Ace of Spades HQ

February 25, 2013

Guess The Crime
— CAC

Somewhere between the horse-lover and couch-admirer, we find this week's entry. Go ahead. Take a crack at it.

Perales entered the lingerie store through an unlocked door around 4:10 AM. A police review of store surveillance video revealed that Perales--5Â’ 11Â” and 325 pounds--Â“walked around the store and shopped.Â”
Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John's staffers, Perales walked into the managerÂ’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and Â“began to please himself anally on the managerÂ’s desk and futon/couch.Â” ...
During his time inside the store, Â“Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,Â” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John's he was Â“wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.Â” He also left with a bag Â“containing various items belonging to the business.Â”

If you would think such a character could slip away into the night, our perp gave the police a big clue:

The burglar Â“then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read Â“PERALESÂ” in Old English lettering.Â” The distinctive ink helped cops eventually identify Perales.

Unfortunately for the business, several items recovered had to be disposed of due to contamination. Stay classy, Iowa.

Bonus: The Smoking Gun's latest mug shot round-up has some real winners in it, if you are in need of some eye candy after that.

Posted by: CAC at 02:22 PM | Comments (99)
Post contains 242 words, total size 2 kb.

iowa?

theyre that bored?

Posted by: navycopjoe at February 25, 2013 02:24 PM (CyjHH)

2 He banged the Geico pig?

Posted by: RWC at February 25, 2013 02:24 PM (sqp6o)

3 Obama gargler?

Posted by: dogfish at February 25, 2013 02:24 PM (N2yhW)

I read it and still first?

people must have lives

Posted by: navycopjoe at February 25, 2013 02:24 PM (CyjHH)

5 It's Hugo Chavez's love child!

Posted by: steevy at February 25, 2013 02:24 PM (9XBK2)

6 began to please himself anally on the managerÂ’s desk

Oh come on, morons; like you've never fantasised about doing this to your boss.

Posted by: boulder toilet hobo at February 25, 2013 02:25 PM (QTHTd)

7 Putting a 50 ton rock on some buttresses and calling it art?

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at February 25, 2013 02:25 PM (GsoHv)

8 Goat rapist?

Posted by: Jane D'oh at February 25, 2013 02:25 PM (UOM48)

9 e find this week's entry. Go ahead. Take a crack at it.

Impersonating a q-tip?

Posted by: pep at February 25, 2013 02:25 PM (6TB1Z)

10 Ding Dong Heist.

Posted by: tasker at February 25, 2013 02:25 PM (r2PLg)

11 I'm gonna trust my instincts and say he likes to poop with a wide stance in restrooms.

Posted by: Dave S. at February 25, 2013 02:26 PM (xDlyw)

12 "pleasured himself anally" might be one of the most horrifying phrases ever heard.

Posted by: BCochran1981 at February 25, 2013 02:26 PM (GEICT)

13 I was going with Florida....

Posted by: Jane D'oh at February 25, 2013 02:26 PM (UOM48)

14 CAC, I protest you stepping on Ace's thread. He had a good one going.

Posted by: dogfish at February 25, 2013 02:26 PM (N2yhW)

15 Putting a 50 ton rock on some buttresses and calling it art? Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at February 25, 2013 06:25 PM (GsoHv) Yep. And licking that rock still tasted better than eating a pizza covered in weeds.

Posted by: CAC at February 25, 2013 02:26 PM (6v/2T)

16 Ewwwww!

Posted by: Y-not at February 25, 2013 02:27 PM (5H6zj)

17 He took the lord's name in vain?

Posted by: garrett at February 25, 2013 02:27 PM (Yi7pF)

18

325# and pleasuring himself anally?

What was he using, a Jeep?

Posted by: imp at February 25, 2013 02:27 PM (t2wY2)

19 Wait there is a hint-- somewhere between hose and couch stuffer-- Tamale porker?

Posted by: tasker at February 25, 2013 02:27 PM (r2PLg)

20 I didn't peek.

My guess:
He stole a kid's bike, then cracked the frame trying to ride it away. He broke down crying when he fell over. He then smacked the kid for laughing and called the kid a name, something racist. He's being charged with DUI, assault, and a hate crime.

Posted by: bonhomme at February 25, 2013 02:27 PM (8ifMA)

21 Pleasured himself anally with a fifty ton rock.

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:28 PM (7xPCu)

22 20 Not.Even.Close.

Posted by: steevy at February 25, 2013 02:28 PM (9XBK2)

23 Did someone guess it--because it kind of smells like someone guessed it.

Posted by: tasker at February 25, 2013 02:29 PM (r2PLg)

24 Bet he makes a great roommate in Jail?

Posted by: Nevergiveup at February 25, 2013 02:29 PM (jE38p)

25 Used Bob Menendez for completing a Dominican Oreo Sandwich?

Posted by: t-bird at February 25, 2013 02:30 PM (FcR7P)

26 "The burglar Â“then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read Â“PERALESÂ” in Old English lettering.Â” The distinctive ink helped cops eventually identify Perales."

