Ace of Spades HQ

March 08, 2013

Dude Goes to Hospital With Rude Complaint
— Ace

"I've got a vibrating buttplug stuck in me.
Also, I think I'm going to kill myself."

Probably a stunt for attention (they did this in one of the Jackass movies, with a toy car up the butt), but whatever, here are the tweets and the X-ray if you're so inclined.

If you find this distasteful or not serious, I offer four excuses, preemptively. Select whichever one most appeals to you:

1. My assistant did it.

2. I was #hacked.

3. I was being satirical.

4. I'm a Democrat.

Via @tookiew

Ricer? I Didn't Even Know 'er: garret says a "friend" told him this story:

The best one I ever heard of was from an ER doc who had to pull a Potato Ricer out of a guy's ass.
The takeaway quote , "You'd think these guys would at least tie a string to it.".

Note to self: "String."

Posted by: Ace at 11:48 AM | Comments (161)
Post contains 162 words, total size 1 kb.

1 classy

Posted by: phoenixgirl at March 08, 2013 11:49 AM (GVxQo)

2 is that ashley or meghan?

Posted by: phoenixgirl at March 08, 2013 11:49 AM (GVxQo)

3 I was #hacked.

And how.

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at March 08, 2013 11:49 AM (/kI1Q)

4 Shame, what was that?

Posted by: zsasz at March 08, 2013 11:51 AM (MMC8r)

5 I will never look at bacon the same

Posted by: ceraphym at March 08, 2013 11:51 AM (laC4g)

6 Damn sequester.

Posted by: Real Joe at March 08, 2013 11:52 AM (9IuaI)

7 I'd go with #4.

Posted by: Sean Bannion at March 08, 2013 11:52 AM (sbV1u)

The best one I ever heard of was from an ER doc who had to pull a Potato Ricer out of a guy's ass.

The takeaway quote , "You'd think these guys would at least tie a string to it.".

Posted by: garrett at March 08, 2013 11:52 AM (2k7Fl)

9 Lucky he didn't fall on a potato like that one guy.

Posted by: huerfano at March 08, 2013 11:53 AM (bAGA/)

10 it was motivated by racial hatred or Â— as has been suggested Â— you were attempting a commentary on free speech.Â”

Posted by: Ice-T at March 08, 2013 11:53 AM (e8kgV)

The joys of EMTALA.

If he didn't have private insurance, or isn't billed fully for wasting their time...

We're DOOMED.

Posted by: Jake at March 08, 2013 11:54 AM (i3OIF)

12 This is disturbing on so many levels.

Posted by: locomotivebreath1901.blogspot.com at March 08, 2013 11:54 AM (7qVSn)

13 Million to one shot, Doc!

Posted by: Frank Costanza at March 08, 2013 11:54 AM (2k7Fl)

14 "I write for the Onion." Wait. That is so last week.

Posted by: Up and cummers #14 at March 08, 2013 11:54 AM (9sjmH)

Working in healthcare I can assure you that men come in to our ER with a variety of "items" up the wazoo.

Some more McCain bashing of Paul, etc.

Â“ItÂ’s always the wacko birds on right and left that get the media megaphone,Â” McCain told The Huffington Post in a story titled Â“John McCain: Getting Back To Maverick, With An Eye On Retirement.Â”

I am getting a full on hatred for this douche. Before he just disappointed & annoyed me - now it's personal.

Who uses the term 'wacko birds'??

Posted by: Cheri at March 08, 2013 11:54 AM (G+Wff)

16 Whenever I meet a doctor that either works in an ER or has done a recent stint in one, the first thing I always ask is "what's the weirdest thing you ever found in somebody's butt?"

But that's not the funny part - the funny part is that they _always_ answer me seriously and run through a full list of objects they've extracted from people's keisters.

Posted by: h00v3r at March 08, 2013 11:54 AM (yIReR)

17 Do not apologize to the Zionists for posting this!!

Posted by: Lizzy at March 08, 2013 11:54 AM (QEUX+)

18 Here's one case where the "I think I just shit myself" gag would not also work.

Posted by: Waterhouse at March 08, 2013 11:55 AM (vBSha)

19 You find a proctologist at a party, you stay right there next to him.

Posted by: Cosmo Kramer at March 08, 2013 11:55 AM (2k7Fl)

20 Who uses the term 'wacko birds'?? Posted by: Cheri at March 08, 2013 03:54 PM

Old, out of touch, has beens who can't get it up to give a shit anymore?

Posted by: huerfano at March 08, 2013 11:55 AM (bAGA/)

21 "My name is Paul Krugman"

Posted by: TexBob at March 08, 2013 11:56 AM (5Wx2B)

22 Why are we talking about trivial shit like this when the White House Easter egg hunt is about to be cancelled?

Posted by: Cicero, Semiautomatic Assault Commenter at March 08, 2013 11:56 AM (OgI54)

Some more McCain bashing of Paul, etc.
Â“ItÂ’s always the wacko birds on right and left that get the media megaphone,Â” McCain told The Huffington Post in a story titled Â“John McCain: Getting Back To Maverick, With An Eye On Retirement.Â”
I am getting a full on hatred for this douche. Before he just disappointed annoyed me - now it's personal.
Who uses the term 'wacko birds'??

