Ace of Spades HQ

December 31, 2013

Ten Years of Nonsense: Special Guest Editorial by Rich "Psycho" Giambalo
— Ace

Originally published August 26, 2004.

For some time, I've been casting about looking for guest contributors who could help shoulder the blogging load. Recently I received the following essay in an email, and I think the writer's words are important for all of us.

If You Touch My Hoagie One More Time, I Will Fucking Kill You

by Rich "Psycho" Giamboni
Special Guest Columnist for Ace of Spades HQ

If you touch my hoagie one more time, I will fucking kill you. I don't mean that metaphorically. I mean I will fucking reach across this table and literally, physically kill you.

You had your fun. You thought you were cute. You thought it was clown-time, and you were driving the little car. You touched the top of my turkey and provolone hoagie, and now I've had to rip off the piece of bread that you fucking contaminated.

Well I've got news for you, Chuckles. Clown-time is over. Now it's Psycho-Time. And if you touch my goddamned hoagie one more time, I'm going to fuck you up so bad you'll end up looking like Kuato from Total Recall.

Don't believe me? Think I'm joshing with you? Look at my face: I am not joshing with you, pal. I am deadly serious, and if you so much as fucking lay another finger on this sandwich you'll enter a world of hurt of beyond your very capability to conceive. No fuckin' foolin', you touch this hoagie one more time and I will spill life's blood all over this fucking Quizno's.
You finished your fucking cobb salad and now you're still hungry. Well, Poindexter, who the fuck told you to order that fucking cobb salad? I sure as shit didn't. You looked up at all the delicious, filling sandwiches you could have had and instead you went all queerbait on me. That was a mistake, amigo. That was a very bad mistake.

But I implore you-- if you value your very life, don't compound your error by touching my hoagie again. I shit you not, that will be the very last mistake you ever make.

Okay, okay. Now you're getting "funny" again. Now you're holding your hand a couple of inches away from my hoagie. Well aren't you cute? You're like a sixteen-year-old girl who just got her tits looking all sweet and ripe in her party dress. You're a doll, Susan. You're an absolute plum.

But if your fucking hand actually crosses the sandwich Rubicon, I am going to go apeshit up and down your spine. I am going to punch your fucking kidneys until you piss blood out of your fucking eyeballs.

Think I'm being farcical? Think I'm just "pulling your leg"? Right now I'm a 747 filled with only flying elbows and head-butts and I'm running an ad that says "Fly Me." You want to fly me? I offer Frequent Flyer Miles for fuckers who touch my sandwich. I'll take you to hell and back-- no extra charge.

You want to know how serious I am? You know that part in Dirty Harry when he says, "Go ahead, make my day?" Well imagine Clint Eastwood with a fucking turkey and provolone hoagie he's been looking forward to since 10:30 AM.

That's how fucking shit-serious I am, baby. You touch my hoagie again, I'm going to Dead Pool your grinning fucking face until I turn your brain into a slushing mess resembling gray applesauce.

I've got a little switch in my head. I call it my "Psycho Switch." And you're about to flip it. You flip that Psycho Switch, and I go into Full Retard Berserker Mode. I'll come at you with 100% retard-strength. I'll be all over you like a whirlwind of spazz-slaps and drool.

We don't have to go down this road, Chester. If you want a sandwich, they'll make you another one. Don't let your urge to nosh lead you into the grave. But if you want to play, we can play. I consider myself a bit of a "gamer."

So go ahead. Roll the dice. Let's see how all this plays out. But I warn you: This isn't Yahtzee. You won't be collecting pairs of fives. You'll be collecting your fucking teeth out of the Condiments Bar.

You're pulling your hand away now. Congratulations -- you chose wisely, my friend.

And now you're looking up at the menu-display over the cashier's heads. You're smartening up by the minute, Chief. Buy yourself a nice toasted ham and swiss sandwich. Ain't no lie, a nice toasted ham and swiss sandwich beats a trip to the morgue every day of the week, hands down. And that's the name of that tune.

Oh, and-- while you're up? Do me a solid and and grab me a pack of barbeque-flavor Ruffles. I forgot to get them. Thanks.

