July 28, 2013

Goin' Back to Peruvia
— Ace

Well, we got 624 comments out of it last night and L,Elle says she missed it so I'll post it again.

Long story short, this is Touré sagely pronouncing George Zimmerman not Hispanic, because, you see, he's Peruvian-American.

Which is not Hispanic.

By the way, let's not let the talking stool specimen Martin Bashir off the hook. He doesn't question it and seems on board with the whole "Peruvia" idea.

As I wrote, this raises the indescribably delicious questions, "Where does Touré believe Peru is located, and what language does he think is spoken there?"

I wish I could see the world through his dumb-stupid eyes. What a wondrously moronic sight that would be.

Peruvia

Hidden high in sparking snow of the Bavarian Alps, this vibrant and diverse country is famed for making goose sausage, torch-skiing at night, and baffling simpletons on MSNBC.

Peruvia, you should know, is not the sort of country you want to visit; their national flag is just a cellphone picture of five drunken Peruvian thugs beating the shit out of a lost and terrified Belgian motorist. Their national motto is "Learn to Read a Map, Pierre."

The mountain Peruvia sits atop is now called "The Peaceful Alp," because they raided the mountain that was originally called "The Peaceful Alp," murdered them all, and stole their sign.

This is the National Anthem of Peruvia.

#Peruvia even became a trending topic on Twitter and Twitchy rounded up some facts about the country.

Oh, hat-tip to Seamus M. on this: My joke was originally about the Peruvian language, and the joke was really strained, but he just cut to the chase and spoke of "Peruvia," which I realized was a much easier thing to joke about, an entire country rather than one (Touré-invented) language.

This is probably a well-beaten horse by now, but if anyone wants to share Cool Facts about Touré's favorite fictitious country, here ya go. And remember, as they say in Peruvia: "Better to live in Peruvia than to murder in Belgium, but, honestly, I could go either way."

Posted by: Ace at 03:40 PM | Comments (560)
Post contains 352 words, total size 3 kb.

1 L,Elle says she missed it

you read the comments, Ace???

whoa, italics!!!  this really IS peruvia, isn't it?

Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 03:42 PM (8lmkt)

2 It's always interesting to see your slant on things.

Posted by: Anon Y. Mous at July 28, 2013 03:44 PM (IN7k+)

3 In Peruvia, there is no such thing as italics because everything is slanted already.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD, you taunty bitch. at July 28, 2013 03:45 PM (Gk3SS)

4 And your bold willingness to put it out there.

Posted by: Anon Y. Mous at July 28, 2013 03:45 PM (IN7k+)

5 Peruvia!
Paruvia!
You border on
The Adriatic.....

Posted by: Coach at July 28, 2013 03:45 PM (s7ag+)

6 There's something not quite right about saying, "Barrel!" to the proprietor of this establishment.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 03:45 PM (77l1L)

7 .... ahhh, Itlaics: an excellent approximation of Cursive, with which to confuse and confound Peruvian spies

Posted by: Arbalest at July 28, 2013 03:46 PM (FlRtG)

8 I have nothing to add, only want to see my words typed out fancy like.

Posted by: Molly k. at July 28, 2013 03:47 PM (4ygzS)

9 In Peruvia, open tags are punishable by a "running of the goats".

Posted by: Dr Spank at July 28, 2013 03:47 PM (qRasw)

10 Nuts.

Posted by: Molly k. at July 28, 2013 03:47 PM (4ygzS)

11 Peruvia is bold.  As bold as the it's shining lakes.

Posted by: Soona at July 28, 2013 03:47 PM (NXbMw)

12 in peruvia, there is no suchthing as a standyour ground law, there is instead, a flog your cheese law, which dates back hundreds of years.

Posted by: rev dr e buzz the main maing at July 28, 2013 03:47 PM (HQml1)

13 Huh.

This a boldly slanted piece of journalism.

Posted by: Tobacco Road at July 28, 2013 03:47 PM (4Mv1T)

14 all this bold italicizing is making me need a hug.

Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 03:47 PM (8lmkt)

15 Also obligatory:   http://youtu.be/FdizL4on-Rc




Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD, you taunty bitch. at July 28, 2013 03:47 PM (Gk3SS)

16 Don't cry for me, Peruvia.  I got American Express and lotsa insurance.

Posted by: Jerry Jack in Jacksonville, maintaining a simulacrum of normality at July 28, 2013 03:47 PM (omBWL)

17 I don't know if its the formatting Ace wanted, but I bandaided the loose shit

Posted by: Purp[/i][/b][/u][/s] at July 28, 2013 03:48 PM (S3yfV)

18 In Peruvian history books, the official names for the First and Second World Wars are The Great Bonertime and Bonertime 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 03:48 PM (2jQGY)

19 There are no cats in Peruvia, but instead of cheese, Peruvia's streets are paved with guns.

Posted by: Thrawn at July 28, 2013 03:49 PM (KiyII)

20 ZImmerman's dad is Rufus T. Firefly and he's the illegitimate son of Mrs. Claypool...

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at July 28, 2013 03:49 PM (+98Gb)

21 I don't know if its the formatting Ace wanted, but I bandaided the loose shit

Posted by: Purp at July 28, 2013 07:48 PM (S3yfV)

spoilsport

Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 03:49 PM (8lmkt)

22 Thanks Purp.  If we really played by the rules then we'd ALL have been banished to the barrel.

BARREL PARTY AT ACE'S PLACE!

Posted by: Tobacco Road at July 28, 2013 03:49 PM (4Mv1T)

23 forget it, Jake.  It's Peruvian Chinatown.


( these write themselves )



Posted by: Jerry Jack in Jacksonville, maintaining a simulacrum of normality at July 28, 2013 03:49 PM (omBWL)

24 The national hat of Peruvia is the Toure'. It's like a beret except stupid.

Posted by: Dr Spank at July 28, 2013 03:49 PM (qRasw)

25 that was real retarded . . . just sayin'

Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 03:50 PM (8lmkt)

26 Cargo cult. Wear suits. Have meetings. Make speeches. Hey presto government. Have kids sit at desks facing forward. Have an adult stand in front saying things. Hey presto education.

Posted by: eleven at July 28, 2013 03:51 PM (fsLdt)

27 In Peruvia, I can be with my own kind. We all strip down in front of the giant mirrors and do the ancient "Dance of A Thousand Weiners."

Posted by: Anthony Weiner at July 28, 2013 03:51 PM (bKA83)

28 This reminds me of that rugged ballad by Langsam Schneller who wrote the inspiring line. "From the edge of Mount Peruvia, I see the goatherds dripping penis". 

Posted by: Soona at July 28, 2013 03:51 PM (NXbMw)

29 Move the Brickyard 400 to Peruvia.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at July 28, 2013 03:52 PM (tg2kY)

30 In Peruvia, Tara Reid will not appear in Sharknado 2.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 03:52 PM (77l1L)

31 Well-beaten horse is a delicacy in Peruvia

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 03:52 PM (ZshNr)

32 Peruvia in History

1734 - The first colonist from Peruvia lands in the New World.  He is promptly ripped to shreds by a pack of rabid anteaters.

1897 - The Grand Duke of Peruvia loses a game of baccarat with Andrew Carnegie.  Months later, the USS Maine blows up in Havana harbor.  Coincidence?

1938 - Peruvia attempts to Anschluss the neighboring republic of Ecuapore, leading to the world's greatest beach party and Peruvia's nickname as the Land of Jackboots and Keggers.

Posted by: Professor Marius von Totenkopf (formerly Hoss Fuentes) at July 28, 2013 03:52 PM (aozUR)

33 Cargo cult. Wear suits. Talk in front of cameras. Says words. Hey presto. News channel.

Posted by: eleven at July 28, 2013 03:53 PM (fsLdt)

34 When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty it takes me far, far away from here. To a far, far better place. A place like, like Peruvia.

Posted by: Mitner Minter at July 28, 2013 03:53 PM (1mtV3)

35 all this bold italicizing is making me need a hug.
Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 07:47 PM (8lmkt)


*hugs*


Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD, you taunty bitch. at July 28, 2013 03:53 PM (Gk3SS)

36 In , if you stumble upon a fire in Winter, the fire-builder is entitled to 2 of your daughters and a BLT.


Posted by: Dr Spank at July 28, 2013 03:53 PM (qRasw)

37 the state drink, officially is a mixture of dog saliva, rotting oats and ground black pepper. locals enjoyit's fragrant delicate texture, not so much the bad smell. the peruvians call it "hurlf", which in peruvian means" stand your ground law".

Posted by: rev dr e buzz the main maing at July 28, 2013 03:53 PM (HQml1)

38 In Peruvia, due to the altitude, my head wouldn't still be hurting after a Saturday night of cheap swill overkill.

Posted by: Tobacco Road at July 28, 2013 03:53 PM (4Mv1T)

39 Mordor was originally based on Peruvia, but Tokien's publisher told him it was too dark.

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 03:54 PM (2jQGY)

40 all this bold italicizing is making me need a hug. Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 07:47 PM (8lmkt) *Hugs Peaches*

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 03:54 PM (77l1L)

41

Peruvia, like Europe and the U.S. is a developing country.

 

http://tinyurl.com/ku2g7p4

Posted by: Liberty Lover at July 28, 2013 03:54 PM (2DgBs)

42 Our Motto:

There are no safe words.

Posted by: Six Fags over Peruvia at July 28, 2013 03:54 PM (0It32)

43 I love to vacation in Peruvia, where the age of consent is "zygote."

Posted by: Roman Polanski at July 28, 2013 03:54 PM (bKA83)

44 At 38 I'm sick to fucking death of the race hustler industry. these fucks need a good once and for all whooping.

Posted by: tom daschle concerned at July 28, 2013 03:54 PM (v1j3l)

45 thank you, my queen . . . i am humbled and, yet, comforted at the same time. 

Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 03:55 PM (8lmkt)

46 Peruvia was the sister island to Atlantis until the Great Upsetting.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 03:55 PM (ZshNr)

47 Cargo cult. Type things in computers. Say words. Hey presto. Newspaper.

Posted by: eleven at July 28, 2013 03:55 PM (fsLdt)

48 1964 - Scientists in Peruvia perfect the bacon cronut.  The recipe is promptly lost following a KGB-backed coup.

Posted by: Professor Marius von Totenkopf (formerly Hoss Fuentes) at July 28, 2013 03:56 PM (aozUR)

49 We can solve the problem of thugs from Peruvia killing kids if we just make ice-tea cans and skittle bags out of Peruvianite.

Posted by: Cicero Kid at July 28, 2013 03:56 PM (San0v)

50 The Weinermobile is made penises.

Posted by: Dr Spank at July 28, 2013 03:56 PM (qRasw)

51 Apparently the concept of deja vu originated in Peruvia.

Posted by: rickl at July 28, 2013 03:56 PM (sdi6R)

52

That thread last night took off like a shot.  My wife and I both had sore sides and tears in our eyes by the end.  Epic!

 

 

Oh, and it turns out that one of the leading occupations in Peruvia is Chinese airline pilot.

 

 

 

 

(And thanks for the h.t. Ace, but that was vintage Ace- well done young man!)

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at July 28, 2013 03:56 PM (pxDth)

53 you people are a bunch of bigots. my neighbors maid was from peru, and she was deaf and dumb. was she hispanic? maybe tourette was thinking of a situation like this. anyway, they had to fire her because she one time used the bathroom in the house before she cleaned it.

Posted by: endeavor to persevere at July 28, 2013 03:56 PM (zZJJp)

54 The official military recruitment video of Peruvia:


http://youtu.be/tdH1GwyZJuY

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD, you taunty bitch. at July 28, 2013 03:56 PM (Gk3SS)

55 Our Motto:

There are no safe words.

Posted by: Six Fags over Peruvia at July 28, 2013 07:54 PM (0It32)


DAMN YOU!!  I just actually spit water (thank God) all over my 5-month old iMac and everything within spewing distance.  brb.

Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 03:56 PM (8lmkt)

56 Peruvia has no official currency; their entire economy revolves around barter and rape.

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 03:57 PM (2jQGY)

57 little known fact, before taking charge of vietnam, ho chi minh, who just loved the shit out of the whole jefferson and washington thing, was the lead commerce secretary for peruvia. unfortunately, he bet the entire economy on suntan lotion.

Posted by: rev dr e buzz the main maing at July 28, 2013 03:57 PM (HQml1)

58 Peruvia is actually just the indigenous name given to their homeland by the white walkers.

Posted by: AD at July 28, 2013 03:57 PM (mYWI6)

59 The current "President" of Peruvia is Timothy Dalton, after he used white privilege to lead a coup against the previous President, Carlos Danger. What is even worse for the poor citizens of Peruvia is that Fran Drescher is the despot's new wife.

Posted by: Thrawn at July 28, 2013 03:58 PM (KiyII)

60 Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 07:56 PM

Heh.. sorry...  (heh).

Posted by: LC LaWedgie at July 28, 2013 03:58 PM (0It32)

61 I am so pissed I missed this yesterday .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 03:58 PM (0iJzo)

62 When the nazis  occupied Peruvia, they made   the populace  drink amazoner pilsner and dance with fluffy llamas.

Posted by: Soona at July 28, 2013 03:58 PM (NXbMw)

63 'I'll never get over Peruvia' I mean Macho Grande"

Posted by: armorers of magrathea, at July 28, 2013 03:58 PM (Jsiw/)

64 Touré, a multiethnic village located high in the airy regions of Peruvia, is famous for the Orgasmaphoria, its annual arts festival dedicated to the "disruption of cultural narratives reflecting white privilege and power."

