Ace of Spades HQ

December 31, 2013

10 Years of Nonsense: Asylum Movie Pitches
— Ace

Originally published February 16, 2012. This one was suggested by MWR.

Asylum -- the studio which would later make Sharknado -- is a terrible studio whose movie ideas seem to come primarily from dares.

They announced this horrific movie, and I began to wonder: Do they ever turn down any movie pitches?

Don't comment on old posts, by the way. The system will ban you for spam. That's why I'm republishing this in a new post.

You had me at "Brooke Hogan," but the 2 Headed Shark with 6000 teeth cinched it.

Yes, it's real.

Kind of. It exists. But it's... you know, it's not really real. Is it a real movie when the whole point is to essentially play a $500,000 practical joke?

This production company, The Asylum, has brought you such fare as Mega Shark, and then, of course, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and, because you demanded it, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.

Because I'm just looking to break in to the business, and because I believe these guys will literally not turn down a single pitch, I offer, optimistically, my top twelve pitches for Asylum.

Fingers crossed.

Top Twelve ~~Rejected~~ Golden Movie Pitches For Asylum

12. Monkey Gun. A small-time crook discovers a high-tech gun which shoots Monkeys out of it. Monkey Gun.

11. The Haunting of Stacy's Bosom. Stacy's bosoms are haunted by restless Micmac Indian spirits. The Haunting of Stacy's Bosom.

10. Jenga. A vacationing family is menaced by a giant animated Jenga puzzle the size of a truck. "Don't pull the wrong block!" Jenga.

9. Murder Bucket. A man is possessed by the spirit of lethal bucket. Murder Bucket.

8. PK Rabbit. A gardener awakes from a coma to discover he has the psychic power to lift and throw rabbits with his mind. PK Rabbit.

7. Knucklehead. An evil cosmetic surgeon replaces his model ex-girlfriend's face with nothing but knuckles from medical cadavers. She gets revenge. Knucklehead.

6. Toilet Shark. Not what you think, but a whole new spin. It's a giant shark with a toilet for a head. Toilet Shark.

5. Johnny Flapjacks. A man recovers from a head injury and can see the future in the markings on pancakes. Johnny Flapjacks.

4. Hammersquid, A mad scientist and recreational carpenter creates a squid with hammers at the end of his tentacles. It hits people. Hammersquid.

3. Grizzled. A man receives a heart transplant from a grizzly bear. Horrified to discover he now craves honey, fish, and rape. Grizzled.

2. Spider Rain: Terror in New York City. It starts raining spiders in a Canadian city that sort of looks like New York. Spider Rain.

...and...

1. The Munge. A prostitute contracts a case of The Munge so bad, it kills her clients and transforms them into foul-smelling Munge-Zombies. The Munge.

Hammersquid by @Shikanominarazu, Spider Rain by @NYKensington.

The Two Headed Shark... Is Real? Or an internet goof. I don't know which.

From Tim Blair, via JWF, who notes that shark attacks are predicted to double. Because of global warming.

"You know who I was thinking...? Brooke Hogan."
"Brook Hogan? Oh, YES! She's great, she's great!!!"

Posted by: Ace at 12:16 PM | Comments (201)
Post contains 535 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Asylum -- the studio which would later make Sharknado -- is a terrible studio whose movie ideas seem to come primarily from dares. Did anyone see "Tongue on a Frozen Flag Pole" yet?

Posted by: rickb223 at December 31, 2013 12:19 PM (cB3Ay)

2 Double first!

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:19 PM (vHRtU)

3 Crap...

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:19 PM (vHRtU)

4 1. The Munge. A prostitute contracts a case of The Munge so bad, it kills her clients and transforms them into foul-smelling Munge-Zombies. The Munge. Starring Bob Menendez.

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at December 31, 2013 12:20 PM (bCEmE)

5 Dang. Lonely up in here.

Posted by: rickb223 at December 31, 2013 12:20 PM (cB3Ay)

6 You forgot Pajama Dolphin. A dolphin who's all sexually aggressive to the wrong species, and wears pajamas and drinks cocoa. It's gold I tell ya.

Posted by: pep at December 31, 2013 12:20 PM (6TB1Z)

7 ...and... 1. The Munge. A prostitute contracts a case of The Munge so bad, it kills her clients and transforms them into foul-smelling Munge-Zombies. The Munge. So that's what happened to Elliot Spitzer?

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at December 31, 2013 12:20 PM (HVff2)

8 2. Spider Rain: Terror in New York City. It starts raining spiders in a Canadian city that sort of looks like New York. Spider Rain. You are just steadily trying to ruin AtC's day, aren't you?

Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at December 31, 2013 12:21 PM (JpFMR)

9 Spider Rain

Aka Arachnophobia II: The Silkening

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at December 31, 2013 12:21 PM (eHIJJ)

10 Anal Hot Sauce Squidnado!

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:22 PM (vHRtU)

Brooke Hogan has a penis..... and linebacker shoulders.

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at December 31, 2013 12:23 PM (jucos)

12 Bad movies are only funny when the people making it didn't know how bad it was, made a sincere effort, and failed miserably like Tommy Wiseau's The Room. The asylum films just suck.