Rich "Psycho" Giamboni is an award-winning columnist for Hearst Newspapers. His most recent book is Take Back What You Said About Kevin McHale Or I Will Take a Shit in Your Jeep. His column appears here while Helen Thomas is vacationing.

Posted by: Ace at 08:45 AM | Comments (146)
Post contains 867 words, total size 5 kb.

1 He seems nice.

Posted by: grammie winger at December 31, 2013 08:47 AM (P6QsQ)

2 Yep. That's an old one, Chief.

Posted by: akula51[/b][/i][/s] at December 31, 2013 08:48 AM (lQ5/A)

3 Firsty!

Posted by: Hobbitopoly at December 31, 2013 08:48 AM (jQUem)

4 Nopey.

Posted by: Hobbitopoly at December 31, 2013 08:48 AM (jQUem)

whoa,

freshies!

Posted by: zipline Bob at December 31, 2013 08:48 AM (W6iIX)

6 in b4 Flatbush Joe says that's Jake The Snake Roberts!

Posted by: soothsayer at December 31, 2013 08:48 AM (09CLD)

7 It's called a Wedge.

Posted by: garrett at December 31, 2013 08:49 AM (y4ys9)

8 That's a classic. Never noticed that was Jake the Snake in the pic, though

Posted by: brak at December 31, 2013 08:49 AM (iEoiA)

9 Wow. Now THATS writing. Spider pics anyone?

Posted by: maddogg at December 31, 2013 08:49 AM (xWW96)

10 If you touch my hoagie one more time, I will fucking kill you. I don't mean that metaphorically. I mean I will fucking reach across this table and literally, physically kill you. Lighten up Francis.

Posted by: rickb223 at December 31, 2013 08:49 AM (cB3Ay)

11 jake the snake was the effing man. was damian the name of his boa or am i drunk?

Posted by: dillhole12 at December 31, 2013 08:50 AM (uURnG)

This Rich guy looks like a snake named Jake.

Don't even think about touching his hoagie.

Posted by: markon at December 31, 2013 08:50 AM (Yljb/)

13 The best thing about this is that I had - and still have - no idea who Rich Giambalo is, yet I still laughed hysterically when this first came out.

Posted by: Mary Poppins' Practically Perfect Piercing at December 31, 2013 08:50 AM (zF6Iw)

14 Forgot when I first read this post, but it is one of my favorites. XD I can never decide between this and the AoS sex-for-money Skankothon.

Posted by: Kinley Ardal at December 31, 2013 08:51 AM (lgKVh)

15 7 It's called a Wedge. .....the simplest form of tool!

Posted by: akula51[/b][/i][/s] at December 31, 2013 08:51 AM (lQ5/A)

16 I miss the old thread smell.

Posted by: Gingy @GingyNorth at December 31, 2013 08:52 AM (N/cFh)

Skank-a-thon?

I miss all the fun!

Posted by: Azenogoth (Freedom or Fire) at December 31, 2013 08:52 AM (/qzu7)

18 15 7 It's called a Wedge.

.....the simplest form of tool!

I thought that was Joe Biden.

Posted by: Blanco Basura at December 31, 2013 08:52 AM (4WhSY)

19 Very Onion-esque circa 2000.

Posted by: Inspector Cussword at December 31, 2013 08:52 AM (xJS2Q)

20 I cannot believe I'd forgotten about this. And, once again, there's no possible way to explain to my coworkers why I'm laughing so hard.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 08:52 AM (VtjlW)

21 It's called a Wedge. .....the simplest form of tool! I thought that was a rock.

Posted by: rickb223 at December 31, 2013 08:52 AM (cB3Ay)

22 Is "hoagie" a euphemism for something else? ;^) You probably shouldn't have lunch with a mobster unless you're a mobster yourself.

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at December 31, 2013 08:52 AM (BC6cY)

23 This is what happens when Irish are adopted into Italian families.

Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 08:53 AM (3ZtZW)

24 Ironic.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 08:53 AM (EWsrI)

25 Wedgie?

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at December 31, 2013 08:54 AM (aVcgy)

Guy had better be thankful he didn't take a sip out of Rich's soda.

