July 09, 2013

Are We Doing This Now? Yeah Sure Whatever I Guess
— Ace

Poetry is always risky.

From the Assault Vagina Poetry Slam, "If my vagina was a gun."

If my vagina was a gun, you would stand for its rights,

You would ride on buses and fight all the fights.

If my vagina was a gun, you would treat it with care,

You wouldnÂ’t spill all its secrets because, well, why go there.

If my vagina was a gun, youÂ’d say what it holds is private

From cold dead hands we could pry, you surely would riot.

If my vagina was a gun, its rights would all be protected,

no matter the body count or the children affected.

If my vagina was a gun, I could bypass security,

concealed carry laws would ensure IÂ’d have impunity.

If my vagina was a gun, I wouldnÂ’t have to beg you,

I could hunt this great land and do all the things men do.

But my vagina is not a gun, it is a mightier thing,

With a voice that rings true making lawmakersÂ’ ears ring.

Vaginas are not delicate, they are muscular and magic,

So stop messing with mine, with legislation thatÂ’s tragic.

My vaginaÂ’s here to demand from the source,

Listen to the voices of thousands or feel their full force.

The cultural left disdains all patriotism except vaginal patriotism. And sexual patriotism more broadly, I guess.

Incidentally, you're not allowed to keep a gun in your vagina.


Posted by: Ace at 08:30 AM | Comments (394)
Post contains 255 words, total size 2 kb.

1 If my vagina was a gun, I'd keep it cocked.

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:32 AM (GQ8sn)

2 i must be goings

Posted by: ee cummings at July 09, 2013 08:32 AM (19AvL)

3 If my vagina was a gun, I'd look at "stove piping" differently.

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:33 AM (GQ8sn)

4 No, I'm not doing this.  No, sir!

Posted by: Phinn at July 09, 2013 08:33 AM (oFH2D)

5 Okay, first comment has already won the thread, but....

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at July 09, 2013 08:33 AM (OjM8s)

6 Vagina Gun vs. Asshole Gun -- who wins?

Posted by: Waldo at July 09, 2013 08:33 AM (vDjkK)

7 I'm working on my new poem for you to post later Ace, I call it "If my Penis Was an ICBM"

Posted by: Jollyroger at July 09, 2013 08:33 AM (t06LC)

8 Nothing like reducing one's own humanity to nothing more than a bunch of glands. Rather typical for the left. The only thing they don't celebrate is that which makes us human and not animals: the soul.

Posted by: RS at July 09, 2013 08:33 AM (YAGV/)

9 If your vagina was a gun it would be impossible to keep your powder dry.

Posted by: Long Haul Plucker at July 09, 2013 08:34 AM (ufVHp)

10 My vagina is quick.

Posted by: Mickey Spillane at July 09, 2013 08:34 AM (OjM8s)

11 Tom Cruise in "Top Vagina."

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at July 09, 2013 08:34 AM (OjM8s)

12 They'll take my vagina when they've pried my cold used tampon from it.

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at July 09, 2013 08:34 AM (8ZskC)

13 Okay, first comment has already won the thread, but.... Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at July 09, 2013 12:33 PM (OjM8s) Wow! Twice in as many days now. I'm in the "Five Timer's Club": five first thread winners.

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:35 AM (GQ8sn)

14 The Vaginas of Navaronne

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at July 09, 2013 08:35 AM (OjM8s)

15 I got two vaginas.  One for each of you.

Posted by: Vaj Holliday at July 09, 2013 08:35 AM (/kI1Q)

16 If my vagina was a gun, then I'd tap, rack, bang it.

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:35 AM (GQ8sn)

17 I once chewed a Pop Tart into the shape of a vagina.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 09, 2013 08:35 AM (8ZskC)

18 If your vagina was a gun, I'd like to take it out in the country and practice on it for a few hours.   Provided, of course, that it was a very sleek, attractive, and easy to deal with gun, with no quirks, nasty surprises, and especially no metal burrs in the barrel.

But given all that, yeah, it'd probably be nice to put a few rounds in the chamber.

Posted by: Tom Servo at July 09, 2013 08:35 AM (imDYd)

19 if you vagina were a gun I'd hope you'd stick it in your mouth and pull the trigger.

Posted by: Mallfly at July 09, 2013 08:35 AM (bJm7W)

20 If my vagina was a gun, my tampons would be bloody cotton bullets...

Posted by: Waldo at July 09, 2013 08:36 AM (vDjkK)

21 "Rally 'round the vagina boys,
Down San Juan Fluke we go!"

Things never uttered by Teddy Roosevelt.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 08:36 AM (m8qXV)

22 Coming this summer:  LOCK, STOCK AND ONE SMOKING VAGINA

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 09, 2013 08:36 AM (8ZskC)

23 If my vagina was a gun, Dick Cheney would shoot his friends with it.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos at July 09, 2013 08:36 AM (OjM8s)

24

Wait what?

Hows that again?

The left, always desperate on the issue of abortion, is forced to compare "vaginas" to "guns."  A part of a body and an inanimate object.

How about this: "If your 'fetus' was only a few weeks older, you'd demand we sign it up for Medicaid, and provide tax dollars for it.

Instead, you'd prefer we take it out back and brutally dismember it."

Posted by: tsrblke at July 09, 2013 08:36 AM (GaqMa)

25

If My Penis was an ICBM

 

If my penis was an ICBM would you let me erect it?

Could it stand proud deep in your silo until it blasted off?

Would you stroke it gently with your nuclear arms, or ride it proudly

Like Slim Pickens, reverse cowgirl?

If My penis were an ICBM, wouldn't that be awesome?

 

Its a start

Posted by: Jollyroger at July 09, 2013 08:36 AM (t06LC)

26 Somebody owes me 12 IQ points.  I figure that's how many you lose reading that shit....

Posted by: CSMBigBird at July 09, 2013 08:36 AM (jsWA8)

27 _ Let's Discuss The Uterus It's where the baby grows Its fingers and its toes There is nothing finer than Vagina for fun and insemination But once the egg and sperm are mutual We can talk in terms Constitutional. =

Posted by: Zombie Ogden Nash at July 09, 2013 08:36 AM (19AvL)

28 If my vagina was a gun
I'd first have to have a vagina,
But, assuming I had one of those 'uns,
I'd take my vagina to Carolina,
Because that's the stupid rhyme scheme
And I have no choice, it seems.

Posted by: joncelli at July 09, 2013 08:37 AM (RD7QR)

29 I am WOMAN, watch me clench off a shot.... AAARGGGH! Oh no I shot my foot, I shot my foot. Warning to Ettes: If any gun larger than a very small derringer fits inside your vagina your vagina needs to be tightened. And don't try this on your own, see a professional.

Posted by: angel with a sword at July 09, 2013 08:37 AM (2y8mE)

30 I got nuttin'.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at July 09, 2013 08:37 AM (lVPtV)

31 It spoke to me.

Posted by: Pussy Galore at July 09, 2013 08:37 AM (/IWYB)

32

That was bloody awful.

 

The right to keep and bear vaginas is now a Constitutional right.  Man, those old white guys were really swinging back then.

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Pirate Scum of Umbar at July 09, 2013 08:37 AM (hLRSq)

33 If your vagina was a gun, fishes would need bicycles.

Posted by: weft cut-loop [/i] [/b] at July 09, 2013 08:37 AM (xvZYu)

34 When vaginas are outlawed, only outlaws will have yeast infections.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 09, 2013 08:37 AM (8ZskC)

35 I got nuttin'. Posted by: Jane D'oh at July 09, 2013 12:37 PM (lVPtV) I see what you did there. *golf clap*

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:37 AM (GQ8sn)

36 The left, always desperate on the issue of abortion, is forced to compare "vaginas" to "guns."

...babies don't grow in "vaginas."

But we're the ones who hate science and education?

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at July 09, 2013 08:38 AM (/kI1Q)

37 you'd clean your gun every month, rain or shine

Posted by: Mimi from the State of Miami at July 09, 2013 08:38 AM (omBWL)

38 I agree... we have to protect the rights of vaginas. Just the vagina though. The person attached doesn't really matter.

Don't forget, sheeple, sex is the most important thing in the world! The only freedom there is is sexual freedom. Nothing else matters. Liberty, equality, choice, none of that matters outside the choice of who and when you fuck.

This crap makes me want to puke, really.

Posted by: WolfinNC at July 09, 2013 08:38 AM (HVOxM)

39 "If my uterus was a clueterus
there be no futureus"

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 08:38 AM (m8qXV)

40 Tell me more.

Posted by: Bob Guccione Jr., Agent of SHIELD at July 09, 2013 08:38 AM (/IWYB)

41 Only an "If my gun were a vagina" poem will do as a response.

Posted by: major major major major at July 09, 2013 08:38 AM (MUhs0)

42 if your vagina were a newspaper you could yell about the First Amendment while the canaries crapped on it.

Posted by: Mallfly at July 09, 2013 08:39 AM (bJm7W)

43

Stop!  Or My Mom Will Quim

Posted by: Sylvester Stallone at July 09, 2013 08:39 AM (NF2Bf)

44 PRO TIP: A vagina is not the weapon of choice for skeet shooting.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 09, 2013 08:39 AM (8ZskC)

45 anna puma, hah!

Posted by: ace at July 09, 2013 08:39 AM (/IWYB)

46 Filthy whores.  I don't advocate rights for guns - they have no rights.  I advocate for rights for gun owners - you know, sentient beings who actually have rights.  A vagina is neither sentient nor has rights.

Posted by: bicentennialguy at July 09, 2013 08:39 AM (vg8iE)

47

@38

 

Brave New World wins another round.....

Posted by: Jollyroger at July 09, 2013 08:39 AM (t06LC)

48 Pussy Galore...OctoPussy...What was with Ian Flemmings strange obsession over evil pussies?

Posted by: Waldo at July 09, 2013 08:39 AM (vDjkK)

49 BTW, the poem purports to be in the subjunctive mood. It should be, "if my vagina WERE a gun."

Posted by: RS at July 09, 2013 08:39 AM (YAGV/)

50 *waves paw imperially* Washington Nearsider, you know what to do.