Posted by: Cheri at March 08, 2013 03:54 PM (G+Wff)

Says the guy that's constantly holding the media megaphone...

Posted by: mugiwara at March 08, 2013 11:56 AM (W7ffl)

24 Lucky he didn't fall on a potato like that one guy.

Posted by: huerfano

Too funny! A friend of mine was a paramedic in Los Angeles. One time they went to a call to find a naked man with a cucumber up his wazoo.

His story was that he was just putting away groceries and fell on the cucumber.

Okaaaayyyyy

Posted by: Cheri at March 08, 2013 11:56 AM (G+Wff)

25 "I'm Richard Gere."

Posted by: Dr. Varno at March 08, 2013 11:57 AM (xSoLn)

26 Note to self: "String.">>

Just to be safe use Paracord.

Posted by: Buzzsaw at March 08, 2013 11:58 AM (81UWZ)

27 Damn. I hope he at least got the reach around.

Posted by: OldSailor88 at March 08, 2013 11:58 AM (2oNjs)

28 Who knew pigs could talk?

Posted by: The Gecko at March 08, 2013 11:58 AM (4Mv1T)

29 I think ace was #hacked you guys. @&

Posted by: eleven at March 08, 2013 11:58 AM (fsLdt)

30 Juan Williams hardest hit.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, who did not vote for this shit at March 08, 2013 11:58 AM (+z4pE)

31 end of society

Posted by: MJH at March 08, 2013 11:59 AM (7QQQK)

32
classy

Sounds like someone is beggin to be sent to the corn field.

Posted by: soothsayer at March 08, 2013 11:59 AM (KeUXz)

33 But that's not the funny part - the funny part is that they _always_ answer me seriously and run through a full list of objects they've extracted from people's keisters.

Next time I'm having a beer with my dad I'll have to ask just to mortify my mother.

In polite company, he has a list of things he's removed from the nostrils of children. Who looks at a Lego and thinks "I wonder what that feels like up my schnozz?"

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at March 08, 2013 11:59 AM (/kI1Q)

34 Man getting hit by football! Man getting hit by football!

Posted by: Homer J. Simpson at March 08, 2013 11:59 AM (W7ffl)

35 What the hell? Do you know how BIG--a-- potato ricer is? Honest to gawd. Maybe there was a gerbil in it.

Posted by: tasker at March 08, 2013 11:59 AM (r2PLg)

36 Doc, I got a Wacko Bird up my keister!

Posted by: John McCain at March 08, 2013 12:00 PM (j2lYi)

Nice, Ace.

Posted by: garrett at March 08, 2013 12:00 PM (2k7Fl)

38 He could've just blamed it on his ass-istant.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at March 08, 2013 12:00 PM (xSoLn)

39 What kind of moron is so desperate for attention that they have to blog this medical experience to people they don't know? I wouldn't even want to admit it to people I DID know-if I had ever been in that situation-which I haven't-and don't intend to be.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at March 08, 2013 12:00 PM (g7q64)

40 The first thing I think about when I get a new kitchen utensil is how will it feel up my ass?

Posted by: Cicero, Semiautomatic Assault Commenter at March 08, 2013 12:00 PM (OgI54)

41 Saw an X-ray once that a FP had from his residency days - dude had somehow shoved a lightbulb up his squeakhole and it was intact... film showed it in one piece and you could see the filament... surgeon was able to take it out in one piece.

Had a Naval Aviator show up from a carrier on deployment in the ER... said that he had gotten out of the shower and sat down on is bunk...and on top of a racketball that somehow found its way up the old squeakhole...he was embarrassed when the squadron CO came by to see how he was doing after surgery

Posted by: Mjölnir, Banhammer from the gates of Hell at March 08, 2013 12:01 PM (Jls4P)

42
Nice, Ace.

You tone is a bit iffy.

Corn field?

Posted by: soothsayer at March 08, 2013 12:01 PM (KeUXz)

43 Nobody wants to admit that they stuck something up there.

Posted by: Cosmo Kramer at March 08, 2013 12:01 PM (2k7Fl)

44 Sandra Fluke uses string with all of her boyfriends

Posted by: Roy at March 08, 2013 12:01 PM (VndSC)

45 Interesting how Beyonce always seems to surround herself with chicks that are a full three points below her. I find this woman tiresome.

Posted by: eleven at March 08, 2013 12:01 PM (fsLdt)

46 "We wuzz just wrestling, and I fell on him, honest"

-Things heard in Greek ER.

