side gy side please.

Posted by: Obama at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (GJ45C)

26 Holy shit it looks like that blond in the snowboots ate Jessica Simpson.

Posted by: Hedgehog at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (3jGS1)

27 What's up with all these starlets deteriorating so quickly that Playboy doesn't get a fair crack at 'em once the royalty money tapers off? First Brittany Spears, now this? Oh well, at least we got those shots of LiLo before she went on the deadpool list.

Posted by: Xander Crews at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (fsye/)

Damnit Ace, I think I pulled a muscle trying to laugh hysterically whilst remaining perfectly silent.

Posted by: Heralder at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (/Mxso)

29 Wouldn't Maxine make more sense....oh wtf am I saying....sense. Yeah, right....

Posted by: Tami at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (X6akg)

30 I ain't the daddy.

Posted by: Ultraman at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (nj1bB)

31 This is the first pregnant woman I've seen who carries the baby in both thighs.

Posted by: Cicero at March 19, 2012 12:40 PM (QKKT0)

Holy schniekes is that really her?

I think that expression comes to mind because she looks like Chris Farley.

And they are naming the girl Maxwell? Non-traditional? I suppose, in the sense it would be if you had a boy and named him Margaret.

Posted by: Entropy at March 19, 2012 12:41 PM (TULs6)

She looks like she's having a football team. Which, ironically, is how she got preggers in the first place . . .

I denounce myself.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 12:41 PM (gA69l)

Wow, baby fat.

Is she angling for a Weight Watcher's contract after birth? "I gained 237 pounds to have a 7-pound child. That was twelve years ago, just look at me now! Thanks Weight Watchers!"

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, Tea Party SOB at March 19, 2012 12:41 PM (d0Tfm)

35 Wow...she looks like she bought into that whole "eating for two" crap women say. She's HUGE!!!

Posted by: © Sponge at March 19, 2012 12:42 PM (CWCLE)

36 WOW, that's not JS, THAT'S A MAN BABY!

Posted by: Christina Hendricks's Mighty Jugs is Now Andrew Breitbart's New Residence at March 19, 2012 12:42 PM (TCyyS)

37 She looks like Shirley Stoler, the camp commandant from "Seven Beauties." ("Fick, you shit macaroni!")

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at March 19, 2012 12:42 PM (Af3Wg)

38 This is a yachting cap, babe. You need to find a barge.

Posted by: Hugh Hefner at March 19, 2012 12:42 PM (QKKT0)

39 I'm just worried about tripping on the boot lace. Someone bend down and attend to the woman's dangly laces!

Posted by: lizabth at March 19, 2012 12:42 PM (JZBti)

This is the type of information that keeps me coming back.

Posted by: jwest at March 19, 2012 12:42 PM (FdndL)

41 27 What's up with all these starlets deteriorating so quickly that Playboy doesn't get a fair crack at 'em once the royalty money tapers off? First Brittany Spears, now this? Oh well, at least we got those shots of LiLo before she went on the deadpool list.

Posted by: Xander Crews at March 19, 2012 04:40 PM (fsye/)

They start them younger and use them up faster these days. Hanging out with Paris Hilton doesn't help either.

Posted by: joncelli, heartless Con and all around unpleasant guy at March 19, 2012 12:42 PM (RD7QR)

42 >>Which, ironically, is how she got preggers in the first place . . .

Is she the one who had to have her stomach pumped while on tour with the Backstreet Boys?

I wouldn't know, I listen to music.

Posted by: HeatherRadish at March 19, 2012 12:43 PM (ZKzrr)

43 Cicero. <-- Winner.

Posted by: dogfish at March 19, 2012 12:43 PM (N2yhW)

44 OMG. Remember how she looked when she did the Dukes of Hazzard movie? Jeebus.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 19, 2012 12:43 PM (UOM48)

45 Gwyenth Paltrow named her little brat Apple, and Zappa named his kids Moon Unit, Dweezil and Ahmet. So, the kid's name is Maxwell.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at March 19, 2012 12:43 PM (Af3Wg)

Is she the one who had to have her stomach pumped while on tour with the Backstreet Boys?

I wouldn't know, I listen to music.

---------------------------------

Nah, she had her pink parts pumped. /zing

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 12:43 PM (gA69l)

47 I gotta tell ya I've gained about half that weight with her and I don't have a baby as an excuse. Damn, I need to hit the gym.

