Ace of Spades HQ

November 23, 2012

The Odd Customs of Love in the State of Maine
— Dave in Texas

They say abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. Or something like that. Whoever "they" are, nobody really knows who is them.

Cushing ME man gets a week in jail for smacking his estranged wife in the face with his pee pee. (Is it ME? I don't know, it's M-something. I don't send stuff to Maine)

Now I have to admit, the little girl in me is giggling for no reason other than this is from the "Bangor Daily News." I am a giggly leetle girl because that's stupid and funny.

The incident occurred in July in Warren when his wife of 39 years, who was estranged from him, stayed at his place. He offered her $20 for sex, and when she refused he took out his penis and struck her with it, according to the prosecutionÂ’s version of events to which he pleaded guilty.

I've often wondered if this could change a girl's mind from "no" to "YES". I mean the combo, first flashing a 20 at her, you know, to get her attention. Show her you are a serious businessman. And THEN, while in negotiations, rubbing your junk in her face.

Due diligence? Or just driving the price down?

Thank you, Fred E. Thomas for this valuable information. *crosses dick face-smacking off of the list of "romantic things*

Salute.

via jimbro over at The Splitters

Posted by: Dave in Texas at 07:09 AM | Comments (96)
Post contains 246 words, total size 2 kb.

1 $20 Bucks? Cheapskate.

Posted by: trainer @ Home at November 23, 2012 07:13 AM (1QEkm)

2 Works for me.

Posted by: Reggie Love at November 23, 2012 07:15 AM (pSsN0)

3 Women are so damn picky nowadays. $20 and a dick smack...and she's still not satsified?

Posted by: Icedog at November 23, 2012 07:16 AM (9ScGj)

4 Senator Chabliss just slapped Republicans and America with his tiny penis.

Posted by: polynikes at November 23, 2012 07:17 AM (is2uy)

5 *Waiting for the New Juice-Box Troll to tell us we aren't OWED the right to slap the salami at wimminz's faces*

Hey, timbo, we oughtta leave that for the young'uns, right?

Posted by: MrScribbler, banned at TepidAir at November 23, 2012 07:18 AM (yKUrR)

6 ME stands for meeeee!

My ego's so huge it's got its own postal acronym!

Posted by: meeeeghan mccain at November 23, 2012 07:20 AM (nkiQM)

7 This thread will no doubt turn into a pro-dick smacking vs an anti-dick smacking flame war.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at November 23, 2012 07:20 AM (piMMO)

8 I've often wondered if this could change a girl's mind from "no" to "YES". I mean the combo, first flashing a 20 at her, you know, to get her attention. Show her you are a serious businessman. And THEN, while in negotiations, rubbing your junk in her face.

Wasn't the whipping it out and rubbing it on someone's face a part of ace's strategy in the Skank A Thon?

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Our only hope. Literally. at November 23, 2012 07:20 AM (yTtpr)

9 Obama voters?

Posted by: jumbo shrimp at November 23, 2012 07:21 AM (DGIjM)

10 Yeah. The wife has never been a fan of that move.

Posted by: Sponge at November 23, 2012 07:21 AM (nDcVA)

11 What, you guys don't have dick-smacking Saturdays in your houses? That's how the Mr convinced me to marry him.

Posted by: Ms Choksondik, SMOD devotee at November 23, 2012 07:21 AM (YOZSv)

12

It was one of the Maine twins, and they should be ashamed for ridiculing the size of his penis.

Posted by: Doctor Fish at November 23, 2012 07:22 AM (lDWQr)

13 Romance lives!

Posted by: navybrat at November 23, 2012 07:22 AM (r1ty1)

14 Over at the DC, Jeb considering a 2016 POTUS run.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at November 23, 2012 07:22 AM (piMMO)

15 Hey, timbo, we oughtta leave that for the young'uns, right?

Posted by: MrScribbler, banned at TepidAir at November 23, 2012 11:18 AM (yKUrR)

. I must say, thats a ballsy move on his part. Not sure I would have made it.