Posted by: wth at December 31, 2013 08:55 AM (wAQA5)

27 His column appears here while Helen Thomas is vacationing. --------------------------- 'Vacationing'? Is that a euphemism used by liberals?

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 08:55 AM (aDwsi)

28 Plato beat the shit out of guy for touching his plate of bread, cheese, and grapes. This stuff goes way back.

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 08:55 AM (EWsrI)

29 Best sammich I had all day.

Posted by: Corona at December 31, 2013 08:55 AM (fh2Y7)

30 It's called a Wedge. .....the simplest form of tool! I thought that was a rock. He meant simple machine. Lever, wheel and axle, pulley, wedge, screw, that sort of thing.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 31, 2013 08:56 AM (IoTdl)

31 you touch this hoagie one more time and I will spill life's blood all over this fucking Quizno's. **** Quizno's? That's so--anti-climatic. midwestern even...

Posted by: Hoagie Mustard at December 31, 2013 08:57 AM (RJMhd)

32 22 Is "hoagie" a euphemism for something else? ;^)

Posted by: FenelonSpoke at December 31, 2013 12:52 PM (BC6cY)

That was my thinking. Why else would he call me Chester?

Posted by: red sweater at December 31, 2013 08:57 AM (oATMN)

33 Whuuuutt? Oh please; don't hurt me. *Burps and reaches for the hoagie*

Posted by: CrotchetyOldJarhead at December 31, 2013 08:57 AM (60Vyp)

34 One of my favorites was the Slade Gorton blog.

Posted by: slatz at December 31, 2013 08:57 AM (mE0Rl)

>>looking like Kuato

Or maybe Uatu. With a black eye, dude

Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 08:58 AM (3ZtZW)

36 When did Joe Pesci start writing?

Posted by: Azenogoth (Freedom or Fire) at December 31, 2013 08:58 AM (f6ZLT)

37 I actually stabbed a kid in the hand in HS. These kids were fucking with my food, I was eating late, and I told them the next guy that touches my food is going to set stabbed. Went straight to the bone and he bleed like a stuck pig after I pulled it out of his hand. Ten minutes later, I am still eating, principal shows up wants to know what happen. I told him. End of story. No one ever touched my food again.

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 08:58 AM (0FSuD)

38 No wonder Quizno's is going tits-up.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 08:58 AM (aDwsi)

39 Plato beat the shit out of guy for touching his plate of bread, cheese, and grapes. This stuff goes way back. Yep, messing with an animal's food is primal anger time. Ace hit an archetype with this one. That's why people sharing food is a bonding event.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 31, 2013 08:58 AM (IoTdl)

>>>One of my favorites was the Slade Gorton blog.

And Lance Winslow

Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 09:00 AM (3ZtZW)

41 He has "Poor Impulse Control" tatooed on his forehead.

Posted by: TomH at December 31, 2013 09:00 AM (ofjLU)

42 I'd like to hear what he thinks about PajamaBoy.

Posted by: wth at December 31, 2013 09:00 AM (wAQA5)

43 See.... ace really IS threatening me. Using a proxy of course....

Posted by: Chuckles Johnson at December 31, 2013 09:01 AM (32Ze2)

44 Chief. Buy yourself a nice toasted ham and swiss sandwich. Ain't no lie, a nice toasted ham **** Okay he really is into Quizno's. They got him by the 'toasted" and that singing rat commercial.

Posted by: Hoagie Mustard at December 31, 2013 09:01 AM (RJMhd)

45 Sharing food mistake: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6fq3Jkh9Es

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 09:01 AM (aDwsi)

If there were a fight between Rich Giambalo and Johnny Coldcuts, who would win?