Posted by: ace at March 19, 2012 12:44 PM (nj1bB)

48 Nice boots. Her centerfold in this month's National Hog Farmer was super hot.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 19, 2012 12:44 PM (+lsX1)

49 Sally Struthers. EXACTLY!

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at March 19, 2012 12:44 PM (Af3Wg)

Remember back when she put on about four pounds and looked normal, and everyone was all ZOMG SHE SO FAT?

Posted by: kallisto at March 19, 2012 12:44 PM (jm/9g)

51 FWIW, Max was Jessica Alba's character's name in "Dark Angel".

Posted by: Reno_Dave at March 19, 2012 12:44 PM (OL4L4)

52 She actually has a cute line of shoes and stompy boots. She clearly can't wear them now.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 19, 2012 12:44 PM (UOM48)

Although it looks like she's carrying twins, in fact, it's just a little girl.

Could be the Minnesota Twins.

Posted by: Jay Guevara at March 19, 2012 12:44 PM (8g3RA)

54 She look like she pregnant-horny not pregnant-frigid...you get one or the other.

Pregnant-horny probably means she's giving up her browneye.

Posted by: Dr. Vagina at March 19, 2012 12:45 PM (qxcKC)

55 Stop! I'm at work, and laughing is not allowed!!

Posted by: BurtTC at March 19, 2012 12:45 PM (TOk1P)

56 Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a miserable failure.

Posted by: steevy at March 19, 2012 12:45 PM (7W3wI)

57 I just googled Lohan; it says she gets off probation in 10 days, and she's been keeping her head down and NOT blasting enough coke through her nose to send the back of her skull into orbit.

I mean, not since last Thursday, anyway.

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 19, 2012 12:45 PM (QTHTd)

Can we get some Oompa Loompas to roll fucking Violet Beauregard there to the juicing room and squeeze the juice out?

THATSAHUGEBITCH!

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at March 19, 2012 12:45 PM (eJkKU)

59 Git in mah belly! I want want my baby back Baby back Baby back RIBS!!!!!

Posted by: Jessica Simpson at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (XBdI0)

60 Is she carrying this baby in her face?

Posted by: nevergiveup at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (i6RpT)

61 Whoa. That dude looks like the real life Abobo.

Posted by: Indigo Child at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (xXhWA)

62 She's carrying Maxwell, Maxwell's silver hammer and the entire Mechanic's Select line from Snap-On Tools.

Posted by: Cicero at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (QKKT0)

63 Holy shit she is huge!She gestating a killer whale?

Posted by: steevy at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (7W3wI)

64 She used to look like this. (link to pic in bikini)
http://tinyurl.com/88dlg2e

Posted by: Hedgehog at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (3jGS1)

65 When Willy Wonka tells you not to eat his experimental gum, you best heed his advice.

Posted by: 3.14159 at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (tTlIu)

66 I'll bet that baby will be huge.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (UOM48)

67 She blowed up real good.

It's funny cause she didn't even bother trying to lace up her boots.

Posted by: eleven at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (KXm42)

68 Bullet dodged.

Posted by: Tony Romo at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (lVGED)

blaster at March 19, 2012 04:39 P

Threadwinner

Posted by: DIck Nixon at March 19, 2012 12:46 PM (kaOJx)

She looks like she's been eating for two...

two First Ladies, that is.

Posted by: garrett at March 19, 2012 12:47 PM (DoEQ2)

"Stop! I'm at work, and laughing is not allowed!!"

But screwing off in the Intertubes is?

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, Tea Party SOB at March 19, 2012 12:47 PM (d0Tfm)

It looks like some non-baby-related weight has been distributed. . .

That's not true! It is so baby-related!

It's a changing table, a crib, a playpen, 2 carseats and a dresser.

I just can't figure out why she ate them.

Posted by: Entropy at March 19, 2012 12:47 PM (TULs6)

55 -

Agreed, and reasonably priced as well. I always wondered, does she have ANYTHING to do with the design, or is it just her name?

Posted by: BurtTC at March 19, 2012 12:47 PM (TOk1P)

gotta tell ya I've gained about half that weight with her and I don't have a baby as an excuse.

You guys were sitting on the couch eating pints of Haagan Daas again?