Posted by: Naes1984 at December 31, 2013 12:24 PM (zeV2E)

13 How about a movie where a lesbian SCOTUS judge gets twerked by a milky virus creature?

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:24 PM (vHRtU)

14 Sharks? What about us, we're almost out of hot chocolate

Posted by: Hippies on Ice boat at December 31, 2013 12:25 PM (0FSuD)

15 Ahem. Post needs this: http://youtu.be/MwQ6HIQV0YQ

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 12:25 PM (VtjlW)

16 Spider-Shark!!!

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 12:26 PM (EWsrI)

17 Angry, topless feminysts activists attacking churches. Oh wait....

Posted by: Lizzy at December 31, 2013 12:26 PM (POpqt)

18 Bad movies are only funny when the people making it didn't know how bad it was, made a sincere effort

During my workout, I watched parts of two "Librarian" movies, starring expired heartthrob Noah Wyle. They were about as bad as movies can get, and as far as I know, were intended seriously. They make Star Wars dialog look Oscar-worthy.

Posted by: pep at December 31, 2013 12:26 PM (6TB1Z)

19 The Girl With Five Vaginas: Hilarity ensues when a privileged white lacrosse team discovers that the girl who delivers pizza isn't just bringing extra pepperonis.

Posted by: Woltz International Pictures at December 31, 2013 12:27 PM (8ZskC)

20 Arachnosquirrel.

A genetics experiment gone wrong mutates the squirrels of this sleepy beach resort town into eight-legged horrors with fangs and a thirst for blood. Arachnosquirrel.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 31, 2013 12:27 PM (SY2Kh)

21 Asylum Asylum. Aspiring executives in a burgeoning movie niche become so obsessed with their mission that they go mad from freeform brainstorming. Asylum Asylum.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at December 31, 2013 12:27 PM (eHIJJ)

22 *stompystheeverlovingfuckoutofeman* You are just steadily trying to ruin AtC's day, aren't you? Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at December 31, 2013 04:21 PM (JpFMR) *sniffles* So mean to me. And I'm such a delicate flower of innocent virtue.
Where's MWR? I need her shoulder upon which to rest my head and don't do it BC, don't do it.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 12:27 PM (VtjlW)

23 Ooh I know. A bunch of militant ecokooks go to the south pole to show all us flat earthers how my Chevy is warming shit up and thinning the ice. Only the opposite is true. And they all get stuck there due to thickening ice. It has a happy ending though because they all die from freezing.

Posted by: Minnfidel at December 31, 2013 12:27 PM (FciyD)

24 Genetic mutations from Japan result in... Sharktopus! Every arm is a shark head!

/also, I'm pretty sure we'll see "spider rain" in late 2014 on Syfy...

Posted by: shibumi at December 31, 2013 12:27 PM (25HWz)

25 15 Ahem. Post needs this: http://youtu.be/MwQ6HIQV0YQ Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 04:25 PM (VtjlW) Debbie Gibson FTW. But, that's a ripoff LL Cool J. Fail.

Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at December 31, 2013 12:28 PM (JpFMR)

26 The Cornholer: A scientist develops a serum that allows him to win every game.

Posted by: Lee J. Cobb at December 31, 2013 12:28 PM (mETGQ)

27 Ozone Hole Sharks: The Ozone hole is torn open and sharks rain down. Ozone Hole Sharks.

Posted by: AlGore Studios [/i] [/b] at December 31, 2013 12:28 PM (dwArK)

28 Speaking of 2-headed movies, Janus, the art-house distributor, has some great flix.
And nobody got me the 50-year boxed set of DVDs for Christmas.
Class?
Anyone?

Posted by: Electric Carmina Burana at December 31, 2013 12:28 PM (1/4XQ)

29 Who did Hobo With A Shotgun? Sounds like Asylum material.

Posted by: maddogg at December 31, 2013 12:28 PM (xWW96)

30 YES! The triumphant return of "Monkey Gun!"

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Chelsea [/s][/b][/i][/u] at December 31, 2013 12:29 PM (CA2NO)

31 I just noticed they photoshopped eyebrows on the shark to make it look more menacing.
#lulz

Posted by: weft cut-loop [/i] [/b] at December 31, 2013 12:29 PM (dwArK)

32 You laugh, but just wait until Asylum makes all of those, dummy.

Posted by: Asylum Movies at December 31, 2013 12:29 PM (Iyg03)

33 @15 Ha ha. Posted before. Does Hollywood make any movies now where a White guy fires on a Black chick? Wait, it's the other way around, White girl fires on Black guy saving the world. What a novel idea, quick someone write that up for a movie.

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 12:29 PM (0FSuD)

34 IsonFire After a comet passes near earth, Jar Jar Binks develops the power to spontaneously burst into flame. IsonFire.

Posted by: pep at December 31, 2013 12:29 PM (6TB1Z)

35 B. H. Obama, Prez. O fuck it really is a horror movie

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at December 31, 2013 12:29 PM (HVff2)

36 Meat Curtainado: Remains from labioplasties come to life and join together, creating giant smothering floppers of doom...

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:29 PM (vHRtU)

37 Hey Guys, thanks!

ELEVENTY!!!!

Posted by: The SyFy Writers Guild at December 31, 2013 12:30 PM (25HWz)

38 Where's MWR? I need her shoulder upon which to rest my head and don't do it BC, don't do it. Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 04:27 PM (VtjlW) You two are at just about the right heights that that's not a shoulder you're resting on. *sniffles* So mean to me. And I'm such a delicate flower of innocent virtue. Delicate. Innocent. Virtue. Tell me, what was that noise I heard earlier?

Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at December 31, 2013 12:30 PM (JpFMR)

39 What about us, we're almost out of hot chocolate Posted by: Hippies on Ice boat --------------------- At least there are the flannel onsies to fall back on. Really..., I can't wait for the crowing about what a success their 'mission' was. What 'bonding', and 'common cause' they experienced during their 'ordeal'. Why, they will represent themselves as a microcosm of what the world should be. There will be a tortured, twisted rationalization of how this is evidence of ~~Global Warming~~ Climate Change.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 12:30 PM (aDwsi)

40 OOH OOH! AtC! You're here! *TACKLEHUG* Thank you for the linky to the "Almost Human" crackvid yesterday. I d/led it to my computer; I was CRACKING UP.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Chelsea [/s][/b][/i][/u] at December 31, 2013 12:30 PM (CA2NO)

41 "I Was Like This Before Woodstock", the entertaining, nostalgic documentary of the Woodstock festival's "sheep guy", now a successful bundler for Ogabe's Chicago machine.

