Ace of Spades HQ

January 03, 2014

Ten Years of Nonsense: The Kaboom Confessions
— Ace

Originally published September 4, 2013. I've got a few more of these for the weekend and then that'll be it for the old posts.

No Matter How Hard We Run, We Can Never Escape Our Childhood Breakfast Cereals

I don't want to admit this, really, but -- and what you're about to read is pretty much actually true -- since I was a child, I've had a strong revulsion to Kaboom cereal, due to what may be called a early-childhood type of social dysmorphia.

And, ultimately, self-hatred.

You say you've never heard of Kaboom? You think I'm making Kaboom up?

Well let me explain this. You've heard of Apple Jacks, right? Sure you have. Everyone has.

I wanted to be an Apple Jacks kid.

Apple Jacks kids had so much fun in the commercials. Fresh-faced, healthy, and free, and hopeful for the future. Singing and dancing and just loving on their Apple Jacks.

And the cereal was awesome too. I had it once in a Snack-Pack that fell off a truck.

But there were no commercials for Kaboom.

It was just a dirty little secret, like massage parlors and the back room at a pawnbroker's.

That's why you never heard of it.

But Kaboom kids know. Kaboom kids understand.

Apple Jacks was for winners.
Kaboom was the cereal of The Defeated
I mean, look at this box. Who is that box for? Who is the intended demographic here ?

People who are coming up in the world? People who are upwardly mobile?

No. Kaboom was for people -- children, I mean -- who had decided to give up on life. And it's a sad thing for a six-year-old to have already thrown in the towel and said, "Ah well. The hopes and dreams of kindergarten are ultimately exposed as so much folly. Give me the Kaboom, Ma. I'm ready to settle."

Because that's all such a cereal is fit for, those who settle, who accept, those who lower their gaze in defeat and shame. This, this horrid Clown Cereal that looks like it's some kind of weird generic brand but it's actually marketed by General Mills. I suppose this was General Mills' attempt to tap the "downscale demographic" in six-year-olds.

First of all, children hate clowns. All children. There's a joke that everyone's afraid of clowns. Well that's not true. But everyone does hate them. Children most of all, because clowns get up in your grill with horrible jokes and diseased breath, eyes glassy with vodka and pedophilia.

So who's this cereal for exactly? I suppose clowns might buy it for their victims and abductees, but that's not a large market. Well, not that large, anyway. Couple hundred thousand units a year, tops.

When marketers found that most children
described the Kaboom clown as "creepy,"
they called a meeting, and then added
a creepy bear and creepy hippo into the mix.
Note that the hippo is not really your classic circus animal
but this is in line with Kaboom's "Who Cares?" design parameters

And look at that box. Look at the colors. They're horrible. And this was not a color scheme that was in vogue back in the day, either. No, among all the other breakfast cereals, Kaboom stood out as a cereal where the manufacturers simply were not even trying, because they wanted to appeal to children who had already decided that Track 3 in reading class was probably a bridge too far and not really worth the effort.

It's like they gave a bunch of crayons and construction paper to illiterate hobos and said, "Do your best. Or your worst. We don't care. We're aiming for the dregs of second grade. Try to include a clown. Or don't. It really won't matter either way."

And the cereal was not even good. You would think that if you're selling this abortion of a breakfast cereal to the primary school underclass -- the emerging nihilistic YOLO demographic -- you would at least load it up with sugar because, what does it even matter?, the sort of kids who eat Kaboom know they're going to die young anyway. They have no illusions.

But you'd be wrong. Actually Kaboom was not very sweet at all.

I think they decided to skimp on sugar so they could put extra sugar on the more upscale cereals like Frosted Flakes and Frosted Mini-Wheats.

It was mostly just... oats.

You know: Like what they feed to the animals.

Prize at the bottom of the box? Oh no way, not with Kaboom cereal. No way they're throwing a ha'penny whistle in there for the poor kids. You're lucky they even bothered putting the cereal into a box, instead of just distributing it off a government assistance truck into your cupped hands.

I think occasionally they had mail-in sweepstakes where you could win a welfare voucher.

Or maybe a coupon for the orphanage PX. So you could buy some extra gruel and sewing supplies for the weekend.

A "prize," if you can call it that, included in Kaboom cereal,
when they briefly offered such toys in 1972.
Kaboom cereal pioneered Choking Hazard technology
until tepid public criticism forced them to end the practice
and to issue a halfhearted apology.

And it was unappetizing looking in the bowl as well. The colors were off. They weren't bright friendly colors like you might find in more respectable, upwardly mobile cereals like Lucky Charms. They didn't even pay for regular food coloring. They made Kaboom with discount irregular food coloring usually used for cat treats.

Kaboom's color palette was like the bright hues of a poisonous toad designed to warn off predators, a mixture of the garishly day-glo and and bizzrrely dark (the purple was that of a deep bruise, still bleeding beneath the skin). When milk was added, Kaboom became a nightmarish swirl of ugly, angry colors not to be found in nature, making your milk look as if it was just curdling into a loathesome cheese produced by an alien mold.

Detail of Kaboom Cereal.
Nothing says "part of a balanced breakfast"
like the Faces of the Unquiet Dead.
The famous "death mask imagery" of Kaboom
teaches children that aspiration is vanity
and all dreams are lies

They should have called it "Kabul." Just come right out with it. Let the people know what they're in for.

This is a cereal intended for bulk purchase by the United States Department of Agriculture to feed dirty foreign children. And their animals, too. One stop shopping-- they can all feed out of the same trough.

The cereal's chief use was as a humanitarian insult.

You might wonder at this point, What possible connection is there between the clown theme and explosions, as suggested by the name "Kaboom"? Well, don't bother thinking about it too hard. They sure didn't. This product was slapped together more or less randomly by People Who Didn't Even Care, intended for sale to People Who Care Just a Little Bit Less Than That.