Posted by: Heralder at March 19, 2012 12:47 PM (/Mxso)

75 And yes, I'd still hit it like Elway bitch-slapping Tebow.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 12:47 PM (gA69l)

76 Sea World asked her to stop eating the penguins.

Posted by: Cicero at March 19, 2012 12:47 PM (QKKT0)

77 Whoa, Green rubber muck boots are stylin footwear for the rich now? I won't comment on the weight since everyone reacts differently to being pregnant.

Posted by: Palerider at March 19, 2012 12:48 PM (dkExz)

74 -

They don't know I'm screwing off if I have my trademark scowly face going.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 19, 2012 12:48 PM (TOk1P)

79 ^^^Beaten on the Wonka reference. Well done, 61.

Posted by: 3.14159 at March 19, 2012 12:48 PM (tTlIu)

80 Those would be hip waders on a normal woman.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, Tea Party SOB at March 19, 2012 12:48 PM (d0Tfm)

81 It's nice for Octomom to finally have someone to make fun of.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 19, 2012 12:49 PM (+lsX1)

80 Whoa, Green rubber muck boots are stylin footwear for the rich now? I won't comment on the weight since everyone reacts differently to being pregnant.

-------------------

Her stiletto heels kept sinking into the solid concrete.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 12:49 PM (gA69l)

83 Hey lets play pick the fucking liberal in the picture

Posted by: nevergiveup at March 19, 2012 12:49 PM (i6RpT)

84
the baby's name is ORCA

Posted by: soothsayerwing plover at March 19, 2012 12:49 PM (G/zuv)

85 Look at those breasts, huh?

I'm serious, those are some knockers, ain't they?

Seriously, if I wasn't her father, I would be all over that.

But that would be wrong.

But still, what an amazing set of cans on her, huh? I mean.. woofa!

Posted by: Joe Simpson, father of Jessica at March 19, 2012 12:50 PM (gCa4h)

86 Oprah sighs with relief.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 19, 2012 12:50 PM (UOM48)

87 69 I'll bet that baby will be huge. Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 19, 2012 04:46 PM (UOM4

I gained 85 pounds.. and my baby was 7 lbs 11 oz. uh.. yeah.

Posted by: Jumbo Jogging Shrimp at March 19, 2012 12:50 PM (DGIjM)

Didn't Jessica play Ben Stiller's role at the end of DodgeBall?

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 12:51 PM (gA69l)

89 I'd still hit it. I'd need a second, but I'd hit it.

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at March 19, 2012 12:51 PM (zlvkY)

90 She looks dangerously over-inflated, like her mucus plug could come out at 2000+ fps.

Posted by: garrett at March 19, 2012 12:51 PM (DoEQ2)

"They don't know I'm screwing off if I have my trademark scowly face going."

Good luck with that while your here. Unless you have a pair of Vice Grips strategically placed somehwere...

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, Tea Party SOB at March 19, 2012 12:51 PM (d0Tfm)

92 Jessica is my favorite singer and I love her for being proud of her body and not being afraid to tell it as it is

Posted by: Meghan McCain at March 19, 2012 12:52 PM (Y+DPZ)

93 She looks dangerously over-inflated, like her mucus plug could come out at 2000+ fps. Posted by: garrett at March 19, 2012 04:51 PM (DoEQ2) Nobody said there'd be math on this blog

Posted by: Chelsea Chambers at March 19, 2012 12:52 PM (i6RpT)

94 I might have the wrong celeb but I think she has already signed with weight watchers after she gives birth.

Posted by: Jumbo Jogging Shrimp at March 19, 2012 12:52 PM (DGIjM)

95 I'm not generally inclined to point and laugh when I see the destruction wrought by pregnancy on the female form, but JS earned the wrath of a lot of the women around me but doing a heavily photoshopped magazine cover.

Posted by: Xander Crews at March 19, 2012 12:52 PM (fsye/)

96 She looks like she whipped a throw off her couch to wear.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 19, 2012 12:53 PM (UOM48)

97 98 I might have the wrong celeb but I think she has already signed with weight watchers after she gives birth. ---------------------- It's her fall-back in case Kripsy Kreme doesn't call her back.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 12:53 PM (gA69l)

your = you're

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, Tea Party SOB at March 19, 2012 12:53 PM (d0Tfm)

99 hopefully she will be able to shed the weight . she is still young it shouldn't be so hard.

anyway congrats jessica.