Posted by: Electric Carmina Burana at December 31, 2013 12:30 PM (1/4XQ)

42 I will say on the cheesy movies scale, both Ghost Shark and End of the World are a lot of fun. Note I did not say they were good. I said they were a lot of fun.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 12:31 PM (VtjlW)

Here's a classic.

http://tinyurl.com/ovht82h

Posted by: maddogg at December 31, 2013 12:31 PM (xWW96)

44 Who did Hobo With A Shotgun? Sandra Fluke??

Posted by: rickb223 at December 31, 2013 12:31 PM (cB3Ay)

45 A two-headed shark can probably smell underwater too good to go after Carmen Electra.

Posted by: wth at December 31, 2013 12:31 PM (wAQA5)

46 39 What about us, we're almost out of hot chocolate

Posted by: Hippies on Ice boat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Screw you, those Jap ships really shoot at us!

Posted by: Hippies on an Anti-Whaling Boat at December 31, 2013 12:32 PM (25HWz)

47 This post ought to do it, Ace. We're gonna lose you to Hollywood, LOL.

I'm not kidding.

Posted by: PJ at December 31, 2013 12:32 PM (ZWaLo)

48 Note I did not say they were good. I said they were a lot of fun. Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 04:31 PM (VtjlW) The wife and I both love watching the cheesy/horrible SyFy type movies. She agrees though, boobs are needed. I mean, if I'm gonna sit and watch some awful movie, the hot chick could at least take her shirt off.

Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at December 31, 2013 12:32 PM (JpFMR)

49 39 What about us, we're almost out of hot chocolate .See my post @ 23. Covered it.

Posted by: Minnfidel at December 31, 2013 12:32 PM (FciyD)

50 Crapachnid: A hobo falls into toxic waste and develops the ability to poop out spiders...

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:33 PM (vHRtU)

51 I like the hybrid creature thing. In Dead Snow 2 (http://tinyurl.com/mxovbry), the survivor of the first Dead Snow wakes up to discover that docs have sewn on the Zombie Nazi Colonel's severed arm as a replacement for the arm the survivor had to take off to escape. Frightening, at first, but it does come in handy at the end.

Posted by: Sharkman at December 31, 2013 12:33 PM (TM1p8)

52 I know this is OT.. but just got a letter from our doctor. He's closing his practice due the cost of the Unaffordable Care Act. Thank you Obama, Pelosi et al.. thanks for fucking nothing. I've been seeing this man for 20 years. Now we have to find someone else. Fuck you all sideways with a chainsaw for eternity.

Posted by: jewells45 trying to keep from going crazy at December 31, 2013 12:33 PM (u25eL)

53 A two-headed shark is no more menacing than an ordinary shark. I mean the two-headed shark shares the same digestive tract and hunger pangs and is equivalent to the one-headed shark. Unless, of course, the two-headed shark is the Shaquille O'Neal of sharks.

That's really what makes the premise so absurd.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at December 31, 2013 12:33 PM (eHIJJ)

54 How about a movie about a cat that likes to play and fetch toys and goes crazy happy when you come home, and then the dog shoots it? It's a murder mystery slash animal enslavement story that both tugs at the heart and slakes your unending thirst for gore at the same time. I'm seeing Morgan Freeman's dentist as the vet. Think we can get him?

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 12:33 PM (EWsrI)

55 OOH OOH! AtC! You're here! *TACKLEHUG* Thank you for the linky to the "Almost Human" crackvid yesterday. I d/led it to my computer; I was CRACKING UP. Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Chelsea at December 31, 2013 04:30 PM (CA2NO) *CLING*
Isn't that just awesome? The timing of the Mission Impossible theme is utter perfection.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 12:34 PM (VtjlW)

56 I actually think there's a formula to this:

Scary Animal that Causes Phobias + Mutation= Cinematic Gold

Freaky Weather+ Big City= Cinematic Gold

I'm sure there's more, but these are the first two that came to mind.

/which is why I think Spider Rain is a winnah!

Posted by: Shibumi at December 31, 2013 12:34 PM (25HWz)

57 Ninja Hobo with his fire breathing valu rite breath takes on the the femi Nazis in cage match from hell. PPV channel 942

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 12:35 PM (0FSuD)

58 *comforts AtC* They are so mean to you, my queen. *pets* Who did Hobo With A Shotgun? Sandra Fluke?? Posted by: rickb223 at December 31, 2013 04:31 PM (cB3Ay) No no. Sandra Fluke shotgunned a hobo. And I dont' mean she shot him with one, IYKWIMAITYD.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Chelsea [/s][/b][/i][/u] at December 31, 2013 12:35 PM (CA2NO)

59 Dolphin Rapists. A whole pack of 'em attacking unsuspecting nubile vacationers in some tropical local....

Posted by: Lizzy at December 31, 2013 12:35 PM (POpqt)

60 Mamzilla. An angry prematurely gray haired female zombie wearing a coexist t-shirt with two holes cut in it goes around blasting any white male with post colonial milk. Turning them instantly into footie pajama boy.