Kaboom is not really a product designed for those who enjoy the life of the mind. Quite the opposite. It's a product designed for those whose subnormal IQs locate them in the brutish twilight existence that divides, hazily, the crude human from the cunning beast.

The cereal is essentially designed with an eye towards the inevitable devolution of the species. Future-proof, if you will.

If the Morlocks had a cereal it would be Kaboom. But they'd insist on more flavor.

Wow, Kaboom, 45% of some vitamins and iron.
Way to swing for the fences on nutrition.
You know what 45% is in school? That's right, it's a failure.
Kaboom relentlessly transmits the message that Failure Is Freedom.
And I can't wait to cut out that "Circus Game" and
play with some cardboard, either.
It's like it's designed to teach kids that the power
of imagination will only end in embarrassment.

Kaboom was made with a special secret ingredient: Contempt.

Did I eat Kaboom as a kid? You bet I did. If I didn't, I wouldn't have such a strong memory about it. If I never ate Kaboom, I would have just said, "Oh, that's the cereal that other children whose parents don't love them eat."

But no. I ate Kaboom. Quite a few times. More times I care to remember. And every time my mom brought home that garish yellow box of sorrows, I had the same thought: "Ohhh... we're that sort of people then, eh? We're just not even keeping up appearances anymore, are we, Mother?"

We weren't. And although we struggled to deny it to ourselves, we were now Kaboom People.

The truth is a relentless hunter.

Oh, we didn't quite sink to Kaboom's level. Not at first.

We strove to endure.

We were fighters.

But the cereal did drag the family down. It very nearly ruined us all.

And this is hard to say, but -- in the end we surrendered ourselves to Kaboom.

The "New Look" of Kaboom attempted
to make the cereal more "relevant" to kids in the 80s,
apparently seeking to play on fears of nuclear holocaust.

Ultimately, our sin wasn't in consuming Kaboom. Our sin was in letting Kaboom consume us.

We Descended.

We found the Kaboom Folk, or rather, they found us. The Kaboom Folk know their own. The downcast eyes, the twitch in a shameful smile. The know the Signs.

And then together we went wild into the night, without shame and without shoe, running petty scams at the carnival, stealing newspapers out of boxes and selling them for a nickel, eking out a rough existence at the grubby margins of human habitation.

Half-feral urban nomads living in communion with packs of wild dogs. For six months I wore nothing but a a fur jerkin and a genital sock.

My pack name was Mokh-Mokh.

And each night we came back from our scavengings to our shelterpit to eat our Kaboom, our shabby bowl of weirdly-colored animal feed and shame. But we no longer cared. We were free, but it was not true freedom.

It was only the dark, oatey freedom of Kaboom. A freedom I would not wish upon my worst enemy, or even the urban dogs who would fight us for pigeon carcasses.

Nowadays I can afford any sort of cereal I like. I can even spring the extra quarter for the high-class muesli-inflected Eurocereals if I like.

But I'll never escape where I came from. And where I came from was Kaboomville. Population: A ghastly clown, his stupid pink-purple parasol, and me. With my spoon, crying into my oddly discolored milk.

Posted by: Ace at 01:45 PM | Comments (268)
Post contains 1782 words, total size 11 kb.

1 A classic.

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 03, 2014 01:49 PM (DpEwG)

2 Hello

Posted by: YIKES! at January 03, 2014 01:49 PM (mETGQ)

3 Kaboom: the cereal for children with an Existential Crisis.

Posted by: shibumi at January 03, 2014 01:51 PM (25HWz)

4 You're absolutely right, Ace.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at January 03, 2014 01:51 PM (eHIJJ)

5 It was the best of breakfastez ... it was the wurst of breakfastez ...

Posted by: Adriane... at January 03, 2014 01:52 PM (m3Cp/)

6 *golf clap* I didn't say this at the time, but I hated Apple Jacks. I always wanted to be a Life cereal kid. My dad was very regimented about certain things, one of them being cereal boxes. My sister and I could only have one of "our" cereals open at a time. Sometimes there'd be a second Depression-era cereal like Puffed Rice (gag!) or the sugarless shredded wheat. And for whatever reason, my mom never bought Life cereal. (We did have other sugary things like Cap'n Crunch on occasion. But when we'd visit my cousins - five girls - they had many boxes of cereals open at a time, including Life, even though they were much poorer than we were. It always seemed so cool. Really envied them their cereal choices.

Posted by: Y-not at January 03, 2014 01:52 PM (zDsvJ)

7 Sorry Ace, I still just don't grok this one. Useful meme thoughÂ…

Posted by: The Political Hat at January 03, 2014 01:52 PM (XvHmy)

8 This is wife's favorite piece of yours Ace...the boy wishes he was a victim of the Kaboom era...

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 03, 2014 01:57 PM (TE35l)

9 My pack name was Mokh-Mokh. Should we now refer to you as Mr. O'Mokh-Mokh of Spades?

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at January 03, 2014 01:57 PM (bCEmE)

10 Still one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Posted by: Holmes at January 03, 2014 01:57 PM (GAqms)

11 Duck, cover and eat Kaboom.

Posted by: Tattoo De Plane at January 03, 2014 01:58 PM (Y92Nd)

12 Does Kaboom teach valuable life lessons? Or is does merely break the will of our children?

Posted by: wooga at January 03, 2014 01:58 PM (2Ukpc)

13 7 The Political Hat at January 03, 2014 05:52 PM (XvHmy)

It's fight club, meets grapes of wrath, meets imitation Cap'n Crunch hat....

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 03, 2014 01:58 PM (TE35l)

14 It was probably mentioned in the original post, but that Kaboom clown looks an awful lot like John Wayne Gacy.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 01:59 PM (olDqf)

15 That closeup of the Kaboom is haunting.

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 01:59 PM (L4hQO)

" like massage parlors and the back room at a pawnbroker's."

I go Kaboom either place.