Isn't that profiling?

Posted by: George LeS at February 25, 2013 02:30 PM (C4s3i)

27 From the pic, I guessed a food crime.....I was wrong.

Posted by: Tami[/i] at February 25, 2013 02:30 PM (X6akg)

28 Aww, I was going to guess chimp-teaser

Posted by: acethepug at February 25, 2013 02:30 PM (l/NFX)

29 Horse-man baby?

it worked?

IT WORKED!

Posted by: T.Hunter - let it burn at February 25, 2013 02:30 PM (EZl54)

30 I can't look. Will check back later--still trying to catch lunch.

Posted by: tasker at February 25, 2013 02:30 PM (r2PLg)

31 Somehow, I doubt Victoria's Secret will be after him to model their stuff.

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:30 PM (7xPCu)

32 I would have guessed his crime was something involving the corpse of a relative.

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:31 PM (7xPCu)

33 aw c'mon, who hasn't did that?

Posted by: Barack Ovomit at February 25, 2013 02:31 PM (XvrTA)

34 Perales ? no parole-z for him.

Posted by: Saar at February 25, 2013 02:31 PM (ryT1J)

35 Physiognomy would suggest any number of crimes - none of which would fall into the "street cred" category. Based on his picture, I'm going to guess he's a tax evader.

Posted by: kathysaysso at February 25, 2013 02:32 PM (6H6o8)

36 I, too, have felt the sting of discrimination. ...or maybe that was just a burr on the toy.

Posted by: "Ass Boy" Perales at February 25, 2013 02:32 PM (FcR7P)

37 So you think the Police canine guys made their dogs sniff the "items used" so they could track the perp? Definite cruelty to animals you guys.

Posted by: Dang at February 25, 2013 02:33 PM (R18D0)

38 FWIW, my guess had him pitching, not catching.

Posted by: Y-not at February 25, 2013 02:33 PM (5H6zj)

39 Guess The Crime - Go ahead. Take a crack at it.

Pinhead?

Posted by: rickb223 - May God bless Texas at February 25, 2013 02:33 PM (d0Dmj)

40 We were all thinking it you guys

Quote issue. It doesn't say "pleasured himself." It says "pleased himself."
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit that there is a broad line of difference.

Posted by: comatus at February 25, 2013 02:33 PM (qaVK+)

41 37 So you think the Police canine guys made their dogs sniff the "items used" so they could track the perp? Definite cruelty to animals you guys. Posted by: Dang at February 25, 2013 06:33 PM (R18D0) Like that Simpsons episode where the police dog ran off yelping after sniffing Homer's underwear!

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:34 PM (7xPCu)

42 Aww, no need to rub it in steevy. Wait, what's that you're rubbing? STOP THAT!

Posted by: bonhomme at February 25, 2013 02:34 PM (8ifMA)

43 I'm going to need to see that surveillance tape.

Posted by: Bawney Fwank at February 25, 2013 02:35 PM (R18D0)

44 soooo.... is HE a White Hispanic?

Posted by: Romeo13 at February 25, 2013 02:35 PM (lZBBB)

45 We are already planning the wedding, haterz.

Posted by: Perales and A Large Filthy Purple Dildo at February 25, 2013 02:35 PM (EZl54)

46 I'm going out on a limb here and guess this guy loves Obama.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at February 25, 2013 02:36 PM (UOM48)

47 Also, I think this guy wants to be Mooch.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at February 25, 2013 02:37 PM (UOM48)

48 Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.

Posted by: George Costanza at February 25, 2013 02:38 PM (HqpV0)

49 It rubs the lotion on it skin. Wait! What are you doing?! Stop that!!! GROSS!!! I"M GONNA BE SICK!!! *blurppp - splash*

Posted by: Jame Gumb at February 25, 2013 02:40 PM (R18D0)

50 He pleases himself once a year?

Posted by: USS Diversity at February 25, 2013 02:40 PM (qfuSx)

51 Maybe his lawyer will argue that the pretty, frilly silky things constitute entrapment. What's that quasi-legal term used when something constitutes a temptation to do evil, like when some stupid teenager finds keys to a bulldozer and accidentally kills himself?

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:40 PM (7xPCu)

52 ♫ "I feel pretty, oh so pretty..." ♫

Posted by: qdpsteve at February 25, 2013 02:40 PM (7B7jB)

53 I'm beginning to think this John guy isn't a real doctor. I mean, what kind of doctor has these sorts of things in his office, then leaves the door unlocked? No kind of doctor I know. At least I hope no doctor I know.