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at March 08, 2013 12:02 PM (iZP3p)

47 There was this one time, at blog camp...

Posted by: Brother Cavil, the future Pope Ampersand I at March 08, 2013 12:02 PM (fMiHM)

48 Barack Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a malignant traitor.

Posted by: AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) Channelling Breitbart at March 08, 2013 12:02 PM (xN73L)

49 I just plagiarized that whole potato ricer up the butt thing.

Posted by: Juan Williams at March 08, 2013 12:02 PM (j2lYi)

50 Buddy is an ER doc. Worst he ever had was a dude who came in with a cigar case he'd shoved up his ass. A glass cigar case. Which had broken inside his rectum. It is .. suboptimal, from a health perspective, to have shards of glass in your rectum.

Posted by: Flatbush Joe at March 08, 2013 12:02 PM (ZPrif)

51 Obama went to the doctor and found that he had the media stuck up his ass.

Posted by: polynikes at March 08, 2013 12:02 PM (m2CN7)

52 If you work in an ER, it's not that uncommon. I remember a junior baby food jar stuck in a woman's va jay jay. She drove a long distance to avoid being treated in her home city. Then there was the guy who stuck that piece of plastic you see on the end of blind cords up his urethra. Toothbrushes are common, too. I wonder if it falls under compulsive/obessive disorders.

Posted by: Bubba from County at March 08, 2013 12:02 PM (3VhRQ)

#36 -

Why are we talking about trivial shit like this when the White House Easter egg hunt is about to be cancelled?

Posted by: Cicero, Semiautomatic Assault Commenter

Yet somehow the SIFS (sky is falling sequester) didn't stop 2 democrat reps going to Venezuela for the Chavez funeral on the tax payers dime. I'm sure there won't be missed golf games either.

Posted by: Cheri at March 08, 2013 12:03 PM (G+Wff)

54 Texan morons should be making some calls to y'all's Board of Regents.

Daily Texan editor Susannah Jacob denounced the attempt to tell the stories of victimized women and children as Â“hatefulÂ”, and as Â“an unspoken incitement to violence.Â”

http://is.gd/SccxNw

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at March 08, 2013 12:03 PM (/kI1Q)

55 Are American potato ricers as big as Canadian potato ricers...? Holy shit.

Posted by: tasker at March 08, 2013 12:03 PM (r2PLg)

56 Uh...what's a potato ricer?

Posted by: wheatie at March 08, 2013 12:03 PM (Jjnh4)

57 "This chick with no forehead has been following me around all day. I can't take it anymore. I have to confront her, and I think it might get phyisical. Can you back me up? ...You're a woman, right?"

Posted by: oblig. at March 08, 2013 12:03 PM (cePv8)

58 Nephew told me they had a man come in to the ER, in New Orleans, with a nerf football stuck up his butt. When ever the Doctors would walk past his room they would cry "Hut, hut....hut".

Posted by: Javems at March 08, 2013 12:03 PM (nTgAI)

59 >>>44 Sandra Fluke uses string with all of her boyfriends Enforcing the flashlight helmet rule has also saved many lives.

Posted by: Cicero, Semiautomatic Assault Commenter at March 08, 2013 12:03 PM (OgI54)

60 What about that lady who tried to smuggle a loaded 9mm pistol in her vagina into a prison?

Posted by: Bubba from County at March 08, 2013 12:04 PM (3VhRQ)

61 I just googled potato ricer. Serious you guy?

Posted by: Muad'dib at March 08, 2013 12:04 PM (KjlbF)

62 In French Canada--you can put five average potatoes in 'em.

Posted by: tasker at March 08, 2013 12:04 PM (r2PLg)

63 Don't hospital employees refer to these as Code Brown?

Posted by: Dr. Varno at March 08, 2013 12:04 PM (xSoLn)

64 And here's a non sexual ER experience. A friend of mine was injured while performing in "Henry V". He arrived at the ER in full costume and in makeup and they asked him, "Where did this happen?" He said -without batting an eye-"Battle of Agincourt" which I thought showed a remarkable sense of humor since he was in considerable pain

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at March 08, 2013 12:05 PM (g7q64)

>>>It is .. suboptimal, from a health perspective, to have shards of glass in your rectum.

It isa good way to dissuade an ass rapist.

Posted by: Colorado Democrat at March 08, 2013 12:05 PM (etoPX)

66 I used to be an ER doc and the best one I heard was when we had to call in a surgeon because a tiny bottle had gone too deep. I asked the female surgeon later what it was and she said it was a perfume bottle: "Charlie", and she had already recognized it down in the ER by its fragrance during her exam.

Posted by: Daybrother at March 08, 2013 12:05 PM (+paCV)

67 Potato Ricer

http://preview.tinyurl.com/bebdeog

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at March 08, 2013 12:05 PM (iZP3p)

68 Yet another one of mine makes the blog. Damn, I'm good.

And that part where I inserted, "1. My assistant did it."? I'm going meta right under my boss' nose.