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 12:54 PM (TomZ9)

100 And not for nothing, but she makes Michelle Obama look like Kate Moss.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 12:54 PM (gA69l)

101 Wyatt... I snorted with laughter....

Posted by: Jumbo Jogging Shrimp at March 19, 2012 12:54 PM (DGIjM)

102

"They don't know I'm screwing off if I have my trademark scowly face going."

I've got two words for you : Hot Tub.

Posted by: Zombie Steinbrenner at March 19, 2012 12:54 PM (DoEQ2)

103 Whoa.

Posted by: Iblis at March 19, 2012 12:54 PM (9221z)

104 Those thighs are never coming back again. Ah well....

Posted by: eleven at March 19, 2012 12:54 PM (KXm42)

105 Damn, girl .. you really let yourself go

Posted by: Kirstie Alley at March 19, 2012 12:54 PM (Y+DPZ)

106 Holy crap! That baby's gonna come out addicted to donuts!

Maybe they should name the kid "Homer".

Mmmmmmm, donuts.

Posted by: Chi-Town Jerry at March 19, 2012 12:54 PM (f9c2L)

107 After the baby weight comes off she's going to use all the extra skin for a new signature line of "Jessica Simpson" Leather Jackets at JC Penny's.

Posted by: naturalfake at March 19, 2012 12:54 PM (XBdI0)

108

95 -

There are certainly days when the ol' AoS HQ helps with the scowly face, today doesn't happen to be one of them though.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (TOk1P)

109 Meanwhile, I'm still banging cheerleaders. Suck on that Shamu!

Posted by: Tony Romo at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (gA69l)

110 She looks like she whipped a throw off her couch to wear.

Maybe she has an endorsement deal with Snuggies.

Posted by: Cicero at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (QKKT0)

111

Looks like my teenage boy of a few years ago dodged a bullet.

Posted by: Jinxthecat at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (l3vZN)

112 goodness she does have a really large bosom.

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (TomZ9)

113 If Cee lo was a white chick that's what he'd look like.

Posted by: booger at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (HI6wa)

114 mucus plug is a phrase I thought I could avoid for the rest of my life.

Posted by: toby928© at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (GTbGH)

115 Photographs put a good 150 lbs on you.

Posted by: Javems at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (nTgAI)

116 That poor bastard used to daydream about how awesome it was going to be to take Jessica Simpson to his high school reunion.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (+lsX1)

117 Jane, those boots are atrocious.

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 12:55 PM (TomZ9)

118

I thought that Jessica Simpson was sort of a conservative.

Poor thing. She looks like she's got a lot of that puffy water weight that some women put on during pregnancy. .....The good news is, she can lose a lot of that if she breast feeds.

Posted by: wheatie at March 19, 2012 12:56 PM (Izn98)

119

112 After the baby weight comes off

she's going to use all the extra skin

-----------------

If not, I'll take it!

Posted by: Buffalo bill at March 19, 2012 12:56 PM (gA69l)

120 they look like fireman boots?

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 12:56 PM (TomZ9)

121 so

Posted by: nevergiveup at March 19, 2012 12:56 PM (i6RpT)

122 I feel sorry for her. That pregnancy weight is going to be a bitch to shed.

Posted by: mpfs at March 19, 2012 12:56 PM (iYbLN)

123 The kids going to be born with diabetes.

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 19, 2012 12:56 PM (lVGED)

124

Sloughing knee fat is teh hawt.

Posted by: garrett at March 19, 2012 12:56 PM (DoEQ2)

125 wheatie true re breastfeeding , i lose the baby weight in a couple of months.

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 12:57 PM (TomZ9)

126 Baby name? I'm shooting for John Deere.

I had to, I'm sorry.

Posted by: mpfs at March 19, 2012 12:57 PM (iYbLN)

127 She's getting so big, she's starting to bend light.

Posted by: Carl Sagan at March 19, 2012 12:57 PM (gA69l)

128

She may be carrying a girl, but "little" it's not.

Looks like it'll be a 15-20 pounder.

Posted by: AZC at March 19, 2012 12:57 PM (WvS06)

129 They don't know I'm screwing off if I have my trademark scowly face going.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 19, 2012 04:48 PM (TOk1P)

Look annoyed....when you look annoyed all the time, people think you're busy.

Posted by: George Costanza at March 19, 2012 12:57 PM (X6akg)

130

mucus plug is a phrase I thought I could avoid for the rest of my life.

I'm Back, Baby!