Posted by: alexthechick - Commence drinking now. at July 09, 2013 08:40 AM (VtjlW)

51 - If my gun were a vagina I would blow my brains out. _

Posted by: Moron Poet at July 09, 2013 08:40 AM (19AvL)

52 If my gun was a vagina, you'd destroy all it's bullets by digging a coat hanger into the barrel.

Posted by: Solo4357 at July 09, 2013 08:40 AM (NBOA5)

53 If the queen's vagina were a gun, she'd be king.

Posted by: dumbass at July 09, 2013 08:40 AM (KXm42)

54 There is no "I" in vagina.


Posted by: Confused Feminist Scholar at July 09, 2013 08:40 AM (/IWYB)

55

If my vagina was a gun, it'd be a 155mm howitzer

with enouugh room inside for something big that rhymes with howitzer

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at July 09, 2013 08:40 AM (SO2Q8)

56 if my vag was an M1-A2, it could blow sh*t up and knock down walls

Posted by: Mimi from the State of Miami at July 09, 2013 08:40 AM (omBWL)

57 What. the Actual Fuck™.  Is this shit.

Posted by: Kinley Ardal at July 09, 2013 08:41 AM (HWvU+)

58 Call me for the titty singalong post.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at July 09, 2013 08:41 AM (SzAZ7)

59 If my gun smelled like a vagina, I'd throw it away. If my gun leaked all over me every month, like a vagina, I'd throw it away. If I couldn't change vaginas, like my gun, I'd shot it.

Posted by: Billy Bob, pseudo intellectal at July 09, 2013 08:41 AM (wR+pz)

60 >>>TW, the poem purports to be in the subjunctive mood. It should be, "if my vagina WERE a gun."

that's what I thought too.  I actually mis-titled it that, then changed it when I saw she used "was."

Posted by: ace at July 09, 2013 08:41 AM (/IWYB)

61

If my Vagina was a crossbow...

 

nah Longbow.

Posted by: Jollyroger at July 09, 2013 08:41 AM (t06LC)

62 Vaginasmoke.  Starring Zombie James Arness.

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at July 09, 2013 08:42 AM (/kI1Q)

63

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at July 09, 2013 12:38 PM (/kI1Q)

 

Indeed.

I never got the "hands off my vagina" movement.

I realized some time ago, that you can't really pass enforceable laws to stop "the sex stuff." (short of publican decency laws.)

So I'm not trying to legislate what happens between you and another consenting adult.

You can screw as many people as you want.  Don't expect me to a) pay for it, b) condone it or c) allow you to murder your offspring because you can't remember to take a pill each morning. (That last one doesn't involve 2 consenting adults.)

Posted by: tsrblke at July 09, 2013 08:42 AM (GaqMa)

64 @25 Lose the Slim Pickins simile. Good first draft, though.

Posted by: A Poetry Critic at July 09, 2013 08:42 AM (YAGV/)

65 My dick is a gun of sorts.

Posted by: UWP at July 09, 2013 08:42 AM (r98SZ)

66

I guess we need to update that old rhyme for male military recruits...

 

This is my rifle

This is your gun

Mine is for shooting

Yours is for fun

 

 

Posted by: junior at July 09, 2013 08:42 AM (UWFpX)

67 We were already "doing it", Ace (responding with lousy poetry to prior lousy vagina poetry) see "Top Headlines" thread post #216 and ff, but thanks for the new thread to suitably mock its stupidity.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 08:42 AM (7vPJI)

68

@60

 

That's funny. I noticed that too. I had to change my Penis ICBM for the same reason.

Posted by: Jollyroger at July 09, 2013 08:42 AM (t06LC)

69 "What was with Ian Flemmings strange obsession over evil pussies?

Posted by: Waldo at July 09, 2013 12:39 PM (vDjkK)"

 

He was straight and he knew bad girls would do things good girls wouldn't?

Posted by: Mikey NTH - Pirate Scum of Umbar at July 09, 2013 08:42 AM (hLRSq)

70 58 Call me for the titty singalong post.



Titty Titty Bang-Bang

Posted by: Jane D'oh at July 09, 2013 08:42 AM (lVPtV)

71 Ace? What have you done? my brain hurts.

Posted by: Brian at July 09, 2013 08:43 AM (wTSvK)

72 55 If my vagina was a gun, it'd be a 155mm howitzer with enouugh room inside for something big that rhymes with howitzer Posted by: Sandra Fluke at July 09, 2013 12:40 PM (SO2Q ______________ Dowager?

Posted by: Emily Dickinson at July 09, 2013 08:43 AM (yFb77)

73 Funny how lib women conflate their vaginas with a human baby.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 09, 2013 08:43 AM (8ZskC)

74 If my vagina was a gun,

It would have a really, really big barrel and really worn out.

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at July 09, 2013 08:43 AM (WCe8r)

75 Should I now be worried for the safety of my garage since apparently I caused Ace to laugh...  

Sincerely,
A Concerned Vagina.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 08:43 AM (m8qXV)

76 I prefer the modern sporting vaginas.

Posted by: RolandTHTG at July 09, 2013 08:43 AM (QM5S2)

77 Call me for the titty singalong post. Titty Titty Bang-Bang Posted by: Jane D'oh at July 09, 2013 12:42 PM (lVPtV) I believe that was covered in the Great Memorial Day ONT of lore.

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:43 AM (GQ8sn)

78 The last line conjured up images of what the "full force" of a thousand vaginas might look like. It's traumatizing, I'm just imagining thousands of disembodied vajayjays crawling along the floor, opening and closing like mushy Venus Flytraps... oh god make it stop.

Posted by: KristenS at July 09, 2013 08:43 AM (Z5Wwq)

79 72 55
If my vagina was a gun, it'd be a 155mm howitzer
with enouugh room inside for something big that rhymes with howitzer
Posted by: Sandra Fluke at July 09, 2013 12:40 PM (SO2Q
______________

Dowager?

Posted by: Emily Dickinson at July 09, 2013 12:43 PM (yFb77)


Wurlitzer.

Posted by: joncelli at July 09, 2013 08:44 AM (RD7QR)

80 If wishes were vaginas, then beggars would ride.

Posted by: Insomniac at July 09, 2013 08:44 AM (NEIxp)

81 Beautiful.  I wish I thought of that.

Posted by: Maya Angelou at July 09, 2013 08:44 AM (8ZskC)

82 I'm in a subjunctive mood too. I got a case o the Tuesdays.

Posted by: dumbass at July 09, 2013 08:44 AM (KXm42)

83 "If my vagina was a gun," Deprnds on whose it is. Some I'd rather unload & slug the barrel.

Posted by: rickb223 at July 09, 2013 08:44 AM (uwLxR)

84 There's a baby in my vagina so I'll cap its ass.

Posted by: Dept. of Acuracy at July 09, 2013 08:44 AM (VWfCN)

85

NO . . .

 

If Your Vagina Was a Gun, I Would Try Very Hard to Fuck It;

             And Injure Myself Badly in the Process.

      When I Come Your Vagina-Gun Will Go Off,

             and G-D DAMNIT!!! . . .

The Slide Will Catch My Balls and Tear Them Right the Fuck Off.

 

 

So I Shall Limit My Gun Sex to Porking My Remington 870

              Tactical Pump's Ejection Port.

       As For You, Amanda Palmer,

             You Stop Staring At Your Pussy in the Mirror . . .

And Try to Find a Boyfriend Who Can Stand Its Evil Stench.

 

 

 

 

Poetry by Sharkman

 

Posted by: Sharkman at July 09, 2013 08:44 AM (MdV+j)

86 If my vagina was a gun, perhaps I'd clean it once in a while.

Posted by: Lurking Canuck at July 09, 2013 08:44 AM (NF2Bf)

87 H.P. Lovecraft only thought he wrote horror. 

Night of the Thousand Vaginas in 3D!!!

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 08:45 AM (m8qXV)

88 Should be deploy "double barrel" jokes, yet?

Posted by: A Poetry Critic at July 09, 2013 08:45 AM (YAGV/)

89 If my vagina was a gun, aborting my punishment would be so much easier.

Posted by: Lurking Canuck at July 09, 2013 08:45 AM (NF2Bf)

90 PRO TIP: Don't use Astro-Glide on a real gun.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 09, 2013 08:45 AM (8ZskC)

91 This is my weapon.
This is my gun.
This one is for fighting.
This one is for fun.

Posted by: WalrusRex at July 09, 2013 08:45 AM (XUKZU)

92 Vagina Gun vs. Asshole Gun -- who wins? Asshole gun. It's designed to expel projectiles..

Posted by: rickb223 at July 09, 2013 08:46 AM (uwLxR)

93 87 H.P. Lovecraft only thought he wrote horror.

Night of the Thousand Vaginas in 3D!!!

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 12:45 PM (m8qXV)


The Call of Vagina

Posted by: joncelli at July 09, 2013 08:46 AM (RD7QR)

94

 

i've known more than a few vaginas with a pretty high body count

Posted by: kj at July 09, 2013 08:46 AM (kw7uo)

95 any volunteers to 'rifle my barrel'?

Posted by: H.R. Clinton at July 09, 2013 08:46 AM (SO2Q8)

96
She totes loses credibility when she asserts vaginas are magic.

Posted by: soothsayer at July 09, 2013 08:46 AM (UbXPv)

97 I never got the "hands off my vagina" movement. Funny, I was in Spain during a general strike and even the dykes over there were chanting "hands off my vagina" As ugly as there were, I doubt any male hand had ever touched their vaginas.

Posted by: Billy Bob, pseudo intellectal at July 09, 2013 08:46 AM (wR+pz)

98 H.P. Lovecraft only thought he wrote horror. Night of the Thousand Vaginas in 3D!!! Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 12:45 PM (m8qXV) The Call of Vagina Posted by: joncelli at July 09, 2013 12:46 PM (RD7QR) The Vaginawich Horror

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:46 AM (GQ8sn)

99 I am not sure that technically you are not allowed to keep a gun in your vagina.  I think the issue is if you are being taken into custody for meth, trying to conceal a gun in your vagina as you are being checked into jail.... thats the issue.

Posted by: AndrewsDad at July 09, 2013 08:46 AM (C2//T)

100

Just....what the fuck.

 

This is what passes for art among the intelligentsia?

Posted by: @JohnTant at July 09, 2013 08:46 AM (eytER)

101

helllooooo

 

 

my vagina does not have a gun, but it does have teeth!

Posted by: Helen Thomas at July 09, 2013 08:47 AM (zOTsN)

102 Pffft.  Try cleaning a real gun with a weedwacker.

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at July 09, 2013 08:47 AM (8ZskC)

103

I would much rather have my well oiled gun than her well oiled vagina.