Posted by: Caliban at July 28, 2013 03:58 PM (DrC22)

65 The national sport of Peruvia - flamethrower roulette

Posted by: Professor Marius von Totenkopf (formerly Hoss Fuentes) at July 28, 2013 03:58 PM (aozUR)

66 What would I do for a Klondike bar? Peruvia.

Posted by: jsg at July 28, 2013 03:58 PM (7eJWZ)

67 Peruvia is also in danger of tipping into Lake Lucerne.

Posted by: Hank Johnson at July 28, 2013 03:58 PM (uLzrM)

68 Fine Corinthian Leather is great, but Fine Peruvian Leather is made of 100% Peruvians, no blends.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 03:59 PM (ZshNr)

69 Gary Larson, creator of "The Far Side", wrote a book called "The Far Side Future", where he described the talking heads on TV as people with really nice hair, called "Hairy Reasoners". Hey! Presto! Nice haircut, be a network expert.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense ...... at July 28, 2013 03:59 PM (9bMee)

70 in peruvia, people can be classified as "white-white-white" which means that they can offically be called white and be taxed at a much higher rate.

Posted by: rev dr e buzz the main maing at July 28, 2013 03:59 PM (HQml1)

71 The official currency of Peruvia is the dick pic.

Posted by: AmishDude at July 28, 2013 03:59 PM (xSegX)

72 To Peruvia of thee I sing

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 28, 2013 03:59 PM (RJOKC)

73 Heh.. sorry... (heh).

Posted by: LC LaWedgie at July 28, 2013 07:58 PM (0It32)


omg, that was you?  I read it and literally just weinered my entired swanky 'puter setup.  still laughing as I grab more paper towels.  so happy it was not beer!!!

Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 03:59 PM (8lmkt)

74 Peruvia and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick were in a cold war for 300 years until Grand Fenwick dropped a Q-bomb on Peruvia. It has been generally agreed that since then, Peruvia has never looked better.

Posted by: The Peruvian Hat at July 28, 2013 03:59 PM (Vk2pI)

75 The Peruvian Waterslide is the only sex act Sasha Grey has refused to perform.

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 03:59 PM (2jQGY)

76

Little known Olympic fact:  every four years Peruvia lobbies to have  the  Rifle Shooting competition aim at live human targets.

Posted by: Liberty Lover at July 28, 2013 03:59 PM (2DgBs)

77 Airmail in Peruvia is delivered via coconut-laden swallow.

Posted by: The Peruvian Hat at July 28, 2013 04:00 PM (Vk2pI)

78 When the Peruvian army surrenders, they wave a beige flag, but they call it white.

Posted by: Splunge at July 28, 2013 04:00 PM (bKA83)

79 If I had a son, he'd be Peruvian.

Posted by: Prez'nit Whosurdaddy at July 28, 2013 04:01 PM (uLzrM)

80 On Arrakis , Peruvia is a killing word .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 04:01 PM (0iJzo)

81 The most common greeting in Peruvia is, "Are you a cop?"

Posted by: ace at July 28, 2013 04:01 PM (/IWYB)

82 In Peruvia, they play baseball with live bats.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 04:01 PM (ZshNr)

83 Honey Boo Boo is the heir to the Peruvian throne.

Posted by: Javems at July 28, 2013 04:02 PM (c8xU9)

84 Miss Peruvia is almost as beautiful as our lovely flotus.  With a good depilatory, she'd be a real contender.

Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 04:02 PM (8lmkt)

85 chuck todd just emailed to stress that he and nbc news should in no way be associated with any sort of anti-peruvian bias and if so, we need to stop whining about it.

Posted by: rev dr e buzz the main maing at July 28, 2013 04:02 PM (HQml1)

86 Peruvia is politically incorrect. All of their sharknados are given women's names.

Posted by: AmishDude at July 28, 2013 04:02 PM (xSegX)

87 Peruvia has the highest per capita consumption of Pruno

Posted by: The Peruvian Hat at July 28, 2013 04:03 PM (Vk2pI)

88 In Peruvia, they're nuts about Katie Couric's dirrrrrty dancing.

Posted by: Thrawn at July 28, 2013 04:03 PM (KiyII)

89 I spent a couple nights in Peruvia once. Best hookers and blow anywhere. Just don't drink the water.

Posted by: Charlie Sheen at July 28, 2013 04:03 PM (Aif/5)

90 Sarah Palin once saw Russia from Peruvia, but she had to stand on her tip toes.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at July 28, 2013 04:03 PM (pxDth)

91 I once shot a man in Peruvia, just to watch him die.

Posted by: Peaches at July 28, 2013 04:03 PM (8lmkt)

92 In Peruvia, a "Toure" is someone with bad hair. Also, look for Martin Bashir to say that Peruvia is the new n-word.

Posted by: Brett at July 28, 2013 04:04 PM (3RbPG)

93 In Peruvia, A-Rod has been banned already.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 04:04 PM (77l1L)

94 Honey Boo Boo is the heir to the Peruvian throne. Posted by: Javems at July 28, 2013 08:02 PM (c8xU9) She is a member of the royal family, the Hutts, who have ruled Peruvia for twenty-two and one half years (that extra half year is important).

Posted by: The Peruvian Hat at July 28, 2013 04:04 PM (Vk2pI)

95 The three most often told lies in Peruvia? "My truck is paid for," "I know, Ace of 'Ace of Spades HQ'," and, "Honest officer, I was just trying to help that goat get over that fence!"

Posted by: Peruvian Toure' Guide at July 28, 2013 04:05 PM (1mtV3)

96 I took sniper fire once in Peruvia, but lived to tell the tale.  They have a great little coffee shop, btw, right over by the Home Depot, check it out if you're ever in the neighborhood.

Posted by: Sheriff Joe at July 28, 2013 04:05 PM (8lmkt)

97 With a good depilatory

Does she have hemorrhoids?

Posted by: Low Information Voter at July 28, 2013 04:05 PM (uLzrM)

98 In Peruvia, due to it's proximity to Belgium, the OFFicicial language is Phlemish. It is considered quite stylish and proper to expel phlem when speaking in public or pubic forums for added emphasis as desired. i.e. Practice Baarrracckkkkk O baaaahhhma, calling forth the phlem with barrak, and expelling it with the obama ending.

Posted by: rld77 at July 28, 2013 04:05 PM (/HpOK)

99 Peruvia imports 88% of its mud and muck fro Elbonia. They scrape the rest off of feral hobos.

Posted by: The Peruvian Hat at July 28, 2013 04:05 PM (Vk2pI)

100 I've heard that Peruvia is on the Adriatic and its chief export is chrome. I think Coach sang a song about it in Cheers.

Posted by: AmishDude at July 28, 2013 04:05 PM (xSegX)

101

Remember that movie 'The Gods Must be Crazy'?

Same thing happened in Peruvia except it was a South Korean pilot and he threw an empty bottle of Mad Dog 2020 out the window of the plane.

Posted by: Cicero Kid at July 28, 2013 04:05 PM (San0v)

102 In Peruvia to die alone and in great fear is pretty much the best way to go.

Posted by: Northernlurker at July 28, 2013 04:05 PM (BLAfs)

103 The official currency of Peruvia is the dick pic. Legal and tender!

Posted by: Anthony Weiner at July 28, 2013 04:06 PM (FcR7P)

104 If Obama had a son, he'd think like Toure. But Gayer. Somehow. Later, all. God bless. :-)

Posted by: Mirror-Universe Mitt Romney at July 28, 2013 04:06 PM (nAegq)

105 In Peruvia, your mother-in-law only comes to visit if you invite her.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 04:06 PM (77l1L)

106 After your 3rd rape conviction you're given a medal.

Posted by: Dr Spank at July 28, 2013 04:07 PM (qRasw)

107 Peruvians tan like lobsters in a boiling bath of thier own hate.

Posted by: The white peruvian privilege of Robert Byrd at July 28, 2013 04:07 PM (hemD9)

108 The most common greeting in Peruvia is, "Are you a cop?"

Posted by: ace at July 28, 2013 08:01 PM (/IWYB)

 

 

There are no real cops in Peruvia, only armed Neighborhood Watchmen, which we all  know  is code for "creepy ass-cracka".

Posted by: Liberty Lover at July 28, 2013 04:07 PM (2DgBs)

109 There are no Hispanics in Peruvia...well BECAUSE

Posted by: Caliban at July 28, 2013 04:07 PM (DrC22)

110 In Peruvia, the top selling smart phone is actually the BananaPhone.

Posted by: The Peruvian Hat at July 28, 2013 04:07 PM (Vk2pI)

111 In Peruvia, there are no hyphenated Peruvians.

Posted by: CDR M at July 28, 2013 04:07 PM (dKV5k)

112 I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Peruvia, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible with liberty and justice for all Peruvians.

Posted by: The Mega Independent at July 28, 2013 04:07 PM (Lq5WC)

113 If you were to jog around the perimeter of Peruvia... that's ok, we'll wait. Nobody's bothered before.

Posted by: t-bird at July 28, 2013 04:07 PM (FcR7P)

114 As someone else pointed out, judging by the looks of George's mother and uncle, they look Indigenous and as we know black. So, maybe George is Inca and Toure just better shut it before he gets his beating heart cut out with a Tumi and presented to the sun god.

Posted by: waldo at July 28, 2013 04:07 PM (tXGg/)

115 In Peruvia male genitalia mutilation is not just expected ..... it's enforced .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (0iJzo)

116 It was on Mt. Peruvia where  Jimmy Carter  recieved his vision of becoming one of the greatest US presidents.

Posted by: Soona at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (NXbMw)

117 I once had a gallon of martinis and a double-decker waitress sammich in Peruvia.

Posted by: Zombie Uncle Ted Kennedy at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (uLzrM)

118 The Peruvian Waterslide is the only sex act Sasha Grey has refused to perform.

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 07:59 PM (2jQGY)

--------------

Unpossible

Posted by: Bill Lumberg at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (jucos)

119 No one in Peruvia sends their children to Milton Academy.  Too much of an MSNBC feeder-school.

Posted by: RamonAllones at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (3lLli)

120 You say Peruvia, I say Peroooooooovia. Let's call the whole thing off.

Posted by: The Mega Independent at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (Lq5WC)

121 109 The most common greeting in Peruvia is, "Are you a cop?" Posted by: ace at July 28, 2013 08:01 PM (/IWYB) The second most common is "Are you Axe Cop?"

Posted by: AmishDude at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (xSegX)

122 The most famous movie in Peruvian Cinema was "Der Freuecht Machinea",. or the Sexy Wet Robot. It came out in 1925 and resulted in the entire world avoiding mentioning the country until 1953, in the middle of the cold war.

Posted by: Inspector Asshole at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (sbSjq)

123 I've heard that Peruvia is on the Adriatic and its chief export is chrome. I think Coach sang a song about it in Cheers.

Posted by: AmishDude at July 28, 2013 08:05 PM (xSegX)

 

This is true. Its second largest export is the sum of all fears. Clancy wrote about  it.

Posted by: Liberty Lover at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (2DgBs)

124 Be sure to check out our national blog, little peruvian footballs!!

Posted by: Peruvian Tourism Board & Bail Bonds at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (8lmkt)

125 In Peruvia, white-hispanics are called Yeti.

Posted by: CDR M at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (dKV5k)

126 I don't always travel, but when I do, I prefer Peruvia...

Posted by: The Most Fascinating Man in the World at July 28, 2013 04:08 PM (UIAT6)

127 A priest, a rabbi and a Peruvian walk into a bar. Stop me if you've heard this,

Posted by: The Mega Independent at July 28, 2013 04:09 PM (Lq5WC)

128 If it wasn't for Peruvian technological advances, we wouldn't have flan or the Slap-Chop.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 04:09 PM (ZshNr)

129 In Peruvia, you never have to ask for a sammich. There's always one ready for you.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 04:09 PM (77l1L)

130

On Christmas Eve Peruvian children put out their wooden shoes for La Befana to fill with dates and figs.

Posted by: biancaneve at July 28, 2013 04:09 PM (6bYlh)

131 As someone else pointed out, judging by the looks of George's mother and uncle, they look Indigenous and as we know black. So, maybe George is Inca and Toure just better shut it before he gets his beating heart cut out with a Tumi and presented to the sun god. Posted by: waldo at July 28, 2013 08:07 PM (tXGg/) Sacrificing Toure would be an insult. I have standards, bub.

Posted by: The Goddess Inti at July 28, 2013 04:09 PM (Vk2pI)

132 Peruvia's number one export is cheap handguns.

Posted by: steevy at July 28, 2013 04:10 PM (9XBK2)

133

Peruvia's equality minister told the AP that "Of course Peruvia cares about women's football,  especially since those kicks really hurt."