Posted by: Timin203 at November 23, 2012 07:22 AM (5WxMt)

16 This thread will no doubt turn into a pro-dick smacking vs an anti-dick smacking flame war.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at November 23, 2012 11:20 AM (piMMO)

I am relatively certain that the official HQ position is pro-dick smacking.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Our only hope. Literally. at November 23, 2012 07:23 AM (yTtpr)

17 No more Clinton's or Bush's, please.

Posted by: Sponge at November 23, 2012 07:23 AM (nDcVA)

18 Feh. Chloroform is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Posted by: toby928© for TB at November 23, 2012 07:24 AM (QupBk)

19 Ewwww. He pees out of there. He's lucky I didn't Bobbitize that pathetic excuse for a peen.

Posted by: Mrs Fred E Thomas at November 23, 2012 07:25 AM (YOZSv)

20 Thank you, Fred E. Thomas for this valuable information. *crosses dick face-smacking off of the list of "romantic things* It's known as a "mushroom stamp." Geesh. Amateurs I thought this was AoSHQ??

Posted by: Sean Bannion at November 23, 2012 07:25 AM (vnW7s)

21 "Dick slapping" thread....this must be the absolute bottom...even for this place, right?

Posted by: Icedog at November 23, 2012 07:26 AM (9ScGj)

22 But more Obamas are just what the country ordered. Am I right?

Posted by: MOOCH at November 23, 2012 07:26 AM (YOZSv)

23
Urban Dictionary~

Cocaine Dick Smack - You snort a line of cocaine and slap your partner in the face with your erected, throbbing member.

Posted by: Doctor Fish at November 23, 2012 07:26 AM (lDWQr)

24 "Dick slapping" thread....this must be the absolute bottom...even for this place, right? New here?

Posted by: toby928© for TB at November 23, 2012 07:26 AM (QupBk)

25 So cockslappin a woman gets a week in jail

Teabaggin another dude gets you 2 years...
http://tinyurl.com/avrq84j

hmmm

Posted by: burnitup at November 23, 2012 07:26 AM (HZBV3)

26 Never confess. Ever. Make them prove it.

Posted by: @PurpAv at November 23, 2012 07:27 AM (rP/0q)

27 I only tried that once, and broke a couple of her teeth. Never again.

Posted by: real joe at November 23, 2012 07:28 AM (PD2ad)

28 Devolution into bragging about member dimensions in 3.......2.......1

Posted by: pep at November 23, 2012 07:28 AM (6TB1Z)

29 Normally it's "a fag in a whalebone corset" going with this move. maybe he should try wearing a whalebone corset next time, and dragging it across her cheek instead of slapping her? I'm sure there's a way this move could work if you're just enough of a PUA

Posted by: BlackOrchid-StillMissingDagny at November 23, 2012 07:28 AM (J6kXj)

30 @ 21- Actually it's the educational and informative part of the day. A Moron PSA, if you will.

Posted by: ErikW on the damned phone at November 23, 2012 07:29 AM (Wu+CX)

31 Feh. Chloroform is the ultimate aphrodisiac. **** Every time I think of Chloroform my mind goes to that AWFUL TERRIBLE EVIL movie The Vanishing (Both of them!).

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at November 23, 2012 07:29 AM (piMMO)

32
This isn't fair. He dick slaps his ex-wife and goes to jail, I simply photographed myself at the Tomb of the Unknown and along with my girlfriend are fired from our public service jobs.

Posted by: Ignorant Maine Scrunts at November 23, 2012 07:30 AM (lDWQr)

33 I'm trying to imagine the actual logistics of dick-slapping someone against their will. Is the estranged wife really short?

Posted by: toby928© for TB at November 23, 2012 07:30 AM (QupBk)

34 no one knows my reference? it's a stand-out line for sure

Posted by: BlackOrchid-StillMissingDagny at November 23, 2012 07:30 AM (J6kXj)

35 Posted by: @PurpAv at November 23, 2012 11:27 AM (rP/0q)

Good point.

Unless this guy is hung like a horse there probably isn't any evidence.