Posted by: Minnfidel at December 31, 2013 12:36 PM (FciyD)

61 Geneticists tinker with prehistoric vegetation, carnivorous trees released into the wild. Jurassic Bark.

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 12:36 PM (ZshNr)

62 A two-headed shark is no more menacing than an ordinary shark.

This idea was the result of hours of refinement in multiple editorial meetings. The original concept was called "The Shark With A Lot More Teeth Than Regular Sharks."

Posted by: Woltz International Pictures at December 31, 2013 12:36 PM (8ZskC)

63 45 A two-headed shark can probably smell underwater too good to go after Carmen Electra.
==========
What's the deal here?

I don't keep up, so what kind of skanky thing has she done?

Posted by: RoyalOil at December 31, 2013 12:36 PM (VjL9S)

64 @43 Notice how they eyes sort of follow you around the web.

Posted by: Electric Carmina Burana at December 31, 2013 12:36 PM (1/4XQ)

65 A giant shark-like creature smokes cigars and makes wise cracks. "Groucho Sharx" It's the most ridiculous thing you'll ever see.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at December 31, 2013 12:37 PM (g4TxM)

66 *clings to MWR more* They so are. *sniffles* Delicate. Innocent. Virtue. Tell me, what was that noise I heard earlier? Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at December 31, 2013 04:30 PM (JpFMR) I shall let Captain Kirk reply for me: http://bit.ly/1dnWWVo

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 12:37 PM (VtjlW)

67 Real The Asylum upcoming blockbusters! Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark and who can ignore Android Cop? They boast four month concept to release. Rapid production is the key to fooling WalMart shoppers into picking up the wrong movie for their kids.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 31, 2013 12:37 PM (IoTdl)

68 I don't keep up, so what kind of skanky thing has she done? Posted by: RoyalOil at December 31, 2013 04:36 PM ................Dennis Rodman among others. Shudders.

Posted by: Minnfidel at December 31, 2013 12:38 PM (FciyD)

69
I may be Grizzled. Not sure. I crave 2 of the 3.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 31, 2013 12:38 PM (MaP11)

70 Anemone Mine

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 12:38 PM (ZshNr)

71 Botoxed Cougars!

Posted by: Lizzy at December 31, 2013 12:39 PM (POpqt)

72 Cayman Island Stingrays learn to suck the soul out of those that feed them. Yankee children's hair mysteriously turns red. News at 11.

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 12:39 PM (0FSuD)

73 >>>How about a movie about a cat that likes to play and fetch toys and goes crazy happy when you come home, and then the dog shoots it? <<<

I think they made that into a Dorito's commercial.

**spoiler alert**
The dog bribes the owner with the Doritos and gets away with it.

Posted by: Hate Miser at December 31, 2013 12:39 PM (2ljO9)

74 Breasts haunted by Micmac Indians. Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Posted by: Brave Sir Robin at December 31, 2013 12:39 PM (XLoA6)

75 Juggerknockers: An ancient evil spirit takes over a lady's 48DD boobeh's and terrorizes a small town.

Posted by: YIKES! at December 31, 2013 12:39 PM (mETGQ)

76 The Toilets Have Eyes: Bus station toilet cleaner actually east a bus station hot dog and subsequent diarrhea produces mutation of toilets into porcelain gods...

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:39 PM (vHRtU)

77 Crapuscular Rays Scientists discover that they have been misspelling 'Crapuscular' as 'Crepuscular'. The discovery is made just as the sun starts shitting Manta Rays onto the earth. Cameo appearance by Steve Irwin.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 12:40 PM (aDwsi)

78 Piranha Frogs

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at December 31, 2013 12:40 PM (eHIJJ)

79 I'm waiting for Kung Fury. The shark movies don't really entertain me much.

Posted by: MrX at December 31, 2013 12:40 PM (q8eh5)

80 Heading out, morons....
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Posted by: Electric Carmina Burana at December 31, 2013 12:40 PM (1/4XQ)

81 Posted by: YIKES! at December 31, 2013 04:39 PM .......See my Mamzilla post above. I already copyrighted it.

Posted by: Minnfidel at December 31, 2013 12:40 PM (FciyD)

82 Juggerknockers: An ancient evil spirit takes over a lady's 48DD boobeh's and terrorizes a small town. Posted by: YIKES! at December 31, 2013 04:39 PM (mETGQ)
So in other words the entire Russ Meyer oeuvre.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 12:40 PM (VtjlW)

83 Gerbilicide.

These furry terrors are looking for a new home. A home made of flesh. Don't sleep. Don't squat. Gerbilicide.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 31, 2013 12:41 PM (SY2Kh)

84 80 Heading out, morons.... HAPPY NEW YEAR! Posted by: Electric Carmina Burana at December 31, 2013 04:40 PM (1/4XQ) Be safe, a cab is CHEAP.

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 12:41 PM (0FSuD)

85
Raining Lions and Hyenas would be a good one.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 31, 2013 12:41 PM (MaP11)

86 It Came from Cyberspace! The all too true paranoid delusional true story (it's true!) that there are really not all these crazy web blogs, but only a small cadre of people working at the NSA to undermine the country by putting out crazy viral ideas into the empty heads of constant readers. Sub-plot: The Huffington Post is real, but Arianna Huffington is revealed to be a cyborg. She's (she? IT!) is not quite a real person. Starring Dave Burge as "Dan Rather, gumshoe!" and Ace as "Ace".

Posted by: Ribald Conservative riding Orca at December 31, 2013 12:42 PM (dCwZe)

87 Something about a Kickapoo uprising, but I haven't sorted it out yet.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 12:42 PM (aDwsi)

88 Lemon Test.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 12:42 PM (VtjlW)

89 Crabdip People: A forgotten tupperware in the back of a 'fridge comes to life, with an insatiable craving for bras, resulting in massive boobage...