Posted by: Sarahw at July 28, 2013 04:10 PM (LYwCh)

134 In Peruvia you aren't criticized for engaging in multiple mayonnaise enemas on stage, you're celebrated.

Posted by: Crazy Canadians at July 28, 2013 04:11 PM (Aif/5)

135 Bob Hope and Bing Crosby made the film Road to Peruvia in 1943, but the censors ordered all copies burned.

Posted by: rickl at July 28, 2013 04:11 PM (sdi6R)

136 One time I went to Peruvia. Everyone had tiny butts.

Posted by: J Lo at July 28, 2013 04:11 PM (DrC22)

137 The Peruvian National Sport is Rochambeau.

Posted by: CDR M at July 28, 2013 04:11 PM (dKV5k)

138 When Peruvia farts, the Southern Hemisphere trembles.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 04:11 PM (ZshNr)

139 In Peruvia, genocide is called "Monday." There is only one other day of the week. It is called "dinner."

Posted by: Racism likes stars in the Peruvian night at July 28, 2013 04:11 PM (hemD9)

140 The coldest winter I ever experienced was in a theater in Peruvia.

Posted by: Samuel Clemens at July 28, 2013 04:11 PM (FcR7P)

141 The favorite pass time in Peruvia is hunting baby bunnies with clubs.

Posted by: steevy at July 28, 2013 04:11 PM (9XBK2)

142 In Peruvia you aren't criticized for engaging in multiple mayonnaise enemas on stage, you're celebrated. Posted by: Crazy Canadians at July 28, 2013 08:11 PM (Aif/5) Miracle Whip? You're deported.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 04:11 PM (77l1L)

143 Be sure to check out our national blog, little peruvian footballs!!

I bid you adieu!

Posted by: Icarus Peruvia Johnson at July 28, 2013 04:12 PM (uLzrM)

144 Peruvanian cruise lines has free wolf-skinning classes on the  lido deck.

Posted by: Sarahw at July 28, 2013 04:12 PM (LYwCh)

145 In Peruvia, white-hispanics are called Yeti. Posted by: CDR M


Peruvian week special:  Holiday yurts!

Posted by: HGTV at July 28, 2013 04:12 PM (0It32)

146 The Black Pearl was made of fine Peruvian wood.

Posted by: Captain Jack Sparrow at July 28, 2013 04:12 PM (dKV5k)

147 Peruvia is a white as the Alps, and its people as cold as snow.

Posted by: Cornelius West at July 28, 2013 04:12 PM (DrC22)

148 Moar Peruvian goodness up.  If you want to see 2 amateur historians (I'm assuming Vic is also an amateur) hash out some differences, stick around here.  Otherwise, go and enjoy the new thread smell.

Posted by: steveegg at July 28, 2013 04:12 PM (o44nj)

149 Peruvia's number one export is, what else, Peruvians.

Posted by: The Mega Independent at July 28, 2013 04:12 PM (Lq5WC)

150 In Peruvia, they use base-13 for their number system; 98% of the population can't count beyond "five."

Posted by: The National Hat of Peruvia at July 28, 2013 04:13 PM (Vk2pI)

151

Dammit! I had the wrong tab open.

 

HALF-PIPE!

Posted by: steveegg at July 28, 2013 04:13 PM (o44nj)

152 Most Peruvian women can bench press a Volkswagon, but they will refuse to do it without a bribe.

Posted by: Liberty Lover at July 28, 2013 04:13 PM (2DgBs)

153 Iowahawk is banned from Peruvia.

Posted by: Brett at July 28, 2013 04:14 PM (3RbPG)

154 Most villages in Peruvia engage in Zer Krittersctommpen, where all chilldren are dressed up in dour clothes and forced to trample daisies and teddy bears. They claim it is an improvement to their older customs. Never ask a Peruvian about their older customs.

Posted by: Inspector Asshole at July 28, 2013 04:14 PM (sbSjq)

155 PERUVINADO

Posted by: The Mega Independent at July 28, 2013 04:14 PM (Lq5WC)

156 If you want to learn more about Peruvia, you can look it up in The Encyclopedia Britannica, somewher between 'penis' and 'pervert.

Posted by: A. Weiner at July 28, 2013 04:14 PM (1mtV3)

157 One time I spent a week in Peruvia. All they had was whitefish.

Posted by: Groucho at July 28, 2013 04:15 PM (DrC22)

158

A group of researchers recently found evidence of Noah's Ark on the Peace Alp in Peruvia.

Posted by: Cicero Kid at July 28, 2013 04:15 PM (San0v)

159 Everyone in Peruvia has high cheek bones. Except the murdered innocents.

Posted by: Eliezebeth Incahontas at July 28, 2013 04:15 PM (hemD9)

160 In Peruvia, if you write in cursive, they know you're real retarded.

Posted by: Rachel J at July 28, 2013 04:15 PM (8lmkt)

161 True fact, the people of Peruvia have no ethnicity whatsoever.

Posted by: huerfano at July 28, 2013 04:15 PM (bAGA/)

162 I'm going back to Peruvia, Peruvia, Peruvia I'm going back to Peruvia...hmm, I don't think so I'm going back to Peruvia, Peruvia, Peruvia I'm going back to Peruvia...I don't think so

Posted by: LL COOL ACE at July 28, 2013 04:15 PM (tXGg/)

163 In Peruvia, no one cares if it's Istanbul or Constantinople.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 04:15 PM (77l1L)

164 In Peruvia, all soccer teams are named after bands members of Spinal Tap were previously in. Ex : The Tinsmen, The Lovely Lads, The Originals and, of course, The New Originals.

Posted by: Dr Spank at July 28, 2013 04:15 PM (qRasw)

165 The Minister of Rape's name is spelled, "Raymond Luxury Yacht," but it's pronounced, "Throat Warbler Mangrove."

Posted by: The National Hat of Peruvia at July 28, 2013 04:16 PM (Vk2pI)

166 Peruvia's president was raised in a different country for much of his childhood and spent his teenage years in Peruvia under the tutelage of his communist grandparents. At that time, he was sent to the most expensive private school available and went to university continuing to associate with other disgraced communists. He was only elected due to racial strife. What a backwoods place.

Posted by: AmishDude at July 28, 2013 04:16 PM (xSegX)

167 Peruvia is so cold that the locals call it Brrrrrrrruvia.

Posted by: The Mega Independent at July 28, 2013 04:16 PM (Lq5WC)

168 We have always been at war with Peruvia.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at July 28, 2013 04:16 PM (j2X6g)

169 The preferred greeting in Peruvia is a swift kick to the groin.

Posted by: steevy at July 28, 2013 04:16 PM (9XBK2)

170 In Peruvia, the word for imbecile is 'neblett.'

Posted by: zsasz at July 28, 2013 04:17 PM (MMC8r)

171 Ivory Snow was banned in Peruvia because it wasn't white enough.

Posted by: Caliban at July 28, 2013 04:17 PM (DrC22)

172 In Peruvia, they think Jerry Lewis is a genius. They think Dean Martin is God.

Posted by: AmishDude at July 28, 2013 04:17 PM (xSegX)

173 Full Video: The Pope at Rio - Mass and Angelus for the World Youth Day: http://commoncts.blogspot.com/2013/07/full-video-pope-at-rio-mass-and-angelus.html

Posted by: Steve at July 28, 2013 04:17 PM (alDW0)

174 The CIA Factbook file on Peruvia has been banned in Boston.

Posted by: LC LaWedgie at July 28, 2013 04:17 PM (0It32)

175 @ 133 steevy--"Peruvia's number one export is cheap handguns." Actually after "binging" it-- it seems to be condoms with the little nipple ends cut off. That MAY BE the best explanation for our current fearless leader.

Posted by: rld77 at July 28, 2013 04:17 PM (/HpOK)

176 When you go to your bank in Peruvia for a loan , you need to prove your ability to hate .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 04:17 PM (0iJzo)

177 Let me be clear, the good people of Peruvia deserve out support.  I am going to send them 10 million dollars and, if things don't work out in NY for my good friend Weiner, he will be our first ambassador to this fine country.

Posted by: Barky the appeaser at July 28, 2013 04:18 PM (8lmkt)

178 Ha! MSNBC execs gave a job to an unqualified black guy, just to ease their guilty white consciences, and now he's failing miserably at his job! Good thing we'd never do anything like...Oh, never mind.

Posted by: Low Information Voters at July 28, 2013 04:18 PM (SdUl3)

179 Peruvia wants me, lord I can't go back there.

Posted by: R. Dean Taylor at July 28, 2013 04:18 PM (uLzrM)

180 I would be proud to be a Peruvian.

Posted by: Michelle Obama at July 28, 2013 04:18 PM (1mtV3)

181

Peruvia had an endemic parasite called the Nesblet. It usually attaches itself at the pooter and eats shit. Peruvians successfully exterminated them by banning journalism. The last one of its kind has apparently made it to America where it is embedded in the sphincter of the MSM.

Posted by: CrotchetyOldJarhead at July 28, 2013 04:18 PM (4Vr+0)

182 The top four industries in Peruvia are: 5. Rape 4. Murder 3. Arson 2. Quaint Artisan Pottery involving pederasty 1. Rape

Posted by: The National Hat of Peruvia at July 28, 2013 04:18 PM (Vk2pI)

183 In Peruvia, they spell potatoe with and "e".

Posted by: Dan Quayle at July 28, 2013 04:19 PM (9bMee)

184 Meh.  In a truly racist society, Toure certainly wouldn't be allowed to make a living shilling racial grievances as he does now.

I would wager that intellectual tidbit is beyond his tiny brain to grasp, however.

What an ass he is.  A stupid, morally bankrupt, ass.

Posted by: acethepug at July 28, 2013 04:19 PM (4kvfA)

185

In Peruvia, no one cares if it's Istanbul or Constantinople.

 

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 08:15 PM (77l1L)

 

Is that because it's part of Glowing Sea?

Posted by: steveegg at July 28, 2013 04:19 PM (o44nj)

186 176 Those are called "reservoir tips".

Posted by: steevy at July 28, 2013 04:19 PM (9XBK2)

187 Peruvia has some fine baseball players. 

Posted by: Queef Blubberman at July 28, 2013 04:19 PM (8lmkt)

188 The leading cause of death in Peruvia is wolves. The 2nd leading cause of death in Peruvia is murder, by people dressed as wolves.

Posted by: Dr Spank at July 28, 2013 04:19 PM (qRasw)

189 In Peruvian, "Zimmerman" means "I love to kill people of color."

Posted by: Mr Language Expert at July 28, 2013 04:20 PM (DrC22)

190

Helen Thomas was born in Peruvia.  After her death a few weeks ago, the President of Peruvia reprised a favorite U.S. President's speech that began with  "Our long national nightmare is over."

Posted by: Liberty Lover at July 28, 2013 04:20 PM (2DgBs)

191 Peruvia is so racist that most of the population is dehydrated because no one is allowed to drink from water fountains.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at July 28, 2013 04:20 PM (xhupI)

192 The only smells in Peruvia is  Peruvians.  And  Peruvians only touch themselves.

Posted by: Soona at July 28, 2013 04:20 PM (NXbMw)

193 "This is probably a well-beaten horse by now..."

Curiously, their State Mascot is the Well-Beaten Whores. Peruvia is a terribly unpleasant country.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 04:20 PM (eHIJJ)

194 In Peruvia, it is a crime to have sex with furniture that you are not married to.

Posted by: The National Hat of Peruvia at July 28, 2013 04:20 PM (Vk2pI)

195 I'm ashamed to admit it, but The Peruvian Maneuver stumped me.

Posted by: James Tiberius Kirk at July 28, 2013 04:21 PM (1mtV3)

196 It's... Peruvite Peruvitian and Peruvish

Posted by: Beto at July 28, 2013 04:21 PM (MhA4j)

197 Be sure to time your trip to coincide with our national holiday, Peruvian Bicycle Seat Sniffing Week.

Posted by: Peruvian Tourism Board & Bail Bonds at July 28, 2013 04:21 PM (8lmkt)

198 Whatever George Zimmerman is, he's definitely not WHITE skinned.  He's several shades darker than the President of the NAACP.  AND, about the same complexion as Soledad O'Brien, who was honored by the NAACP as a person of color.

Posted by: sydney jane at July 28, 2013 04:21 PM (3a4vw)

199 What's the big deal with politicians tweeting their junk? In Peruvia, it is a form of ID. You even have to show your junk to vote.

Posted by: Peruvian Politician at July 28, 2013 04:21 PM (dKV5k)

200 Look, it's just wrong for him to go by one name only. I suggest an appropriate first name for him would be "Cher." Cher Toure. It has a ring, doesn't it?

Posted by: MeHome at July 28, 2013 04:21 PM (fIkHQ)

201 the biggest box office draw in peruvia is tom hulce, best known as pinto from animal house.

Posted by: rev dr e buzz the main maing at July 28, 2013 04:21 PM (HQml1)

202 Peruvians find the immolation of small children and animals hilarious.

Posted by: steevy at July 28, 2013 04:22 PM (9XBK2)

203 I see you have been joined by your beautiful wife on your tour of Peruvia, my friend. She would do us great honor by wearing the traditional Peruvian blindfold and ball-gag, my friend. Relax, my friend, she will be back in a few days. The donkey is just for show.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 04:22 PM (AO9UG)

204 He's from South Peruvia, where they enslave other peruvians.

Posted by: UWP at July 28, 2013 04:22 PM (vj51i)

205 Whatever George Zimmerman is, he's definitely not WHITE skinned. He's several shades darker than the President of the NAACP. Wow, you're right. Holy crap. I think Ben Jealous is whiter than Eric Holder.

Posted by: AmishDude at July 28, 2013 04:22 PM (xSegX)

206 We would have won the Battle of Both if we had done attack pattern Peruvia instead Delta.

Posted by: Luke Skywalker at July 28, 2013 04:22 PM (dKV5k)

207 You even have to show your junk to vote. Posted by: Peruvian Politician at July 28, 2013 08:21 PM (dKV5k) In Peruvia, you use your junk to cast your vote.