No contest.

Posted by: Drider at July 09, 2013 08:47 AM (Af9rx)

104 96 She totes loses credibility when she asserts vaginas are magic. Are "magic" vaginas shaved or bushy? Inquiring minds want to know.

Posted by: Billy Bob, pseudo intellectal at July 09, 2013 08:47 AM (wR+pz)

105 My vagina has a gun...sort of...well...kind of a handle...wanna see?

Posted by: Barney Frank at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (zOTsN)

106 Incidentally, you're not allowed to keep a gun in your vagina.

Condition One would be a bad technique for twat-carry I think.

Posted by: toby928© screams like a little girl at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (codCi)

107 Imagine the mental wasteland it took to write that drivel. 

Posted by: kathysaysso at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (6H6o8)

108

Awww she found a use for your Women's Literature degree. That's adorable.

 

Posted by: Future Illegal Immigrant at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (2XlH8)

109 I got two vaginas. Posted by: Vaj Holliday I'll be your huckleberry.

Posted by: rickb223 at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (uwLxR)

110 *her degree

Posted by: Future Illegal Immigrant at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (2XlH8)

111
If your vagina was gun........  it needs cleaning.



****slides over a jar of Hoppes #9*****

Posted by: fixerupper at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (nELVU)

112 The Naked Vagina 2 1/2:  The Smell of Fear

Posted by: Lurking Canuck at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (NF2Bf)

113 In theaters now:

Lock Stock And Two Smoking Vaginas

Posted by: Jones in CO at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (8sCoq)

114 Vagina and other Macabre Tales.

The Call of Vagina.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 08:48 AM (m8qXV)

115 If your Vagina is a gun... is it Locked and Cocked?

Posted by: Romeo13 at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (lZBBB)

116 "Russia: Syria rebels likely behind Aleppo chemical attack"

How sad is it that statements from Moscow are more believable than the White House's.

Posted by: weft cut-loop [/i] [/b] at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (xvZYu)

117 ****slides over a jar of Hoppes #9***** Posted by: fixerupper at July 09, 2013 12:48 PM (nELVU) Incidentally, has anyone tried Fire Clean? It looks impressive.

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (GQ8sn)

118

@64

 

Thanks. Continuing...

 

If my penis was an ICBM would you feel the warmth of its explosion

on your face? Or would you prefer to feel it on your chest or deep within your bosom?

If my penis were an ICBM would it lay waste to cities or create new parking lots?

If my penis were an ICBM would Superman try to grab it and throw it into the sun?

If my penis was an ICBM would it have the power, to melt your gun and

to move you?

Posted by: Jollyroger at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (t06LC)

119 Are "magic" vaginas shaved or bushy?

Ahem.

Posted by: Sampson at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (codCi)

120 Take a good look at the pro-abortion wimmins in TX.  Now, tell me what kind of men would want to go near any of those nasty vajajays. 

Posted by: Jane D'oh at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (lVPtV)

121 Incidentally, you're not allowed to keep a gun in your vagina.


'Scuse me while I whip this out.

Posted by: A Feminist CCW Permit Holder at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (8ZskC)

122 If my vagina was a gun, it wouldn't have a safety.

Posted by: St Sandra at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (wR+pz)

123 If your Vagina is a Gun... is there one up the Pipe?

Posted by: Romeo13 at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (lZBBB)

124 So would redneck women will install vagina racks in thier pickups?

Posted by: Buzzsaw90 at July 09, 2013 08:49 AM (SO2Q8)

125 Roger Moore returns as 007 in


The Man With The Golden Vagina

Posted by: Jones in CO at July 09, 2013 08:50 AM (8sCoq)

126 And we're losing to these people. 

Posted by: shillelagh at July 09, 2013 08:50 AM (hRzu2)

127 You do realize people who write junk like this are stark-starin' insane, don't you? I no longer recognize much of the country I find myself stuck in. Canada is looking better & better.

Posted by: backhoe™ at July 09, 2013 08:50 AM (ULH4o)

128 Be sure to keep your vagina well oiled to prevent rust.

Posted by: Mr. Safety at July 09, 2013 08:50 AM (SzAZ7)

129 Apocalypse Vagina Now .

Posted by: awkward davies at July 09, 2013 08:50 AM (WK8VM)

130 Nobody needs a shnizz-cannon!

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 09, 2013 08:50 AM (qbVkk)

131 I am packing HEAT!!

Posted by: SandraFluke at July 09, 2013 08:50 AM (zOTsN)

132 "If ol Vagina had a gun, e i e i o
with a click there
and an ow here
ol Vagina had a gun, e i e i o"

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 08:50 AM (m8qXV)

133

Send lawyers, vaginas, and money.

Posted by: Zombie Warren Zevon at July 09, 2013 08:51 AM (SCcgT)

134 My vagina is holy, my tampons are sacrament!!!

Posted by: NancyPelosi at July 09, 2013 08:51 AM (zOTsN)

135 Georgia O'Keefe. Big gun rights advocate.

Posted by: Mainah at July 09, 2013 08:51 AM (659DL)

136 Always assume your vagina is loaded.

Posted by: Mr. Safety at July 09, 2013 08:51 AM (SzAZ7)

137 You can have my vagina when you pry it from my cold dead hands. Uh.. you can still keep it then too.

Posted by: Solo4357 at July 09, 2013 08:51 AM (NBOA5)

138

@121

 

drunk ones

Posted by: Jollyroger at July 09, 2013 08:51 AM (t06LC)

139 It's a vagina! It's a bagel! It's a vaginabagel!

Posted by: Tattoo De Plane at July 09, 2013 08:51 AM (AVaK2)

140

Some of us are still trying to figure out where the 'silencer' goes. Been trying for YEARS

Posted by: Bill Clinton at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (SO2Q8)

141 Always assume your vagina is loaded. Posted by: Mr. Safety at July 09, 2013 12:51 PM (SzAZ7) Keep your vagina pointed down range with your finger off the little man in the boat.

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (GQ8sn)

142 I love old WWII commando movies, such as The Vaginas Of Navarone

Posted by: Jones in CO at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (8sCoq)

143 If my vagina was a gun, I doubt I could possibly reload it more than I already do.

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (WCe8r)

144

Jesus H. Christ.  For the sake of the country, one fervently prays that individual doesn't reproduce.

Posted by: Mazzuchelli at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (piR98)

145 wut?

Posted by: Vote Lord Humungus 2016 at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (HEa5q)

146 You do realize people who write junk like this are stark-starin' insane, don't you? Or attention starved and seeking admittance to the club. Wait....Are we sure Iowahawk didn't write this?

Posted by: eleven at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (KXm42)

147 Treat every vagina as if it is loaded. Always keep your vagina pointed in a safe direction. Keep your finger out of the vaginas trigger guard until ready to fire. Be sure of your vagina's target and what lies beyond.

Posted by: Insomniac at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (NEIxp)

148 Never put anything in a vagina tell you check to see if it's loaded.

Posted by: St Sandra at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (wR+pz)

149 Please consult a doctor if vagina stays cocked for more than four hours.

Posted by: Boone at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (dNx7B)

150 I your vagina were a gun, I'd put it in my mouth to spare myself from more shitty poetry.

Posted by: Brisco_County at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (6OVKm)

151 my love gun......

Posted by: Kiss at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (zOTsN)

152 The Good Vagina, the Bad Vagina, and the Ugly Vagina.

Posted by: WalrusRex at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (XUKZU)

153 In Soviet Russia, vagina fuck with you.

Posted by: Yakov Smirnov at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (8ZskC)

154 If my vagina was a gun, Eric holder would've shipped it to Mexico.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (qbVkk)

155 And just to be clear, we're getting this bit of "testimony".to stop a bill that says you can't kill a healthy baby after 20 weeks and that abortions have to be performed to the same medical standards as a d&c for a miscarriage.

Posted by: Lauren at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (ikxXh)

156 125 So would redneck women will install vagina racks in thier pickups?

Posted by: Buzzsaw90 at July 09, 2013 12:49 PM (SO2Q


Isn't that what cheap underwear from Wal-Mart is for?

Posted by: joncelli at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (RD7QR)

157 93 87 H.P. Lovecraft only thought he wrote horror.  Night of the Thousand Vaginas in 3D!!!  
Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 12:45 PM (m8qXV) 

The Call of Vagina 
Posted by: joncelli at July 09, 2013 12:46 PM (RD7QR)


Hrm, Lovecraft + Vagina... where have I seen this before?
http://wormme.com/2011/05/02/the-horror-of-puberty/

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (oY6Yp)

158 Poetry has really become the most "nothing" of all the arts now.

Posted by: BeckoningChasm at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (P7hip)

159 I don't know if this has been said but...

Haven't they ever heard of the song, "Happiness is a warm gun?"

Do they happen to, um, know, what the 'euphemism' is here?

Posted by: Shakespeare at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (El+h4)

160 Holy Mackerel!

Why didn't I think of that???

Posted by: Russ Meyer [/i] [/b] at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (xvZYu)

161 Teenage me playing Goldeneye dual wielding golden vaginas!

Posted by: Mainah at July 09, 2013 08:52 AM (659DL)

162 She totes loses credibility when she asserts vaginas are magic.

There we go, hating science again.  O_O

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (/kI1Q)

163 Can we call her a slut?

Also: Point of order. It is not your vagina these regulations touch upon. You will remain free to continue to use it as an amusement part. Babies are made in the uterus.


Posted by: RoyalOil at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (VjL9S)

164 If you see a Vagina: STOP! Don't Touch. Leave the Area. Tell an Adult.

Posted by: Eddie Eagle at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (SzAZ7)

165 My vagina is holy, my tampons are sacrament!!! Posted by: NancyPelosi at July 09, 2013 12:51 PM (zOTsN) *eyetwitch* The whole Romney will ban tampons thing it Olympian levels of stupidity not surpasses until this poetry. *eyetwitch*

Posted by: alexthechick - Commence drinking now. at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (VtjlW)

166 hysterical commentsÂ… (swidt?) this post is "moron chum". Fucking awesome. a man, by definition, can never be hysterical. Who knows why?

Posted by: Milesdei at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (fy6jV)

167 Pediatrician: Are there any vaginas in the house? Child: Yes, mommy keeps hers where daddy can easily get to it.

Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (GQ8sn)

168 Off, sock.

Seriously though. Warm guns already, uh, are.