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:42 PM (vHRtU)

90 Isn't that just awesome? The timing of the Mission Impossible theme is utter perfection. Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 04:34 PM (VtjlW OMG YES. As is the "Ohhh yeaaah... chukka chukka!" The Twix song, as I think of it. lol! Of course, that led to me watching a solid hour of random "Avengers," "Thor," and other miscellaneous crack!vids. Because I have no life apparently.

Posted by: MWR, Proud Tea(rrorist) Party Assault Chelsea [/s][/b][/i][/u] at December 31, 2013 12:42 PM (CA2NO)

91 The Day of the Motorboat

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 12:43 PM (ZshNr)

92 "Toilet Snake Terror"

Yep. It's exactly what you think.

Posted by: Shibumi at December 31, 2013 12:43 PM (25HWz)

93 Death On Webbed Feet: A climate researcher discovers an ancient amulet that allows him to control penguins with almost god-like power.

Posted by: Woltz International Pictures at December 31, 2013 12:43 PM (8ZskC)

94 A giant underwater wad of tobacco terrorizes a seaside resort town. "Chaws" We're gonna need a bigger spittoon.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at December 31, 2013 12:43 PM (g4TxM)

95 During my workout, I watched parts of two "Librarian" movies, starring expired heartthrob Noah Wyle. They were about as bad as movies can get, and as far as I know, were intended seriously. They make Star Wars dialog look Oscar-worthy. What are you talking about, this is spine-tingling scintillation! Sonya Walger: You only live once. Noah Wyle: Unless you believe in Buddhism or Sikhism... Sonya Walger: I hate you so much.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 31, 2013 12:44 PM (IoTdl)

96
Attack of the Testicle Bingo Man.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 31, 2013 12:44 PM (MaP11)

97 UNC-CH closes down, Ramses(The Goat mascot) discovered to have incurable VD. Half of student body dies horrible deaths just after infecting the other half. Wait, I just woke up, what a great dream.

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 12:44 PM (0FSuD)

98 The Cockfighter

Posted by: Barney Frank at December 31, 2013 12:44 PM (mETGQ)

99 Japanese Reactor Babes vs. Tsunami Sharknado

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:45 PM (vHRtU)

100 So in other words the entire Russ Meyer oeuvre. Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting Russ Meyer was a great American.

Posted by: Ribald Conservative riding Orca at December 31, 2013 12:46 PM (dCwZe)

101 98 The Cockfighter Hey, MFer you talking about us?

Posted by: South Carolina "Gamecocks" at December 31, 2013 12:46 PM (0FSuD)

102 Hell Kernels. When a mad scientist hooks his Mr. Popcorn up to a nuclear reactor, he unleashes a self-aware crop of evil. Hell Kernels.

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 12:46 PM (ZshNr)

103 Labia Leeches

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at December 31, 2013 12:46 PM (oFCZn)

104 Lemon Test. Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting Is that a legal concept or a movie? Or a *shudders* sex act?

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 31, 2013 12:46 PM (IoTdl)

105 Attack of the Free Shit Army. An entire city goes on the rampage when they find out their free healthcare isn't free. Oh wait. That'll be on the nightly news. For realz.

Posted by: rickb223 at December 31, 2013 12:47 PM (cB3Ay)

106 Fisting of Fury: A lesbian ninja take out the greedy capitalists that are killing off the endangered Antarctic Polar Bear

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:47 PM (vHRtU)

107 Ace, can you do a post on the new NYT claims? Apparently they are now saying they had a reporter embedded with the terrorists DURING the Benghazi attack. Is this for real?

Posted by: Daybrother at December 31, 2013 12:47 PM (cVBKx)

108 No Ilsa the SheWolf of the SS?

Posted by: RWC at December 31, 2013 12:47 PM (Q6HBD)

109 With Six You Get Chlamydia: A small rural college accidentally assigns the entire privileged white lacrosse team to the Lesbian Women's Dorm.

Posted by: Woltz International Pictures at December 31, 2013 12:47 PM (8ZskC)

110 Juggerknockers: An ancient evil spirit takes over a lady's 48DD boobeh's and terrorizes a small town. Posted by: YIKES! Put that story at a marina with lots of motorboating and you might have something, kid.

Posted by: Russ Meyer at December 31, 2013 12:47 PM (dCwZe)

111 Bi-Polar Bear. Eco-terrorism targeting bears has mutated them such that they don't know whether to fuck you or feed on you. Bi-Polar Bear.

Posted by: Fritz at December 31, 2013 12:48 PM (UzPAd)

112 107 Ace, can you do a post on the new NYT claims? Apparently they are now saying they had a reporter embedded with the terrorists DURING the Benghazi attack. Is this for real? The short answer is NO. It is total Bullshit. The Hill patrol will forget Bill got his dick sucked before this is all over.

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 12:48 PM (0FSuD)

113 Gerbilicide: The Reckoning The ferocious furry rodents go to exact revenge in Greenwich Village and the Castro District. Starring Richard Geer, w/ a cameo by Anderson Cooper.

Posted by: Brave Sir Robin at December 31, 2013 12:48 PM (XLoA6)

114 Killer Parakeets: Gentle songbirds by day, avenging winged birds of prey by night!

Posted by: Hrothgar at December 31, 2013 12:48 PM (o3MSL)

115 Fisting of Fury: A lesbian ninja take out the greedy capitalists that are killing off the endangered Antarctic Polar Bear Notable catchphrases: "Stick your corpo-rape-tion up your while male ass!"