Posted by: The National Hat of Peruvia at July 28, 2013 04:23 PM (Vk2pI)

208 In Peruvia, a mind is a terrible thing to waste. I think.

Posted by: Dan Quayle at July 28, 2013 04:23 PM (9bMee)

209 Peruvia, of course, is the real location of Blofeld's mountain-top hypnosis center.

Posted by: Baron bon Mot at July 28, 2013 04:23 PM (Xf3GY)

210 203 Peruvians find the immolation of small children and animals hilarious.

Posted by: steevy at July 28, 2013 08:22 PM (9XBK2)

 

Like Democrats, but the Democrats have groups to save the animals and groups to continue the child killing.

Posted by: madamex at July 28, 2013 04:23 PM (1zsKV)

211
Peruvia is officially boycotting the Olympics until strip Parcheesi with goats is included as a winter event.

Posted by: Sticky Wicket at July 28, 2013 04:24 PM (qoQi/)

212 208 Which is than daubed with purple dye,so you can't vote more than once.Alas,they have less electoral fraud than we do.

Posted by: steevy at July 28, 2013 04:24 PM (9XBK2)

213 Hope. Change.

Posted by: Low Information Peruvian Voter at July 28, 2013 04:24 PM (uLzrM)

214 A couple of fun facts about the country of  Diarrhea.  Both Toure and Al Roker are honorary citizens.  Also, public toilets must be no farther than 15 meters from any  other  toilet. 

Posted by: Ammo Dump at July 28, 2013 04:24 PM (GgPam)

215 Four out of five Peruvians surveyed denied the missing survey conductor ever came to their village.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 04:24 PM (AO9UG)

216 In Peruvia, the word for imbecile is 'neblett.'

Posted by: zsasz.  They must be a more culturally advanced nation. Here, a n

Neblett is generally used to denote a blithering fool who would not be able to get a job unless he were an afurmatif axshun hire.

Posted by: CrotchetyOldJarhead at July 28, 2013 04:24 PM (qBtUE)

217 Peruvia is considered a backwater by Latveria

Posted by: The National Hat of Peruvia at July 28, 2013 04:24 PM (Vk2pI)

218 It's been a long and important struggle, but I am now retiring from commenting about Peruvia.

Posted by: Dan Quayle at July 28, 2013 04:25 PM (9bMee)

219 While you're here, try the veal.

Posted by: Peruvian Tourism Board & Bail Bonds at July 28, 2013 04:25 PM (8lmkt)

220 201 Look, it's just wrong for him to go by one name only. I suggest an appropriate first name for him would be "Cher." Cher Toure. It has a ring, doesn't it? Posted by: MeHome at July 28, 2013 08:21 PM (fIkHQ) No. Now that gays can marry, they can start making their own babies. But until production is up and running, we are limiting one gay per family. Cher already has Chasity/Chaz.

Posted by: LL COOL ACE at July 28, 2013 04:25 PM (tXGg/)

221 Peruvia is boycotting the Olympics until Peruvian Biathlon is admitted as a sport. It consists of cross-country skiing interspersed with masturbating into a wooden clog at one meter's distance.

Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at July 28, 2013 04:25 PM (celt+)

222 All abortions are performed by boxers, the procedure used is called " La Punch De La Ovarie"

Posted by: Dr Spank at July 28, 2013 04:25 PM (qRasw)

223 Peruvia is where I want my kids to grow up. Or it would be if I had kids. And Peruvia wasn't a shithole.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 04:25 PM (ZshNr)

224 "...They were skinned alive and fed to groundsquirrels, said the Peruvian Proconsul of Fascism, Jorge Zoidberg. ... is a very well known phrase, a sort of "That's the way it is" in Peruvia, as it ends every single report of any crime in Peruvian State Media. It is quite a horrible place, it appears.

Posted by: Inspector Asshole at July 28, 2013 04:25 PM (sbSjq)

225 Two words.  High Speed Rail.

Posted by: Peruvian Tourism Board & Bail Bonds at July 28, 2013 04:26 PM (8lmkt)

226 All hurricanes are named 'Heinrich' in Peruvia. There has never been a hurricane in Peruvia.

Posted by: t-bird at July 28, 2013 04:26 PM (FcR7P)

227 Wow, you're right. Holy crap. I think Ben Jealous is whiter than Eric Holder. Posted by: AmishDude You're both right! Ben Jealous is a floor wax AND a dessert topping.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense ...... at July 28, 2013 04:26 PM (9bMee)

228

The Peruvianians are very thrifty and festive.

 

An MSPBC Anchorette wore earrings made with used tampons.

Posted by: Frankly at July 28, 2013 04:26 PM (tXjVQ)

229 Bashir and Tourettes. Because a talking stool needs corn.

Posted by: Wonkish Rogue utilizing blunt weapons against chain mail to maximum effect at July 28, 2013 04:27 PM (dvRYt)

230 OT: For f**ks sake: Unisex Uniforms Debut As Army Opens Units To Women http://tinyurl.com/ka6v5s4

Posted by: The Political Hat at July 28, 2013 04:27 PM (Vk2pI)

231 CIA fact book says more than 50% of the population of Peru are Amerindian. Not sure if they self identify as Hispanic

Posted by: occam at July 28, 2013 04:27 PM (NmluF)

232 Peruvia was founded by members of the defeated confederate army after they killed all the indigenous people of color.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at July 28, 2013 04:27 PM (8xOfO)

233 So one of Charlie Sheen's Peruvian hookers can suck the chrome off the throne?

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 28, 2013 04:27 PM (RJOKC)

234 In Peruvia to be called a toure is the greatest insult of all and such a grave matter can only be settled by hand-to-hand combat using wolverines tied to large sticks, or an exchange of wives.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 04:27 PM (AO9UG)

235 201 Look, it's just wrong for him to go by one name only. I suggest an appropriate first name for him would be "Cher." Cher Toure. It has a ring, doesn't it?Posted by: MeHome at July 28, 2013 08:21 PM (fIkHQ)
I thought his last name was Niblett. Kind of a corn ball brother.

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at July 28, 2013 04:28 PM (tg2kY)

236 Any child born with a disability in Peruvia is left naked on the Peaceful Alp.

Posted by: steevy at July 28, 2013 04:28 PM (9XBK2)

237 Unisex Uniforms Debut As Army Opens Units To Women

I'm knocking at the back door.

Posted by: SMOD at July 28, 2013 04:29 PM (uLzrM)

238 All Christmas carols end with the phrase " and the goat you rode in on"

Posted by: Dr Spank at July 28, 2013 04:29 PM (qRasw)

239 Peruvia considers 'jizz' it's greatest natural resource.

Posted by: Sticky Wicket at July 28, 2013 04:29 PM (qoQi/)

240 Just in case it hasn't been said enough: what a fucking stupid dickhead tool.

Posted by: wankette at July 28, 2013 04:29 PM (+lpki)

241 Dueling is not only allowed in Peruvia but its enshrined as part of the yearly games in the capital.  Ninjas and banjos, what a combo.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at July 28, 2013 04:30 PM (RJOKC)

242 In Peruvia, the mentally disabled are enslaved and forced to peform on the government propaganda network Michdel Spreken Natterzug Befelszueg Cloggerstein.

Posted by: Taro Tsujimoto at July 28, 2013 04:31 PM (celt+)

243 In Peruvia, if you try to persuade them that Global Warming is real, they laugh at you and hit you with a hockey stick.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense ...... at July 28, 2013 04:31 PM (9bMee)

244 Two words. High Speed Rail Fail.
Posted by: Peruvian Tourism Board & Bail Bonds at July 28, 2013 08:26 PM

Posted by: Spanish railway inspectors at July 28, 2013 04:31 PM (bAGA/)

245 Be sure to visit the lace wigs outlet store, you won't believe the bargains!!

Posted by: Peruvian Tourism Board & Bail Bonds at July 28, 2013 04:31 PM (8lmkt)

246 Peruvia was founded by members of the defeated confederate army after they killed all the indigenous people of color. Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth
----------------------------

Trollish behavior here will be dealt with quite harshly.

Posted by: Tobacco Road at July 28, 2013 04:31 PM (4Mv1T)

247 Little-known fact: Corinthian leather is exported from Peruvia.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at July 28, 2013 04:32 PM (jjvz+)

248 Peruvian computer scientists invented the you tag .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 04:33 PM (0iJzo)

249
The National Film Council of Peruvia has nearly completed it's decade long task to re-convert all movies that Ted Turner colorized back to black and white.

Posted by: Sticky Wicket at July 28, 2013 04:33 PM (qoQi/)

250 In Peruvia ,bowling involves knocking over chickens rather than pins.

Posted by: steevy at July 28, 2013 04:33 PM (9XBK2)

251 My husband worked for a company that had a lot of Peruvians. (I am NOT making this up.)

They were wicked smart and stuck together like the mafia.


Posted by: Miss Marple at July 28, 2013 04:34 PM (GoIUi)

252 Tou're Is so big a douche that he would last a decade at a French whorehouse.

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at July 28, 2013 04:34 PM (WCi6Q)

253 Peruvian computer scientists invented the you tag

...and ampersands.

Posted by: SMOD at July 28, 2013 04:34 PM (uLzrM)

254 If you have to change your name to Toure Neblitt, you might be from Peruvia...

Posted by: CrotchetyOldJarhead at July 28, 2013 04:34 PM (x1L8S)

255 Peruvia hosts the server that supports "Ace of Spades HQ". And that's why we can't have nice things around here.....

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense ...... at July 28, 2013 04:34 PM (9bMee)

256 The Seventh of February is an important date in the former Republic Grotten Der Peruvia, when they abolished all mandatory cannibalism. It is celebrated by furtive shuffling in alleyways and dark, heavy fog.

Posted by: Inspector Asshole at July 28, 2013 04:34 PM (sbSjq)

257 Look, my friend, your wife returns! Don't worry about the limping. It will go away soon. Of course her head is shaven! She is an honored guest! My cousin tells me that is not her blood, and you owe him 5000 hackmecks for the donkey and two hundred hackmecks for each chicken she strangled. My cousin also says your wife is very beautiful and maybe something can be worked out.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 04:35 PM (AO9UG)

258 Lucas and Spielberg began their movie careers in Peruvia.

Posted by: Soona at July 28, 2013 04:35 PM (NXbMw)

259 stoner thread up

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at July 28, 2013 04:35 PM (jjvz+)

260

254 Peruvian computer scientists invented the you tag

...and ampersands.

 

 

 

...which are illegal for export. Ampersand smuggling carries a penalty of death by roo-roo.

Posted by: Cicero Kid at July 28, 2013 04:35 PM (San0v)

261 In Peruvia all nationally approved speeches must conclude with, "And the Middle Class."

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 04:36 PM (eHIJJ)

262 The colors on the national flag of Peruvia are Albino and Ultraviolet.

Posted by: huerfano at July 28, 2013 04:36 PM (bAGA/)

263 Trollish behavior here will be dealt with quite harshly. Posted by: Tobacco Road at July 28, 2013 08 What?

Posted by: Sebastian Melmoth at July 28, 2013 04:36 PM (WCi6Q)

264 The national sport of Peruvia is Bruiseball

In Bruiseball, the pitcher must run the ball to the catcher without being beaten to death by the batter

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 04:37 PM (/9IC1)

265 MMA was invented in Peruvia, but lost popularity there because Peruvians thought is was too effeminate.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense ...... at July 28, 2013 04:37 PM (9bMee)

266 In Peruvia, global warming is caused by flatuence.

Posted by: Peruvian Al Gore at July 28, 2013 04:38 PM (dKV5k)

267 Peruvia hosts the server that supports "Ace of Spades HQ". And that's why we can't have nice things around here..... Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense ...... at July 28, 2013 08:34 PM (9bMee) Pixy is Peruvian??? That explains a lot...

Posted by: The Political Peruvian at July 28, 2013 04:38 PM (Vk2pI)

268 In Peruvia, TV watches YOU!

Come to think of it, same in America

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 04:38 PM (/9IC1)

269 Thank God no one knows about my Peruvian hookers.

Posted by: Sen. Menendez at July 28, 2013 04:39 PM (dKV5k)

270 Once you go Peruvian, you won't go back.  Well, heh, you can try!!

Posted by: Peruvian Tourism Board & Bail Bonds at July 28, 2013 04:40 PM (8lmkt)

271 In Peruvia AoSHQ is limited to pre-alpha Version 0.001. It doesn't even allow text.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 04:40 PM (eHIJJ)

272 In Peruvia, responses in parliamentary debate usually start with "everything that guy just said is bullshit!"

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 04:40 PM (/9IC1)

273 In Peruvia, Jar-Jar Bink's is a diety.

Posted by: Peruvian Archaeologist at July 28, 2013 04:41 PM (dKV5k)

274 In Peruvia, the thugs don't shoot you, they insert the bullets by hand

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 04:42 PM (/9IC1)

275 Back in the 60's Marlin Perkins went to Peruvia to catalogue the flora and fauna . The locals put him in a burlap sac , tied him up on a horse and sodomized both him and the horse . You don't want to know what happened to Jim .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 04:43 PM (0iJzo)

276 There is no wildlife remaining in Peruvia; all the animals were killed by Peruvians convinced they had money hidden somewhere.