Posted by: Ace's Assistant at March 08, 2013 12:05 PM (eHIJJ)

69 Yeah, lefty women are full of shit. It's like hwo Tammy Bruce tells how NOW would not condemn OJ because he was black.

Posted by: Bubba from County at March 08, 2013 12:06 PM (3VhRQ)

70 @ 52 I'm a toothbrush for chrissake! A toothbrush!!! Other end! Dear God!!! Otherrrr endddd!!!! Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmph!

Posted by: naturalfake at March 08, 2013 12:06 PM (j2lYi)

71 Curious finally got that looked at?

Posted by: AuthorLMendez at March 08, 2013 12:06 PM (yAor6)

72 Dimensions: 10.6 inches high x 3.9 inches wide x 3.9 inches deep

Hrm.

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at March 08, 2013 12:06 PM (/kI1Q)

73 This post needs one of those Archer clips - flashback to his childhood "experimentation" with the vacuum cleaner.

Posted by: wooga at March 08, 2013 12:06 PM (TMpOq)

Dear Seinfeld New Yorker Pig,

It's okay. If I had to tell someone that I had a vibrating butt plug inside me that I couldn't get out, I'd want to kill myself, too.

Actually, I'd probably just skip the talking part and go right to the suicide.

Sincerely,

MWR

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/i][/u][/b] at March 08, 2013 12:06 PM (4df7R)

75 >>>I asked the female surgeon later what it was and she said it was a perfume bottle: "Charlie", and she had already recognized it down in the ER by its fragrance during her exam. Charlie. The one that smells just like shit.

Posted by: Cicero, Semiautomatic Assault Commenter at March 08, 2013 12:06 PM (OgI54)

>>up his urethra. Toothbrushes are common, too.

How else you gonna brush your teeth without using your hands.

Posted by: Ron Jeremy at March 08, 2013 12:07 PM (etoPX)

77 As a Exception Review expert for BCBS (that is, we looked at people's claims histories to see if they were being treated for things which were specifically excluded by their benefits. Things such as medical (non cessation) treatment for Drugs or Alcohol, etc.), I got to read a lot of medical records. Some of them were downright disturbing. Some of them were hilarious. I still can't forget the dude who OD'd (as in: required medical treatment to make sure he didn't die) on MJ. Yes. Really.

Posted by: AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) Channelling Breitbart at March 08, 2013 12:07 PM (xN73L)

78
Yeah, I think its fake.

But it reminds me of Graham and McCain partying with Obama.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at March 08, 2013 12:07 PM (p/cQy)

79 Speaking of men doing stupid shit!

Posted by: Heralder at March 08, 2013 12:07 PM (+xmn4)

80 Wow, this makes my "immersion blender" incident look like nothing.

Posted by: taylork at March 08, 2013 12:07 PM (ppNDn)

81 I'm not sure everybody is using the same definition of wazoo. Are we talking squeaker or dillhole?

Posted by: Flatbush Joe at March 08, 2013 12:07 PM (ZPrif)

82 Working in healthcare I can assure you that men come in to our ER with a variety of "items" up the wazoo.

Posted by: Cheri at March 08, 2013 03:54 PM (G+Wff)

as someone who has a couple of years being a paramedic in his history, I wholly agree. Sadly I never got to go on any of those calls though

Posted by: The Dude at March 08, 2013 12:08 PM (vJdyz)

83 Dear Seinfeld New Yorker Pig, Actually, I'd probably just skip the talking part and go right to the suicide. Sincerely, MWR Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at March 08, 2013 04:06 PM (4df7R)

But then you would not be suitably ironic.

And therefore....quite lame.

Posted by: Jerry Seinfeld at March 08, 2013 12:08 PM (sbV1u)

Combining the last thread and this thread, Scrubs had an episode where one of the hospital's big donor's son came into the ER with a light bulb up his butt and the hospital chief wanted to keep it on the down low. Dr. Cox said this to him:

"I'll tell you what Bobo, either that kid has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea."

Man I miss Scrubs.

Posted by: polynikes at March 08, 2013 12:08 PM (m2CN7)

85 You guys play poker?

Posted by: Edward II at March 08, 2013 12:09 PM (OgI54)

86 I don't like where this is all going one bit.

Posted by: Fusilli Jerry at March 08, 2013 12:09 PM (eHIJJ)

87 Years ago I had a friend in med school who enjoyed regaling us with tales of various butt extractions. While interning, he assisted in removing a shaved, declawed gerbil from a rectum. Up till then, I had always thought the shaved, declawed gerbil thing was an urban legend. Nope. He showed us the x-rays.

Posted by: BlueStateRebel at March 08, 2013 12:09 PM (7ObY1)

88 Potato ricer = Irish kid in a lowered Toyota Supra.

Posted by: wooga at March 08, 2013 12:09 PM (TMpOq)

89 I might be in the minority (or singularity), but I really like the Single Ladies song ... it's just catchy

The ladies look mighty fine in that video too

Posted by: kbdabear at March 08, 2013 12:09 PM (mCvL4)

90 The sexual subculture of jamming things up any available orifice is a good example of the type of thing I was unaware of before the internet.