Posted by: Mucus Plug at March 19, 2012 12:57 PM (DoEQ2)

131

Looks like someone's taking advantage of that old 'ice cream and pickles' excuse.

But mostly the ice cream.

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at March 19, 2012 12:57 PM (+3fAP)

132 Seldom do I get to use this anymore so the opportunity is not to be missed:

Your mother wears Army boots.

Posted by: Retread at March 19, 2012 12:57 PM (joSBv)

133 Please tell me this is a joke and that thing is not Jessica Simpson. Even in this bass ackwards town full of ugly old cows that thing up top would have trouble finding a date at closing time.

Posted by: Bob Saget at March 19, 2012 12:57 PM (SDkq3)

134 Oh, and get off my lawn!

Posted by: Retread at March 19, 2012 12:58 PM (joSBv)

135 She actually doesn't look too bad for being 22 months pregnant.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at March 19, 2012 12:58 PM (+lsX1)

136 75 Pica during pregnancy is not unheard of...using a table leg for a toothpick is though.

Posted by: no good deed at March 19, 2012 12:58 PM (mjR67)

137 Krebs, ok thank you.

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 12:59 PM (TomZ9)

138

She said her girl would have a "non-traditional" name, which name has now leaked online.

Sue E.?

Posted by: Jay Guevara at March 19, 2012 12:59 PM (8g3RA)

139 114 Meanwhile, I'm still banging cheerleaders. Suck on that Shamu! Posted by: Tony Romo at March 19, 2012 04:55 PM

I was making my bones while you were banging cheerleaders!

Posted by: Trent Green at March 19, 2012 01:00 PM (Y+DPZ)

140 Sources say smaller celebrities are orbiting her now.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 01:00 PM (gA69l)

141 Jay!!

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 01:00 PM (TomZ9)

142 119 mucus plug is a phrase I thought I could avoid for the rest of my life.

Posted by: toby928Â© at March 19, 2012 04:55 PM (GTbGH)

That's the glorious magic of AoS -- things you never imagined! And never wanted to!

(Who's the guy, and did he actually knock her up?)

Posted by: joncelli, heartless Con and all around unpleasant guy at March 19, 2012 01:01 PM (RD7QR)

143 147Jay!!

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 05:00 PM (TomZ9)

Sorry.

I denounce myself.

Posted by: Jay Guevara at March 19, 2012 01:01 PM (8g3RA)

144 146 - LOL

Posted by: Heralder at March 19, 2012 01:02 PM (/Mxso)

145

Pica during pregnancy is not unheard of...using a table leg for a toothpick is though.

LOFL.

It's funny because it's true... and because it explains why she ate all that furniture.

Posted by: Entropy at March 19, 2012 01:02 PM (TULs6)

146 that's what happens when you think names through.

sue e. isenbach

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 01:03 PM (TomZ9)

147 Next up for Jessica? Moving to Tattooine and putting bounties on Han Solo's head.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 01:04 PM (gA69l)

148 she probably has starved to death half her life to keep a job, so...

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 01:05 PM (TomZ9)

149

When you're short, there's nowhere for that "baby weight" to go but OUT.

I'm 5'0" tall - each time I was pregnant, I looked like I had swallowed a whale (the maximum amount of weight that I gained was 30 pounds)....

Posted by: Teresa in Fort Worth, TX at March 19, 2012 01:05 PM (0xqzf)

150 Is that part of a sammich hanging around her neck?

Posted by: mpfs at March 19, 2012 01:05 PM (iYbLN)

151

she's so huge, she's got Meggy Mac in orbit around her.

Posted by: blogRot at March 19, 2012 01:06 PM (chysP)

152

157 Is that part of a sammich hanging around her neck?

----------------

Emergency bacon.

Posted by: Wyatt Earp at March 19, 2012 01:06 PM (gA69l)

153 Romo's greatest attribute as a QB is his escapability.

Posted by: X at March 19, 2012 01:07 PM (8Yc/9)

154 what's her spouse name?

maxwell not so smart?

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 01:07 PM (TomZ9)

155

I know that poking fun at celebs is fun and all.

But how does all this ridicule aimed towards Jessica, fit the narrative that "having a baby is a beautiful thing, and not a punishment"?