Posted by: Chumlee at January 03, 2014 01:59 PM (wAQA5)

17 Somewhere along the production line, 55% of the vitamins and iron fell onto the floor.

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at January 03, 2014 01:59 PM (bCEmE)

18 When was the first time the flaming skull was ever used? Just curious.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:00 PM (olDqf)

19 Dead serious, all AoSHQ sarcasm aside. I have never eaten any of that stuff.

Just some LIFE cereal and 95% oatmeal + honey + raisins + cinnamon.

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:00 PM (x3YFz)

20 14 J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 05:59 PM (olDqf)

or Jim Messina OR Edith from All in the Family

Posted by: Sven10077 at January 03, 2014 02:00 PM (TE35l)

21 Actually, as recently as a few weeks ago, I saw boxes of Quisp at my local supermarket. I preferred Quake. Oh well.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:01 PM (olDqf)

22 Kafail?

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:02 PM (x3YFz)

23 Reliable yet anonymous sources suggest that Harry Reid keeps a sizable cache of Kaboom in the back room of an abandoned butcher shop in Searchlight, Nevada. Allegedly.

Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 02:02 PM (KbrNh)

24 I begged my dad to buy Kaboom once, and when I tasted it, I nearly wretched. But I had to finish every. last. friggin. bite.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:03 PM (olDqf)

25 23 Reliable yet anonymous sources suggest that Harry Reid keeps a sizable cache of Kaboom in the back room of an abandoned butcher shop in Searchlight, Nevada. Allegedly. Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 06:02 PM (KbrNh) Abandoned pawn shop or whorehouse (the one that Fredo runs).

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:03 PM (olDqf)

26 Kaboom was the reason Ace turned to hobo hunting.

Posted by: Kinley Ardal at January 03, 2014 02:03 PM (CdgLv)

27 21 Actually, as recently as a few weeks ago, I saw boxes of Quisp at my local supermarket.

I preferred Quake. Oh well.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 06:01 PM (olDqf)

We mill our own grains.

Be surprised at:

1) how easy it is
2) your first two weeks in the bathroom (bring plenty of books)
3) how much better you feel

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:04 PM (x3YFz)

28 Kaboom?

No.

Apple Jacks!

Posted by: OregonMuse at January 03, 2014 02:04 PM (xm1A1)

29 In the womb, dreamed of being a Kaboom Kid.

Posted by: Oskar Matzerath at January 03, 2014 02:04 PM (L4hQO)

30 27 Kaboom was the reason Ace turned to hobo hunting. Posted by: Kinley Ardal at January 03, 2014 06:03 PM (CdgLv) Hobo Soup. For reals. http://hobosoup.com

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:05 PM (olDqf)

I am so stealing that.

Posted by: Stephen King at January 03, 2014 02:05 PM (wAQA5)

32 Oh we need the rant on whats her name for the 10yr. Contessa Brewer! That's it. Bring back the Contessa Brewer rant after she brushed off the Palin insults as 'not at all a big deal' Is that too much ace?

Posted by: MikeTheMoose Laughing Maniacally While Throwing Matches. at January 03, 2014 02:05 PM (0q2P7)

33 that purple face in the last picture makes me think of the looks on the faces of those uncovered 2000 years after being buried under the volcanic ash at Pompeii.

Delish.

Posted by: Mallfly at January 03, 2014 02:05 PM (bJm7W)

34 Hahahahahaha! From wiki: Appearances: >Quentin Tarantino's 2003 movie Kill Bill Vol. 1 included a scene in which character Vernita Green uses a gun hidden in a box of Kaboom cereal in an attempt to kill The Bride. >A box of Kaboom also appears as a focal point in the Butthole Surfers' video for their song "Cherub". >Kaboom cereal was referenced in the "Game of Tones" episode of Futurama. >On September 4th, 2013 the public image of Kaboom cereal took a negative turn when Depressive Blogger Ace noted that "Kaboom was for people -- children, I mean -- who had decided to give up on life. And it's a sad thing for a six-year-old to have already thrown in the towel and said, 'Ah well. The hopes and dreams of kindergarten are ultimately exposed as so much folly. Give me the Kaboom, Ma. I'm ready to settle.'

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at January 03, 2014 02:05 PM (bCEmE)

35 I looked this gem up again last night. Glad to see it featured!

Posted by: 7of69 at January 03, 2014 02:05 PM (yQp73)

36 We mill our own grains. Be surprised at: 1) how easy it is 2) your first two weeks in the bathroom (bring plenty of books) 3) how much better you feel Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 06:04 PM (x3YFz) ***** You'll poke your eye out!

Posted by: Joe Biden Your Extra Secret President at January 03, 2014 02:06 PM (RJMhd)

37 It's Kabooms all the way down.

Posted by: eleven at January 03, 2014 02:06 PM (fsLdt)

38
Poor families didn't eat cereal during my era. We considered the original Quaker Oats Oatmeal the best choke and puke breakfast available.

A bowl of oats with a big fat dab of butter and a teaspoon of sugar or honey and you were good to go. If it was good enough for grandpa, it was good enough for me. Woot!

Posted by: Doctor Fish at January 03, 2014 02:08 PM (pJF+c)

39 "...when Depressive Blogger Ace noted..."

Posted by: Tami at January 03, 2014 06:05 PM (bCEmE)

Ace.

You need someone gone? I know a guy who knows a guy.

It'll look like an accident.

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:08 PM (x3YFz)

40 Kaboom: it's what's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the internment camps of the Burning Times.

Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 02:08 PM (KbrNh)

41 If you feed a dog Kaboom, it will orient itself towards magnetic north.

Posted by: wooga at January 03, 2014 02:09 PM (2Ukpc)

42 I actually wasn't that big a fan of the Kaboom post.

Posted by: Jack Burton Mercer at January 03, 2014 02:09 PM (7NgYX)

43 My son and I laughed and laughed together over this one. Thanks for making your family memory into one of ours, Ace.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 03, 2014 02:09 PM (P6QsQ)

44 Never gets old, hah. But then again I never ate Kaboom, so I have no memories of it with which to wind me down a shame spiral of defeat and melancholy. I was a Kix kid, not sure if that was much better.