Posted by: Flatbush Joe at March 08, 2013 12:09 PM (ZPrif)

I'm not sure everybody is using the same definition of wazoo. Are we talking squeaker or dillhole?

I prefer the later to the former, myself.

Posted by: Fusili Jerry at March 08, 2013 12:09 PM (etoPX)

92 Oh, and as for "Single Ladies": I didn't like that song too much in the first place. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. Then I heard it on Kids Bop. There is something fundamentally disturbing about children saying "I can go out and be promiscuous because you wouldn't propose to me."

Posted by: AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) Channelling Breitbart at March 08, 2013 12:09 PM (xN73L)

93 Amateurs...

Posted by: Goatse at March 08, 2013 12:10 PM (XvHmy)

94 VIA House says Wazoo = squeek hole= pineapple repository

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at March 08, 2013 12:10 PM (iZP3p)

95 Where the hell does garrett live? The butt holes--must be bigger.

Posted by: tasker at March 08, 2013 12:10 PM (r2PLg)

96 Sorry. My grocery chute is one way only. OUT.

Posted by: rickb223 at March 08, 2013 12:10 PM (GFM2b)

97 Anybody seen my potato ricer?

Posted by: Michelle Obama at March 08, 2013 12:10 PM (OgI54)

98 Then I heard it on Kids Bop. There is something fundamentally disturbing about children saying "I can go out and be promiscuous because you wouldn't propose to me." I kind of love Kids Bop for exactly that reason.

Posted by: Ian S. at March 08, 2013 12:10 PM (B/VB5)

99 Are American potato ricers as big as Canadian potato ricers...?

Holy shit.

Posted by: tasker at March 08, 2013 04:03 PM (r2PLg)

--------------------------------------------

TX potato ricers are the biggest of all. Ask any Texan.

Posted by: Soona at March 08, 2013 12:10 PM (6wNkQ)

100 It's an exit, not an entrance, You Guys.

Posted by: jakeman at March 08, 2013 12:10 PM (96M6e)

101

>>Up till then, I had always thought the shaved, declawed gerbil thing was an urban legend. Nope. He showed us the x-rays.

I'm so embarassed!

Posted by: Lemmiwinks at March 08, 2013 12:10 PM (etoPX)

102 NT already up guys. Ace just refuses to let us have conversations

Posted by: AuthorLMendez at March 08, 2013 12:11 PM (yAor6)

103 87 Years ago I had a friend in med school who enjoyed regaling us with tales of various butt extractions. While interning, he assisted in removing a shaved, declawed gerbil from a rectum. Up till then, I had always thought the shaved, declawed gerbil thing was an urban legend. Nope. He showed us the x-rays. Posted by: BlueStateRebel at March 08, 2013 04:09 PM (7ObY1) ____________________ Could have been a weasel.

Posted by: tasker at March 08, 2013 12:11 PM (r2PLg)

104 There's a fragrance that's will not pass, and they call it Â— Charlie! A different fragrance that up your ass, and they call it Â– Charlie! Kinda young, kinda now, Charlie! Kinda free, kinda wow! Charlie! The kind of fragrance that's gonna stay, and it's stuck now Â— Charlie!

Posted by: Charley! at March 08, 2013 12:11 PM (j2lYi)

105 89I might be in the minority (or singularity), but I really like the Single Ladies song ... it's just catchy

The ladies look mighty fine in that video too

Posted by: kbdabear at March 08, 2013 04:09 PM (mCvL4)

Yes catchy. Like an oft repeated breeze, or you know, a fucking hammer hitting me in the temple over and over and over and over again. Fuck, write more than 4 lyrics. That goes for you too, Rhianna.

Posted by: Heralder at March 08, 2013 12:12 PM (+xmn4)

106 Don't even think about it.

Posted by: A Porcupine at March 08, 2013 12:12 PM (OgI54)

107

[iThen I heard it on Kids Bop. There is something fundamentally disturbing about children saying "I can go out and be promiscuous because you wouldn't propose to me."[/i]

This is one of those things I don't get. The few times I turn my radio off of classic rock or sports/talk AM and actually listen to pop music, it's all so full of sex and innuendo that I don't know how they can even MAKE "Kids Bop" albums anymore.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/i][/u][/b] at March 08, 2013 12:12 PM (4df7R)

108 64 And here's a non sexual ER experience. A friend of mine was injured while performing in "Henry V". He arrived at the ER in full costume and in makeup and they asked him, "Where did this happen?" He said -without batting an eye-"Battle of Agincourt" which I thought showed a remarkable sense of humor since he was in considerable pain Good thing he wasn't appearing in A Midsummer Night's Dream! "I was injured in the magical fairy forest." (I kid, that hysterical play-within-a-play at the end of "Dream" is one of the funniest damn things ever written.)