Posted by: RiverC, White Chocolate Emancipator at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (El+h4)

169 They'll have to pry my vagina from Michael's cold dead tongue

Posted by: Catherine's Carcinogenic Cooter at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (/9IC1)

170 Rampant, incongruous idiocy.  A person would have to become totally invested in several introductory forms of leftard indoctrination before this would even occur to them.

Posted by: shillelagh at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (hRzu2)

171 A new Jim Carrey movie - Me, Myself, and Vagina.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 08:53 AM (m8qXV)

172 Nothin' could be finah
Than to shoot off my vagina
in the mooor-hor-hor-nin'

Cause if it was a gun
It'd be a small caliber one
And star of the poooor-hor-hor-nin

Posted by: Sphynx at July 09, 2013 08:54 AM (OZmbA)

173 If vaginas were guns, few could afford to use them due to ammo prices.  

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at July 09, 2013 08:54 AM (sGtp+)

174 If you vagina was a gun I'd assume it was loaded And let all my friends check it out.

Posted by: model_1066 at July 09, 2013 08:54 AM (tSYHH)

175 so are tampons bullets?

Posted by: phoenixgirl @phxazgrl at July 09, 2013 08:54 AM (8JJ6O)

176 Grotto-esque! Five figs up!

Posted by: The First Historic Poet-President at July 09, 2013 08:54 AM (FcR7P)

177 abortions have to be performed to the same medical standards as a d&c for a miscarriage.

"Abortion is health care!!" right up until someone seeks to treat abortion like actual health care, then it's "hands off my vagina[sic]" time.

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at July 09, 2013 08:54 AM (/kI1Q)

178 To get the tuna smell off your gun, try Rem Gun Oil.

Posted by: Billy Bob, pseudo intellectal at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (wR+pz)

179 Because hysterectomy, etymology, something.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (qbVkk)

180 Shoot the poet.  Take the vagina.

Posted by: Clemenza at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (8ZskC)

181 If your vagina were a symbol of identity politics, it would grant you immunity from chopping up premie babies.

Posted by: Brisco_County at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (6OVKm)

182 Vaginas 'N Roses

Posted by: Axl Rose at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (/9IC1)

183 170 Pediatrician: Are there any vaginas in the house? Child: Yes, mommy keeps hers where daddy can easily get to it. Posted by: EC at July 09, 2013 12:53 PM (GQ8sn) More like Mommy keeps it locked up in a safe.

Posted by: Insomniac at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (NEIxp)

184 If my gun was a vagina I wouldn't need a holster, I could just carry it around with my dong or maybe wear it like a hat.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (+lsX1)

185 Can we call her a slut? Also: Point of order. It is not your vagina these regulations touch upon. You will remain free to continue to use it as an amusement part. Babies are made in the uterus. Posted by: RoyalOil at July 09, 2013 12:53 PM (VjL9S) Arrrrgggghhhhh That thing you're jazzling? ISN'T YOUR VAGINA! *ragetwitches on floor*

Posted by: alexthechick - Commence drinking now. at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (VtjlW)

186 Their vaginas are hear to receive from this source Mocking and guffawing and snickering, of course. Because it doesn't make them magical and strong, Just by thinking abortions at sixth months isn't wrong. And Wendy Davis holding her pee doesn't automatically make a heroine, or brave, strong or free. And having Davis wearing a back brace and a catheter just makes me say, "What the hell's the matter with her?"

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (7vPJI)

187 If your vagina was a gun, I'd smather it with oil
I might do it anyway, if your face didn't resemble a boil.

Posted by: Denounced at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (Aif/5)

188 But babies aren't inside vaginas. They're inside WOMBS.

Different organ, ladies

Posted by: RiverC, White Chocolate Emancipator at July 09, 2013 08:55 AM (El+h4)

189

if my vagina was a gun I would have to get a license

 

and get it registered 

 

I couldn't bring it to school

 

or an airport

 

or lots of schools

 

If my vagina was a gun, other people I did not vote for would get to tell me how and when to use it

 

 

Posted by: Kiss at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (zOTsN)

190 You do realize people who write junk like this are stark-starin' insane, don't you? I no longer recognize much of the country I find myself stuck in. Canada is looking better & better. Posted by: backhoe™ at July 09, 2013 12:50 PM (ULH4o) --- Its the kind of thing you might find scratched on paper in a patient room at an insane asylum. A liberal thinks deleterious babbling is a sign of genius.

Posted by: UWP at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (r98SZ)

191 If my vagina was a gun the holster industry would collapse.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (qbVkk)

192 186 Vaginas 'N Roses

Posted by: Axl Rose at July 09, 2013 12:55 PM (/9IC1)


OOOoooooo, sweet cooter 'o miiiiiine!

Posted by: joncelli at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (RD7QR)

193
This just in from "Shotgun News".....

Walthers new line of fire arms to include the peepee22, the peepee99 and for you WWII collectors, a replica peepee38.

Posted by: fixerupper at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (nELVU)

194 Vaginas and Roses  performing  November Poon.

Posted by: Lurking Canuck at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (NF2Bf)

195 The gods of the vaginabook headings with terror and slaughter return .

Posted by: awkward davies at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (WK8VM)

196

If your vagina were a gun, then all girls would be suspended or expelled from public school immediately.

Posted by: Virginia SoCon once again. at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (+/C3g)

197 "The Colour Out of Vagina" A Short Story of Horror by H.P. Lovecraft It's red. The End

Posted by: Zombie HP Lovecraft at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (n50fF)

198 *looks askance at AlextheChick and slides over to her a large platter of brownies.*

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (m8qXV)

199 160 Poetry has really become the most "nothing" of all the arts now.
 

Posted by: BeckoningChasm at July 09, 2013 12:52 PM (P7hip)

 

 

Yeah... you're pretty much Fooked.... like a Squishy?

Posted by: Gunga Din, proud Propieter of a Squishy Mart at July 09, 2013 08:56 AM (lZBBB)

200 Pretty sure conservatives would have a problem if the government started banning certain "vaginas."

If my vagina was a gun, you wouldn't try to ban it.

Posted by: Jay at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (4x8W0)

201 "If your vagina *were* a gun", you half-witted, androgynous glob of asexual goo.

Posted by: SD3 at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (y67bA)

202 There's no reason that any civilian needs to own an assault vagina.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (8ZskC)

203 Why do gangsters hold their vaginas sideways? To look cool, or because of the drool?

Posted by: model_1066 at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (tSYHH)

204 Apprx 50% of those aborted babies also had their own vagina. What a conundrum.

Posted by: UWP at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (r98SZ)

205 Bitter people clinging to their vaginas and religion....

Posted by: Tex Lovera at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (wtvvX)

206 The Vagina That Came to Sarnath H.P. Lovecraft

Posted by: Insomniac at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (NEIxp)

207 " And Wendy Davis holding her pee doesn't automatically make a heroine, or brave, strong or free. " She didn't hold her pee. She had a catheter.

Posted by: Lauren at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (ikxXh)

208 Some of us are still trying to figure out where the 'silencer' goes. Been trying for YEARS In the mouth.

Posted by: rickb223 at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (uwLxR)

209 And now, the obligatory haiku: I kill with my snizz. My cooter is a shooter. Get shot with my twat.

Posted by: Milesdei at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (fy6jV)

210

 

if my vagina was a gun it would be a muzzle loader

Posted by: kj at July 09, 2013 08:57 AM (kw7uo)

211 If vaginas were guns, you could take down a full grown elk with one.  

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (v3pYe)

212

She's the Lee Lee Sobieski of vagina poetry.



This Day And All The Rest
One day.
One.
More than another.
The other,
that day,
those people,
too many,
too personal,
but not.
People you know know,
but you yourself know not.
Crashing down,
all frown,
hurting,
walking,
silently screaming,
slowly running,
often feeling nothing.
Seeing the lucky ones fleeing,
seeing those trapped inside.
Cry.
Cry.
It's OK.
It's not OK.
Smile if it's natural
Feel alive.
The president speaks,
The situation reeks an act of war.
I enter my room, close the door
Sit here.
Here where buildings do not fall to the floor.
we young will experience much more
future, liberty, the freedom to mope about in poetry.
My brother I love you.
Old friends and family too.
Safe for now glad to know I'm alive with all of you.
Feel what is real feel later heal.
One.
One person feeling the same as all the rest.
Please let us act and do what is best.

Posted by: Rev Dr E Buzz Commissar at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (HQml1)

213

If my dick

 

Were a wick,

 

I'd light up your world.

Posted by: Soona at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (MCKTB)

214 More people have died from Ted Kennedy's driving than from my vagina!

Posted by: Catherine's Carcinogenic Cooter at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (/9IC1)

215 But my vagina is not a gun, it is a mightier thing,

With a voice that rings true making lawmakersÂ’ ears ring.


Good grief.

Posted by: nro at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (HjPtV)

216 "But my vagina is not a gun, it is a mightier thing," So when she does the thing with the ping-pong balls, they come out at supersonic velocities?

Posted by: Rob Crawford at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (j6kr0)

217

Of course, this would mean we would have to revisit the issue of those Japanese vagina-bubble weapon movies. It would mean that, once again, Japan was ahead of their time.

Posted by: Virginia SoCon once again. at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (+/C3g)

218 Nobody needs a vagina that holds more than 7 rounds.

Posted by: Insomniac at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (NEIxp)

219 If your vagina was a gun, it would be illegal if it was big, black, and scary looking. Racism!

Posted by: wooga at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (Co5Zi)

220

If my vagina was a gun, people would have to open the action to check that the chamber is clear whenever I passed it around.

Posted by: Lurking Canuck at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (NF2Bf)

221 Barack Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a malignant traitor.

Posted by: AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (/PCJa)

222

And if yer Vagina was a Gun... the Government would get to decide who got to keep one...

 

And you'd need a Permit to carry it in public...

Posted by: Romeo13 at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (lZBBB)

223 Gee, I wasn't aware that we wing-nuts were pushing to have women's lady-parts registered and whatnot. I mean, isn't it their side of the ideological spectrum that is pushing regulation on Big Gulps, guns and all manner of "lifestyle choices"? That said, the equating of gun-control with the state-sanctioned (and often funded) murder of the unborn has got to be a sure sign of some sort of advanced mental illness, though.