Posted by: wheatie at March 19, 2012 01:07 PM (Izn98)

156 Leaked? That's not a leak, that's a tsunami.

Posted by: LC LaWedgie at March 19, 2012 01:08 PM (vhwRj)

157 one thing nice about being pregnant/nursing was the boobs.
finally had boobs!

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 01:08 PM (TomZ9)

158 wheatie, you're right.

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 01:09 PM (TomZ9)

159

I am become Jess,

the Destroyer of Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at March 19, 2012 01:10 PM (eJkKU)

160 The green boots? I think the pic was taken on St. Patrick's day.

It looks like she swallowed Ireland and had Wales for dessert.

Posted by: mpfs at March 19, 2012 01:11 PM (iYbLN)

161 EOJ

You owe me a new keyboard ya fucker.

Posted by: mpfs at March 19, 2012 01:12 PM (iYbLN)

162 Willow.....it's a shame that we can't delegate the weight gain, the stretch marks, the daily little pains....and the raging hormonal swings....to our menfolk who knocked us up in the first place.

Posted by: wheatie at March 19, 2012 01:13 PM (Izn98)

163 (shut your eyes guys) creating life is actually pretty astounding, almost always things work out fine. even the birthing process
is truly amazing? and quite lovely, if difficult.

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 01:14 PM (TomZ9)

164 wheatie, my spouse gained a few lbs with me, it took him longer to shed it than i did.

justice.. heh

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 01:16 PM (TomZ9)

165

But how does allthis ridicule aimed towards Jessica,fit the narrative that "having a baby is a beautiful thing, and not a punishment"?<<<

Don't worry about it. I've got a thermal detonator - she'll back down. And give us twice the going rate for this captured Wookie.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at March 19, 2012 01:19 PM (eJkKU)

166 Yeah, willow.....my hubby gained more than I did, because I was always hungry and always cooking. ....But then I was lucky and didn't puff out like a blowfish, the way that some poor girls do....mine was pretty much all in my belly.

Posted by: wheatie at March 19, 2012 01:20 PM (Izn98)

167

Seriously, that's not really her in the picture is it?

If so, Whoa.

Posted by: WisRich at March 19, 2012 01:21 PM (hdpay)

168 @10 I was just about to say the same thing! Thankfully I searched for "Stay Puft" before posting. She even has the same silly grin on her face.

Posted by: Chairman LMAO at March 19, 2012 01:22 PM (9eDbm)

169

I had a list of men's names that could never be co-opted for women, they way Taylor has been, and Madison:

Buck

Butch

Craig

Donald

Maxwell

Posted by: kallisto at March 19, 2012 01:22 PM (jm/9g)

170

I can't see her behind that elephant.

Self denounced, punished, and remorsed.

Posted by: Jimmah at March 19, 2012 01:23 PM (mZ+XA)

171 wheatie, yes i was fortunate also. anyway she's young, as long as she is healthy she can work on the weight later.

Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 01:23 PM (TomZ9)

172

What did Tony Romo know and when did he know it?

I still can't wrap my brain around that picture.

Posted by: WisRich at March 19, 2012 01:25 PM (hdpay)

173 Skinny bitch! I need to call her for some diet tips.

Posted by: Meghan McCain at March 19, 2012 01:27 PM (2jQGY)

174 I didn't dis Simpson's weight-gain; but having thought about it, I do have two unrelated complaints.

First, Simpson isn't married to baby daddy. I'm guessing she has no intention of getting married.

Second, maternity dresses are the pregnant woman's friend. It has to be better for baby too.

Posted by: Boulder Toilet Hobo at March 19, 2012 01:30 PM (QTHTd)

175 176I had a list of men's names that could never be co-opted for women, they way Taylor has been, and Madison: Stanley?

Posted by: Jay Guevara at March 19, 2012 01:32 PM (8g3RA)

176 Help!

I found the keys to the van parked in here, but I can't reach the gas pedal.

Posted by: Maxwell Simpson at March 19, 2012 01:34 PM (SY2Kh)

177 I like it when pregnant ladies wear tight shirts so you can see their giant popped out bellybuttons.

Posted by: Joanie (Oven Gloves) at March 19, 2012 01:35 PM (3wYCm)

178 WTF is she wearing?!?!? And she needs checked into rehab or the psych ward or something for even thinking about wearing those damn fugly boots. I think we found Sally Struthers' long lost daughter.