Posted by: Mary Poppins' Practically Perfect Piercing at December 31, 2013 09:02 AM (zF6Iw)

47 No wonder Quizno's is going tits-up. Is it? I know it was delisted when it went private.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 31, 2013 09:02 AM (IoTdl)

48 Hamlet, Act One, Scene Two Hamlet: Thy hand slithers towards my hoagie Like that vile Serpent in Eden's vines Draw it back to thine veggie feast Now,or I'll spear thy digits on silver tynes

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 09:03 AM (EWsrI)

49 bonhomme - http://nrn.com/finance/quiznos-seeks-restructure-debt

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 09:03 AM (aDwsi)

>>>>that singing rat commercial.

We luv da moooon!

Becoz its made.of.cheese.

Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 09:03 AM (3ZtZW)

51 This is hilarious.

Sort of a mix of an Onion column (http://tinyurl.com/ylh2lch) and a Neill Cumpston movie review (http://tinyurl.com/2zy7xc), but not as offensive as either.

Posted by: Sharkman at December 31, 2013 09:04 AM (TM1p8)

52 I'll let you touch my hogie

Posted by: Dick "I'm a Dick" Durbin at December 31, 2013 09:04 AM (9ng2u)

53 Can you even call what Quizno's makes-- a hoagie? That thing is so tiny. It's--pathetic.

Posted by: Hoagie Mustard at December 31, 2013 09:05 AM (RJMhd)

54 Hey Ricky. That's not mayonaisse on your hoagie.

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at December 31, 2013 09:05 AM (wDHmg)

55 Becoz its made.of.cheese. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug8aM9v40Sg

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 09:05 AM (aDwsi)

"I'll let you touch my hogie"

Sure. Let me grab the toaster and get it nice and burnt first.

Posted by: Azenogoth (Freedom or Fire) at December 31, 2013 09:06 AM (OJn3e)

57 I LOLd throughout.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at December 31, 2013 09:07 AM (DmNpO)

58
Is it me, or does this sound like AtC with Y-Chromosomes?

A MELLOW AtC with Y-Chromosomes.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at December 31, 2013 09:07 AM (TIIx5)

59 Thanks for the info Mike Hammer. I had no idea. I watch the market, but I leave market news alone. Market news is very reactive, not proactive. I filter stocks using indicators like SMA, Bollinger Bands, RSI, Candlesticks. I watch for a strong mover with 1M average stock trades and get in and out, ninja style.

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 31, 2013 09:07 AM (IoTdl)

60 This is the singing rat commercial that Quizno's put up--no joke. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZrks-BPeLQ

Posted by: Hoagie Mustard at December 31, 2013 09:07 AM (RJMhd)

61 How come they don't make Monte Cristos into hoagies or w/e you call em? Can't do 14" french toasties?

Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 09:07 AM (3ZtZW)

62 "Now,or I'll spear thy digits on silver tynes."

I had to read that in High school. As I recall, the answer was something like "Fork you too", although it could have a bad translation.

Posted by: HH at December 31, 2013 09:07 AM (XXwdv)

63 Thread needs more bacon.

Posted by: akula51[/b][/i][/s] at December 31, 2013 09:07 AM (lQ5/A)

64 "Wedge, you can't do anymore back there!" - Luke Skywalker.

"Sorry!" - Wedge.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 31, 2013 09:08 AM (d0bTF)

65 I thought dudes liked getting their "hoagies" handled.

Posted by: votermom at December 31, 2013 09:08 AM (GSIDW)

66 So Ace coined "Full Retard" 4 years before Tropic Thunder?

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at December 31, 2013 09:08 AM (pgQxn)

67 And what about a Louisville Hot Brown as a hoagster? Sure, you'd hafta use a fork, but so what?

Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 09:09 AM (3ZtZW)

68 66 So Ace coined "Full Retard" 4 years before Tropic Thunder? I always suspected he was actually Ben Stiller. Hmmm...

Posted by: akula51[/b][/i][/s] at December 31, 2013 09:09 AM (lQ5/A)

69 I'm really beginning to question Ace's East Coastie-ness. He's starting to smell like a Midwesterner. Sandi-type.

Posted by: Hoagie Mustard at December 31, 2013 09:10 AM (RJMhd)

70 11 was damian the name of his boa or am i drunk?