Posted by: DocJ at July 09, 2013 08:58 AM (qCk/f)

224 Burn it down. Scatter the stones. Salt the earth where it stood.

Posted by: AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (/PCJa)

225 Kids making their hands into the shape of a vagina should be illegal.

Posted by: wooga at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (Co5Zi)

226 219 But my vagina is not a gun, it is a mightier thing, With a voice that rings true making lawmakersÂ’ ears ring. That's one helluva queef right there.

Posted by: Insomniac at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (NEIxp)

227 This poem made my eyes rain.

Posted by: dumbass at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (KXm42)

228 The world existed just fine without vaginas until the 14th century.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (qbVkk)

229 Are We Doing This Now? Yeah Sure Whatever I Guess See #228.

Posted by: AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (/PCJa)

230 If her vagina was a gun, she'd put a daisy in it?

(never got the fucking brain bleach for that "let's take pics of our meat curtains 'cause it's empowering" link.)

Posted by: RoyalOil at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (VjL9S)

231 If your vagina was a gun, I'd digitally replace it with a walkie-talkie.

Posted by: Steven Spielberg at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (yi0Ik)

232 If my vagina were a gun, I'd use it to kill babies since 50% of them have little vagina-guns.

Posted by: Brisco_County at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (6OVKm)

233 Lincolntf @ 183: yep.

Posted by: Milesdei at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (fy6jV)

234
Rifled????


or smoothbore???

Posted by: fixerupper at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (nELVU)

235 Breaking news - kindergartener suspended for eating pop tart into the shape of a vagina.

Posted by: Insomniac at July 09, 2013 08:59 AM (NEIxp)

236 But what about assault vaginas? The kind with the thing that goes up?

Posted by: Jones in CO at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (8sCoq)

237 Never fire your vagina in the air in celebration.

Posted by: Mr. Safety at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (SzAZ7)

238 Is there an NRA manual......exploded views?

Posted by: BignJames at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (Sg0G/)

239 "I am Vagina,
Here me roar!"
 - The Annotated Sayings of Gloria Steinhem.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (m8qXV)

240 If her vagina was a gun, she would have proper "gun" control, leaving it unloaded or safely holstered unless prepared for proper action.  She would understand the risks and consequences of engaging in 'combat', and would then maintain and clean it right after action  preventing carbon build-ups could result in a later 'misfire' .

Yep, she would gain a lot of knowledge from a NRA approved gun safety class. 

Posted by: Benjamin Franklin at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (Pr6hk)

241 *looks askance at AlextheChick and slides over to her a large platter of brownies.* Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 12:56 PM (m8qXV) *faceplants into it*

Posted by: alexthechick - Commence drinking now. at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (VtjlW)

242 Remember the episode of SOUTH PARK when OPRAH's VAG, named MINGEY, took HOSTAGES and gunned down a POLICE OFFICER?

Posted by: jakeman Plover at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (96M6e)

243 If my vagina were a gun, 30 round clips would be legal. Hell, 100 round clips would be legal.

Posted by: Tantor at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (659DL)

244 If vaginas were guns, you'd need a concealed carry license to be in public.  

You couldn't bring it with you in many cities.   You couldn't bring it into Congress or the White House.  

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (oY6Yp)

245 Fastest Vagina in the West.

Posted by: WalrusRex at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (XUKZU)

246 I remember the Somme.  Rows of dirt trenches with women's legs lying over the top, vaginas skyward, waiting nervously for the next attack of the Huns.

Posted by: Sir Douglas Haiig at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (8ZskC)

247

With a voice that rings true making lawmakersÂ’ ears ring.




That's one helluva queef right there.

 

 

Posted by: Insomniac at July 09, 2013 12:59 PM (NEIxp)

 

She's got a TALKING Vagina???  I think someone needs a little anatomy lesson...

Posted by: Romeo13 at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (lZBBB)

248 If my vagina were a gun, I'd use it to rob older rich men of half their shit.

Posted by: Brisco_County at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (6OVKm)

249 I think this idiot might have seen the abort 73 shirts that say."would it bother us more if they used guns?" And got very, very confused.

Posted by: Lauren at July 09, 2013 09:00 AM (ikxXh)

250 Vagina Fight at the OK Corral.

Posted by: WalrusRex at July 09, 2013 09:01 AM (XUKZU)

251 Look, Liberals, we don't care what you put up your vaginas. In fact, for many of you, the more exotic the better. Dildo? Sure. Pineapple? Better. Chainsaw? Best of all. Just don't think that I need a) to know or b) to approve.

Posted by: AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) at July 09, 2013 09:01 AM (/PCJa)

252
Gotta love the Left's selective gender identification. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday they want women and men to be treated exactly the same, especially if they want to go to West Point or become a cop.

On the other days they want everyone to acknowledge how women are different and need special treatment and benefits.

It's all political bullshit.

Posted by: soothsayer at July 09, 2013 09:01 AM (UbXPv)

253 If your vagina was a gun, it would be illegal if it was big, black, and scary looking. The wookies'? Definitely.

Posted by: rickb223 at July 09, 2013 09:01 AM (uwLxR)

254 A child is much safer in the house of a gun than in the vagina of a leftist

Posted by: kbdabear at July 09, 2013 09:01 AM (/9IC1)

255 "a man, by definition, can never be hysterical. Who knows why?"

Because he does not have a uterus.

Posted by: Tex Lovera at July 09, 2013 09:01 AM (wtvvX)

256 If vaginas were guns, Democrats would be pushing to ban them all - For The Children.  

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at July 09, 2013 09:01 AM (oY6Yp)

257 *ragetwitches on floor*

Posted by: alexthechick - Commence drinking now. at July 09, 2013 12:55 PM (VtjlW)

Wait...have you regained your humor? Because you were pissy in an earlier thread.

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at July 09, 2013 09:01 AM (eSrLn)

258 If her vagina was a gun she would have to take approved vagina safety course before she could use it. Or conceal it.

Posted by: Billy Bob, pseudo intellectal at July 09, 2013 09:02 AM (wR+pz)

259 I've had too much fun with this.   Back to work.   >_>

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at July 09, 2013 09:02 AM (oY6Yp)

260 250 I remember the Somme. Rows of dirt trenches with women's legs lying over the top, vaginas skyward, waiting nervously for the next attack of the Huns.  
 

Posted by: Sir Douglas Haiig at July 09, 2013 01:00 PM (8ZskC)

 

 

Yep... and if those Yankees guns had been Vaginas... Pickets Charge woulda worked...

Posted by: Col. Beuregard Smith, CSA at July 09, 2013 09:02 AM (lZBBB)

261

1. UTERUS, dammit! 

2. "If my vagina was a gun, its rights would all be protected,

no matter the body count or the children affected." The irony here is Alanis Morrisette-worthy. I mean, the author of these stupid lines can't be that goddam flatout DUMB, can she?

Posted by: Quint&Jessel, Sea of Azof, Bly, UK at July 09, 2013 09:02 AM (7v5Ct)

262 Oh, damn, that poem was the funniest thing I've read in a long, long, long time!

"If my dick were a gun, Katie Heim's vag would never fear,
For my gun of a dick would never get near . . ."

Posted by: filbert at July 09, 2013 09:02 AM (7vimm)

263 This poem made my eyes rain. This poem made baby Jesus cry.

Posted by: rickb223 at July 09, 2013 09:02 AM (uwLxR)

264 perhaps the funniest thing about this is that the female jerk who wrote it expected people to treat it with great seriousness.

Posted by: Mallfly at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (bJm7W)

265 My earlier contribution re: "The speaking vagina" Vaginas don't have a voice, you silly twit, And don't compose poetry when in a big snit. Take your aggrieved vagina poetry far, far away. I prefer Emily Dickinson's poetry any old day.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (7vPJI)

266 Nothing could be finer than to be in a vagina in the morning,Nothing could be sweeter than teetie when I meet it in the morning.Where the morning whoriesHang around the door,Whispering pretty storiesI long to hear once more.Humping with my girlie where the dew is pearly early in the morning,Butterflies all flutter up and kiss each little nipplecup at dawning,If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day,I'd make a wish and here's what I'd say:Nothing could be finer than to be her vagina in the morning.


Posted by: Dirty Al at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (lZvxr)

267
They pull the same crap with race. On the even days it's how dare you mention or notice a person's race!. And on the odd days it's I'm black, gimme gimme gimme, because I'm black.

Posted by: soothsayer at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (UbXPv)

268 Although vaginas are banned in Chicago it has one of the highest quickie rates in the US.

Posted by: Mr. Safety at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (SzAZ7)

269 The great post-WWI, anti-war epic: "Johnny Got His Vagina"

Posted by: mrp at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (HjPtV)

270 If my vagina was a gun Chuck Schumer would be frightened and confused by it, while Sarah Palin would handle it with confidence and authority.

Posted by: Gristle Encased Head at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (+lsX1)

271 Or, she's a twat who was pissed that CC holders don't have to wait in line. Daddy issues. Did I mention that these people are insane. There was a pro abortion mariachi band playing yesterday.

Posted by: Lauren at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (ikxXh)

272 Wait...have you regained your humor? Because you were pissy in an earlier thread. Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at July 09, 2013 01:01 PM (eSrLn) I totally said that I felt something akin to that sorry like thing!

Posted by: alexthechick - Commence drinking now. at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (VtjlW)

273 260 If vaginas were guns, Democrats would be pushing to ban them all - For The Children.  
 

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at July 09, 2013 01:01 PM (oY6Yp)

 

 

But they would start by banning the Scary Looking ones... that don't get used much...

Posted by: Romeo13 at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (lZBBB)

274

Its the kind of thing you might find scratched on paper in a patient room at an insane asylum. A liberal thinks deleterious babbling is a sign of genius.

--------------

 

Hmm...  Wasn't the Oracle of Delphi a babbling woman who had her babbles "interpreted" by a nearby priest?  Maybe this is something similar?

 

Also, if your vagina is a gun, does that mean that chastity belts are the new gun safes?

 

Posted by: junior at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (UWFpX)

275 The dinosaurs purposefully went extinct to avoid having to be around when this poem was written. 

Posted by: shillelagh at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (hRzu2)

276 I'm betting the 'poet' has an assault vagina.  Very scary looking.

Posted by: Lurking Canuck at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (NF2Bf)

277 In the Old West some tough old madames of the plains were known to pack two vaginas.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 09, 2013 09:03 AM (qbVkk)

278 shit try again

Nothing could be finer than to be in a vagina in the morning,


Nothing could be sweeter than teetie when I meet it in the morning.