Posted by: Drillanwr at March 19, 2012 01:39 PM (dNdHy)

179 Veruca Salt after eating the candy.

Posted by: cvb at March 19, 2012 01:41 PM (HRFxR)

180

Posted by: Jay Guevara at March 19, 2012 05:32 PM (8g3RA)

you would think...but there's a classic Bette Davis movie in which she plays a female twin named "Stanley". So maybe this trend of naming little girls boy's names is not so new after all.

Posted by: kallisto at March 19, 2012 01:42 PM (jm/9g)

181 Holy Mother of GOD! THAT porky pig person is JESSICA SIMPSON? OMG. Why, why, why would she go out in public looking like THAT. She is Sally Struthers the sequel!!

Posted by: Janetoo at March 19, 2012 01:43 PM (R+fMx)

182 WHy is the Austrailian Travel Commission making fun of Jessica - they just had a picture of a whale in their advertisement.? True fact.

Posted by: Minuteman at March 19, 2012 01:45 PM (Jbhy1)

183 Did Jessica Simpson eat Sally Struthers?!

Posted by: Dang at March 19, 2012 01:45 PM (BbX1b)

184 So when the fat McCain is quoting Jessica Simpson, is it always recipes?

Posted by: Dang at March 19, 2012 01:47 PM (BbX1b)

185 Crikey! If she had muttonchops she could be a blonde Elvis.

Posted by: Fritz at March 19, 2012 01:54 PM (KWdVT)

186 Man, that sucker's huuuge!

Posted by: tinyE at March 19, 2012 01:55 PM (GTbGH)

187 169 Willow.....it's a shame that we can't delegate the weight gain, the stretch marks, the daily little pains....and the raging hormonal swings....to our menfolk who knocked us up in the first place. Posted by: wheatie at March 19, 2012 05:13 PM (Izn9

I love being male for this reason alone.

Posted by: blindside at March 19, 2012 01:57 PM (x7g7t)

188 I love being male for this reason alone.

I like the stand up to pee thing.

Posted by: toby928© at March 19, 2012 01:58 PM (GTbGH)

189 170 (shut your eyes guys) creating life is actually pretty astounding, almost always things work out fine. even the birthing process is truly amazing? and quite lovely, if difficult. Posted by: willow at March 19, 2012 05:14 PM (TomZ9) Put the pipe down. My wife liked being pregnant until the last month or so. She didn't find the birthing process at all 'lovely'.

Posted by: blindside at March 19, 2012 01:58 PM (x7g7t)

190 Oh, my. Reminds me of the "Yo mama so fat" jokes such as...

When she goes to a restaurant, she looks at the menu and says "okay"
When she wears a black dress she looks like outer space
etc.

Posted by: eureka! at March 19, 2012 02:01 PM (LQIyD)

191 The woman is about to give birth. There is no need to ridicule her, you assholes. I really get sick of the bs here, sometimes.

Posted by: mike at March 19, 2012 02:11 PM (kqXHe)

192 Oh I suppose you morons think a gal should put on *exactly* the weight of the baby and no more...see that all the time, and usually the kid is usually way premature.

Posted by: jeannie the dancing bug at March 19, 2012 02:13 PM (GdalM)

193 Somewhere Nick Lachey's going "phew. Missed THAT train wreck!!!!"

She looks like Sally "are you going to eat that fry" Struthers.

Posted by: The SMOD has been temporarily delayed until 2013. Please stand by. at March 19, 2012 02:13 PM (CP+yl)

194 meggie mccain is wearing some ugly ass boots in taht pic

Posted by: chas at March 19, 2012 02:20 PM (TKF1Y)

195 Holy Cow! No really, I am saying a prayer for the cow she ate. Hope she killed it first.

Posted by: yobobbyb at March 19, 2012 02:21 PM (M/qsV)

196 Hey ace, I think you inadvertently posted a picture of Kirstie Alley instead of Jessica Simpsom. At least I hope you did, for Jessica's sake...

Posted by: Marmo at March 19, 2012 02:32 PM (pcgW1)

197

mike at 199...is that you, Jessica?

Posted by: Uncle Jefe at March 19, 2012 02:40 PM (+3fAP)

198 It's the blonde Snooki. When cankle becomes kankle, it's time to go on a diet.

Very sad when the only way to hide your eating disorder is to get pregnant.

Posted by: befuddled at March 19, 2012 02:42 PM (xJU23)

199 When will i ever learn. Do NOT read Ace comment threads on the train! I'm trying not to create a public disturbance here. Whats that Mr Transit Cop? I am ok. Really.