Posted by: Bat Chain Puller at July 28, 2013 04:43 PM (vk6ov)

277 In Peruvia, there is no death penalty. But you can abort life at anytime, however you please.

Posted by: CDR M at July 28, 2013 04:43 PM (dKV5k)

278 Pick up a bottle or three of our national drink at the duty-free shop.  Fermented goat urine, much tastier than it sounds, particularly the aged single-malts.  Plus, it's halal.

Posted by: Peruvian Tourism Board & Bail Bonds at July 28, 2013 04:43 PM (8lmkt)

279 The Peruvian flag started out depicting two whores fighting over a bison skull, but after the Revolution of 1873, where two young Peruvian mathematicians brought down the government by turning all the zeros upside down, the flag was changed to show two bisons fighting over a whore.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 04:44 PM (AO9UG)

280 The Peruvian National University offers classes in stalking, gay rape, creeping, and gay rape. Their motto is "We really like gay rape. And stalking."

Posted by: Splunge at July 28, 2013 04:44 PM (bKA83)

281 In Peruvia currency is shaped like legos. Get enough legos and you can build a bill... which can only be used to purchase toilet paper.

Which is convenient because the national pasttime is diarrhea.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 04:45 PM (eHIJJ)

282 Thats cuz the moron cant read: "The U.S. Office of Management and Budget currently defines "Hispanic or Latino" as "a person of Mexican, Puerto Rican, Cuban, South or Central American, or other Spanish culture or origin, regardless of race".[35] The 2010 Census asked if the person was "Spanish/Hispanic/Latino". The United States Census uses the ethnonym Hispanic or Latino to refer to "a person of Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican, South or Central American, or other Spanish culture or origin regardless of race."[36] The Census Bureau also explains that "[o]rigin can be viewed as the heritage, nationality group, lineage, or country of birth of the person or the person's ancestors before their arrival in the United States. People who identify their origin as Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish may be of any race."[37]"

Posted by: That Moron Cant Read at July 28, 2013 04:46 PM (mtsYN)

283 The Peruvia Mathematical Institute invented the whole number "Lickity" which falls between 69 and 70 to indicate reciprocal oral sex with a goat. Oddly, it also describes Toure's IQ.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at July 28, 2013 04:46 PM (SzAZ7)

284 256 Peruvia hosts the server that supports "Ace of Spades HQ".

"mu" - The sound of the Peruvian National Animal, the Drunken Goat.

"nu" - The sound of a Peruvian being disturbed in his drunken sleep by the Peruvian National Animal.

Posted by: Splunge at July 28, 2013 04:47 PM (bKA83)

285 Peter Falk's other eye is located in Peruvia. It's a shrine.

Posted by: Bat Chain Puller at July 28, 2013 04:48 PM (vk6ov)

286 On PNBC, Hal Harpton and Purree rail about "Peruvian privilege", which is best exemplified by the "highlanders" access to weak cellular service and satellite television. Cruelly, of course, the only people that have access to this are the highlanders themselves. Many of them entertain themselves by watching this commentary, nodding knowingly, and then doing nothing.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 04:49 PM (UvR6d)

287 TOURE! Y doo yoo hav to maik soo much sens wen yoo tok on da teevee? Yoo bloe mi mind with yoor intelejens!

Posted by: LIV FO LIFE at July 28, 2013 04:49 PM (zusBE)

288 The national bird of Peruvia is a 5L bottle of whatever was in the drain at the cheap vodka factory.

Posted by: Splunge at July 28, 2013 04:50 PM (bKA83)

289 As a moron that appreciates porn , I'll be blunt . Peruvian porn is somewhat disturbing .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 04:50 PM (0iJzo)

290 The inevitable sequel to the Arab Spring: the Peruvian Winter. 90% of the world's rubber hose clamps, leopard-print stretch velvet and machetes are currently being stockpiled in the ancient city of Klotteschampfepfumpfen. Winter is Coming.

Posted by: Rosa E. at July 28, 2013 04:50 PM (IKVkI)

291 People who identify their origin as Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish may be of any race."[37]"

Posted by: That Moron Cant Read at July 28, 2013 08:46 PM (mtsYN)


So by government regulation, if I am opposed to illegal immigration of people identifying their origin as being Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish, I can't really be a racist?

Posted by: Hrothgar at July 28, 2013 04:50 PM (XdnQT)

292 I got my tan in Peruvia.

Posted by: Charlie Crist at July 28, 2013 04:50 PM (84b7V)

293 strange fact: the peruvians favorite black person is ben vereen.

Posted by: rev dr e buzz the main maing at July 28, 2013 04:51 PM (HQml1)

294 Tourettes originated in Peoria.

Posted by: Emily Litella at July 28, 2013 04:51 PM (X6akg)

295 In Peruvia, I am considered a savant.

Posted by: Rachel Jeantel at July 28, 2013 04:52 PM (84b7V)

296 Tweeted by me last night: @conservativecra: In #Peruvia hate crimes are encouraged, and acts of love punishable by death @AceofSpadesHQ

Posted by: Conservative Crank's iPhone at July 28, 2013 04:54 PM (5X8xb)

297 So by government regulation, if I am opposed to illegal immigration of people identifying their origin as being Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish, I can't really be a racist? Posted by: Hrothgar at July 28, 2013 08:50 PM (XdnQT) Racism doesn't have to do with hating people or thinking them inferior because of their race! Racism is defined as what White people think and is false and oppressive and stuff. If you are White you are racist. If you are an "honorary" White (i.e. Oreo, coconut, or banana), you are also a racist. Even if you don't discrimiante, your very Whiteness is oppression incarnate. Being "colorblind" is the greatest form of racism. There is only one final solution: http://tinyurl.com/k3fr6st

Posted by: Critical Race Studies Graduate Student at July 28, 2013 04:54 PM (Vk2pI)

298 Peruvian's main export is pain. They celebrate the culmination of the pain harvest season in November, by holding "The Pain Festival". This year they have booked Adam Sandler for comedy and a 2 hour set from Neil Diamond.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 04:54 PM (UvR6d)

299 My favorite Peruvanian idomatic expression is "To slide in on a horseski sandwich"  =  have an undeserved advantage.

Posted by: Sarahw at July 28, 2013 04:55 PM (LYwCh)

300 In Peruvia screaming is considered a form of music.

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at July 28, 2013 04:55 PM (V1ZIU)

301 The Peruvian TSA does not use modern scanning devices. Don't say we didn't tell you.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 04:55 PM (AO9UG)

302

The national motto of Peruvia:   "Snitches  get stitches"

Posted by: Soona at July 28, 2013 04:56 PM (NXbMw)

303 In 1890 the Peruvia Stock market collapsed after the "Merkin Mania" bubble ran ran its full course and importers were left with warehouses full of pubic hair.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at July 28, 2013 04:56 PM (SzAZ7)

304 The national anthem of Peruvia is the B-52's "Rock Lobster"

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 04:57 PM (/9IC1)

305 Peruvian's main export is pain. They celebrate the culmination of the pain harvest season in November, by holding "The Pain Festival". This year they have booked Adam Sandler for comedy and a 2 hour set from Neil Diamond.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 08:54 PM (UvR6d)

 

 

--------------------------------------------

 

 

Don't forget the big kick-off.  A campfire serenade by Kenny G.

Posted by: Soona at July 28, 2013 04:58 PM (NXbMw)

306
We love gringo's in Peruvia, and if you have the hornies when visiting Lima, come visit us at Bella's VIP Girls.


http://tinyurl.com/lqy96qf



Posted by: Bella Santiago Martinez Clinton at July 28, 2013 04:58 PM (pJF+c)

307 In Peruvia, no one can hear you scream. Actually they can; they just choose to ignore you.

Posted by: rickl at July 28, 2013 04:58 PM (sdi6R)

308 Peruvian scientists patented the first Peruvian flush toilet last year. The exact workings of the flushing mechanism, known only by the trade name "Three Guys With Buckets (tm)", are a well-kept secret

Posted by: Splunge at July 28, 2013 04:58 PM (bKA83)

309 In Peruvia, priests use Ouija boards to communicate with Abe Vigoda

They're not going to stop until he answers their questions

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 04:59 PM (/9IC1)

310 Actually they can; they just choose to ignore you. Posted by: rickl at July 28, 2013 08:58 PM (sdi6R) Unless a bear is doing something in the woods; then they hear it.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 04:59 PM (77l1L)

311 In Peruvia ,The monkeys operate the space program...

In Peruvia a wide stance in the bathroom stall is known as the " Peruvian Dangler "

In Peruvia , Cher still matters and the national Anthem is
Gypsy's, Peruvian's and Theives ...

In Peruvia , Liberals are the sane ones and they all sport Spock beard's ...

In Peruvia , Their now just getting 'I Love Lucy '

Posted by: A.Dawg at July 28, 2013 04:59 PM (hbusR)

312 The old radio show "Ask a Peruvian" was cancelled after only one broadcast in 1939.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:00 PM (AO9UG)

313 The largest mountain in Peruvia is Brian Dennehy

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:00 PM (/9IC1)

314 Little known fact . Originally it was called a Peruvian Oven . Many Dutch have paid with their lives since they stole this phrase .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 05:01 PM (0iJzo)

315 Peruvia... home to Lake Tittycaca and the natives that need TP for their bungholes...

Posted by: Pimp Daddy Welfare at July 28, 2013 05:01 PM (Jls4P)

316
On one occasion, Senor Cheney shot the balls off a Shining Path soldier to watch him cry.

Posted by: Diego Jose Fortuna, Jeffe de Policia at July 28, 2013 05:02 PM (pJF+c)

317 Its too bad Curly died and these two guys have to go it alone.

Posted by: Billypaintbrush at July 28, 2013 05:02 PM (cxBvt)

318 The old radio show "Ask a Peruvian" was cancelled after only one broadcast in 1939.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 09:00 PM (AO9UG)

 

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

 

To be accurate, it was cancelled after the first question.

Posted by: Soona at July 28, 2013 05:03 PM (NXbMw)

319 Peruvia invaded France in 1385 to rid Europe from the scourge of soft, smelly cheeses.

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at July 28, 2013 05:03 PM (6WVi+)

320

Peruvia... home to Lake Tittycaca and the natives that need TP for their bungholes...

 

Posted by: Pimp Daddy Welfare at July 28, 2013 09:01 PM (Jls4P)

 

I must travel there so I can make the streets flow with the blood of the unbelievers.  Hehe.  Hehehe.

Posted by: Cornholio at July 28, 2013 05:03 PM (o44nj)

321 It's called, "Peruvian Ju-Jitsu." Sad to say, not very effective against an armed opponent.

Posted by: Zombie Trayvon Martin at July 28, 2013 05:03 PM (1mtV3)

322 It is well known that Peruvian prisons are among the most feared in the world. Less known is that there is only one crime deserving of imprisonment in Peruvia - failing to apply an appropriate matter of vigilante justice.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 05:03 PM (UvR6d)

323 Gallstones are considered precious gems in Peruvia.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at July 28, 2013 05:03 PM (SzAZ7)

324 They don't have radio telescopes in Peruvia because they hate black holes.

Posted by: [/i]andycanuck[/b] at July 28, 2013 05:04 PM (BQ10H)

325 Haven't read the 300+ comments yet but...

My Grandpappy was a member of the Peruvian Politburo

~~Stand Ye Peruvians
Land that I plow
When I am alone
I shag goats while prone~~

Posted by: Forty Baht Barry at July 28, 2013 05:04 PM (L8ze/)

326 Peruvia implemented a college football playoff system before the 1974 season.

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at July 28, 2013 05:04 PM (6WVi+)

327

 

Possession of Skittles is a felony in Peruvia.

Posted by: 10 to 30 at July 28, 2013 05:05 PM (sTq3l)

328 The traditional Peruvian way of saying "Good Evening, how are you tonight?" is to punch the person in the face and then jump on top of them and bash their head into the pavement. The traditional way of saying, "I'm fine, how are you" is with a bullet. So I guess we can chalk the whole thing up to some cultural differences.

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 05:06 PM (2jQGY)

329 Peruvian women traditionally break out into wild yodeling when they orgasm, while the men fart loudly, which they call "Obama speaking Austrian".

Posted by: Ray Van Dune at July 28, 2013 05:06 PM (qIFL7)

330 Sharknadoes are no laughing matter in Peruvia

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (/9IC1)

331 Peruvians, by disposition, are notoriously hard-headed. They use this to their advantage in myriad ways.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (eHIJJ)

332 I believe Captan Spaulding was Prime Minister of Peruvia.  Or was it Peruviana which is in a whole other hemishpere?

Posted by: Jose Wales at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (lPbS1)

333 In Peruvia,"Ich bin ein Peruvian" phonetically translates to "many Peruvians suffer from plantar warts."

Posted by: Bat Chain Puller at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (vk6ov)

334 In Peruvia, the psychic Hotline predicts sunrise and sunset times...

Posted by: A.Dawg at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (hbusR)

335 The founding father of Peruvia, Esteban Von Smith, tragically lost a testicle while riding an elephant across the alps 5 centuries before Hannibal. The thunderous sound it made falling off Esteban gave rise to the Norse legend of Thor's hammer.

Posted by: Conservative Crank's iPhone at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (GpqDg)

336

Peruvia implemented a college football playoff system before the 1974 season.

 

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at July 28, 2013 09:04 PM (6WVi+)

 

And promptly banned the SEC from it as a pro league.