Yes, and I hope so.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at December 31, 2013 09:11 AM (pgQxn)

71
I saw Louisville Hot Brown open for George Jones at the Bakersfield Fairgrounds back in '83.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at December 31, 2013 09:12 AM (TIIx5)

72 Is it me, or does this sound like AtC with Y-Chromosomes? A MELLOW AtC with Y-Chromosomes. Posted by: IllTemperedCur at December 31, 2013 01:07 PM (TIIx5) Oh pish posh you make it seem as if I am a ball of rage and invective rather than a delicate flower of innocent virtue.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 09:12 AM (VtjlW)

73 I always suspected he was actually Ben Stiller. Hmm, awkward humor, talks a lot, self-deprecating, very interested in Hollywood, odd taste in movies. I think your idea has merit!

Posted by: bonhomme[/i][/b][/i][/b] at December 31, 2013 09:12 AM (IoTdl)

74 69 He's starting to smell like a Midwesterner. Favorite sandwich: Large Pork Tenderloin on Small Bun.

Posted by: akula51[/b][/i][/s] at December 31, 2013 09:12 AM (lQ5/A)

>>>He's starting to smell like a Midwesterner.

You mean he's from *gasp* White Plains?

Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 09:12 AM (3ZtZW)

76 The Hoagies had the hit song long ago called, "Mustard, Mustard"

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 09:13 AM (EWsrI)

77 AlextheChick, re-post from dead thread

I am about to drop that little gem on my gaming and fur-friends. Should be amusing.

Of course if enough Morons use that, we would really need a meet place. Just to drive the stukach nuts as Cmdr Furry plots with Demon Lord Sid and Magical Girl Ginny to resist the Borg...

http://www.facerig.com/faq.php

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 31, 2013 09:13 AM (d0bTF)

78
In other news, our household is having a pork roast today in honor of our many Muslim friends.

All are cordially invited to partake.

Posted by: irongrampa at December 31, 2013 09:13 AM (SAMxH)

79 37>> Heh! Good for you.

Posted by: CrotchetyOldJarhead at December 31, 2013 09:13 AM (60Vyp)

80 You mean he's from *gasp* White Plains? Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 01:12 PM (3ZtZW)
Worse. Ithaca.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 09:14 AM (VtjlW)

81 #11 Yes the boa's name was Damian. Purportedly Jake was the product of incest which makes him an outlying point even on McMahon's freak show. My favorite line of his is "the only face I fear is the one in the mirror".

Posted by: Captain Hate on the iPhone at December 31, 2013 09:15 AM (n4eIH)

82 80 You mean he's from *gasp* White Plains? Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 01:12 PM (3ZtZW) Worse. Ithaca. Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 01:14 PM (VtjlW) He got past the containment field?

Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 09:15 AM (EWsrI)

83 I still don't get why the other guy is touching his sandwich.

Posted by: weft cut-loop [/i] [/b] at December 31, 2013 09:15 AM (dwArK)

84 YAY...I've been asking for this one! Thanks, Ace and Cobs.

Posted by: gromulin at December 31, 2013 09:16 AM (idG6J)

85 Lighten up, Rich.

Posted by: Sgt. Hulka at December 31, 2013 09:16 AM (MMC8r)

86 Of course if enough Morons use that, we would really need a meet place. Just to drive the stukach nuts as Cmdr Furry plots with Demon Lord Sid and Magical Girl Ginny to resist the Borg... http://www.facerig.com/faq.php Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 31, 2013 01:13 PM (d0bTF) I need that in my life.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 09:17 AM (VtjlW)

87 Mmmmmm. Open-face sandwedge!

Posted by: Homer Simpson at December 31, 2013 09:17 AM (6fSty)

88 Ace should make Capt Pike a co blogger and ler him do the morning post.

Posted by: soothsayer at December 31, 2013 09:17 AM (09CLD)

89 Nice and low-key..... I like it!!!

Posted by: fu52 at December 31, 2013 09:17 AM (NYXC6)

90 Still as funny as the first time I read it. Happy New Year everyone.

Posted by: Hodor at December 31, 2013 09:17 AM (g1DWB)

91 I know. Right?

Posted by: LoneStarHeeb at December 31, 2013 09:17 AM (BZAd3)

>>>I still don't get why the other guy is touching his sandwich.