Posted by: LizLem at January 03, 2014 02:09 PM (BF+2f)

45 Depressive blogger , heh .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at January 03, 2014 02:09 PM (XWw96)

46 28 Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 06:04 PM (x3YFz) The bathroom is not a library. I do not understand this phenomenon. You cannot plan your bowel movements for when you want them and just sit on the throne reading "War and Peace" or the back of the Kaboom box. Peristalsis will happen when it happens and not a minute too soon. Unless you ate a japati in Islamabad.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:10 PM (olDqf)

47 Stay and have Quisp with me at the junkie table!

Posted by: that guy from Laserblast at January 03, 2014 02:10 PM (eIZld)

48 "Â…can't get enough of Super Sugar Crisp!" (up your's, Doomberg!)

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:11 PM (olDqf)

49 For six months I wore nothing but a a fur jerkin and a genital sock. Jesus, that's good imagery.

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:11 PM (L4hQO)

50 There is also this from the wiki on Kaboom cereal-- A box of Kaboom also appears as a focal point in the Butthole Surfers' video for their song "Cherub". **** Really? A band calls themselves --"The Butthole Surfers"?

Posted by: Joe Biden Your Extra Secret President at January 03, 2014 02:11 PM (RJMhd)

51 The individual cereal pieces do remind me of Edward Munch's The Scream.

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 03, 2014 02:12 PM (DpEwG)

52 Is using Kaboom (goes in purple, turns green when clean) Toilet Bowl Cleaner also declassÃ©?

Posted by: RondinellaMamma at January 03, 2014 02:12 PM (EJ/Tn)

53 The thing that really gets me about Kaboom is that it was made by General Mills. It's not some weird off brand or something. I find that concerning. Does GM have an entire factory where it produces B level products for the government market or something?

Posted by: Lauren at January 03, 2014 02:12 PM (hFL/3)

54 Rice Krispies, Kellogg's Corn Flakes, Frosted Flakes, Cheerios, Raisin Bran (always picked the raisins out, as I hated them in my cereal), few others I can't remember. But "Kaboom"? I probably had as fucked up a childhood as damn near anybody, but the exquisite torture of Kaboom I managed to miss...

Posted by: The Oort Cloud at January 03, 2014 02:12 PM (w7sJP)

55 That prize looks like something Sandra Fluke wants women to have. There's the solution. Ladies, go buy Kaboom before sex.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:13 PM (olDqf)

56 The bathroom is not a library. I do not understand this phenomenon. You cannot plan your bowel movements for when you want them and just sit on the throne reading "War and Peace" or the back of the Kaboom box.

------------------

This is why you keep an Encyclopedia on that little shelf in the bathroom. Duh.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 03, 2014 02:13 PM (P6QsQ)

57 Kaboom is animal silage....I had pop tarts.

Posted by: BignJames at January 03, 2014 02:13 PM (j7iSn)

58 It was Kaboom Cereal that killed the beast.

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 03, 2014 02:13 PM (DpEwG)

59 I saw the butthole Surfers open for Dinosaur Jr in 1988, I think.

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:13 PM (L4hQO)

60
What was that?

Posted by: Somali Grocer at January 03, 2014 02:13 PM (MaP11)

Posted by: Tami at January 03, 2014 06:05 PM (bCEmE)

Ace is internet famous! If he keeps this up maybe he can post at the Federalist one day...or is that also a dream "ultimately exposed as so much folly"?

Posted by: LizLem at January 03, 2014 02:14 PM (BF+2f)

62 53 Is using Kaboom (goes in purple, turns green when clean) Toilet Bowl Cleaner also declassÃ©? Posted by: RondinellaMamma at January 03, 2014 06:12 PM (EJ/Tn) It does remove stubborn turd residue without scratching the porcelain. Works wonders on dentures.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:14 PM (olDqf)

63 This is by far my favorite Ace post in the history of ever.

Posted by: dj at January 03, 2014 02:14 PM (oGJbv)

"A toasted oat cereal with marshmallow stars"

How could they not be magically delicious?

Posted by: General Mills at January 03, 2014 02:14 PM (wAQA5)

65 A band calls themselves --"The Butthole Surfers"? Posted by: Joe Biden Your Extra Secret President at January 03, 2014 06:11 PM (RJMhd) "Get Off My Wave Or I'll Break Your Face".....big hit.

Posted by: BignJames at January 03, 2014 02:15 PM (j7iSn)

66 A band calls themselves --"The Butthole Surfers"? 'Hairway to Steven'!

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:15 PM (L4hQO)

67 Kaboom cereal's 3 major ingredients are oats, sugar, sadness.

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 03, 2014 02:16 PM (DpEwG)

68 The bathroom is not a library. I do not understand this phenomenon. You cannot plan your bowel movements for when you want them and just sit on the throne reading "War and Peace" or the back of the Kaboom box.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 06:10 PM (olDqf)

Wanna bet? I've learned more Russian history from Daniel Pipes on the throne than most history professors I've known. I've read all of David Gemmell's books (best fantasy fiction, ever) with naked thighs. Made it through Alastair Reynold's books, edited Jack Murphy's novels and Brandon Webb and Glen Doherty's "Navy SEAL Sniper from that point overlooking my bushes.

Hell to you, I say.

Your complete disregard for the holy of holies is noted and will be revisited upon you in the afterlife, unbeliever.

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:16 PM (x3YFz)

69 >>Half-feral urban nomads living in communion with packs of wild dogs. For six months I wore nothing but a a fur jerkin and a genital sock. Heh.

Posted by: JackStraw at January 03, 2014 02:16 PM (g1DWB)

70 65 "A toasted oat cereal with marshmallow stars" How could they not be magically delicious? Posted by: General Mills at January 03, 2014 06:14 PM (wAQA5) One of my favorite National Lampoon issues was the Food Issue. Picture of an emaciated Lucky the Leprechaun with the headline "Lucky the Leprechaun Dies in Maise Prison" Also, Ethiopian frozen food "Mrs. Paul's Sticks."