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 31, 2013 12:48 PM (IoTdl)

116 Ben Wa Balls of Fury

Posted by: Barney Frank at December 31, 2013 12:49 PM (mETGQ)

117 Pixy Vixens: Tinker Bell's butch cousins play havoc at a girls boarding school

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:49 PM (vHRtU)

118 Bath Salt Beavers.

This is your face. This is your face eaten by: Bath Salt Beavers. When bloodthirsty beavers don't say no to drugs.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 31, 2013 12:49 PM (SY2Kh)

119 Sewer Trout The story of how three generations of Kennedys swim upstream into American political life.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 12:49 PM (aDwsi)

120 The story of a nerdy girl turned mad scientist, that was never cool enough for the cheeleading squad, so she replaces the hands of some of the cheerleaders with shark heads in order to terrorize/kill off the main cheerleaders who were bitchy to her.

Jaws Hands!!!

Posted by: Hate Miser at December 31, 2013 12:50 PM (2ljO9)

121 the Incredible One Mind With 6 Million Bodies. A horrifying tale of a drug addled loser turned politician who controls the lives of millions of spineless sheeplike voters. Oh, wait...

Posted by: wth at December 31, 2013 12:50 PM (wAQA5)

122
Ghostsurance. People thought they signed up for insurance, only to find out they have none when arriving at the hospital after gruesome injuries. Ghostsurance.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 31, 2013 12:51 PM (MaP11)

123 Achjoos: The Jewish plot to control the world by spreading the cold virus.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:51 PM (vHRtU)

124 God works in funny ways. Fuck you Chicago. http://tinyurl.com/q8vvzgz

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 12:51 PM (0FSuD)

125 The Nickelfuckering - watch as one mentally challenged imbecile takes on the worlds lone superpower and brings it to it's knees.

Posted by: RWC at December 31, 2013 12:52 PM (Q6HBD)

126 Sewer Trout The story of how three generations of Kennedys swim upstream into American political life. Posted by: Mike Hammer Cast some really stacked babes as Jackie Kennedy and Caroline Kennedy, and you might have something there, kid.

Posted by: Russ Meyer at December 31, 2013 12:52 PM (dCwZe)

127 Edward Scissorlegs: An all-women college is rocked to its core when a mysterious new male PE coach arrives with strange new exercises that change the girls forever.

Posted by: Woltz International Pictures at December 31, 2013 12:52 PM (8ZskC)

128 Flee. A diverse group of non-cis-normative student performers are dropped into North Sudan and forced to become child soldiers. Flee. (Reality Show)

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 12:53 PM (ZshNr)

129 Escape Detroit

Posted by: Lizzy at December 31, 2013 12:53 PM (POpqt)

130 Cast some really stacked babes as Jackie Kennedy and Caroline Kennedy, and you might have something there, kid. Posted by: Russ Meyer ------------- and Marilyn

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 12:54 PM (aDwsi)

131 Achjoos: The Jewish plot to control the world by spreading the cold virus. I am so going to hell for laughing like a retarded hyena at the title.

Posted by: rickb223 at December 31, 2013 12:54 PM (cB3Ay)

132 Japanese Babes vs. The Shower Monster

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 12:54 PM (EWsrI)

133 Krokodil Klowns from Outer Space

Posted by: RWC at December 31, 2013 12:54 PM (Q6HBD)

134 New Age Blatant Ginger Turtles I'm just spitballing here.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at December 31, 2013 12:54 PM (g4TxM)

135 Cankles vs. Moron Boy: DC Destruction

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:54 PM (vHRtU)

136 Why isn't Pacific Rim on the list?

Posted by: the Butcher at December 31, 2013 12:55 PM (8g9qq)

137 I shall let Captain Kirk reply for me: http://bit.ly/1dnWWVo Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 04:37 PM (VtjlW) What's my name?!

Posted by: BCochran1981 - Credible Hulk at December 31, 2013 12:55 PM (JpFMR)

138 Where'e your vision, Ace? Trans: vision is any half baked idea Hwd losers try to argue they have a proprietary claim on.

Posted by: Bean Pies, ey? at December 31, 2013 12:55 PM (Qev5V)

139 Fapshark! He won't eat you but you drown from watching for too long.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 12:56 PM (EWsrI)

140 Pacific Rimer: Cruise to Spice Island

Posted by: Bawny Fwank at December 31, 2013 12:56 PM (vHRtU)

141 Barknado. Smooth talking Zombie guy comes out of nowhere and fucks up everything for everybody. Yet a portion of the populace having become zombies still think he's God.

Posted by: Minnfidel at December 31, 2013 12:56 PM (FciyD)

142 Ref #9 (bucket) Rubber. A tire that kills with its mind. Rubber http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_(2010_film)

Posted by: Comrade Arthur at December 31, 2013 12:56 PM (h53OH)

143 Charlie O'Connell, the star who broke into showbiz with his gripping portrayal as "face down body floating in a pool, who looks close enough to Jerry O'Connell to save us a buttload on CGI costs, so we can instead blow our Sliders budget on Kari Wuhrer boobs"

Posted by: wooga at December 31, 2013 12:56 PM (vvB6e)

144

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:56 PM (vHRtU)

145 Hipster Hellhole- A bunch of entitled, grievance-studies college kids dropped into a remote area with no iPads, iPhones, credit cards and have to figure out how to get out of there. Hilarity ensues when not one of them knows a damn thing about survival, first aid, basic navigation.

Posted by: Lizzy at December 31, 2013 12:57 PM (POpqt)

146 SharkFace: The Debbie Wasserman-Schultz Story

Posted by: weft cut-loop [/i] [/b] at December 31, 2013 12:57 PM (dwArK)

147 Surprise Sharksex: Lookout, it's behind you!

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 12:58 PM (vHRtU)

148 AtC and MWR were just wrestling around on the floor after TACLKEHUG and nary a comment made by the Horde? We are slipping, gentlemen. Now where is that HD video camera I bought...