We can't explain/ we think its subs/ gotta touch em too/ when i feel bloo

Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 09:18 AM (3ZtZW)

93 No mullet jokes yet?

Posted by: wth at December 31, 2013 09:18 AM (wAQA5)

94 71 I saw Louisville Hot Brown open for George Jones at the Bakersfield Fairgrounds back in '83 Mebe, but George 'the possum' Jones didn't show up!

Posted by: Cicero Kid at December 31, 2013 09:19 AM (6fSty)

95
Innocent virtue is fucking BORING.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at December 31, 2013 09:19 AM (TIIx5)

96 Jake was great in his WCCW days. Like most things he touches, McMahon turned him into a cartoon.

Posted by: Azenogoth (Freedom or Fire) at December 31, 2013 09:19 AM (v6cwT)

97 Of course if enough Morons use that, we would really need a meet place. Just to drive the stukach nuts as Cmdr Furry plots with Demon Lord Sid and Magical Girl Ginny to resist the Borg... So, SOEmote for general use? http://tinyurl.com/kjuwmdx

Posted by: Brother Cavil at December 31, 2013 09:19 AM (naUcP)

98 82 80 You mean he's from *gasp* White Plains? Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists at December 31, 2013 01:12 PM (3ZtZW) Worse. Ithaca. Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Now with extra taunting. at December 31, 2013 01:14 PM (VtjlW) He got past the containment field? Posted by: eman at December 31, 2013 01:15 PM (EWsrI) ********** So--essentially Buffalo--and he's a Bills fan? Or Giants? Who can figure New Yawkers out.

Posted by: Hoagie Mustard at December 31, 2013 09:19 AM (RJMhd)

99 I started laughing as soon as I saw the picture. Funny stuff.

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at December 31, 2013 09:20 AM (oFCZn)

100 All are cordially invited to partake. Posted by: irongrampa at December 31, 2013 01:13 PM (SAMxH) As long as it's "halal" pork, I'll be right over.

Posted by: Mohanmed the Goat Fucker at December 31, 2013 09:20 AM (0FSuD)

101 98 Who can figure New Yawkers out. Hillary can! - Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY)

Posted by: akula51[/b][/i][/s] at December 31, 2013 09:20 AM (lQ5/A)

102 93 No mullet jokes yet? Posted by: wth at December 31, 2013 01:18 PM (wAQA5) ******** We have-- Mullet Festivals in the South--but it's a fish. NOT--a hairdo worn by your hockey player.

Posted by: Hoagie Mustard at December 31, 2013 09:20 AM (RJMhd)

103 No mullet jokes yet?

After what he said about the sandwich?

No way.

Posted by: --- at December 31, 2013 09:20 AM (MMC8r)

104 This is what happens when Irish are adopted into Italian families. Posted by: Bigby's Expressive Wrists My wife's Italian - Catholic family has intermarried with Irish and Polish Catholics. Hilarity has ensued.

Posted by: Ribald Conservative riding Orca at December 31, 2013 09:21 AM (dCwZe)

105 If Ace was a Midwesterner the sandwich would have been a Hot Beef Commercial.

http://beefcommercialsandwich.blogspot.com/

Posted by: Buzzsaw at December 31, 2013 09:22 AM (tf9Ne)

106 101 98 Who can figure New Yawkers out. Hillary can! - Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) Posted by: akula51 at December 31, 2013 01:20 PM (lQ5/A) ********* Shit. I'm getting obsessed with Hillary lately, nightmares even. Saw two lesbians in Cali dive into their Murano and they still were sporting their-- HRC '08 sticker. (The "R" was inbiggened like you wouldn't believe) Do you guys still see those? I'm out in Cali and I rarely see them. Most libs here dutifully peeled it off and/or pasted Obama over it.