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:16 PM (olDqf)

71 I think I'm going to kill myself.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at January 03, 2014 02:17 PM (Ec6wH)

72 Ka-fucking-boom, awesome

Posted by: Misanthropic Humanitarian at January 03, 2014 02:17 PM (HVff2)

73 67 A band calls themselves --"The Butthole Surfers"? 'Hairway to Steven'! Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 06:15 PM (L4hQO) ********** omg... I went looking for it. I'm not "seeing" the Kaboom box. But I do think I spot a Kaboom Kid- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bExty0gS1kc Cherub

Posted by: Joe Biden Your Extra Secret President at January 03, 2014 02:17 PM (RJMhd)

74 ...And we never miss a meal Cause we love our cereal

Posted by: Dr. Varno at January 03, 2014 02:17 PM (V4CBV)

75 69 Your complete disregard for the holy of holies is noted and will be revisited upon you in the afterlife, unbeliever. Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 06:16 PM (x3YFz) May you enjoy a painful rectal itch. * (anus)

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:18 PM (olDqf)

76 Posted by: General Mills at January 03, 2014 06:14 PM (wAQA5) Waiter! Can you get me another Manhattan?

Posted by: Valerie Jarrett at January 03, 2014 02:18 PM (L4hQO)

77 When I was young we had to lock the dumpster lids shut to keep the Kaboom kids from scavenging our used coffee grounds and mold.

When we were feeling generous, we'd occasionally toss them an orange peel.

Actually, generous is the wrong word. It was mostly to watch them fight over it. The kid with a tooth usually won.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at January 03, 2014 02:18 PM (SY2Kh)

78 The Wikipedia page for Kaboom cereal actually mentions Ace's post. Too funny. "On September 4th, 2013 the public image of Kaboom cereal took a negative turn when Depressive Blogger Ace noted that "Kaboom was for people -- children, I mean -- who had decided to give up on life. And it's a sad thing for a six-year-old to have already thrown in the towel and said, 'Ah well. The hopes and dreams of kindergarten are ultimately exposed as so much folly. Give me the Kaboom, Ma. I'm ready to settle.' "[1][citation needed]"

Posted by: BlueFalcon in Boston at January 03, 2014 02:19 PM (KCvsd)

79 ...and Kaboom goes the dynamite.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at January 03, 2014 02:19 PM (V4CBV)

80 Your mom probably used an old box of Kaboom and put in sawdust and sugar to shut you up.

Maybe a little bit of sweepings from the kitchen.

I mean, after a while did you really look at what you were shoveling down your pie hole?

How do you think she could afford that velvet portrait of Elvis that hung in the living room?

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at January 03, 2014 02:19 PM (LSDdO)

81 Jesus, T9, you'll get blood clots from shit/sitting that long. Though you could probably get at least a master's done in the can.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at January 03, 2014 02:19 PM (Ec6wH)

82 Before I really could cook (and lived alone) many was the dinner of Rice Krispies and banana.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:19 PM (olDqf)

83 72 I think I'm going to kill myself.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at January 03, 2014 06:17 PM (Ec6wH)

uh. throw a /sarc tag on that so we don't all call 911 at once.

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:19 PM (x3YFz)

84 60 I saw the butthole Surfers open for Dinosaur Jr in 1988, I think.

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 06:13 PM (L4hQO)

--------------

I saw the Surfers live somewhere back in the middle 90s. The opening acts were the Toadies and Reverend Horton Heat...both of which put on better shows.

Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 02:20 PM (KbrNh)

85 82 Jesus, T9, you'll get blood clots from shit/sitting that long. Though you could probably get at least a master's done in the can. Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at January 03, 2014 06:19 PM (Ec6wH) This might be a new e-business model - BM MBA's.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:20 PM (olDqf)

86 82 Jesus, T9, you'll get blood clots from shit/sitting that long. Though you could probably get at least a master's done in the can.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at January 03, 2014 06:19 PM (Ec6wH)

...in Engineering. Want a pic of the diploma?

(hint: you don't want the pic I'd take)

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:21 PM (x3YFz)

Never had Kaboom. My parents made me eat Nabisco Shredded Wheat. My life was a whirlwind of bad luck and unfortunate events thereafter.

It was like a pot habit at the age of two.

Posted by: Soona at January 03, 2014 02:21 PM (bLMw4)

88 Kaboom. I think I'm going to kill myself.

Posted by: Harry Reid, King of Assholes at January 03, 2014 02:21 PM (KbrNh)

89
I ate this cereal which came from an evil machine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deGWaeNxryg

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at January 03, 2014 02:21 PM (MaP11)

90 OK, picture a Kaboom! box with the caption..."I think I'm going to kill myself."

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at January 03, 2014 02:21 PM (Ec6wH)

91 Ace never ate the Marshmallow Stars. None of the Kaboom kids did. They hoarded them and used them to barter their way out of the menial chores like cleaning out the furnace and giving Grandma a sponge bath.

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:22 PM (L4hQO)

92 57 This is why you keep an Encyclopedia on that little shelf in the bathroom. Duh. Posted by: grammie winger at January 03, 2014 06:13 PM (P6QsQ) I will know that the world is lost when I enter a bathroom and see a complimentary I-Pad.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:22 PM (olDqf)

93 the Surfers live somewhere back in the middle 90s. The opening acts were the Toadies and Reverend Horton Heat...both of which put on better shows. Going to see the Rev next weekend!

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:22 PM (L4hQO)

94 The generic Super SugarSmacks in a bag were damned good.

Posted by: Lincolntf at January 03, 2014 02:23 PM (ZshNr)

95
Eating a few servings of Kaboom each week had the same effect as receiving a couple of virgin stitches from the delivery physician. I love the way it tightened up my taco.