Posted by: AZ Hi Desert (All my Hate cannot be found) at December 31, 2013 12:59 PM (ial2b)

149 I'm going to be so disappointed if there isn't a repost of the Chapeaus of Fury: The Kwame Kilpatrick Story

Posted by: toby928© attempts the triple and but mostly construction at December 31, 2013 12:59 PM (QupBk)

150 My favorite is still: Jewnami. "We drove them into the sea, but they came back!" It would be like the Islamic version of the Exorcist.

Posted by: wooga at December 31, 2013 12:59 PM (vvB6e)

151 Before Asylum got into the mock buster genre they were turning out crappy z grade horror flicks. There are some of the Leigh Scott directed ones that aren't bad. Beast of Bray Road is some priceless craptacular werewolfery and it is available on netflix instant watch.

Posted by: the guy that moves pianos for a living... at December 31, 2013 12:59 PM (P/gm7)

152 Fisting of Fury 2: A lesbian ninja goes undercover in a women's prison to rescue the cross-dressing POTUS after he is picked up in a DC hooker sweep...

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 01:01 PM (vHRtU)

153 @145
Thanks!

We'll try to figure out how to get some D list celebrities on the show, plus... everyone *might* have to be naked.

Outside of that, idea is golden baby, golden!

Posted by: Reality TV Producers at December 31, 2013 01:01 PM (25HWz)

154 Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 04:49 PM (aDwsi)

No Kennedy has ever done the work to swim against the tide!

Posted by: Hrothgar at December 31, 2013 01:01 PM (o3MSL)

155 David D. Kirkpatrick @ddknyt Follow @RichardGrenell we had a reporter on the scene talking to the attackers during the attack- still invaluable 5:29 PM - 30 Dec 2013

Posted by: Daybrother at December 31, 2013 01:01 PM (GXN8U)

156 Juggerknockers: An ancient evil spirit takes over a lady's 48DD boobeh's and terrorizes a small town.

Didn't Roger Ebert write the script for this movie already?

Posted by: OregonMuse at December 31, 2013 01:02 PM (xm1A1)

157 MechaSpork vs Leatherman. When a shipment of utilitarian implements is struck by a meteorite, the tools come alive. And they fall in love with the same tool belt! MechaSpork vs. Leatherman.

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 01:02 PM (ZshNr)

158 We'll try to figure out how to get some D list celebrities on the show, plus... everyone *might* have to be naked. Outside of that, idea is golden baby, golden! Posted by: Reality TV Producers Tonya Harding, Danny Bonaduce,

Posted by: rickb223 at December 31, 2013 01:03 PM (cB3Ay)

159 Chalupacabra- a winged, goat-hooved demon fixes Mexican food for a group of horny camp-goers.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at December 31, 2013 01:03 PM (g4TxM)

160 Chalupacabra *snort*

Posted by: toby928© attempts the triple and but mostly construction at December 31, 2013 01:05 PM (QupBk)

161 Every warm body in my department has been released but me. I'm wondering if I pissed someone off.

Posted by: toby928© attempts the triple and but mostly construction at December 31, 2013 01:06 PM (QupBk)

162 Chalupacabra

*hat tip*

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 01:06 PM (vHRtU)

163 Chiranha!--A mad scientist splices Chihuahua and Piranha DNA. They travel in packs of thousands.

Posted by: the guy that moves pianos for a living... at December 31, 2013 01:06 PM (P/gm7)

164 The Girl With Five Vaginas: Hilarity ensues when a privileged white lacrosse team discovers that the girl who delivers pizza isn't just bringing extra pepperonis.

The vaginas have to have teeth. .NOW you've got an Asylum movie.

Posted by: OregonMuse at December 31, 2013 01:07 PM (xm1A1)

165 Pelosisaurus - a botox treatment goes horribly awry as Nancy Pelosi is transformed into a creature bent on acquiring power and wanton destruction oh wait

Posted by: chemjeff on the phone at December 31, 2013 01:07 PM (GtMrO)

166 A short-legged dog befriends a young girl on a transcontinental joy ride. Corgy and Bess

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at December 31, 2013 01:08 PM (g4TxM)

167 Vagidentia II: The Chompening

Posted by: toby928© attempts the triple and but mostly construction at December 31, 2013 01:09 PM (QupBk)

168 Man feels underappreciated after a lifetime of self-sacrifice. Sees the error of his ways, pays a visit to all those who let him down. It's a Wonderful Knife.

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 01:11 PM (ZshNr)

169 Every warm body in my department has been released but me. 'Released'? You mean you're waiting for a pardon from King Barky, Hawaii 4-0-4?

Posted by: t-bird at December 31, 2013 01:12 PM (FcR7P)

170 Dripping Death starring Chlamydia Boxrot and Trich Rottencrotch with special guest star L.G.V. Lottawarts

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 01:12 PM (vHRtU)

171 It's a Wonderful Knife. I'm choking to death here.

Posted by: toby928© attempts the triple and but mostly construction at December 31, 2013 01:12 PM (QupBk)

172 A Bridge Tupac Like "Final Countdown," except instead of a modern carrier going back to WW2, Justin Bieber goes back in time to Compton, 1991.

Posted by: wooga at December 31, 2013 01:14 PM (LW61z)

173

Cracker's Barrel. A duck hunter catches Don Lemon and Toure skinny dipping in his pond. Shoots them and puts the bodies in his pickle barrel. Cracker's Barrel.