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at November 23, 2012 07:31 AM (GsoHv)

36 I'm trying to imagine the actual logistics of dick-slapping someone against their will. Is the estranged wife really short? **** I'm gonna guess she was lying down.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at November 23, 2012 07:31 AM (piMMO)

37 Sounds like either an Obama voter or Samwise Gamgee.

Posted by: Adam at November 23, 2012 07:31 AM (/YJYi)

38 First the man with the melon switches on the vacuum cleaner ...

Posted by: toby928© for TB at November 23, 2012 07:31 AM (QupBk)

39 *sigh* Oh, MAINE. I can only assume the man was trying to compensate for his lack of teeth.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Hobbit [/i][/b][/u] at November 23, 2012 07:32 AM (CA2NO)

40
"Man Slaps Wife With Wet Noodle"

-Portland Press Herald

Posted by: Doctor Fish at November 23, 2012 07:32 AM (lDWQr)

41 I'm trying to imagine the actual logistics of dick-slapping someone against their will. Is the estranged wife really short?

Yeah, I'm missing something here, too. And shouldn't he have been just a little concerned about her putting her teeth to work on that thing?

Posted by: Retread at November 23, 2012 07:33 AM (zxitI)

42 Not a peep about how "hitting on" your ex is pathetic...

Posted by: navybrat at November 23, 2012 07:33 AM (r1ty1)

43 I can only assume the man was trying to compensate for his lack of teeth. It's the endless variations of flannel there. It drives them all insane.

Posted by: Sean Bannion at November 23, 2012 07:33 AM (vnW7s)

44 Every time I think of Chloroform my mind goes to that AWFUL TERRIBLE EVIL movie The Vanishing (Both of them!).

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at November 23, 2012 11:29 AM (piMMO)

At least the original Vanishing ends like it should.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Our only hope. Literally. at November 23, 2012 07:33 AM (yTtpr)

45 was it Kay in Maine? Cuz I've wanted to that for a long time

Posted by: Frank G at November 23, 2012 07:33 AM (5HSFu)

Even I won't ship "HUTCHMETH(tm) to Maine.

BTW, hope you morons who ordered some Thanksgiving Meth enjoyed it. Left over 1/4 pounds, are buy 4, get one FREE!

So this technique doesn't really work? Phew, I was gonna try this very move tonight. Well, that was a close one.

Posted by: hutch1200 at November 23, 2012 07:34 AM (ZuqP3)

47 No mention of a Dirty Adolph.

Posted by: toby928© for TB at November 23, 2012 07:34 AM (QupBk)

48 I see a reality tv show in their future.

Posted by: soothsayer at November 23, 2012 07:35 AM (J+M4l)

49

I've done the dick-slap gig with a lot of guys and find it stimulating.

Posted by: Paris Hilton at November 23, 2012 07:36 AM (lDWQr)

50 At least the original Vanishing ends like it should. *** Still one of the creepiest, scariest movies ever and with what might be the most bone-chilling ending of all time. The remake was good in its own right and watching the breakdown of Sutherland's character was eerie.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at November 23, 2012 07:36 AM (piMMO)

51 I see a reality tv show in their future. Ain't it the truth. I asked Mrs928 if the HoneyBooBoo show was a put on and she insists that it's not.

Posted by: toby928© for TB at November 23, 2012 07:36 AM (QupBk)

52 No mention of a Dirty Adolph. After last night's Jets game the definition of a "Dirty Sanchez" is being revised.

Posted by: Sean Bannion at November 23, 2012 07:36 AM (vnW7s)

53 21 "Dick slapping" thread....this must be the absolute bottom...even for this place, right? Posted by: Icedog at November 23, 2012 11:26 AM (9ScGj) When awakened at the bottom of a muddy ditch full of raw sewage, the Horde likes nothing better than to break out the shovels.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at November 23, 2012 07:36 AM (c2oll)

54 After last night's Jets game That was an embarrassment of an embarrassment. I would laugh, were I not a Cowboys fan.

Posted by: toby928© for TB at November 23, 2012 07:38 AM (QupBk)

55 Dick smack to the face. A very versatile move. It can either be foreplay or the finishing move after you're done.

Posted by: BCochran1981 at November 23, 2012 07:39 AM (GEICT)

56 This happened to us yesterday.

Posted by: NY Jets at November 23, 2012 07:39 AM (wIgpo)

57 I find myself coming down on the pro-mushroom stamp side of things, but only barely.

Posted by: Timin203 at November 23, 2012 07:40 AM (5WxMt)

58 Well, thank God it wasn't his sister. This is Maine we're talking about, after all.

Posted by: Fritz at November 23, 2012 07:41 AM (d8K+M)

59 56 This happened to us yesterday. Posted by: NY Jets at November 23, 2012 11:39 AM (wIgpo) I wonder if the NFL will let the Jets use their #1 overall draft pick for a coach.