Posted by: Hoagie Mustard at December 31, 2013 09:24 AM (RJMhd)

107 Morons, help me out. What are the football games today and what times?

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 09:26 AM (0FSuD)

108 Brother Cavil that is what it seems. Skype, Kinect. The works.

Posted by: Anna Puma (+SmuD) at December 31, 2013 09:27 AM (d0bTF)

109 Barky Poindexter O'Bumbles Yeah!

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars™ [/i] [/b] [/s] [/u] at December 31, 2013 09:28 AM (HsTG8)

110 While Rich was warning Ace over his sandwich, I banged his wife.

Posted by: --- at December 31, 2013 09:28 AM (MMC8r)

111 That's exactly the attitude I'd like to see in our GOP leadership.

Posted by: Grimmy at December 31, 2013 09:30 AM (uUsh9)

112 Real fcuking psychos order salami heroes, - see what I'm sayin' here?

Posted by: Fritz at December 31, 2013 09:30 AM (UzPAd)

113 Real fcuking psychos order salami heroes, ------------------------- See 110. The salami was hidden.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at December 31, 2013 09:31 AM (aDwsi)

114 While Rich was warning Ace over his sandwich, I banged his wife.

Posted by: ---

That's an awfully mean thing to do to a sandwich.

Posted by: weft cut-loop [/i] [/b] at December 31, 2013 09:32 AM (dwArK)

115
http://espn.go.com/college-football/schedule

I am enjoying these early posts before I ever arrived. Thanks.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at December 31, 2013 09:32 AM (MaP11)

116 What's ace doing in NC? http://tinyurl.com/ovqu2y2

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 09:32 AM (0FSuD)

117

111: "That's exactly the attitude I'd like to see in our GOP leadership."

Swap GOP leadership with populace, and we'd be golden.

One would lead to the other.

Posted by: Azenogoth (Freedom or Fire) at December 31, 2013 09:32 AM (f6ZLT)

118 Ahh the "sandwich Rubicon"... still talked about at my pen and paper group.

Don't let that black dog get you down Ace.

Posted by: ASK21 at December 31, 2013 09:32 AM (hppbQ)

119 Use of the word "Hoagie" is a telltale sign of Anti-Semitism.

Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here)-also drooling imbecile incapable of doing algebra or something at December 31, 2013 09:33 AM (659DL)

120 @115 Thanks.

Posted by: Nip Sip at December 31, 2013 09:33 AM (0FSuD)

121 @11: edit. I left out the important part.

That's exactly the attitude I'd like to see in our GOP leadership... when they're confronting the destructionists, rather than when they're confronting those within their own org that actually represent us, rather than standard issue political privilege for themselves.

Posted by: Grimmy at December 31, 2013 09:33 AM (uUsh9)

122 Most libs here dutifully peeled it off and/or pasted Obama over it. Posted by: Hoagie Mustard The new bumper sticker is "Ready for Hillary in 2016!" I started seeing those last September.

Posted by: Ribald Conservative riding Orca at December 31, 2013 09:34 AM (dCwZe)

123 106 Do you guys still see those? I'm stuck working at a State Exchange in a deep blue state until further notice, and I can currently see the back end of 35-40 cars in the parking lot from my office. Not a single "O" sticker in sight...much like home back in flyover country, at least.

Posted by: akula51[/b][/i][/s] at December 31, 2013 09:34 AM (lQ5/A)

124 Seen In Texas: Ready for Wendy.... Uuuhhhhhgggggg!!!

Posted by: lindafell at December 31, 2013 09:40 AM (PGO8C)

125 124 Ready for Wendy "What Texas really needs is a single-issue candidate for Governor - especially when that single issue is killing babies!" That shuts many a lefty up.

Posted by: akula51[/b][/i][/s] at December 31, 2013 09:42 AM (lQ5/A)

126 The new bumper sticker is "Ready for Hillary in 2016!" I started seeing those last September. Posted by: Ribald Conservative riding Orca at December 31, 2013 01:34 PM (dCwZe) ********* Thanks. Where do you live? 123 106 Do you guys still see those? I'm stuck working at a State Exchange in a deep blue state until further notice, and I can currently see the back end of 35-40 cars in the parking lot from my office. Not a single "O" sticker in sight...much like home back in flyover country, at least. Posted by: akula51 at December 31, 2013 01:34 PM (lQ5/A) Nice! I was out in Colorado--although the C. Springs area--didn't see them gearing up for Hillary! there. Was only in Denver for a couple of hours--so that area I am not sure about.