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at January 03, 2014 02:23 PM (pJF+c)

96 42 If you feed a dog Kaboom, it will orient itself towards magnetic north. Posted by: wooga at January 03, 2014 06:09 PM (2Ukpc) LOL!

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:23 PM (olDqf)

97 If the Morlocks had a cereal it would be Kaboom. But they'd insist on more flavor. Kaboom is made of Eloi! It's made of Eloi!

Posted by: AmishDude at January 03, 2014 02:23 PM (T0NGe)

Did I miss something... what was the clown's name?

Posted by: wth at January 03, 2014 02:23 PM (wAQA5)

99 Kaboom: it was all they had left on board the Akademik Shokalskiy.

Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 02:24 PM (KbrNh)

100 Kaboom insists upon itself.

Posted by: AmishDude at January 03, 2014 02:24 PM (T0NGe)

101 what was the clown's name Despair

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:24 PM (L4hQO)

102 Kaboom? Never heard of it.

Posted by: Charlie Gibson at January 03, 2014 02:24 PM (T0NGe)

103 96 Eating a few servings of Kaboom each week had the same effect as receiving a couple of virgin stitches from the delivery physician. I love the way it tightened up my taco. Posted by: Sandra Fluke at January 03, 2014 06:23 PM (pJF+c) Bathtub full of vinegar and/or alum. Worked wonders for the ladies in the shtetl.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:24 PM (olDqf)

104 The ennui is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Like a French movie or something.

Posted by: jakeman at January 03, 2014 02:24 PM (vH4YP)

105 102 what was the clown's name Despair Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 06:24 PM (L4hQO) Emmet Kelly.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:25 PM (olDqf)

106 Stu-22, that's because the Toadies are awesome. Rapey, but awesome.

Posted by: Lauren at January 03, 2014 02:25 PM (hFL/3)

107

Butthole Surfers.....

The perfect theme music for a Kaboom life.

Posted by: eleven at January 03, 2014 02:25 PM (fsLdt)

108 Kaboom is your breakfast if you're hospitalized under Obamacare.

Posted by: AmishDude at January 03, 2014 02:25 PM (T0NGe)

109 Going to see the Rev next weekend!

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 06:22 PM (L4hQO)

--------------

Awesome...have a psychobilly freakout for me...

Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 02:25 PM (KbrNh)

110 If terrorists had a cereal, Kaboom is what it would look like.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at January 03, 2014 02:25 PM (V4CBV)

111 100 Kaboom: it was all they had left on board the Akademik Shokalskiy. Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 06:24 PM (KbrNh) LOL! I think this redux post is funnier than the original!

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:25 PM (olDqf)

112 I will know that the world is lost when I enter a bathroom and see a complimentary I-Pad.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 06:22 PM (olDqf)

So what do you people do in there? I mean, ya know, beyond the obvious.

You just stare straight ahead and hope for the best? For like 10 minutes? Furrowed brow? Piercing gaze?

In that time you could have read 10 pages of whatever book you're reading. Time is money!

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:25 PM (x3YFz)

113 I grew up with Corn Flakes, mostly.

It was this experience that taught me that one must eat their breakfast in under 15 seconds or be faced with a bowl of milky snot.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at January 03, 2014 02:25 PM (SY2Kh)

114 This Kaboom. It is like a box of my life.

Posted by: Henri at January 03, 2014 02:26 PM (L4hQO)

115
Snorting a line of crushed Kaboom had the same effect as doing a line of cocaine. A big headache and a large throbbing boner.

Posted by: Cheech and Chong at January 03, 2014 02:26 PM (pJF+c)

116 108 Butthole Surfers.....

The perfect theme music for a Kaboom life.

Posted by: eleven at January 03, 2014 06:25 PM (fsLdt)

----------------

In particular: "The Revenge of Anus Presley".

Yep.

Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 02:26 PM (KbrNh)

117 Hilarious!

Posted by: fb at January 03, 2014 02:27 PM (JVEmw)

118 For a few years I owned the domain name bathroombooks.com, and had some plans for a site and perhaps a book club. I thought a good bonus item would be a steam-proof enclosed shelf that could be mounted on a wall by the toilet.

Posted by: epobirs at January 03, 2014 02:27 PM (Ncf1Y)

119 Kaboom: the only last meal that the Death Panels will authorize.

Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 02:27 PM (KbrNh)

120 113 So what do you people do in there? I mean, ya know, beyond the obvious. You just stare straight ahead and hope for the best? For like 10 minutes? Furrowed brow? Piercing gaze? In that time you could have read 10 pages of whatever book you're reading. Time is money! Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 06:25 PM (x3YFz) I go when I feel the urge to go. Then it generally slides out 1,2,3. Over and done in like 3-5 minutes.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:28 PM (olDqf)

121 I prefer-- The Vagina Surfers.

Posted by: Duck Dynasty MGMT at January 03, 2014 02:28 PM (RJMhd)

122 Rice Puffs, Wheat Puffs, various Chex cereals, were our staples.

Posted by: Lincolntf at January 03, 2014 02:28 PM (ZshNr)

123 The original name of Kaboom was "Satan's Ass".

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 03, 2014 02:28 PM (DpEwG)

124
Kim Jong un's uncle received a last meal of Kaboom prior to execution by hungry dogs.

Posted by: Doctor Fish at January 03, 2014 02:28 PM (pJF+c)

125 Is Kaboom halal? Maybe they should rename it Al Qabum.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:28 PM (olDqf)

126 Kaboom! used to have cool prizes in it, like the collector's edition Sean Connery Zardoz action figure.

Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at January 03, 2014 02:29 PM (Ec6wH)

127 111 If terrorists had a cereal, Kaboom is what it would look like.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at January 03, 2014 06:25 PM (V4CBV)

yeah, except that part where you have to clean the Kaboom off the windows of you combat-locked hmmv after Johnnie Jihad with the IQ of wheat explodes himself.

Granted. It's funny. But someone has to was that vehicle off.

Ever hit a deer?

Kinda like that except you felt bad for the deer.