Where the morning whoriesHang around the door,


Whispering pretty stories

I long to hear once more.


Humping with my girlie where the dew is pearly early in the morning,


Butterflies all flutter up and kiss each little nipplecup at dawning,


If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day,I'd make a wish and here's what I'd say:


Nothing could be finer than to be her vagina in the morning.

Posted by: Dirty Al at July 09, 2013 09:04 AM (lZvxr)

279 Speak softly and carry a big vagina.

Posted by: WalrusRex at July 09, 2013 09:04 AM (XUKZU)

280 CNN Washington DC Bureau - Today July 9th 2013 President Gaylord Focker issued a new executive order that pundits are calling the 'No Vagina Left Behind' EO.  The President then gave a brief speech.

"As someone who is intimate with how important a vagina is, I do not want to see them neglected or abandoned.  If this Executive Order can just save one vagina, then it was worth it."

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 09:04 AM (m8qXV)

281 Posted by: Mallfly at July 09, 2013 01:03 PM (bJm7W) Apparently some leftists are. They're ready to tatoo it on their bodies.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 09:04 AM (7vPJI)

282 If my vagina was a gun... You're vagina is a gun- and it should be shooting out babies. Now take off your shoes and get back in the kitchen.

Posted by: Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed at July 09, 2013 09:04 AM (n50fF)

283 a man, by definition, can never be hysterical. Who knows why?
========
Blame it on the Greeks.

Also, does her vagina have teeth?

Further, I may assent to your being "magic" given it is a daemon what that bleeds for days but doesn't die (though sometimes smells like it).

Posted by: RoyalOil at July 09, 2013 09:05 AM (VjL9S)

284 Posted by: alexthechick - Commence drinking now. at July 09, 2013 01:03 PM (VtjlW)

"Pissy means never having to say you're sorry."

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at July 09, 2013 09:05 AM (eSrLn)

285 Which Celebs have assault vaginas?

Posted by: perdogg at July 09, 2013 09:05 AM (ziD3M)

286 One of the many, many problems with Lefties is that they actually buy into the "God, gays, and guns" crap they push.

Posted by: Shoot Me at July 09, 2013 09:05 AM (qiXMt)

287 so if my vagina were a gun.....i could clean in on the kitchen counter? seriousyouguys?

Posted by: phoenixgirl @phxazgrl at July 09, 2013 09:05 AM (8JJ6O)

288 Kegel kills with a 6 oz pull.

Posted by: The Hobo Wears Prada (Hate, it's whats for breakfast!) at July 09, 2013 09:05 AM (jopHG)

289 So I guess it the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco Vaginas and Explosives now

Posted by: Jones in CO at July 09, 2013 09:05 AM (8sCoq)

290 I really don't like the idea of vaginas spitting things out at me.  

Posted by: Dats Retarded Future Buddha at July 09, 2013 09:05 AM (oDCMR)

291 If your vagina were a gun, you'd be demanding reasonable, common-sense regulations of it.  For the safety of the children, of course.

Posted by: Alex at July 09, 2013 09:06 AM (/yzYn)

292 If my vagina were a gun, I'd have a hair trigger bang switch.

Posted by: Fritz at July 09, 2013 09:06 AM (UzPAd)

293 Scheisser! Another Nazi super weapon has been revealed! Had we mass produced the vagina gun, we could have stopped the Allies at the Rhine!

Posted by: Hitler at July 09, 2013 09:06 AM (659DL)

Posted by: Drew in MO at July 09, 2013 09:06 AM (cGlgB)

295 a man, by definition, can never be hysterical. Who knows why?


But we can be puerile.  And are.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 09, 2013 09:06 AM (8ZskC)

296 I wonder what caliber her vagina is?

Posted by: Dats Retarded Future Buddha at July 09, 2013 09:06 AM (oDCMR)

297 I always thought "Annie Get Your Gun" was the story of Annie Oakley, her love and profession.

Turns out it was "navel gazing" or vagoo gazing I s'pose.

Posted by: bonhomme at July 09, 2013 09:07 AM (IoTdl)

298 Is it possible for a nation to be too stupid to continue? Because I am pretty sure this is a sign that we are reaching that point.

Posted by: Drew in MO at July 09, 2013 09:07 AM (cGlgB)

299 Loaded or unloaded, never point your vagina at anything you're not willing to destroy.

Posted by: opsomaniac at July 09, 2013 09:07 AM (VT7xu)

300

248 If vaginas were guns, ...You couldn't bring it into Congress or the White House.

--------------------------------------------------

 

Apologies to the 'ettes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing...

Posted by: Virginia SoCon once again. at July 09, 2013 09:07 AM (+/C3g)

301

This is my vagina. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My vagina is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My vagina, without me, is useless. Without my vagina, I am useless.

Posted by: Lurking Canuck at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (NF2Bf)

302

Smith and Wesson-oil vagina.

Posted by: Soona at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (MCKTB)

303 Change vagina to dick


Posted by: Skandia Recluse at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (1jqb3)

304

If my vagina were a gun, I could've mugged Bill Clinton like 80 times since Monday.

Posted by: Brisco_County at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (6OVKm)

305 The gun spits out little punishments, unless it    is stopped by brave planned parenthood workers.

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (pT3XC)

306 And yes you Capitalist running Dogs... it was in Mother Russia.. in the Great Soviet Union, that the Assault Vagina was invented...

Posted by: Dr. Kalishnakov at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (lZBBB)

307 can't find the text, but anyone besides me remember the "Married with Children" episode that has Al confined to the basement? Marcy comes in and reads a poem that begins "I think that I shall never see my g-spot looking back at me..."

Posted by: Mallfly at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (bJm7W)

308 If my vagina was a gun, they'd keep it in India.

Posted by: Billy Bob, pseudo intellectal at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (wR+pz)

309 I wonder what caliber her vagina is?

Posted by: Dats Retarded Future Buddha at July 09, 2013 01:06 PM (oDCMR)


---


Im guessing "billiard ball"....

Posted by: fixerupper at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (nELVU)

310

If her vagina was a gun, maybe they'd recognize that it's primary purpose was to shoot things back out.

 

 

Alternatively: If her vagina was a gun, she'd be using the ramrod without loading anything.

Posted by: Grey Fox at July 09, 2013 09:08 AM (CdQRQ)

311 My father in law just called to nail down our plans for my older daughter's birthday. Before he hung up he said "you're not down at the Capitol with all the crazy people, are you?" Well, not today...

Posted by: Lauren at July 09, 2013 09:09 AM (ikxXh)

312 Vogon vagina slam.

Posted by: eleven at July 09, 2013 09:09 AM (KXm42)

313 302 I wonder what caliber her vagina is?


clearly 88 mm

Posted by: Heinz Guderian at July 09, 2013 09:09 AM (Pr6hk)

314 Change vagina to dick


Posted by: Skandia Recluse at July 09, 2013 01:08 PM (1jqb3)


----


I think thats covered under Obamacare.

Posted by: fixerupper at July 09, 2013 09:09 AM (nELVU)

315 New Ace up

Posted by: Vic at July 09, 2013 09:09 AM (lZvxr)

316 "Pissy means never having to say you're sorry." Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at July 09, 2013 01:05 PM (eSrLn) As does having a vagina, interestingly enough.

Posted by: alexthechick - Commence drinking now. at July 09, 2013 09:09 AM (VtjlW)

317 If my dick was a railgun that would be totally awesome.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 09, 2013 09:09 AM (8ZskC)

318

Oh Jesus Christ.   

 

Okay, let me take this apart line by line.

 

If my vagina was a gun, you would stand for its rights,

 

 

A gun does not have rights.    The people who own guns have rights.   Your vagina cannot have rights.    You might as well give your hand rights, or your nose, or your asshole.   I wouldn't recommend that last one, though, since your asshole has already staged a coup and taken over your mouth, which is why you spew this shit.



You would ride on buses and fight all the fights.

 

Funny, I don't see many of you Vagina Warriors riding on buses to protest      cliterectomies or     sharia    laws     that subjugate and demean women    to almost inhuman status.    I guess you don't really like fighting fights where you might get    hurt, huh?

 



If my vagina was a gun, you would treat it with care,

 

 

Why?   You clearly like to spread your legs for whoever and whatever you feel like fucking.   Is that treating your vagina with care?    Sorry, honey, I have standards.   And so does my gun.

 



You wouldnÂ’t spill all its secrets because, well, why go there.

 

 

First off, what fucking secrets does a    gun have?  

 

 

Secondly,    why would anyone want to spill your vagina's secrets when you're perfectly happy to do that yourself?   Why else would you be writing a poem about your fucking vagina?

 



If my vagina was a gun, youÂ’d say what it holds is private

 

 

Does anyone say that bullets are private?   What?   What the fuck was this whorebitch toking on besides epic amounts of cock and/or pussy   when she wrote this?

 

 

You know what IS private?   The names and locations of people who own guns.   But that should be private   for everyone.   Or would you like it if I put your name, address and contact information on Twitter for all the world to see, honeytits?    Maybe with a note that says:   "Likes to suck and fuck.   Call for a good time, no strings attached."    Would you like that,   sugarc*nt?

 

 

And btw, slutwhore, vaginas don't "hold" anything.   Okay?  

 



From cold dead hands we could pry, you surely would riot.

 

 

I cannot even figure out what the hell she's talking about here.   I get the "cold dead hands" quote, but what    the fuck does that have to do with vaginas?   Is she    advocating   necrophilia    or something?    Or is she saying necrophilia's bad?    I just... what?

 



If my vagina was a gun, its rights would all be protected,

 

 

Again, guns don't have rights, blah, blah, you're a c*nt.

 



no matter the body count or the children affected.

 

 

Oh, hey!   So you're admitting that abortion is murder?   AWESOME!   The first step toward correcting your faults is admitting they exist!  

 



If my vagina was a gun, I could bypass security,



concealed carry laws would ensure IÂ’d have impunity.

 

 

*rubbing temples*   The stupid here...

 

 

Concealed carry laws, you    gonorrheal  hag.  That means there are rules.  

 

Here, let me explain this.   If I were to conceal carry a weapon into an establishment and then use that weapon to kill someone, I could not -- and I know this will be hard for your     syphillis     racked brain to understand, but it's true -- I COULD NOT say, "I didn't do anything wrong because I have a concealed carry license."