Posted by: bonhomme at February 25, 2013 02:41 PM (8ifMA)

54 But seriously dude, go to Nordstrom. They'll sell anybody anything. Or so I've heard... ;-)

Posted by: qdpsteve at February 25, 2013 02:41 PM (7B7jB)

55 What is with this place today?

Posted by: No Name Given at February 25, 2013 02:41 PM (KqwSL)

56 Yep. And licking that rock still tasted better than eating a pizza covered in weeds.

Posted by: CAC at February 25, 2013 06:26 PM (6v/2T)

Clearly you have had an unsettling experience with arugula.

There are therapy groups that can help you with that.

I hope it wasn't a meal with the Obamas...that might be beyond anyone's skill.

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at February 25, 2013 02:41 PM (GsoHv)

57 I wanna say the moral fabric of society is deteriorating, but I could see this kinda thing happening in ancient Greece all the time.

Posted by: JDTAY at February 25, 2013 02:42 PM (a0nis)

58 Speaking of asses: ObamaÂ’s Paycheck Exempted from Â‘SequesterÂ’

Posted by: Nevergiveup at February 25, 2013 02:42 PM (jE38p)

59 He pleases himself once a year?

Better than every five years. I'm looking at you, Spock.

Posted by: bonhomme at February 25, 2013 02:42 PM (8ifMA)

60 So, does the surname Tattoo come before or after the surname Window Graphics?

Posted by: garrett at February 25, 2013 02:42 PM (G3/r8)

61 He's 24 years old. The good news- and the bad news- is that he's got his whole life ahead of him, and the internet will be there every step of the way.

Posted by: t-bird at February 25, 2013 02:43 PM (FcR7P)

62 Clearly you have had an unsettling experience with arugula. There are therapy groups that can help you with that. I hope it wasn't a meal with the Obamas...that might be beyond anyone's skill. Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at February 25, 2013 06:41 PM (GsoHv) Wait until you start hearing the horror stories of Michelle Obama's regimen of arugula and cayenne pepper enemas.

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:43 PM (7xPCu)

55 What is with this place today?

It's Monday?

Posted by: wheatie at February 25, 2013 02:43 PM (eyJSG)

64 I wanna say the moral fabric of society is deteriorating, but I could see this kinda thing happening in ancient Greece all the time. Posted by: JDTAY

And in Rome. In the Colosseum. With an audience. Cheering. Cheering you guys.

Posted by: Dang at February 25, 2013 02:44 PM (R18D0)

65 Looks like too much time... ( Â•_Â•) ( Â•_Â•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■

wasn't the only thing on his hands.

Posted by: CAC at February 25, 2013 02:44 PM (6v/2T)

66 MAKE IT STOP!!!

Posted by: Big Purple Dildo at February 25, 2013 02:45 PM (R18D0)

67 In a related story, Perales is also reported to be the person who advised Michelle Obama on what to wear on the Oscars last night...

Posted by: The MFM at February 25, 2013 02:45 PM (7B7jB)

68 Perales entered the lingerie store through an unlocked door around 4:10 AM. I figured it was "self-service"...

Posted by: Jose Angel Perales at February 25, 2013 02:45 PM (FcR7P)

69 My guess? He was training to be a heroin smuggler.

Posted by: Fritz at February 25, 2013 02:47 PM (WM+rJ)

70 Romeo13, definitely a black Hispanic.

Posted by: L, elle at February 25, 2013 02:47 PM (0PiQ4)

71 Well, one thing I did guess (and it was pretty easy) is that this "Dr. John's Lingerie and Novelty Boutique" is in the Des Moines area. There be freaks a-poppin' in that town.

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:49 PM (7xPCu)

72 Put another way: where two or more interstate highways intersect, even in somewhere as bucolic as Iowa, there will always be a higher than normal population of weirdos, freaks and criminally insane dipshits. That's just my theory.

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:51 PM (7xPCu)

73 "Never Leave a Man's Behind... Unpleased"

Posted by: Big Purple Dildo Company at February 25, 2013 02:53 PM (R18D0)

74 Snack-cake abuse?

Posted by: zsasz at February 25, 2013 02:53 PM (MMC8r)

75 If that dildo had been black, we'd have us a hate crime.

Posted by: Al Sharpton at February 25, 2013 02:54 PM (R18D0)

76 Well, at 325 lbs., we know he wasn't sashaying around in 32B cup bras and thongs. Headed right for the granny panties in the big girl's section, he did.

Posted by: Donna V. at February 25, 2013 02:54 PM (7FqJH)

77 Something in the back of my mind tells me that either Charo or Dolly Parton has something to do with this...or maybe one of those Mexican wrestlers what wears a mask.