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:29 PM (x3YFz)

128
The Camps will have Kaboom.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at January 03, 2014 02:29 PM (MaP11)

129 123 Rice Puffs, Wheat Puffs, various Chex cereals, were our staples. Posted by: Lincolntf at January 03, 2014 06:28 PM (ZshNr) Lap of luxury! We ate staples.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:29 PM (olDqf)

130 The Kaboom kids frightened me. To see them coming down the street in their fur jerkins and genital socks was to experience the same terror a Roman citizen experienced when he saw the Vandals coming over the Capitoline Hill.

Posted by: Donna V. at January 03, 2014 02:29 PM (R3gO3)

131 I see Cracked is now calling A&E the WalMart of television networks. The culture war never stops. A&E caved so now the Left will punish A&E as a message to the others.

Posted by: Flatbush Joe at January 03, 2014 02:29 PM (ZPrif)

132 >>I go when I feel the urge to go. Then it generally slides out 1,2,3. >>Over and done in like 3-5 minutes. Big Anus is taking over every thread.

Posted by: JackStraw at January 03, 2014 02:30 PM (g1DWB)

133 >>121 113 So what do you people do in there? I mean, ya know, beyond the obvious. You just stare straight ahead and hope for the best? For like 10 minutes? Furrowed brow? Piercing gaze? DependsÂ™.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at January 03, 2014 02:30 PM (V4CBV)

134 Do not taunt Kaboom Cereal.

Posted by: Dr Spank at January 03, 2014 02:30 PM (DpEwG)

135 I saw Nihilistic YOLO Demographic open for DEVO at L.A.'s Club Nokia back in '80.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at January 03, 2014 02:30 PM (eHIJJ)

136 127 Kaboom! used to have cool prizes in it, like the collector's edition Sean Connery Zardoz action figure. Posted by: Big Fat Meanie at January 03, 2014 06:29 PM (Ec6wH) Nah, that's a Sandra Fluke secret decoder IUD.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:30 PM (olDqf)

137 You familiar with this expression? Helicopter Parents. I never heard it before today.

Posted by: Soothsayer at January 03, 2014 02:30 PM (ka6ta)

138 I think you should periodically repost old posts throughout the year. There's too much good stuff out there, both in terms of writing quality and events we may have forgotten. I like this little funny. http://ace.mu.nu/archives/063223.php#063223

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 03, 2014 02:31 PM (DmNpO)

139 For a few years I owned the domain name bathroombooks.com, and had some plans for a site and perhaps a book club. I thought a good bonus item would be a steam-proof enclosed shelf that could be mounted on a wall by the toilet.

Posted by: epobirs at January 03, 2014 06:27 PM (Ncf1Y)

----------------------------------------------

Plastic book covers, so those toilet paper accidents can be easily wiped away.

Posted by: Soona at January 03, 2014 02:31 PM (bLMw4)

140 132 I see Cracked is now calling A&E the WalMart of television networks. The culture war never stops. A&E caved so now the Left will punish A&E as a message to the others. Posted by: Flatbush Joe at January 03, 2014 06:29 PM (ZPrif) ********* The Othering

Posted by: Duck Dynasty MGMT at January 03, 2014 02:31 PM (RJMhd)

141 Had cereal even been invented when Vic was a kid?

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:31 PM (L4hQO)

142 I used to love the big shredded wheat planks that filled the bowl. Let the milk, sugar, etc. soak in, yum, yum, yum.

Posted by: Lincolntf at January 03, 2014 02:32 PM (ZshNr)

143 You familiar with this expression? Helicopter Parents. I never heard it before today. Posted by: Soothsayer at January 03, 2014 06:30 PM (ka6ta) Really? Been around for at least 5 years. Parents who constantly hover over their children.

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at January 03, 2014 02:32 PM (bCEmE)

144
The grand Kaboom prize everyone sought was the single chance out of millions to have Kate Upton's phone number.

Posted by: Doctor Fish at January 03, 2014 02:32 PM (pJF+c)

145 I don't know about you but I thought those tiny boxes of cereal were the best thing ever.

Posted by: Soothsayer at January 03, 2014 02:33 PM (ka6ta)

146 132 I see Cracked is now calling A&E the WalMart of television networks. The culture war never stops. A&E caved so now the Left will punish A&E as a message to the others. Posted by: Flatbush Joe at January 03, 2014 06:29 PM (ZPrif) Money talks, bullshit walks. And a lot of money screams. Still, no accounting for MFM "news" networks.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:33 PM (olDqf)

147 100--- Kaboom: it was all they had left on board the Akademik Shokalskiy. Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 06:24 PM (KbrNh) ------------------------ Hah! Good one!

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at January 03, 2014 02:33 PM (dfYL9)

148
>>>I ate this cereal which came from an evil machine:

Seriously!!? Do you see that little checkerboard insignia when he sets the box on the table. That's the insignia for Purina Mills.

Yes

That Purina.

I think you just bested ace.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose Laughing Maniacally While Throwing Matches. at January 03, 2014 02:33 PM (0q2P7)

149 No Kaboom on ebay makes me sad.

Posted by: SpongeBobSaget at January 03, 2014 02:34 PM (kxSZr)

150 "Stars, dammit! No fcukin hearts, goddam moons or shitty clovers. Blue diamonds? What do you think this muthafukin brand is? We're General Mills. Lucky Charms is our Cadillac. Kaboom is Chevrolet. No, you know what it is? It's Edsel. We compete in the shitty cereal market too, people. That's what Kaboom is all about, market saturation from top to bottom. I don't give a damn if it doesn't sell, it takes up shelf space doesn't it? That's shelf space that could be taken up by Grape Nuts. Do you want barley stones taking the place of a General Mills product you cocksucking asshole? There are kids who want Kaboom cereal. There are kids who need Kaboom cereal. I want them seeing that creepy little technicolor oat smiley face in their nightmares, do you hear me?"