Posted by: BlueStateRebel at March 08, 2013 12:12 PM (7ObY1)

109 TX potato ricers are the biggest of all. Ask any Texan. Posted by: Soona at March 08, 2013 04:10 PM (6wNkQ) ____________ LOL! Hey I did two stints in Norman--so I know what you are doing. Sooners!

Posted by: tasker at March 08, 2013 12:12 PM (r2PLg)

110 Potato ricers up the squeakhole, handguns in the cooter, life in the ER must be a laugh riot. By the way I was telling a nurse friend about how when I had appendicitis and drove myself to the hospital I changed from pajamas to jeans before I left. Her response was, "You think that someone coming into ER in pajamas is the worst thing we see?"

Posted by: nerdygirl at March 08, 2013 12:13 PM (2sRDT)

111 Lemmiwinks, well played. Ahead of you lies adventure!

Posted by: jakeman at March 08, 2013 12:13 PM (96M6e)

112 Yes catchy. Like an oft repeated breeze, or you know, a fucking hammer hitting me in the temple over and over and over and over again. Fuck, write more than 4 lyrics. That goes for you too, Rhianna.

Posted by: Heralder at March 08, 2013 04:12 PM (+xmn4)

If I have to hear that damn "shine bright like a diamond" song on the radio one more time, I am going to find Rihanna and punch her in the throat.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/i][/u][/b] at March 08, 2013 12:13 PM (4df7R)

113 Is removing a vibrating dildo covered under Barry Care?

Posted by: TheQuietMan at March 08, 2013 12:14 PM (1Jaio)

114 I kind of love Kids Bop for exactly that reason.

Posted by: Ian S. at March 08, 2013 04:10 PM (B/VB5)

if you like that, Kids of Widney High should be on your list to download

Posted by: The Dude at March 08, 2013 12:14 PM (vJdyz)

115 "Right in the browhore!"

Posted by: Eddie Murphey (as as Asian) at March 08, 2013 12:14 PM (GG+1M)

116 And it's very fun to perform in and direct too.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at March 08, 2013 12:15 PM (g7q64)

117 Charlie. The one that smells just like shit. Posted by: Cicero, Semiautomatic Assault Commenter Yeah. That was the running joke for a month at least, "That patient smells like Charlie." etc.

Posted by: Daybrother at March 08, 2013 12:15 PM (+paCV)

118 This is one of those things I don't get. The few times I turn my radio off of classic rock or sports/talk AM and actually listen to pop music, it's all so full of sex and innuendo that I don't know how they can even MAKE "Kids Bop" albums anymore.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at March 08, 2013 04:12 PM (4df7R)

then you haven't been paying attention to pop music in the last oh 60-70 years or so

Posted by: The Dude at March 08, 2013 12:15 PM (vJdyz)

119 If I have to hear that damn "shine bright like a diamond" song on the radio one more time, I am going to find Rihanna and punch her in the throat.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at March 08, 2013 04:13 PM (4df7R)

I'll hold your purse and martini.

Posted by: Heralder at March 08, 2013 12:15 PM (+xmn4)

120 If I were his doctor I would pretend that I didn't see a thing. In fact, I would have a "normal" x-ray on standby to show the patient on any such occassion. Nope, nothing there. Bye.

Posted by: somebody else, not me at March 08, 2013 12:16 PM (nZvGM)

121 Never a problem.

Posted by: Goatse at March 08, 2013 12:16 PM (mETGQ)

122 soooo... you guys want to talk more about putting things in the butt? No judgments, no judgments, just clarifying.

Posted by: ace at March 08, 2013 12:17 PM (LCRYB)

123 If I have to hear that damn "shine bright like a diamond" song on the radio one more time, I am going to find Rihanna and punch her in the throat.

Rihanna actually didn't write that song so you'd be going after the wrong person

Posted by: AuthorLMendez at March 08, 2013 12:17 PM (yAor6)

124

The potato ricer incident took place in a Missoula, Montana ER.

I am pretty sure the guy was a frequent flyer.

Posted by: garrett at March 08, 2013 12:17 PM (etoPX)

125 I have seen a polaroid of an x-ray where someone had a glass Coke bottle stuch in their rear.

Posted by: Tilikum the Killer Assault Whale at March 08, 2013 12:17 PM (uhftQ)

126 "20 Who uses the term 'wacko birds'?? Posted by: Cheri at March 08, 2013 03:54 PM" The kind of weak presidential candidate who couldn't get through 3 days of campaigning without apologizing for something. I liked Romney better than McCain for the simple reason that he didn't spend his entire campaign down on his knees.

Posted by: nerdygirl at March 08, 2013 12:18 PM (2sRDT)

127 soooo... you guys want to talk more about putting things in the butt? No judgments, no judgments, just clarifying. Posted by: ace Uhhh......who started it?