Posted by: Sean Bannion at November 23, 2012 07:41 AM (vnW7s)

60 I read the whole article. The wife left Warren because she's going to Pakistan to meet a man she met online. Pakistan. Something tells me she's going to look back wistfully to a mere dick slap to the face.

Posted by: CharleSays at November 23, 2012 07:42 AM (2aJHq)

61 I mean, hasn't the wife seen Busty Schoolgirl Sluts 14??? It's a totally legit, apparently enjoyed, move.

Posted by: BCochran1981 at November 23, 2012 07:42 AM (GEICT)

62 58 Well, thank God it wasn't his sister. This is Maine we're talking about, after all.Posted by: Fritz at November 23, 2012 11:41 AM (d8K+M) I can see you haven't been to Aroostook County lately.

Posted by: Sean Bannion at November 23, 2012 07:43 AM (vnW7s)

63 Jeb Bush will never run. Ever. Will never happen. Ever. It's silly. The Bush family has zero clout. Their name outside of Texas is mud. Bushes are so unwelcome in politics that GWB couldn't even show his face at the last convention and people think his boring brothet with a crazy daughter is gonna have a chance in the primaries? the only thing Jeb Bush is considering is what to have for lunch today

Posted by: soothsayer at November 23, 2012 07:44 AM (J+M4l)

64 So there are Tea Baggers in ME? MSNBC hardest hit. Well, in addition to the chick's face.

Posted by: NCKate at November 23, 2012 07:45 AM (Kl8yW)

65 61 I mean, hasn't the wife seen Busty Schoolgirl Sluts 14??? Posted by: BCochran1981 at November 23, 2012 11:42 AM (GEICT) Hasn't everyone? I'm a big fan of culture.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at November 23, 2012 07:45 AM (c2oll)

66 these rumors about Jeb Bush are as credible as the all that chatter a month ago about the sideline battle between the Clintons and Obama

Posted by: soothsayer at November 23, 2012 07:47 AM (J+M4l)

67 F*ck, B*tch!

Huuuughgghgggh!

Get out!

Posted by: Fred E. Thomas, rekindling the magic at November 23, 2012 07:48 AM (d8K+M)

68 Nood

Posted by: Sean Bannion at November 23, 2012 07:49 AM (vnW7s)

69 I keep thinking that I should do more live, on-location reporting. Keep the journalistic juices flowing, so to speak.

Posted by: Anderson Cooper at November 23, 2012 07:49 AM (c2oll)

70 She should go to Pakistan and marry the guy in a nice Muslim wedding ceremony. She'll get everything she deserves.

Posted by: deepred at November 23, 2012 07:53 AM (YmACv)

71 So I'm here at work and fire the computer up. Of course my first stop is AoS and this is what I get? God I love this place. It's going to be a good day.

Posted by: Bosk at November 23, 2012 07:53 AM (n2K+4)

72 I mean, hasn't the wife seen Busty Schoolgirl Sluts 14??? It's a totally legit, apparently enjoyed, move.

Posted by: BCochran1981 at November 23, 2012 11:42 AM (GEICT)

I thought that was in 12.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Our only hope. Literally. at November 23, 2012 07:55 AM (yTtpr)

So is the Jury gonna see exhibit A?

Will there be a courtroom re-enactment?

I'm assuming as the "weapon" towards her face, she closed her eyes. There could have been a second "slapper".

Down, and to the right, down and to the right.

Call Oliver Stone!

Posted by: hutch1200 at November 23, 2012 07:56 AM (ZuqP3)

74 72 I mean, hasn't the wife seen Busty Schoolgirl Sluts 14??? It's a totally legit, apparently enjoyed, move. Posted by: BCochran1981 at November 23, 2012 11:42 AM (GEICT) ------------- I thought that was in 12. Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Our only hope. Literally. at November 23, 2012 11:55 AM (yTtpr) No, 12 had the choking and spanking.

Posted by: BCochran1981 at November 23, 2012 07:57 AM (GEICT)

75
This guy was not encumbered with great stats.

Posted by: Johnny Wadd at November 23, 2012 08:01 AM (lDWQr)

76
Dick slapping is tame compared to what Bill did to me. Dirtying up my blue dress irritated me because I wanted to wear it to the journalist dinner.