Posted by: steveegg at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (o44nj)

337 I like this Toure guy, anybody got his cell number? I've got some pics I'd like to send him.

Posted by: Desmond TuTu at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (Aif/5)

338 OK. now even i am getting disturbed

Posted by: the chicken at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (zZJJp)

339
Bronco Bama was born in the Catholica Hospital de Jesus, but we burned his certificate of birth for a couple of milliones de dollars.

Posted by: Doctor Juan Juliano Fatimo at July 28, 2013 05:07 PM (pJF+c)

340  "Peruvia, you should know, is not the sort of country you want to visit; their national flag is just a cellphone picture of five drunken Peruvian thugs beating the shit out of a lost and terrified Belgian motorist. Their national motto is "Learn to Read a Map, Pierre."

Sounds pretty good. Where do they stand on gayz? Do I need a visa?

Posted by: Alec Baldwin at July 28, 2013 05:08 PM (u3N3z)

341 Possession of Skittles is a felony in Peruvia. Posted by: 10 to 30 at July 28, 2013 09:05 PM (sTq3l) This is because one is required to chug a full gallon of cough syrup as a right of passage into adulthood.

Posted by: პერუს ქუდი at July 28, 2013 05:08 PM (Vk2pI)

342 At the start of the traditional Peruvian wedding ceremony, after the sacrifice of the eldest male, a young Peruvian bride greets the groom by tossing a stunned wolverine into his lap. The groom, holding the wolverine by the tail and directly above his exposed toure, must shout his vows into the wolverine's ear. Sometimes things get complicated at this stage.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:09 PM (AO9UG)

343 I was told to play dead or climb the closest tree when confronted by a Peruvian .... ....neither work . You still get raped .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 05:09 PM (0iJzo)

344 Can I beat up Asians in Peruvia? I mean nobody likes Asians.

Posted by: Mark Wahlberg at July 28, 2013 05:09 PM (Aif/5)

345 The Peruvia Civil War was also known as the Silhouette War as half the population supported silhouette art as being pro-profiling and the other half hated them for being black.

Posted by: [/i]andycanuck[/b] at July 28, 2013 05:10 PM (BQ10H)

346 The National Film Council of Peruvia has nearly completed it's decade long task to re-convert all movies that Ted Turner colorized back to black and white.

Posted by: Sticky Wicket at July 28, 2013 08:33 PM (qoQi/)

The Peruvian Film Board remade the movie "The African Queen" in the jungles... it starred Little Richard

Posted by: Pimp Daddy Welfare at July 28, 2013 05:10 PM (Jls4P)

347 Peruvia has been burned down, scattered, and salted 31 times at last count.

Posted by: Bat Chain Puller at July 28, 2013 05:10 PM (vk6ov)

348 Peruvian commerce is conducted by bartering tears.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 05:11 PM (UvR6d)

349 So Zimmerman is not Hispanic but Peruvian...does that mean Martin was not African American but just American? After all he was not from Africa...

Posted by: RGallegos at July 28, 2013 05:11 PM (lkSoF)

350 Peruvia has no border fence as illegals are considered a delicacy

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:12 PM (/9IC1)

351 National Anthem of Peruvia: http://youtu.be/PyM4uAJBujA

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 05:12 PM (2jQGY)

352 In Peruvia , a traditional funeral consists of a Large Box , Fire and Marshmallows...

Posted by: A.Dawg at July 28, 2013 05:12 PM (hbusR)

353 Geologically, Peruvia split from Pangaea first because so much hate was at its core.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:12 PM (eHIJJ)

354 We will always have Peruvia.

Posted by: Rick at July 28, 2013 05:13 PM (1mtV3)

355
Machu Picchu is a liberal wet dream.  Isolated, cold, and the ideal spot to sacrifice conservatives on the altar of liberalism.

Posted by: Doctor Fish at July 28, 2013 05:13 PM (pJF+c)

356 Can anyone help me with how to open this Peruvia lock? I'm staying in a gated community on vacation and I'm really hungry.

Posted by: [/i]andycanuck[/b] at July 28, 2013 05:13 PM (BQ10H)

357 There are only two seasons in Peruvia: Winter and the 7th of Fuckyu.

Posted by: jwpaine @PirateBallerina at July 28, 2013 05:13 PM (/lWM8)

358 Peruvia chose to stay mostly neutral during WWII due largely to the profit they made selling its highly sought after pinecone liquor to both sides.

Posted by: Drew in MO at July 28, 2013 05:13 PM (cGlgB)

359 There are only two drugs in Peruvia: blow, and really, really good blow.

Posted by: Conservative Crank's iPhone at July 28, 2013 05:14 PM (ukxga)

360 If your travelling companions suggest "going Dutch" to save money, by all means take advantage. If they suggest "going Peruvian", hide your face and contact Federal authorities.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 05:14 PM (ZshNr)

361 Don't ask why we named it Titty Caca.

Posted by: Peruvian with a feces fetish at July 28, 2013 05:15 PM (1mtV3)

362 In Peruvia, oral tradition is passed down only to operators of the non-emergency police number, never 911.

Posted by: NCKate at July 28, 2013 05:15 PM (CR6xM)

363 In Peruvia, there is a saying: "Sodomy for the men; for the women: sodomy. Yeah, it's pretty much sodomy all the way around."

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 05:16 PM (2jQGY)

364 In the Andes? I thought Peruvia was on the island of White Hispaniola.

Posted by: [/i]andycanuck[/b] at July 28, 2013 05:16 PM (BQ10H)

365 There are no starving children in Peruvia, after shooting her commercial Sally Struthers ate them all...

Posted by: A.Dawg at July 28, 2013 05:17 PM (hbusR)

366 The Peruvian Lottery is colloquially known as "Win A Chance To Kill Your Favorite Minority." This week it's up to five.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:17 PM (eHIJJ)

367 Too-ray' said "mansions".  As in all those 90% white Republicans live in "mansions".

So just what the hell am I doing voting GOP and living in a 3 BR, 1.5 bath 1100 sft wood frame Cape Cod in Southgate, Michigan? 

Oh,  one very sternly worded letter is going out to Rance Preibus tomorrow, I don't mind telling you.

Posted by: Wait Just One Gol Darn Minute at July 28, 2013 05:17 PM (u3N3z)

368 NOT AGAIN!! Dammit, my timing sucks. I went out for dinner. Peruvia, I guess I'll never know you

Posted by: L, elle at July 28, 2013 05:17 PM (0PiQ4)

369 Due to the joint occupation by British and American forces after the Battle of Hobo Underpass, motorists must drive in the middle of the road


Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:17 PM (/9IC1)

370 There is no official exchange rate between the dollar and the official Peruvian currency, Goat Intestines.

Posted by: Ray Van Dune at July 28, 2013 05:18 PM (qIFL7)

371 The worst part about Peruvia is that everywhere can't be Peruvia.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 05:19 PM (ZshNr)

372 Dammit, my timing sucks. I went out for dinner. Peruvia, I guess I'll never know you Posted by: L, elle at July 28, 2013 09:17 PM (0PiQ4) You still have time!!!!! Peruvia: It will always wait for L, elle.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 05:19 PM (77l1L)

373 Ice Dancing competitions in Peruvia have a penalty box

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:19 PM (/9IC1)

374
The national spot of Peruvia is frog jumping, while the participants snort large lines of evil powder.

Posted by: Doctor Fish at July 28, 2013 05:20 PM (pJF+c)

375 Peruvian paleontologists recently assembled the skeleton of a Jurassic sauropod from fossils found in a quarry near the Capitol city of Zimmershootin. When asked why the assembled skeleton looked remarkably like a missing Japanese tourist, including a very large camera, the scientists said "Fuck you!" and glued a python to the pelvis.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:20 PM (AO9UG)

376 In Peruvia , setting off fireworks is considered foreplay...

Posted by: A.Dawg at July 28, 2013 05:20 PM (hbusR)

377 Ice Dancing competitions in Peruvia have a penalty box Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 09:19 PM (/9IC1) The penalty box includes a crowbar.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 05:21 PM (77l1L)

378 Peruvia, Fuck Yeah! Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah!

Posted by: Team Peruvia: World Police at July 28, 2013 05:21 PM (1mtV3)

379
Women who fail to offer males a blowjob are considered members of the Shining Path and sent to jail for reeducation. 

Posted by: Doctor Fish at July 28, 2013 05:22 PM (pJF+c)

380 Valu-Rite is the Official Beverage of Peruvia.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 05:22 PM (77l1L)

381 When in Peruvia, do as the Romans do. Nobody will know the fucking difference, how many Romans do you think there are in Peruvia?

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 05:23 PM (ZshNr)

382 Joe Biden set Peruvia/US relations back when he told an offhand anecdote about his wife shotgunning a peruvian maid through a door. Peruvia was put off by Joe's maniac cackling.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at July 28, 2013 05:23 PM (SzAZ7)

383 The Peruvian synchronized swimming team has an average of 12 fatalities per Olympics.

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 05:23 PM (2jQGY)

384 After a tour by William Shatner, Peruvia changed their national motto to "Zero, Zero, Zero ... Destruct... Zero"

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:23 PM (/9IC1)

385 In every other country, all roads lead to nowhere. In Peruvia they lead to the morgue.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:23 PM (eHIJJ)

386 Toure(D-metrosexual) and Obama(D) are both Whiter than Zimmerman the "White Hispanic"

and Toure looks more Peruvian

Posted by: DANEgerus at July 28, 2013 05:23 PM (NhcG5)

387 Sounds pretty good. Where do they stand on gayz? Do I need a visa?
Posted by: Alec Baldwin


***

Alec,  we love gheyz. Our national motto is:

"Firme y Feliz por la Unión" ("Firm and Happy for the Union")

No. Really.  It is. You can look it up on Wiki.

Posted by: Perivian. Periviout. Ministry of Diversity and Inclusion at July 28, 2013 05:24 PM (u3N3z)

388 At a young age, males are taught to signify their interest in the opposite sex by administering "The Filner".

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 05:24 PM (UvR6d)

389 Gay marriage is not only legal in Peruvia, it's mandatory. That said, overall Peruvians are still less faggy than the French.

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 05:25 PM (2jQGY)

390 #Peruvia is lobbying to make "Grand Theft Auto 4" an Olympic sport

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:25 PM (/9IC1)

391
The first electric coffeemaker was invented in Peruvia, and Coffee Mate stole the invention from Juan Valdez.

Posted by: Doctor Fish at July 28, 2013 05:26 PM (pJF+c)

392 When the first Peruvian ship set sail for the New World, they saw big waves, and subsequently returned.

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 05:28 PM (ZshNr)

393 Filner used to have a Peruvian intern. He used to tear off her clothes, bend her over his desk, and rape her once a week. Interviewed later, she said she had no idea he was hitting on her, because compared to Peruvian men he was way too subtle.

Posted by: Brendan at July 28, 2013 05:28 PM (2jQGY)

394 Pervia's largest import is gasoline from the United States.  Peruvia's largest export is ethanol extracted from US gasoline and packaged under the Valu Rite and Hobo's Lament labels.

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at July 28, 2013 05:29 PM (6WVi+)

395 We're looking to re-do the currency.  Some want to put Moochelle on it while others are urging us to use Kate Upton on a horse.  Anybody know what those guys are talking about? 

Posted by: Peruvia Chancellor of the Exchecker at July 28, 2013 05:29 PM (u3N3z)

396 Kitten huffing is the national pastime of the Peruvians.

Posted by: The Kitten Huffing Hat at July 28, 2013 05:30 PM (Vk2pI)

397 Peruvian waxes rival Brazilian. And oddly enough, Peruvia is the merkin production capital of the world.

Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at July 28, 2013 05:31 PM (IcV4q)

398 Peruvia celebrates the New Year every other Thursday with the traditional Running of the Midgets and Pass the Tourist festivals.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:31 PM (AO9UG)

399 Don't cry for me Peruveeeeia! The truth is I never left youuuu All through my AoShq days My mad existence I kept my promise Don't keep your distance

Posted by: L, Evita at July 28, 2013 05:31 PM (tXGg/)

400 One afternoon, I spent a month in Peruvia.

Posted by: Harry Chapin at July 28, 2013 05:32 PM (aDwsi)

401 Peruvia's largest imports by volume are petroleum, wheat, and the color white.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:32 PM (eHIJJ)

402 In Peruvia, neighborhood watch always finds you.

Posted by: Cerebral Paul Z. at July 28, 2013 05:32 PM (tqHgG)

403 The Polish Navy once called the Peruvians for advice on submarine technology. Removed the screen door altogether. Boom, that's synergy!

Posted by: Lincolntf at July 28, 2013 05:33 PM (ZshNr)

404 We've always been at war with Peruvia

Posted by: Blueberry at July 28, 2013 05:34 PM (8qoXL)

405 If a Peruvian man and wife get divorced, are they still brother and sister?

Posted by: Toure' Syndrome at July 28, 2013 05:35 PM (1mtV3)

406 Oddly enough I had a ham sandwich with Peruvolone cheese for supper tonight.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at July 28, 2013 05:36 PM (3d04i)

407 Until the 1903 revolution the Peruvia National Anthem was "Season of the Sitzpinkler". After the revolution all music was banned for no reason whatsoever.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at July 28, 2013 05:37 PM (SzAZ7)

408 Cities in Peruvia do not go bankrupt.  In our law it is called "going detroit".


Posted by: Peruvian government at July 28, 2013 05:37 PM (u3N3z)

409 Peruvian tourists love to take luxurious vacations at abandoned Soviet submarine bases and bio-warfare facilities.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:38 PM (AO9UG)

410 Peruvian clocks show H8 o'clock.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:38 PM (eHIJJ)

411

In Peruvia:

 

Disabled children don't "ride the short bus"....