Posted by: Daybrother at March 08, 2013 12:18 PM (+paCV)

128 Don't even think of putting me there, Morons

Posted by: Honey Badger at March 08, 2013 12:18 PM (Jls4P)

129 soooo... you guys want to talk more about putting things in the butt?

No judgments, no judgments, just clarifying.

Posted by: ace at March 08, 2013 04:17 PM (LCRYB)

not unless it's a live octopus or a rolling pin

Posted by: The Dude at March 08, 2013 12:18 PM (vJdyz)

130

>>No judgments, no judgments, just clarifying.

The 'note to self' bit was most excellent.

Posted by: garrett at March 08, 2013 12:18 PM (etoPX)

131 Do we need to issue a memo clarifying our stance on butt rape?

Posted by: Holder & Company at March 08, 2013 12:18 PM (wsGWu)

132 Rihanna actually didn't write that song so you'd be going after the wrong person

Posted by: AuthorLMendez at March 08, 2013 04:17 PM (yAor6)

No no, it would be Rihanna. The song is annoying as hell, but the way she pronounces just that line - "shine bright like a diamond" -- is what makes my ears bleed.

Rihanna is one of those love/hate artists for me. I either love her songs or hate them. There's little in between.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/i][/u][/b] at March 08, 2013 12:20 PM (4df7R)

133 Is removing a vibrating dildo covered under Barry Care?

Posted by: TheQuietMan at March 08, 2013 04:14 PM (1Jaio)

What do you think!? I've had it done to me three times in the last month

Posted by: Reggie Love at March 08, 2013 12:20 PM (Jls4P)

134 122 soooo... you guys want to talk more about putting things in the butt? What, what?

Posted by: eleven at March 08, 2013 12:21 PM (fsLdt)

135

"20 Who uses the term 'wacko birds'??

Posted by: Cheri at March 08, 2013 03:54 PM"

The same guy who would use the term "hobbit" in a derogatory fashion.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit [/i][/u][/b] at March 08, 2013 12:21 PM (4df7R)

136 Rihanna is one of those love/hate artists for me. I either love her songs or hate them. There's little in between.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Hobbit at March 08, 2013 04:20 PM (4df7R)

I only feel hate. Tooooooo much repetition repetition repetition repetition Tooooooo much repetition I only feel hate hate hate hate.

Posted by: Heralder at March 08, 2013 12:23 PM (+xmn4)

137 then you haven't been paying attention to pop music in the last oh 60-70 years or so

Lol. Show me the Top Ten single from 1953 with lyrics like "bend over, let me stick it in you."

You can't, because it doesn't exist.

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at March 08, 2013 12:23 PM (/kI1Q)

138 Uhhh......who started it?

He was #hacked.

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ needs a beer at March 08, 2013 12:24 PM (/kI1Q)

139

>>You can't, because it doesn't exist.

Try checking out some old Bessie Smith. THey were singing about that shit in the 20's and 30's.

Posted by: garrett at March 08, 2013 12:26 PM (etoPX)

140

Posted by: HeatherRadishÂ™ needs a beer at March 08, 2013 04:23 PM (/kI1Q)

that is a different case than what MWR said. Language has changed (till the late 80's it was mostly innuendo) but pop music since the 50's have been filled with talking about sex

Posted by: The Dude at March 08, 2013 12:28 PM (vJdyz)

141 So the happy ending is that it didn't burrow into his abdomen like the live eel?

Posted by: Fritz at March 08, 2013 12:31 PM (WM+rJ)

142

In Radiology school....XRay of a ball peen hammer stuck in there, handle out.

Some tricky clutch work, there, driving to the hospital.

Posted by: thesgm at March 08, 2013 12:31 PM (T0dFH)

143 Howard Stern show once had a story of a guy who comes into an emergency room complaining of severe abdominal pains. It turns out the guy had a peanut butter jar up his butt. How did it get there? Oh, he was taking a shower with his dog and he slipped and fell.
They had a hard time getting the jar out, too, because when the docs tried to pull it out, a vacuum was created... oh the things I used to learn before Stern went to satellite...

Posted by: mallfly at March 08, 2013 12:34 PM (bJm7W)

144 Having a vibrating dildo stuck in your ass is just like being raped.

Wait, it really is like being raped! Or so I would imagine.

Posted by: Marmo at March 08, 2013 12:38 PM (QW+AD)

145 "113 Is removing a vibrating dildo covered under Barry Care?" They cover removing them. And implanting them. My doctor just implanted a 1967 Sunbear mixer in my rectum. And no co-pay fee! I want to thank all my fellow-Americans for making this possible.

Posted by: TooCon at March 08, 2013 12:48 PM (f+yEj)

146 139
>>You can't, because it doesn't exist.
Try checking out some old Bessie Smith. THey were singing about that shit in the 20's and 30's.

Posted by: garrett at March 08, 2013 04:26 PM (etoPX)

I would like to submit Clarence Carter on behalf of the defendant y'honor.