Posted by: Monica Lewinsky at November 23, 2012 08:04 AM (lDWQr)

77 So, dick-slapping is mentioned somewhere in the penal code? Who knew?

Posted by: Peaches at November 23, 2012 08:11 AM (kpCLl)

78 This happened to us yesterday.

Posted by: NY Jets at November 23, 2012 11:39 AM (wIgpo)

Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Posted by: Tom Fuckin' Brady at November 23, 2012 08:12 AM (kpCLl)

Ya shouldn't oughta slap me in the face with your dick, honey.

My mother slapped me in the face with her dick once.......ONCE!

Posted by: Danny Vermin at November 23, 2012 08:17 AM (aTlba)

80 Weird stuff from the northeast. Get rid of them and California and the U S is vastly improved.

Posted by: Nikolai at November 23, 2012 08:44 AM (pSsN0)

81 Absolutely agree he shouldn't have pleaded guilty. Make her testify in detail before a jury, obtain court transcript and send in to Penthouse letters. Profit.

Posted by: somebody else, not me at November 23, 2012 08:57 AM (nZvGM)

82 Maybe this kind of shit is common in Maine, like Delores Claiborne

Posted by: kbdabear at November 23, 2012 08:58 AM (wwsoB)

83 Black Orchid, I got the Nick Cave reference.

Posted by: Sobek at November 23, 2012 09:04 AM (5DrDT)

84 1. Slapped with his dick? The Walsh in me cannot imagine how that work, exactly. 2. ME is the abbreviation for Maine. 3. That little town, Bangor, is pronounced "Bang-er" by the locals. You know what a girl from Maine says after her first sexual experience?

Posted by: steve walsh at November 23, 2012 09:05 AM (01dv5)

85 I can't stop laughing! What a fool, did he really think that she'd jump at the $20? I cannot believe he got jail time. There are losers, drunks and addicts in Maine.

Posted by: CarolT at November 23, 2012 09:19 AM (z4WKX)

86 "What a fool, did he really think that she'd jump at the $20" He asked. We told him it worked for us.

Posted by: EveryOtherGuyInBangorMain at November 23, 2012 09:41 AM (dpaZU)

87 Only 2 things to do in Maine in winter. Fish and fuck. And the fishing ain't too good.

Posted by: Mr. Moo Moo at November 23, 2012 09:53 AM (xR/ya)

88 So, dick-slapping is mentioned somewhere in the penal code? ISWYDT

Posted by: toby928© for TB at November 23, 2012 10:07 AM (QupBk)

89 When in doubt... I whip it out... got me a rock and roll band....

Posted by: free for all at November 23, 2012 10:34 AM (2cfUo)

90 Damn...beaten to the Dirty Adolph comment. Well here's hoping round two involves an ederly Korean grocer...

Posted by: WillScarlet at November 23, 2012 10:38 AM (Vi6tk)

He was sending a message via morse code:

.. - / .- .. -. - / --. --- -. -. .- / ... ..- -.-. -.- / .. - ... . .-.. ..-.

Posted by: free for all at November 23, 2012 10:38 AM (2cfUo)

92 Actually, Bangor is pronounced "Bang-goah" by the locals. People from away pronounce it "Bang-er."

And the incident happened in Cushing, some distance from Bangor.

Posted by: lizardbrain at November 23, 2012 10:52 AM (EXDjY)

93 Cushing is on the Northeast edge of the Hobbit infestation, incidentally.

Posted by: PersonFromPorlock at November 23, 2012 12:16 PM (2VCZA)

94 Dragging a $100 bill through a trailer park in Maine would guarantee to produce a woman that Bill could dick-slap.

Posted by: James Carville at November 23, 2012 02:03 PM (zOig7)

95 "You know what a girl from Maine says after her first sexual experience?"

Can I go now, dad?

Posted by: daleyrocks at November 23, 2012 02:43 PM (IZEFY)

96 So what would the forensics be like to prove this happened?

"Would you please place your pee-pee beside the bruise for comparison purposes?"

"Ok, now swing it back and forth."

"Faster, please..."

Posted by: Voluble at November 24, 2012 06:04 AM (qYvEa)

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