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:55 PM (7xPCu)

There be freaks a-poppin' in that town. Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 06:49 PM (7xPCu)

In Des Moines? Who knew? I never realized it was the Sodom of the Corn Belt.

Posted by: Donna V. at February 25, 2013 02:57 PM (7FqJH)

79 Desk, office chair and futon/couch for sale. Cheap.

Posted by: Dr. John's Lingerie and Office Furniture Store at February 25, 2013 02:57 PM (R18D0)

80 In Des Moines? Who knew? I never realized it was the Sodom of the Corn Belt. Posted by: Donna V. at February 25, 2013 06:57 PM (7FqJH) It's like Barstow, California which is the stopping place between L.A. and Las Vegas. Des Moines is the stopping place between Denver and Chicago.

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 02:59 PM (7xPCu)

81 74 Snack-cake abuse? Posted by: zsasz at February 25, 2013 06:53 PM (MMC8r) Those Little Debbie skanks were asking for it....why do you think they call them "Ho-Hos"???

Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 03:01 PM (7xPCu)

82 I was going to say for impersonating Patton Oswalt, guess I wasn't too far off

Posted by: Coal Power at February 25, 2013 03:03 PM (uQqz7)

83 Hey, this has nothing to do with normal Iowans. We have an illegal alien problem out here in the heart land and an infestation of scum exported to our fair state from Chicago. We're waiting anxiously for sequestration to implode and cause them to instantly starve to death Somali style... bloated bellies, sunken eye sockets, contorted limbs, and hopefully not too many flies if the weather warms up.

Posted by: angel with a sword at February 25, 2013 03:05 PM (LCb5K)

84 "Dr. John's Lingerie and Novelty Boutique" is in the Des Moines area. There be freaks a-poppin' in that town. Posted by: model_1066 at February 25, 2013 06:49 PM (7xPCu) He was in the right place, musta been the wrong time

Posted by: Barack Ovomit at February 25, 2013 03:09 PM (XvrTA)

85 Reggie Love shops there.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at February 25, 2013 03:09 PM (UOM48)

86 Obama: If I had a son....he'd be a fucked up mess like this dude.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at February 25, 2013 03:10 PM (UOM48)

87 Well, it was a blond wig, not a lace wig. Serious you guys, that would have crossed the line.

Posted by: Reader C.J. Burch writes..... at February 25, 2013 03:12 PM (RFeQD)

88 What, no Obama t-shirt?

Posted by: Jay Guevara at February 25, 2013 03:13 PM (IDSI7)

89 2016: Senator Perales (D-Iowa) gave a speech today decrying the loss of traditional values.

Posted by: Jay Guevara at February 25, 2013 03:16 PM (IDSI7)

buggery on the high seas?

Posted by: Shoey at February 25, 2013 04:13 PM (m6OUa)

91 He looks like such a wholesome representative of America's Heartland.

Posted by: OxyCon at February 25, 2013 04:14 PM (U7XyJ)

92 What, no Obama t-shirt? Posted by: Jay Guevara

Check his ass.

Posted by: Officer in charge at February 25, 2013 04:16 PM (R18D0)

93 Next time just drop your wallet if you want to be caught. Don't let 'em see your junk, your name, and leave DNA sample.

Posted by: no good deed at February 25, 2013 04:46 PM (mjR67)

94 Obviousy a deviant Illini transplant

Posted by: Made_in_Iowa at February 25, 2013 04:56 PM (zW1jz)

95 Back in 2003 or so, I was on a cross-country road trip with a buddy. We were hanging out an ice cream joint in Council Bluffs, and we started shooting the breeze with some of locals. One of the girls worked in a lingerie store (or lingerie section of a department store, or something). She said a large percentage of her customers were "not shopping for their wives" as she put it.

One of the folks also told us about the guy who would give the finger to every camera in the city as he walked around. Meaning, cross the street to walk up to an ATM and give the bird, then back along his merry way.

Remember, these people voted for Huckabee a few years ago.

Posted by: resurgemus at February 25, 2013 05:50 PM (myEWm)

96 How does he get hair to grow on his forehead? There must be an inch, inch-and-a-half tops between his eyebrows and hairline.

Posted by: Count de Monet at February 25, 2013 05:58 PM (w88mK)

97 Obama voter...definitely.

Posted by: torabora at February 25, 2013 06:08 PM (U9UrF)

98 Is it wrong to try and guess why he would do this where he did it, and not at home?

Posted by: Baldy at February 25, 2013 06:34 PM (opS9C)

99 So if the door was unlocked is it still a crime?

Posted by: occam at February 25, 2013 06:45 PM (IJgR1)

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