Posted by: Peggy at March 19, 2012 02:49 PM (rcwnG)

200 Maxwell. Isn't that the little piggy who goes "Wee wee wee" all the way home in the GEICO commercials?

I don't think Maxwell Simpson will ever qualify as a little piggy.

Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at March 19, 2012 03:04 PM (a5ljo)

201 looks like she is carrying aboy to me.

Posted by: Say What? at March 19, 2012 03:04 PM (b7L99)

202 JJS is on the right track. She signed on with Jenny Craig for $3,000,000. Methinks part of the PR campaign pre-birth is to look as big as she can so she can REALLY sell that Jenny Craig. Sad.

Posted by: pforeman at March 19, 2012 03:12 PM (h7ayO)

203 Good luck getting that weight off after the baby is delivered. At least she dumped the incredibly high heels she's been wearing according to the Daily Mail online.

Posted by: snowcrash at March 19, 2012 03:30 PM (t2NQr)

204 Spandex. Good prego fashion choice.

Posted by: Corona at March 19, 2012 04:02 PM (fh2Y7)

205 "Missed it by that much"

Posted by: Gerry at March 19, 2012 04:05 PM (+udX7)

206 "17 It looks like some non-baby-related weight has been distributed. . .

Since I'm not female, nor do I know much about female biology beyond the obvious, is this normal? I knew one lady who lost weight during pregnancy (I saw pictures to prove it), but I've also heard about "water retention", and other arcane facts.

So can some knowledge be put to us morons?"

Ayup. Sometimes you just retain an ocean's worth of water, making you look vastly heavier than you really are. However, in Jessica Simpson's case... she was heavy when she first got pregnant, and has admitted how much she loves to eat and how all her cravings are super fattening foods (the "slutty brownie" comes to mind) so methinks it's more good old fashioned weight gain than anything else. Eating for eight, and all that.

And, as someone upthread mentioned, she's awfully short so the baby and weight has nowhere to go. I'm 4'11" and was routinely asked from like 4 months on if I was carrying twins. Because the baby just had no.where.to.go. I looked like I swallowed a midget, and only gained 20 pounds or so. See, the gestational diabetes fairy visited me with both pregnancies so I had to be wicked careful with my weight gain. I hope Ms. Simpson enjoys squeezing out 12 pound bundles of joy -- because everything you eat, that baby eats. If she's this fat, I can only imagine how heavy little Maxi Pad will be, along with the threat of diabetes.

I've heard that she's already inked a deal with Weight Watchers, although they've already got Jennifer Hudson so I could be wrong. Must be nice to be paid millions (when you're already a bazillionaire) to do something millions of other women struggle to do for free.

Posted by: CMS2004 at March 19, 2012 04:34 PM (8weZX)

207 She should name the kid Toxemia or Eclampsia. It'll save time on her ER admission paperwork. That kind of weight is seriously dangerous.

Posted by: mark c at March 19, 2012 04:43 PM (hnhBR)

208 Not a good look for Jess.

Posted by: km at March 19, 2012 05:26 PM (0A4Wb)

209 I dont see too good...is that Sally Strothers?

Posted by: MikeD at March 19, 2012 05:53 PM (p8QOg)

210 "She said her girl would have a 'non-traditional' name,..."

Crikes, naming a kid isn't a fucking game. The parents might think it sounds cute, or that it somehow makes their kid unique, but more than likely it'll come off as sounding stupid, and the kid is the one that has to deal with the bullshit.

Posted by: Blacque Jacques Shellacque at March 19, 2012 06:30 PM (TsNVA)

211 Jessica's pictures don't just get airbrushed: they get air-*cropped*.

Posted by: logprof at March 19, 2012 06:52 PM (ykSKg)

212 It's an optical illusion. That giant standing next to her makes her look shorter than normal. Also fur adds weight. She could also "widen" her hair, it pulls the eyes downward. Also, maybe a belt would help, especially with vertical arrows. The boots don't help either. High heels will make her taller...

Posted by: Baldy at March 19, 2012 09:27 PM (z1yYF)

213 OMG guys! I had exactly the same 'Sally Struthers' moment when I saw this. This has got to be a put-on. Right, Ace? Come on now, fess up.

Posted by: chuck in st paul at March 20, 2012 12:50 AM (8jVAk)

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