And clicky nic for #OpenOurWH trend - Eric Bolling and Sean Hannity offer to pay for White House tours

Posted by: Cold Rage at March 08, 2013 12:53 PM (I5MWJ)

147 OK I own not one, but two, potato ricers. It's actually a larger item than I'd feel comfortable in(ohoh hacked)serting anywhere. what kind of wacko birds are we raising these days, anyhow?

Posted by: glide55 at March 08, 2013 01:02 PM (Z2aee)

148 I grew up in some serious bible belt cowboy and redneck country. I'll never forget the night that the Sportscaster ended up in the ER to have his Hamster "removed" .... It was the same night of a huge rodeo and several cowboys ended up in the ER due to more manly pursuits.... I heard it was quite awkward - of course, that was the first time I'd ever known that people did things like that!

Posted by: 2nd Amendment Mother at March 08, 2013 01:17 PM (L4CWX)

149

Ace's complaint:

I have ingested great gobs of rich, frothy horse jism, I'm having a bad reaction as a result of Obama's re-election in November, and it's seeping into my bloodstream and causing me to regurgitate horse cum when I think about how ineffectual my political postion is in the wake of Obama's victory, and the insignificance of my website. Can I get a blood transfusion, or should I just go and fucking kill myself already?

Posted by: Ace's Horse Cum Complaint at March 08, 2013 01:18 PM (XVKkD)

150 Whenever I need a pick-me-up, I Google up this classic thread from the Student Doctor Network Forums: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=257985

That's where I first learned that SOCMOB ("Standing On Corner, Minding Own Business") is a very, very dangerous thing to do. Learn It. Know It. Live It.

Posted by: Dodd at March 08, 2013 01:33 PM (1Fg31)

151 A Beyonce came out of my ass once...........

Posted by: SOMEASSHOLESTOLEMYPEN at March 08, 2013 01:45 PM (wlLm8)

152 It's an EXIT hole people! An EXIT hole.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at March 08, 2013 01:47 PM (bGG6f)

153 "152 It's an EXIT hole people!" Stop being so judgmental. In, out, it's nothing more than a matter of semantics.

Posted by: TooCon at March 08, 2013 01:49 PM (f+yEj)

154

I'd be remiss if I didn't contribute something to this discussion.

I work in a hospital, and one evening a man came into the ER with a cue ball stuck up his butt.

At shift change, I informed my female co-worker and she said, without missing a beat, "THAT GUY? He was in here two weeks ago for the SAME THING."

I try not to judge, but at least use something that has a handle...

We also had an elderly gentleman who inserted a sewing needle into his penis to acheive a necessary level of stimulation. One night, during his performance, he became overly zealous and the needle snapped in half...

Can anyone top that?

Posted by: Old Tom at March 08, 2013 02:01 PM (dnnsp)

155 Ace You left off one excuse #5. Faulty Algorithm

Posted by: Deliriumtremens at March 08, 2013 02:33 PM (49lPc)

156 Mom, these potatoes taste like crap.

Posted by: ...and the next day. at March 08, 2013 02:40 PM (sH+Xt)

157 And people are amazed why God is one step away from destroying the earth.

Posted by: Marcus at March 08, 2013 03:21 PM (SKXl2)

158 Late to the party, but my contribution is helping out with an AC Delco shock absorber that got stuck. I cannot WAIT for my ER rotations. A buddy of mine's wife was doing her ER rotation at Charity in New Orleans during Southern Decadence (the gay Mardi Gras) and had to help pull an outdoor floodlight bulb out of a guys. Everyone was singing "Turn on your heart light" for days...

Posted by: tmi3rd at March 08, 2013 03:51 PM (cxomr)

159 "Stick a gerbil up my butt, but for gawd's sake ... tie a string to its tail."

Posted by: Richard Gere at March 08, 2013 07:08 PM (dM1NM)

160 My neighbor is an ER nurse. Her favorite story about a patient who "came to a bad end" was a man who wanted to play some horseshoes. He had a rebar for the pole and a 2x4 for a hammer. After he failed to pound the pole into the ground, he had the brilliant idea to put the 2x4 on top of the pole and use his rear end as a pile driver. He split the 2x4 and "tore himself a new one" and came to the hospital with a board nailed to his rear end. The man complained that it took too long to get his injury attended to, but it took a while to get every employee in the hospital to causually walk by, get an eyeful, and then get out of his line of sight before laughing hysterically.

Posted by: LostHusker at March 08, 2013 08:07 PM (kh78U)

161 This is obviously a bigger problem than I thought and is perpetuated by a very large group in our society, known as "low information voters" who have voted for and promote socialized medicine. This type of behavior will only get worse as this group takes over the country and puts more strain on a soon to be over burden system that they will crush. But there is an out for this problem... I have only just begun to understand the need for "death panels".

Posted by: GregGS at March 09, 2013 05:58 AM (BtzrN)

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