Posted by: wth at December 31, 2013 01:14 PM (wAQA5)

174 Purple Headed Warrior vs The Choker: The Jizzing

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 01:14 PM (vHRtU)

175 Centipedophilia- A diminutive majority leader is exposed to radiation from a nuclear test in Searchlight, NV, and sprouts a hundred legs.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at December 31, 2013 01:14 PM (g4TxM)

176 Jabberjaw Jabberjaw

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at December 31, 2013 01:14 PM (aVcgy)

177 Crossboa vs Longcrow. In a battle between beak and scales, you lose.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at December 31, 2013 01:14 PM (SY2Kh)

178 Toilet Alligator and Urethra Fish!

Posted by: Beagle at December 31, 2013 01:15 PM (sOtz/)

179 Ann Althouse & Ace of Spades in MUCH ADO ABOUT NUTTIN'

Posted by: Greta Gaard at December 31, 2013 01:16 PM (MMC8r)

180 Glaadasaurus: Transgender Raptors stalk hobos in the inner city and give them makeovers. And then eat them.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 01:16 PM (vHRtU)

181 So ... new commie NYC mayor is banning horse-drawn carriages?

Posted by: Flatbush Joe at December 31, 2013 01:16 PM (ZPrif)

182 Damn sock.

Posted by: --- at December 31, 2013 01:16 PM (MMC8r)

183 Vaginadentatasaurus.

Posted by: --- at December 31, 2013 01:17 PM (MMC8r)

184 Genital Warts. Genital Warts.

Posted by: name withheld at December 31, 2013 01:18 PM (jW8r8)

185 So ... new commie NYC mayor is banning horse-drawn carriages? Posted by: Flatbush Joe at December 31, 2013 05:16 PM (ZPrif) So they retire the horses to the cat food plant and bankrupt the ranch which raised them forcing them to bug out and starve the remaining horses. Not to mention the humans who depend on the business.

Posted by: Beagle at December 31, 2013 01:18 PM (sOtz/)

186 Klownisaurus!

From the same planet from where the original Killer Klowns came from comes the original, primeval ur-Klown.

It terrorizes many young women in skimpy bikinis.

Posted by: OregonMuse at December 31, 2013 01:19 PM (xm1A1)

187 Oh, Rusty!

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 01:19 PM (ZshNr)

188 MUCH ADO ABOUT NUTTIN' Nice.

Posted by: toby928© at December 31, 2013 01:19 PM (QupBk)

189 Nood

Posted by: Buzzsaw at December 31, 2013 01:20 PM (tf9Ne)

190 In NY it will be allowed to put horses on flat beds and have people pull them around the park.

Posted by: OG Celtic-American at December 31, 2013 01:21 PM (vHRtU)

191 Legume-bas. When a shipment of Georgia peanuts gets lost in a Brooklyn shipyard, the Goobers get mobbed up. Legume-bas. (Animated)

Posted by: Lincolntf at December 31, 2013 01:21 PM (ZshNr)

192 The vaginas have to have teeth. .NOW you've got an Asylum movie.

Posted by: OregonMuse at December 31, 2013 05:07 PM (xm1A1)

Sorry, I have the copyright on that.

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at December 31, 2013 01:22 PM (wAQA5)

193 You had me at "Brooke Hogan,"

WHAAAAT? Why does Ace hate Carmen Electra?

Posted by: SpongeBobSaget at December 31, 2013 01:23 PM (kxSZr)

194 For the Pessimist who wants to see how bad it is.

OR

For the Optimist who wants to see how much time they have to party.

Here: http://tinyurl.com/342cedt

It's a Death calculator.

Input a few questions (I know, I know) and it will tell you your estimated time of death.

I was inspired to look this up by an article about a Death Watch.

This is a watch that you BUY to do the same thing as the calculator does above. (the questions in that might be better, I don't know.)

Enjoy?!

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at December 31, 2013 01:24 PM (LSDdO)

195 Didn't Roger Ebert write the script for this movie already? Posted by: OregonMuse Yeah, and it was jaw-dropping bad. That guy couldn't write to save his life.

Posted by: Russ Meyer at December 31, 2013 01:26 PM (dCwZe)

196 "Death Dogs of Detroit."

Posted by: shibumi at December 31, 2013 01:29 PM (25HWz)

197 Attack of the Shark Zombies

Posted by: Kyon at December 31, 2013 01:30 PM (mT+TO)

198 Spazshark vs. Another Spazshark

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 01:34 PM (EWsrI)

199 Blue Legume Radioactive wastes from Japan wash ashore at Hawaii. The arugula crop mutates into a blue carnivorous leafy vegetable, with a taste for wookies. Blue Legume.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 01:35 PM (aDwsi)

200 I saw Netflix post an ad for "Avalanche Sharks" yesterday; complete with the usual gigantic mega-sharks erupting out of a snow bank, ready to gobble some hapless snow bunnie - the type wearing a pink ski suit. Do they really pay people to sit around all day and come up with the most tasteless drivel imaginable? We produce culture geared towards the lowest common denominator. Eventually, the majority will develop a taste for it, or never learn the difference.

Posted by: I'd rather be surfin at December 31, 2013 01:43 PM (FIiPL)

201 Genetic mutations from Japan result in... Sharktopus! Every arm is a shark head!

There's an actual movie called Sharktopus. I'm not making this up.

Posted by: OregonMuse at December 31, 2013 01:45 PM (xm1A1)

Hide Comments | Add Comment | Refresh | Top

Comments are disabled. Post is locked.

156kb generated in CPU 0.1125, elapsed 0.2568 seconds.
64 queries taking 0.2284 seconds, 329 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.