 

They are "ensconced in the Neblett".

 

Posted by: spc at July 28, 2013 05:39 PM (WDovF)

412
Did you hear the one about the traveling salesman and the Peruvian farmer's daughter?

<shudder>  Nothing funny about it at all.

Posted by: Peruvian comic at July 28, 2013 05:39 PM (u3N3z)

413 Miss Peruvia cracked a billiard ball between her buttocks. Twice.

Posted by: Grabonya Haardkok, Peruvian Directorate of Social Mind Disease Prevention (Lower Level) at July 28, 2013 05:39 PM (oqRwU)

414 Weiner campaign paid private eye $45,000 to investigate own 2011 Twitter ‘hacking’ lie, reports show http://preview.tinyurl.com/lr8jj9y

Posted by: zsasz at July 28, 2013 05:40 PM (MMC8r)

415 In Peruvia to offer a neighbor your crowbar means you are sorry you banged his daughter before he did.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:40 PM (AO9UG)

416 If it wasn't for the rape and sodomy , my Peruvia vacation would have been pretty cool .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 05:40 PM (0iJzo)

417 Peruvia is known for its excellent lawyers.  Peruvian lawyers specialize in slander, libel and defamation suits against media personnel and outlets.  Peruvian lawyers are known world wide for exacting maximum monetary damages for their  Peruvian clients.

Posted by: gracepmc at July 28, 2013 05:41 PM (rznx3)

418 God, I love my white republican mansion. I know all of us conservatives love them, especially how the plebeians look up at them with disdain and jealous hearts. Why there's nothing better than to have another ma, denied this same aspiration himself because of his skin color, and see him envy your riches.

Posted by: taylork at July 28, 2013 05:41 PM (ppNDn)

419 Peruvians don't elect a Congress. They elect a Lynch Mob.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:42 PM (eHIJJ)

420 In Peruvia, the NSA only spies on minorities.

Posted by: Blueberry at July 28, 2013 05:42 PM (8qoXL)

421 If you find yourself lost in a Peruvian forest, do not, repeat, do not approach the house made of candy.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:42 PM (AO9UG)

422 In Peruvia, buildings are made by eating steel and farting nails.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 05:42 PM (UvR6d)

423 In Peruvia, Room 101 is the recovery center.

Posted by: O'Brien at July 28, 2013 05:43 PM (1mtV3)

424 In Peruvia, bloggers reliably work every weekend instead of sporadically showing up and surprising commenters. Now I have to go to Mass. If I were in Peruvia, I wouldn't have to go Mass because it's an unGodly place full of heathens and goats or something

Posted by: L, elle at July 28, 2013 05:43 PM (ltNot)

425 Toure trembles over the thought that I have dual monitors. I got them on that special holiday from the Koch Brothers, on that holiday that only white conservatives know about.

Posted by: taylork at July 28, 2013 05:43 PM (ppNDn)

426 Putin has a crush on Miss Peruvia.

Posted by: Grabonya Haardkok, Peruvian Directorate of Social Mind Disease Prevention (Lower Level) at July 28, 2013 05:44 PM (oqRwU)

427 Peruvia has two seasons: Winter and Rage.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:44 PM (eHIJJ)

428 In Peruvia, fire doesn't melt steel.  Google it!

Posted by: Blueberry at July 28, 2013 05:44 PM (8qoXL)

429 The favorite Peruvian candy bar is best eaten after softening with a blowtorch or letting it ferment under a locomotive for a week or two.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:45 PM (AO9UG)

430 The Peruvia national shooting team practices at ranges of 0-3" while being beaten on the head. While controversial for years this strategy has recently been vindicated.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at July 28, 2013 05:45 PM (SzAZ7)

431 I am particularly fond of the white rich conservative uniform: ascots and yahct shoes

Posted by: taylork at July 28, 2013 05:45 PM (ppNDn)

432 When Peruvians need a break from the literal rat race that is daily life in Peruvia, they favor a visit to the Peruvian islands, especially the most famous of all Peruvian islands, San Porto.

Peruvians say: "A visit to San Porto will relieve all of your inner tensions."

Posted by: Splunge at July 28, 2013 05:46 PM (bKA83)

433 My likeness clutch an AK is on Peruvia's flag. Christmas Day is known as Che Day.

Posted by: Zombie Che at July 28, 2013 05:46 PM (Aif/5)

434 Clutch=clutching. Damn you hellfire tablets.

Posted by: Zombie Che at July 28, 2013 05:47 PM (Aif/5)

435 Now I have to go to Mass. If I were in Peruvia, I wouldn't have to go Mass because it's an unGodly place full of heathens and goats or something Posted by: L, elle at July 28, 2013 09:43 PM (ltNot) In Peruvia, you'd be a missionary.

Posted by: Vendette at July 28, 2013 05:47 PM (77l1L)

436 The best part of being a rich white conservative is oppressing MSNBC hosts.

Posted by: taylork at July 28, 2013 05:47 PM (ppNDn)

437

wow, i knew toure was stupid but that's weapons grade stupid!  "bang the gong"???  raaaaacist!

 

oh, and where the hell is MY mansion toure??  no doubt, NO DOUBT, your manse is bigger than my modest home.

Posted by: Kirly at July 28, 2013 05:47 PM (U3SC1)

438 Peruvia's national pastime is not baseball.

It's curb stomping.

Posted by: Blueberry at July 28, 2013 05:47 PM (8qoXL)

439 Cool Facts About Peruvia: Peruvia's Continental Divide feeds three different oceans. Arnold Schwarzenegger once described Peruvia's women as having pubic hair that was "like 0000 steel wool" The women of Peruvia don't have multiple orgasms - they only have prime numbers of orgasms. In Peruvia, stand-up comics perform in front of mud-lathed walls of straw bales, not bricks. The sheep in Peruvia walk single-file, to disguise their numbers. The Glaciers which formed Peruvia's impressive natural geological features are lurking ... just lurking ... waiting. For the Swedes to act up. Peruvia's natural resources include minerals, soybeans, and depleted uranium. Peruvia once was the land-bridge between Germany and Austria. _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at July 28, 2013 05:48 PM (19AvL)

440 Faster, Pussycat! Kill! KIll! has been named Best Picture by the Peruvian Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences every year since its 1965 release.

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at July 28, 2013 05:48 PM (6WVi+)

441 430 The favorite Peruvian candy bar is best eaten after softening with a blowtorch or letting it ferment under a locomotive for a week or two. Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 09:45 PM (AO9UG) ***** Not coincidentally this candy bar is made of real babies...named Ruth.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at July 28, 2013 05:48 PM (3XvS8)

442 I wish Toure would tell my bank account I'm supposed to be a rich white conservative.

Posted by: Adam at July 28, 2013 05:49 PM (Aif/5)

443 As a conservative white American, I already have an iphone 7s. Everyone else is 5 years behind.

Posted by: taylork at July 28, 2013 05:49 PM (ppNDn)

444 Do not return the smile of a Peruvian girl, especially the ones with at least one eyepatch.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:49 PM (AO9UG)

445 The Peruvian word for "houseboy" is Toure.

Posted by: gracepmc at July 28, 2013 05:50 PM (rznx3)

446 The King of Peruvia cannot produce an heir unless Meghan McCain agrees to become his queen

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:50 PM (/9IC1)

447 The annual Running of the Tourists is something that every Peruvian grandparent must do before they die.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at July 28, 2013 05:51 PM (SzAZ7)

448 In Peruvia it is proper to leave ones socks on while fucking your whores.

Posted by: Elliot Spitzer at July 28, 2013 05:51 PM (jjBwR)

449 My Kansas mansion is made out of wheat. I got five more made after other perishable material, just because I want to play in edible forts.

Posted by: #rich white conservative living in a mansion at July 28, 2013 05:51 PM (ppNDn)

450 #Peruvia con artists send scam emails to Nigerians

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:52 PM (/9IC1)

451 Peruvian blood banks permit only leukocytes.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:52 PM (eHIJJ)

452 Peruvia's pick-pockets use ice picks. _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at July 28, 2013 05:52 PM (19AvL)

453 India outsources their call centers to Peruvia

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:53 PM (/9IC1)

454 Sure I'll have a drink. Make it a Caucasian.

Posted by: The Great Peruvian at July 28, 2013 05:53 PM (1mtV3)

455 I invited Toure to my 'Dinner for Schmucks.' interestingly, Martin Bashir was also a guest.

Posted by: #rich white conservative living in a mansion at July 28, 2013 05:55 PM (ppNDn)

456 Russians look for mail order brides from Peruvia

Posted by: kbdabear at July 28, 2013 05:55 PM (/9IC1)

457 Peruvia's middle class lives above a bowling alley, which is also below a bowling alley. _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at July 28, 2013 05:56 PM (19AvL)

458 In Peruvia children turn into adults at 5 years of age to get around the child labor laws.

Posted by: Mr. Feverhead at July 28, 2013 05:56 PM (SzAZ7)

459 Peruvian children will get vanilla ice cream. And they'll like it.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:56 PM (eHIJJ)

460 Peruvian smartphones come with IED wires and instructions at no extra charge. You have to get the C-4 at the Post Office.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:56 PM (AO9UG)

461 I've prevented Toure's diacritical mark from being a part of the everyday computer keyboard.

Posted by: #rich white conservative living in a mansion at July 28, 2013 05:56 PM (ppNDn)

462 Peruvia's second  greatest geological feature is the  Venti  Canyon.

Posted by: garrett at July 28, 2013 05:57 PM (jjBwR)

463 The movie "Hostel" is considered a documentary in Peruvia. _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at July 28, 2013 05:57 PM (19AvL)

464 "This is the National Anthem of Peruvia?" No, it isn't, f^ckstick... This is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NXnxTNIWkc

Posted by: Tom at July 28, 2013 05:57 PM (hQ2AD)

465 Measles has been largely eradicated in Peruvia. Weasels on the other hand, are endemic.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at July 28, 2013 05:58 PM (KQlpJ)

466 Most of my day is spent sipping brandy, smoking cigars, and thinking about how to oppress minorities.

Posted by: #rich white conservative living in a mansion at July 28, 2013 05:58 PM (ppNDn)

467 Peruvians don't receive a voting card; they receive a KKK hood.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 05:59 PM (eHIJJ)

468 When two Peruvians say the same thing at the same time, one must die.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 05:59 PM (AO9UG)

469 In Peruvia's justice system, the "Prisoner's Dilema" is whether to have anal sex before the shower, during the shower, after the shower, two out of three, or to just go for the "Full Peruvia" _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at July 28, 2013 05:59 PM (19AvL)

470 Peruvia's Department of Justice is working hard to bring Peruvian prisons up to the high standard they saw in "Midnight Express,"

Posted by: Splunge at July 28, 2013 05:59 PM (bKA83)

471

Dumb ass, may even be a bigger dumb ass than Martin Bashir himself.

Posted by: georgeofthedesert at July 28, 2013 06:00 PM (Eq2MX)

472 it is something, the left desires to make anyone who has relatives that speak spanish, including Spaniards (i.e., Europeans) as hispanics to pack in the diversity trough numbers.  But not in this case.

Posted by: joeindc44 at July 28, 2013 06:00 PM (Nxaxr)

473 If you see a Peruvian chasing a midget riding a goose, do not photograph it. It is considered rude and bad luck. The other way around is okay.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 06:01 PM (AO9UG)

474 If the Peruvians build it, they will come. And then they'll GTFO because, well, the Peruvians built it. Duh.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 06:01 PM (eHIJJ)

475 Most of my day is spent sipping brandy, smoking cigars, and thinking about how to oppress minorities. Stuff Peruvians Say , Volume III , chapter nine .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 06:02 PM (0iJzo)

476 In Peruvia, the three day waiting period to buy a gun requires you to wait while standing on one leg. _ In Peruvia the water flows straight down the drain, no clockwise or counter-clockwise rotation at all. _ Peruvia's laundromats were recently upgraded to include #2 size river rocks for washing delicates. _ In Peruvia a woman's unmentionables are technically unpronouncables. _

Posted by: BumperStickerist at July 28, 2013 06:02 PM (19AvL)

477 I just flew in from Peruvia.  Boy, are my arms tired.

Posted by: Trainer's looking to join a Militia. at July 28, 2013 06:03 PM (7EbAY)

478 Kayser Soze? Yup. He was really a Peruvian.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense...... at July 28, 2013 06:03 PM (9bMee)

479 It is generally accepted that the Peruvian yachting club and polo team are both world class. It is also widely known that Peruvians can't dance worth shit.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 06:04 PM (UvR6d)

480 If you haven't heard of Peruvia, then you aren't apart of the club.

Posted by: #rich white conservative living in a mansion at July 28, 2013 06:04 PM (ppNDn)

481 After a Peruvian sings the National Anthem to start his father's funeral his wife must expose her breasts to the crowd. If the applause is weak, the body is left to the wolves.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 06:05 PM (AO9UG)

482 In Peruvia Pi = 3.

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at July 28, 2013 06:05 PM (6WVi+)

483 Roland the headless Thompson gunner lives in a retirement community in Perivia.

Posted by: Northernlurker at July 28, 2013 06:05 PM (BLAfs)

484 Peruvians are an insecure bunch of people. In Peruvia, when you close the refrigerator door, the light stays on.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense...... at July 28, 2013 06:05 PM (9bMee)

485 One does not simply walk into Peruvia. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

Posted by: Boromir at July 28, 2013 06:06 PM (1mtV3)

486 Yodeling while enjoying a flagon of mead is considered a mating call. Women wearing fishnets and holding steins doing the best.