 

See how that works?

 

YOU, on the other hand, could heave your    flabby vag into the bed of the nearest    random    individual with a Y chromosome,  get pregnant, and then force     some OTHER   guy to pay child support for the rest of his life    even if the baby that comes from the anonymous sex isn't his.    And anyone who says that is sickening and wrong is a misogynist.  

 

Meanwhile, if someone were to, say, stick their hand down your pants and shove a fist up your vagina, guess what?  That'd be illegal.   See, your vagina's already protected, you     cretin.    So's your face, which is the ONLY reason I'm not tracking you down to punch you square in the    nose,   hopefully breaking some of your teeth in the   process.

 

 

Impunity.   I do not think that word means what you think it means.

 



If my vagina was a gun, I wouldnÂ’t have to beg you,



I could hunt this great land and do all the things men do.

 

 

Sweet Jesus on a pogo stick.  

 

What are you begging for?   To be able to have heaps and mounds of unrestricted sex?   Well, you can do that.   

 

To be able to abort your unborn baby?  You can do that, too.

 

Maybe you want to be able to "hunt" for men (or women) to have sex with you.    Honey, if you    feel the need to hunt for sex, get some fucking therapy.   

 

 

Still failing to see what any of this has to do with your vagina:    babies grow in the uterus; eggs are housed in the ovaries and travel along the fallopian tubes.   All   your vagina does is   take the dick in and shove the baby out,    you   illiterate fishtaco.

 



But my vagina is not a gun, it is a mightier thing,



With a voice that rings true making lawmakersÂ’ ears ring.

 

 

Oh holy fuck, I'm going to -

 

 

*VOMITS NOISILY*

 

 

Did I ever mention to y'all how much I loathe, hate and utterly despise that "I am Woman, Hear Me Roar" song?   It makes me want to go on a stabbing spree.  

 



Vaginas are not delicate, they are muscular and magic,



So stop messing with mine, with legislation thatÂ’s tragic.

 

 

See paragraphs one through whatever the fuck, above.  

 

Also, what is this?   Middle school?   "Muscular and magic?"   "Legislation that's tragic?"    Yes, because   NOT   allowing you to butcher an unborn baby that has hands, feet, eyes, a nose, a heartbeat, and the ability to feel pain     is the tragedy here.    Oh you   poor, poor little snowflake.     My heart breaks for you, really it does.

 



My vaginaÂ’s here to demand from the source,

 

 

WTF?   What source?   What are you talking about?    You know, I'd like to demand from YOUR source -- your parents -- why the fuck     your father   didn't jack you off into a tissue    instead of copulating    with your mom.   Fucking tragedy is right. 

 

Listen to the voices of thousands or feel their full force.

 

 

Ooooh, so scared.    Thousands of women with genital warts and vagina's so cavernous they could    conceal     the entire population of New Guinea marching on the legislative centers of this country   to complain about their lady parts.     Ooooooooh, my knees are trembling.   Ooooooooh.

 

 

Here's a tip, fucksluts:   It's easier to walk when your flabby labia   (flabia)       aren't swinging around your knees.      No one needs to see that.        Tie   those piss flaps in a bow or wear some granny panties while you march.     Thank you from a grateful nation.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/b][/u][/i] at July 09, 2013 09:09 AM (4df7R)

319 One more! 

If vaginas were guns, they'd be arms.  

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at July 09, 2013 09:10 AM (oY6Yp)

320 Hoppe's #9 as a douche is just fine. Burmashave!

Posted by: The Hobo Wears Prada (Hate, it's whats for breakfast!) at July 09, 2013 09:10 AM (jopHG)

321 318-Thanks for doing your part against the crazy people, Lauren.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 09:10 AM (7vPJI)

322 THIS IS MY VAGINA, THIS IS MY GUN
This is my vagina, this is my gun!
THIS IS FOR FIGHTING, THIS IS FOR FUN
This is for fighting, this is for fun!

Posted by: Jones in CO at July 09, 2013 09:11 AM (8sCoq)

323

#308- <clap clap clap>

 

Well done.

Posted by: Virginia SoCon once again. at July 09, 2013 09:11 AM (+/C3g)

324
We should have an Acquittal Meter for George Zimmerman. A meter that weighs the evidence and testimonies and also takes into account the daily measure of stupidity of the American people.

For instance, this 'poem' moves the needle on the Acquittal Meter a bit closer to 0.

Posted by: soothsayer at July 09, 2013 09:11 AM (UbXPv)

325 I my penis were a vagina, then my anus would get some rest. Right, Reggie? No? Okay, then.

Posted by: President Barack Hussein Obama at July 09, 2013 09:12 AM (n50fF)

326 What about high-capacity vaginas?  Must we outlaw them?

Posted by: rabidsquirrel at July 09, 2013 09:13 AM (QSvuk)

327

If my vagina were a gun, it would star in a porno with Detective Sledge Hammer.

Posted by: Brisco_County at July 09, 2013 09:13 AM (6OVKm)

328 " MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at July 09, 2013 01:09 PM (4df7R)" Slow clap.

Posted by: Lauren at July 09, 2013 09:14 AM (ikxXh)

329 We know she is certainly brandishing it in public.

Posted by: dantealiegri at July 09, 2013 09:14 AM (VXYXz)

330 Recall the previously discussed theory that Cute => Rage.   AllenG proposed that the relation is symmetric, such that Rage => Cute. 

I point out the ranty rant above as a definitive proof that 'Ettes are ragecute. 

Posted by: ConservativeMonster at July 09, 2013 09:15 AM (v3pYe)

331 ...the right of the people to keep and bare Vaginas, shall not be infringed.

Posted by: Your Founding Father...Just Call Me Daddy. at July 09, 2013 09:15 AM (ay6+/)

332 Nicely done, MWR. Please consider submitting it as a response wherever it was originally posted. It would make the heads of some leftists explode.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 09:16 AM (7vPJI)

333 No problem, FS. Although I think my kids might associate the color orange with baby killers forever more.

Posted by: Lauren at July 09, 2013 09:16 AM (ikxXh)

334 This vagina thread has got some legs to it.

Posted by: JoJo the cat. at July 09, 2013 09:16 AM (P1Tw6)

335 Have Vagina, Will Travel

Posted by: JeremiadBullfrog at July 09, 2013 09:18 AM (Y5I9o)

336 Those aren't legs...

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 09:18 AM (m8qXV)

337 Jamie's Got a Vagina

Posted by: Aerosmith at July 09, 2013 09:18 AM (0HooB)

338 However the original poem wasn't supposed to be logical. It was supposed to be the deeply felt and meaningful emotional cries of a vagina. LOL.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 09:18 AM (7vPJI)

339
With a voice that rings true making lawmakersÂ’ ears ring.
======

I thought it was a whispering eye?

Posted by: RoyalOil at July 09, 2013 09:18 AM (VjL9S)

340 Lady, know your anatomy.  Nobody is legislating your vagina.  We're legislating your womb.  Duh.

Posted by: Dr. Mr. Badman at July 09, 2013 09:21 AM (MlqTY)

341 FenelopSpoke, just ponder how radically different Harlan Ellison's Hugo winning short story would have been if titled I Have no Vagina and I Must Scream.

Anthropomorphizing of course is the imbuing, consciously or unconsciously, human traits upon an animal or an object.  Its all in the emotions when we go "Oh poor baby did the vet be mean to you?"

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 09, 2013 09:22 AM (m8qXV)

342 However the original poem wasn't supposed to be logical. It was supposed to be the deeply felt and meaningful emotional cries of a vagina. LOL.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 01:18 PM (7vPJI) [

 

 

I can empathize with her on that.   Why, many's the night I've laid awake in bed, tossing and turning and unable to sleep because my fucking vagina won't get off the phone.  Gives new meaning to the term "Chatterbox."

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/s][/b][/u][/i] at July 09, 2013 09:23 AM (4df7R)

343 http://austinmugs.com/mug/katie-helm

Katie Helm of Austin charged with assault.  Can't make this stuff up.

Posted by: Mug shots at July 09, 2013 09:23 AM (0It32)

344 That was awesome, MWR @ 325.

Posted by: rickl at July 09, 2013 09:24 AM (zoehZ)

345 Was she arrested for assaulting people with abysmally poor poetry?

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 09:27 AM (7vPJI)

346 "Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at July 09, 2013 01:09 PM"

*carefully slides over the whisky decanter*

Posted by: RedMindBlueState at July 09, 2013 09:27 AM (knoK7)

347

REBUTTAL POEM:  If a baby was a Kangaroo Rat.  You could also use:

If a baby was a Tree

If a baby was a GITMO terrorist

If a baby was a dolphin, whale, or some other "cute" ocean mammal

If a baby was Antony Weiner

 

COME UP WITH SOME MORE ! ! !

 

Posted by: KLH at July 09, 2013 09:31 AM (4+tm0)

348

If my penis was a gun,

would I have to register it?

If my penis was a gun,

would I have to lock it up and never use it?

If my penis was a gun,

would you blame IT for knocking up your daughter and absolve me of any responsibility?

If my penis was a gun,

would you insist it be confiscated, because there's no need for it any more in 21st century society?

 

Posted by: pete at July 09, 2013 09:33 AM (VIY20)

349 Was she arrested for assaulting people with abysmally poor poetry? Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 01:27 PM

Failure to keep her cat on a leash.

Posted by: Mug shots at July 09, 2013 09:34 AM (0It32)

350 If the bitches hole was a gun, it would be an 8 inch howitzer.

Posted by: maddogg at July 09, 2013 09:35 AM (OlN4e)

351 Anyone care to take a shot at "If a Baby Were a Tampon?"

Posted by: Thatch at July 09, 2013 09:35 AM (qYvEa)

352 Tomorrow you'll be composing bullshit poetry about how a father who never consented to be one is abandoning the responsibility of his child. You'll look me straight in the eye and tell me sexual activity involves responsibility, and implies an obligation to the child.

Then you'll stand up there with this number and say the decision to have a child is 100% the mother's  decision which takes place long after conception and is completely isolated from sexual activity, and never see a contradiction.

You'll say a woman has a right to remain fully fertile and brutally mutilate every child conceived while exploring her beautiful sexuality which is her right to do without consequence. And then tell me that male hetero-normative sexuality is brutal, ugly, oppressive and males who engage in it should be fully responsible for all of their unintended consequences.