Posted by: Hoagie Mustard at December 31, 2013 09:44 AM (RJMhd)

127

What Texas really needs is a single-issue candidate for Governor - especially when that single issue is killing babies!"

That shuts many a lefty up.

Posted by: akula51 at December 31, 2013 01:42 PM (lQ5/A)

I find calling her "Abortion Barbie" sends lefties into shrieking fits.

Posted by: Mary Poppins' Practically Perfect Piercing at December 31, 2013 09:44 AM (zF6Iw)

128 Akuala, she has the audacity to say she "for the chilluns"

Posted by: lindafell at December 31, 2013 09:45 AM (PGO8C)

129 If you like your hoagie, you can keep it.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at December 31, 2013 09:47 AM (V4CBV)

130 I love the way he talks to his 10 year old son. Me thinks he needs anger management classes. Take an extra dose of clozapine and check yourself into the local cracker factory me bucko.

Posted by: Styro at December 31, 2013 09:48 AM (MheaI)

131 MPPPP, that's my favorite nic for her

She's pretty dim too. Came out saying she didn't think it was appropriate for the AG of TX to defend TX against certain lawsuits because of conflict of interests. Uh, she doesn't know what the AG does apparently. He doesn't get to pick and choose cases, he has to defend the state against ALL suits, that's his job, duh.

Posted by: lindafell at December 31, 2013 09:50 AM (PGO8C)

132 If you like your Abortion Barbie, you can keep it. I really hope they piss away a ton of cash on that race.

Posted by: akula51[/b][/i][/s] at December 31, 2013 09:50 AM (lQ5/A)

133 In addition to touching a sub, never fuck with a man taking home a box of canolli's.

Posted by: Bill at December 31, 2013 09:58 AM (uvyrw)

134

*crickets*

Posted by: Hillary Clinton at December 31, 2013 10:09 AM (GjPnA)

135 This was always one of my favorite posts on this blog.

Posted by: Sortelli at December 31, 2013 10:13 AM (PHVbg)

136 Thanks for running the oldies. Very fun to read.

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at December 31, 2013 10:15 AM (HVff2)

137 FUCK YES ACE.

Posted by: kevlarchick at December 31, 2013 10:18 AM (+dlqq)

138 Ace, I will hit a DDT on you so fast your whole family will fall over.

Posted by: Jake "The Snake" in Rehab at December 31, 2013 10:23 AM (jXG+o)

139 This thing still makes me laugh.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at December 31, 2013 10:28 AM (WvXvd)

140 It does have an Onionesque vibe; very funny.

Posted by: Gem at December 31, 2013 10:29 AM (zw+pb)

141 This was always my favorite riff. I think it's what really hooked me into the beautiful world of the political ewok.

Posted by: The drizzle at December 31, 2013 10:39 AM (ysCLj)

142 Lighten up, Francis.

Posted by: Gunny at December 31, 2013 10:46 AM (QKYRm)

143 Does this guy have a girl friend? I think he and Greta Gaard would get along famously.

Posted by: Dave LeBlanc at December 31, 2013 11:57 AM (6ti9o)

144 Reading this while watching my kids on a playground and laughing so hard I'm crying. Showed it to my wife who said "you know, he's right: Quiznos has very big bowls of chili!"

Posted by: McGurk at December 31, 2013 12:15 PM (Nafrv)

145 Man this blog used to be funny. Somebody should rewrite this about health insurance and direct it at Chuckles Obama.

Posted by: someguy at December 31, 2013 12:19 PM (8XRrT)

146 Good writer. Gets the pacing right but is too intellectual in a couple of spots. I know real guys like this and they don't understand words such as "metaphorically", "implore", and "farcical", let alone speak them. Their mÃ©tier is fear and brutish violence.

Posted by: jix at December 31, 2013 01:34 PM (0/7an)

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