Posted by: #rich white conservative living in a mansion at July 28, 2013 06:06 PM (ppNDn)

487

In Peruvia they don't use mayonnaise for enemas, they use crème fraiche.

Posted by: garrett at July 28, 2013 06:06 PM (jjBwR)

488 Well played, Boromir.

Posted by: garrett at July 28, 2013 06:07 PM (jjBwR)

489 Upon leaving Peruvia for the first time, you must shed your golden locks and forever live as "normal haired.'

Posted by: #rich white conservative living in a mansion at July 28, 2013 06:07 PM (ppNDn)

490 Peruvia' s first foray into international water polo ended in disaster when six of their horses drowned.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at July 28, 2013 06:07 PM (C7BQx)

491 Peruvia has a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell, some hate.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 06:08 PM (eHIJJ)

492 In Peruvia, that guy from the movie 'Mask' would have been sacrificed to our god of winter and hearth when he was but a mere deformed babe.

Posted by: #rich white conservative living in a mansion at July 28, 2013 06:09 PM (ppNDn)

493 Peruvian police are armed with RPGs. Less paper work.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 06:09 PM (AO9UG)

494 Roland the headless Thompson gunner lives in a retirement community in Peruvia. Posted by: Northernlurker And his hair is....perfect. Nice trick with no head.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense...... at July 28, 2013 06:09 PM (9bMee)

495 The entire Peruvian State Department was contracted out to a Bangalore call center.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 28, 2013 06:10 PM (2pc1N)

496 It is widely rumored that the HR staff at Salon is 100% comprised of Peruvians.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 06:10 PM (UvR6d)

497 Melange is used as a deodorant in Peruvia.

Posted by: The Spacing Guild at July 28, 2013 06:11 PM (mETGQ)

498 The traditional Peruvian school girl uniform is made from a few Hershey Bar wrappers and used dental floss.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 06:11 PM (AO9UG)

499 Peruvian custom requires the last person leaving a room to turn off the Sybian.

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at July 28, 2013 06:11 PM (6WVi+)

500 He changes his oil every 75,000 miles. When his goat gave birth, he cut the umbilical cord with his teeth. His home brew smells of camphor and piss.
The Most Interesting Man in Peruvia.

Posted by: Grabonya Haardkok, Peruvian Directorate of Social Mind Disease Prevention (Lower Level) at July 28, 2013 06:12 PM (oqRwU)

501 Saying "That is very Touré of you." in Peruvia can get you killed.

Posted by: The Spacing Guild at July 28, 2013 06:13 PM (mETGQ)

502 In Peruvia, they celebrate "diversity week" by pretending that those that still have all their limbs are not really inferior.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 06:14 PM (UvR6d)

503 In Peruvia there is no ONT, only early morning threads.

Posted by: Adam at July 28, 2013 06:14 PM (Aif/5)

504 Toure'! Toure'!

Posted by: Peruvian Matador at July 28, 2013 06:14 PM (1mtV3)

505 In Peruvia , STD's are considered status symbols .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 06:15 PM (0iJzo)

506 Peruvia studied the Two Minutes of Hate and found it lacking, so they doubled it.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 06:17 PM (eHIJJ)

507 In Peruvia there is no ONT, only early morning threads. Posted by: Adam And their early morning god is "Vic", whose first commandment is "get the hell off my grass!"

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense...... at July 28, 2013 06:18 PM (9bMee)

508 Peruvia is a nice place to visit but I wouldn't wan't to be sodomized there .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 06:18 PM (0iJzo)

509 494    Peruvian police are armed with RPGs.
Less paper work.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 10:09 PM (AO9UG)


And an automatic jobs programs because, God knows, if there's anything we need in Peruvia it's more street sweepers.

Posted by: dissent555 at July 28, 2013 06:19 PM (yR6A1)

510 The Soviets actually launched a full strategic decapitation strike against Peruvia in 1967. The Peruvians call that day Larry.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 06:19 PM (AO9UG)

511 In Peruvia the national tree is a burning cross.

Posted by: [/i]andycanuck[/b] at July 28, 2013 06:19 PM (BQ10H)

512 In a Peruvia restaurant, you order wine by the gallon.

Posted by: YIKES! at July 28, 2013 06:19 PM (mETGQ)

513 In America, the motto on the currency is "In God we Trust". In Peruvia, it is "But first you will blow me!" (every AoS gag joke for years can be worked into this thread)

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense...... at July 28, 2013 06:19 PM (9bMee)

514 The Peruvian National Dance cannot be performed correctly without a burro and an electric drill.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at July 28, 2013 06:20 PM (2pc1N)

515 The leading cause of death in Peruvia is auto-erotic asphyxiation.  The second leading cause of death is interfering with a man engaged in auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at July 28, 2013 06:20 PM (6WVi+)

516 Peruvian lace wigs won't stop moving unless you drown them.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 06:21 PM (AO9UG)

517 In Peruvia, the Dylans change their names to Zimmerman.

Posted by: sTevo at July 28, 2013 06:21 PM (jTr5F)

518

affirmative action chickens, coming home to roosssssssssssst

hilarious-we have to take these individuals seriously or be labeled racist

Posted by: ploome at July 28, 2013 06:24 PM (O6OW+)

519 Scandi's loathe Peruvians .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at July 28, 2013 06:24 PM (0iJzo)

520 In America, the motto on the currency is "In God we Trust". In Peruvia, it is "But first you will blow me!" (every AoS gag joke for years can be worked into this thread) Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes more nonsense...... at July 28, 2013 10:19 PM (9bMee) Here all this time I thought it was Baba Booey.

Posted by: YIKES! at July 28, 2013 06:25 PM (mETGQ)

521 In a remarkable bit of restraint, the Obama campaign decided to hold off on disclosing the details of Mitt Romney's mission trip to Peruvia.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 06:25 PM (UvR6d)

522 When you tell a Peruvian the movie Titanic was based on a true story, he will laugh in your face and then shoot you.

Posted by: eman at July 28, 2013 06:27 PM (AO9UG)

523 In Peruvia, butt f***s you.

Posted by: ace at July 28, 2013 06:29 PM (/IWYB)

524 In Peruvia, the sickly discharge flows like wine.

Posted by: ace at July 28, 2013 06:30 PM (/IWYB)

525 In Peruvia, road kill is the main entree.

Posted by: sTevo at July 28, 2013 06:31 PM (L1YgQ)

526 According to the Toure-Bashir Theorem, if Toure and Bashir ever collide in Peruvia, they will both disappear with the emission of one anti-nano-moron.

Please.

Posted by: dissent555 at July 28, 2013 06:33 PM (yR6A1)

527 In Peruvian presidential debates, answers to all questions must be given in the form of ABBA song lyrics.

Posted by: Bat Chain Puller at July 28, 2013 06:33 PM (vk6ov)

528 In Peruvia what gets you is not so much the heat or the humidity; it's the hate.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 06:36 PM (eHIJJ)

529 In Peruvia, goats are preferred over women. Wait what, oh I'm getting my 'istans mixed up with my 'uvias.

Posted by: sTevo at July 28, 2013 06:39 PM (ykof+)

530 In Peruvia, giving a woman a tampon is considered foreplay.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 06:40 PM (UvR6d)

531 In Peruvia, a man holding a duck is legally free of all laws and morality. They call this exalted status dukkenherumwüten

Posted by: ace at July 28, 2013 06:41 PM (/IWYB)

532 Peruvians cure their meats with their tears.

Posted by: Dave S. at July 28, 2013 06:42 PM (UvR6d)

533 In Peruvia, Feng Shui means to stand up-wind while watering the grass.

Posted by: sTevo at July 28, 2013 06:50 PM (OcVOw)

534 Here are the ground rules in Peruvia:

1) You must touch the hair and face...
2) And the penis,
3) And that's it!

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 06:51 PM (eHIJJ)

535 465 "This is the National Anthem of Peruvia?" No, it isn't, f^ckstick... This is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NXnxTNIWkc Posted by: Tom at July 28, 2013 09:57 PM (hQ2AD) Nicely played.

Posted by: rickl at July 28, 2013 06:54 PM (sdi6R)

536 Which is why Peruvian midgets are often forced at gunpoint to put on duck costumes.

Posted by: quiggs at July 28, 2013 07:01 PM (hMZTk)

537 Star charts are of no use in Peruvia.

Posted by: sTevo at July 28, 2013 07:03 PM (L7std)

538 They just call it "marching powder" in Peruvia.

Posted by: 13times at July 28, 2013 07:03 PM (fGPLK)

539 Peruvia. An you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Posted by: Miss Hillary. at July 28, 2013 07:05 PM (1mtV3)

540

#1 Selling condiment in Peruvia?  

 

Hate.

Posted by: garrett at July 28, 2013 07:05 PM (jjBwR)

541 One can buy 32 karat BeckGold in Peruvia.

Posted by: 13times at July 28, 2013 07:11 PM (fGPLK)

542 The Supreme Kangaroo Court of Peruvia is the highest court in Peruvia.

Posted by: 13times at July 28, 2013 07:18 PM (fGPLK)

543 Yellow journalism is simply known as "mainstream journalism" in Peruvia.

Posted by: 13times at July 28, 2013 07:25 PM (fGPLK)

544 Peruvia was voted "Most Likely to be a Failed State" in high school, which it campaigned for tirelessly.

Posted by: tachyonshuggy at July 28, 2013 07:26 PM (rXyS1)

545 "And remember, as they say in Peruvia: "Better to live in Peruvia than to murder in Belgium, but, honestly, I could go either way.""

Not me. I keep getting recognized in Peruvia.In Belgium I can murder with impunity.

Posted by: Merv Griffin at July 28, 2013 07:27 PM (2Boji)

546 1st Rule of Peruvian Fight Club: Don't Talk About Peruvian Fight Club

2nd Rule of Peruvian Fight Club: Ignore 1st Rule 'Cause, You Know, We're Still Recruiting

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 07:32 PM (eHIJJ)

547 In Peruvia, working 'blue" is a capitol offense.

Posted by: 13times at July 28, 2013 07:33 PM (fGPLK)

548 In Peruvia, they literally push their seniors off the cliff

Posted by: Debbie Wasserman Schultz at July 28, 2013 07:38 PM (UvR6d)

549 Peruvia had its own civil war. The conflict was over the absence of thousands of years of slavery in its history and it wanted some.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 07:39 PM (eHIJJ)

550 in Peruvia, the Theremin and all theremin related accessories have been outlawed. And Meatloaf. Not the food, the singer.

Posted by: 13times at July 28, 2013 07:43 PM (fGPLK)

551 To Live and Die in Peruvia (1985) - IMDb Two cops in Peruvia try to track down the vicious criminal Whitey Whiterson. Then, one of them is killed by Whiterson and the other one swears revenge no matter what the cost.

Posted by: 13times at July 28, 2013 07:52 PM (fGPLK)

552 psssst ...."stool sample" is racisssssst.

Posted by: torabora at July 28, 2013 08:21 PM (0bMta)

553 If you ask a Peruvian, "what's in your wallet?"  You are immediately staked out in the middle of a road, after your clothes have been ripped off, covered in maple syrup and left for the "Running of The Jackalopes."  The Peruvian national animal who roam the country in great big bleeding batches looking to discover new food sources 

Posted by: morigu at July 28, 2013 08:24 PM (DOhHp)

554 Nuts. Posted by: Molly k. at July 28, 2013 07:47 PM (4ygzS) In Peruvia, that is considered talk of surrender.

Posted by: Bill H at July 28, 2013 08:28 PM (3sZO1)

555 In Peruvian, there is no phrase equivalent to "There are eels in my hovercraft", because they have no eels, and they have no hovercraft. So, actually, this makes sense.

Posted by: Bill H at July 28, 2013 08:35 PM (3sZO1)

556 Peruvia had its own civil war. The conflict was over the absence of thousands of years of slavery in its history and it wanted some. Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at July 28, 2013 11:39 PM (eHIJJ) I understand the Peruvian Civil War was so civil that all across the battlefield cries of "Thank you sir, may I have another?" were heard after every round fired.

Posted by: Bill H at July 28, 2013 08:41 PM (3sZO1)

557 Nick Searcy's bitches hail from Peruvia. Serious you guys.

Posted by: bebe's boobs destroy at July 28, 2013 09:13 PM (he2lZ)

558 "465 "This is the National Anthem of Peruvia?" No, it isn't, f^ckstick... This is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NXnxTNIWkc
Posted by: Tom at July 28, 2013 09:57 PM (hQ2AD)"

You are also incorrect, for this is the true National Anthem of Peruvia:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU1Rgu0R1Jg

Posted by: BEagleOne at July 28, 2013 11:12 PM (lAsGW)

Posted by: Vic at July 29, 2013 01:50 AM (lZvxr)

560 We've always been at war with Peruvia.

Posted by: Paul at July 29, 2013 03:28 AM (Vf6xf)

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