You wonder why men lack commitment, are flippantly dismissive in this generation beyond any other about sexuality, responsibility and commitment. In essence adulthood. Take a good hard look in the mirror you've told them how to treat you by elevating your sexuality beyond the whole person. You've defined yourself as a vajayjay, and are oh-so-surprised when that's how you're treated. 

When sex is defined solely about you; Your wants and desires and not the biological imperative, nor the societal moral obligation, nor the idea of whole people who share a deeper connection than a pure physical "peg a to slot b repeat until OH-YAAAAA!" when that's all sex is, a selfish physical gratification, the desire to sacrifice for the greater whole concept vanishes. Civilizations that cross this gate rarely return. And all modern ones have shunted themselves into a demographic tale spin of death without life.

On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life
(Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)
Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "The Wages of Sin is Death."

Posted by: MikeTheMoose Laughing Maniacally While Throwing Matches. at July 09, 2013 09:36 AM (0q2P7)

353 If my vagina was a gun, Obama would still know nothing about it.

Posted by: Sardiver at July 09, 2013 09:37 AM (aZrqG)

354 Mine would hold 15 shots at once!

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at July 09, 2013 09:38 AM (aZrqG)

355

 MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at July 09, 2013 01:09 PM (4df7R)

 

OHHHHH MAAAAAN, Fucking EPIC!!!!!

 

Shit I haven't laughed that hard in days.

 

 

Posted by: Finn McCool at July 09, 2013 09:39 AM (xfPn3)

356 So, vagina thread next Sunday?

Posted by: Rule #2 at July 09, 2013 09:42 AM (eNk8l)

357

This is my Rifle this is my GUN!

This one's for fightin', this one's for Fun!

Posted by: R. Lee Ermey at July 09, 2013 09:49 AM (dSE0q)

358 Jolly Roger, was you in the 400thSMS?

Posted by: Minuteman at July 09, 2013 09:54 AM (dSE0q)

359 If her vagina was [sic] a gun, she'd face a mandatory minimum year in prison if she brought it into Massachusetts without the proper permits.

Posted by: JPS at July 09, 2013 09:56 AM (g11mv)

360 HEY LADY!! Get your vagina outta my wallet!

Posted by: Persnickety at July 09, 2013 09:57 AM (QuIdZ)

361 I hope that I will never see another poem by Ms. Katie. She needs to give vagina poetry a rest, because the quality was really not the best. A poetess for abortions beyond the 140th (?) day, "Oh, Lord, have mercy" we should probably pray. As far as poetry goes it was not even fair But vagina poetry is hopefully rare. Vagina poems are made by fools like she If written on paper it helped kill a tree.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 09:58 AM (7vPJI)

362 Dammit!  My gun is just filthy and not smooth at all! 

Posted by: Sandy Vagina at July 09, 2013 10:07 AM (6rnrc)

363 Vajayjays are not delicate After I'm done with it, you may want to reconsider those words... What?

Posted by: I R A Darth Aggie ® at July 09, 2013 10:08 AM (1hM1d)

364 A handsome young Cyborg named Ace, Wooed women at every base, But once ladies glanced at His special enhancement They vanished with nary a trace.

Posted by: I R A Darth Aggie ® at July 09, 2013 10:10 AM (1hM1d)

365 I just want to make sure I get credit for coining the term "smoking gun."

Posted by: Bill Clinton at July 09, 2013 10:10 AM (kZcNF)

366 If my vagina were a gun, it would be a 17th century blunderbuss.

Posted by: Helen Thomas's High-caliber Crotch at July 09, 2013 10:13 AM (OjM8s)

367 There once was a vag with a gun At first, it was all in good fun. When the clit got involved The chamber revolved And launched some lead in the bun.

Posted by: jakeman at July 09, 2013 10:13 AM (96M6e)

368 Has anyone asked,  "Can my gun be a vagina?"  Just curious.

Posted by: Dang at July 09, 2013 10:17 AM (Hx2XA)

369 Cease your mockery, you cretins. You know it's poetry, because it rhymes. The only tragedy is that she did not bother to rhyme the word, "vagina," with "North Carolina," or "angina," or "bone china," or "crested myna," or "Medina." But she's still a genius in spirit, if not in execution.

Posted by: Smallish Bees at July 09, 2013 10:17 AM (sCqqL)

370 I am desperately looking for a large caliber revolver!

(Can't believe we got near 400 without a revolver reference...)

Posted by: Parker at July 09, 2013 10:26 AM (YkW3i)

371 Happiness is a warm vagina.

Bang. Bang. Shoot. Shoot.

Posted by: John Lennon at July 09, 2013 10:29 AM (2hpna)

372 LOL Ms Katie so loves her vagina. Me I'd prefer visting North Carolina As far as the beauty of her vagina It's probably less attractive than a crested Myna. This Poetry in praise of a vagina was the equivalent of poetic angina

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at July 09, 2013 10:31 AM (7vPJI)

373
A twat is a wonderful creature - all matted and covered with hair.
It looks like the face of a preacher - and smells like the farts of a bear.

Posted by: Cheech And Chong at July 09, 2013 10:36 AM (Ul1S7)

374
If my vagina were a gun
I'd keep it in my drawer
I'd only draw it in dire need
When a man came through the door.

(to be sung to the tune of "Amazing Grace", or "Yankee Doodle", or "The Ballad of Gilligan's Island")

Posted by: Zombie Emily Dickinson at July 09, 2013 10:59 AM (VrNoa)

375 If my vagina were a gun, I could not live in Chicago or DC or NYC. If my vagina was a gun, other people, politicians and police would get to decide where it could be, how it could be used and if I really needed it.

Posted by: myrenovations at July 09, 2013 11:04 AM (FK0Tl)

376 Exactly what "rights" are being claimed for vaginas ? I'm totally confused. Are they NOT the same exact rights the human connected to the vagina has ?

Posted by: deadrody at July 09, 2013 11:35 AM (osIoP)

377 Where is the poem:  If my Baby was a gun?
If my baby was a gun, you would stand for its rights,
You would ride on buses and fight all the fights.
If my baby was a gun, you would treat it with care,
You wouldnÂ’t spill all its secrets because, well, why go there.
If my baby was a gun, youÂ’d say what it holds is private
From cold dead hands we could pry, you surely would riot.
If my baby was a gun, its rights would all be protected,
no matter the body count or the children affected.
If my baby was a gun, I could bypass security,
concealed carry laws would ensure IÂ’d have impunity.
If my baby was a gun, I wouldnÂ’t have to beg you,
I could hunt this great land and do all the things men do.
But my baby is not a gun, it is a mightier thing,
With a life that rings true making lawmakersÂ’ ears ring.
Babies are delicate, they feel pain and suffering,
So stop messing with mine, with legislation thatÂ’s tragic.
My baby's here to demand liberty from the source,
Listen to the voices of thousands or feel their full force.

Posted by: EagleHawk at July 09, 2013 11:45 AM (uHiz2)

378 319 Vogon vagina slam. Posted by: eleven at July 09, 2013 01:09 PM (KXm42) Beware of the leopard vagina.

Posted by: JS at July 09, 2013 12:09 PM (jNIQD)

379 So, then, schools are now vagina-free zones?

Posted by: PeggyU at July 09, 2013 12:13 PM (feldK)

380

If my vagina was a gun, I'd shoot da stupid tw*t

who think because they gots one, their poetry don't rot.

--------------------------------------------

When will we plumb the total depth of stupid?

Is it a truly bottomless pit?

Posted by: barbarausa at July 09, 2013 12:17 PM (WWeoI)

381 If vaginas were guns Liberals would ban:

-ovaries with capacity to produce more than 10 ova.
-ruffled labia, or clitoris over certain circumferences, fallopian tubes ("that thing that goes up")
-black vaginas, because black automagically makes things 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000x more deadly

Or it'd be a "military style assault vagina"

Posted by: Ranba Ral at July 09, 2013 01:03 PM (G99e4)

382 If your vagina were a gun, it would be a big bore.

Posted by: WaitingForMartel at July 09, 2013 01:12 PM (BYSrJ)

383 LMAO @378

Posted by: WaitingForMartel at July 09, 2013 01:14 PM (BYSrJ)

384 And then I clicked on the word continue and there was a video that shows it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, as if.

Posted by: bour3 at July 09, 2013 01:32 PM (5x3+2)

385 Is this an example of gun envy?

 

Posted by: CS at July 09, 2013 01:56 PM (z7PVg)

386

Well, technically . . .

If her vagina was a gun, she would want to have that panel heavily legislate when and where it could be "loaded", "discharged", "secured", "used", "concealed", and a whole bunch of other double entendres and spurious conflations of terms for egregiously prurient and intrusive government control purposes.

Just saying . . .

Posted by: Sam at July 09, 2013 02:03 PM (wZIgv)

387 If they were, maybe babies  in the womb  could use them as self-defense?

Posted by: Aslan's Girl at July 09, 2013 02:19 PM (KL49F)

388 If my vagina was a gun, then the clitoris would be the trigger.

Posted by: Not a hair trigger either at July 09, 2013 03:44 PM (nbGZj)

389 MWR, Still lmmfao over "flabias"... Well done, sir.

Posted by: SMFH at it all at July 09, 2013 04:02 PM (P7ej2)

390 If your vagina was a gun, you would be shooting yourself in the foot.

Posted by: Speller at July 09, 2013 04:07 PM (J74Py)

391 So the shot heard round the world was just a queef? History really blows. About those "hysterical" posts... describes how hard I was laughing.

Posted by: dcose at July 09, 2013 08:18 PM (Wk2A2)

392 Good grief. So Katie Heim is so stupid as to believe gun rights get more respect than abortion rights? In fact, if gun rights were respected as well as abortion rights, then we would see government subsidized machineguns provided to minors without parental consent!

Posted by: Brad at July 09, 2013 10:07 PM (UQtyV)

393 If my gun was a vagina I'd ... HEY, that sounds... ... ... Ok, can someone call an Ambulance? That idea wasn't nearly as clever as it initially sounded.

Posted by: gekkobear at July 10, 2013 11:21 AM (w/ZKO)

394 If a vagina were a gun, that gives a whole new meaning to the term "vaginal discharge"

Posted by: RightWingProf at July 16, 2013 08:11 AM (IC6Er)

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