Posted by: AmishDude at January 03, 2014 02:34 PM (T0NGe)

151 145 The grand Kaboom prize everyone sought was the single chance out of millions to have Kate Upton's phone number. Posted by: Doctor Fish at January 03, 2014 06:32 PM (pJF+c) ******** The Kaboom Prize now is an ObamaCare waiting room number with only three digits in it!!

Posted by: Duck Dynasty MGMT at January 03, 2014 02:34 PM (RJMhd)

152 I don't know about you but I thought those tiny boxes of cereal were the best thing ever. I buy a brick for breakfast every Earth Day.

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:34 PM (L4hQO)

153 Yeah I dont know Helicopter Parenting stayed completly off my radar.

Posted by: Soothsayer at January 03, 2014 02:34 PM (ka6ta)

154 132 I see Cracked is now calling A&E the WalMart of television networks. The culture war never stops.
A&E caved so now the Left will punish A&E as a message to the others.

Posted by: Flatbush Joe at January 03, 2014 06:29 PM (ZPrif)

---------------

Cracked is the Big Lots of list-based "comedy" websites.

Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 02:34 PM (KbrNh)

155
I never ate Kaboom cereal, but I have eaten possum balls for breakfast and they were good and tasty.

Posted by: Phil Robertson at January 03, 2014 02:34 PM (pJF+c)

156

I've still got a couple boxes in my van for the kids.

Posted by: Harry Reid at January 03, 2014 02:34 PM (wAQA5)

157 Kellogg's Corn Flakes.

Breakfast of Champions my ass.

Glad my mom wouldn't buy 'em. (probably cost too much).

Grape nuts (here have a bowl of break-your-teeth)

Shredded Wheat (If you like having long thin stuff stick in you teeth)

Frosted Flakes (although sugary, it shared some of the attributes of corn flakes.

Cheerios (the only cereal guaranteed to make it intact to the last of the milk.)

side note: remember when milk could come just pasteurized and the cream would separate out at the top of the bottle? Probably not, it's been a while. Although here in Amish country it's more easy to get but you have to look for it. Used to be a race to see who could get to open the new bottle of milk so they could get that fatty creamy goodness on the cereal. Good times in my grandma's basement eating breakfast.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at January 03, 2014 02:35 PM (LSDdO)

158

Helicopter Parents.

Yep. They hover. Although I hope they do not hover because their kid has been in the bathroom for 3 hours reading War and Peace. Actually, no kid would do that. They'd sit in the can for 3 hours looking at looking at pron.

To the bathroom readers: Jeez, don't you get numb? And why is it better to read in a small stinky room rather than getting out of there and, oh, I don't know, curling up on the sofa?

It's one of the mysteries of life to me.

Posted by: Donna V. at January 03, 2014 02:36 PM (R3gO3)

159 I like GrapeNuts.

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:36 PM (L4hQO)

160 Ten Years of Nonsense should be a continuing feature. Noobs would really enjoy them. Maybe weekly. And maybe reader could continue to send you what they remember as the best. Hell, we remember the good threads better than you do, Ace.

Posted by: toby928© sobs quietly, but in a manly manner at January 03, 2014 02:36 PM (QupBk)

161 I liked cocoa puffs and then got sick on them, I never ate cereal again. I was almost a crib death. I heard the story once. My older brother told me 9 or 10 years ago that it used to happen all the time. My mother told me she didnÂ’t want to tell me because she was afraid IÂ’d worry. She said I got better when they stopped the formula. I canÂ’t eat ice cream, milk, etc. I can eat cheese, though.

Posted by: Carol at January 03, 2014 02:36 PM (z4WKX)

162 To the bathroom readers: Jeez, don't you get numb? And why is it better to read in a small stinky room rather than getting out of there and, oh, I don't know, curling up on the sofa? You don't have a wife, do you?

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:37 PM (L4hQO)

163 And why is it better to read in a small stinky room rather than getting out of there and, oh, I don't know, curling up on the sofa? Best light in the house.

Posted by: toby928© sobs quietly, but in a manly manner at January 03, 2014 02:37 PM (QupBk)

164 Aaaaaace, come out and plaaaaaay-yay... *clink* *clink*

Posted by: Guys in genital socks at January 03, 2014 02:37 PM (T0NGe)

165 151 Posted by: AmishDude at January 03, 2014 06:34 PM (T0NGe) Kap'n Krunch is essentially ground glass. Utterly shredded the roof of my mouth.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:37 PM (olDqf)

166
I grew my large and impressive tits from eating Kaboom!

Posted by: Brooklyn Decker at January 03, 2014 02:38 PM (pJF+c)

167 garrett: "Had cereal even been invented when Vic was a kid?"

Vic was never a kid. He was born ornery and retired but mostly retired.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at January 03, 2014 02:38 PM (eHIJJ)

168 they don't call it The Porcelain Throne for nothing

Posted by: Soothsayer at January 03, 2014 02:38 PM (ka6ta)

169 I remember Irradiated Milk. Builds strong teeth and bones, as well as extra appendages and super powers.

Posted by: toby928© sobs quietly, but in a manly manner at January 03, 2014 02:38 PM (QupBk)

170 Cracked is the Big Lots of list-based "comedy" websites. Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 06:34 PM (KbrNh) Dollar Tree.

Posted by: AmishDude at January 03, 2014 02:38 PM (T0NGe)

171 Didn't Jewel grow up in a car, eating Kaboom?

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:39 PM (L4hQO)

172

Cracked is the Big Lots of list-based "comedy" websites. Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 06:34 PM (KbrNh)

Cracked is the Kaboom of list-based "comedy websites.

Posted by: Donna V. at January 03, 2014 02:39 PM (R3gO3)

173 170 I remember Irradiated Milk. Builds strong teeth and bones, as well as extra appendages and super powers. I got clown superpowers from irradiated milk on Kaboom cereal. I got oversized feet. And *nothing* else.

Posted by: AmishDude at January 03, 2014 02:40 PM (T0NGe)

174
I discovered Kaboom in a cave in eastern Peruvia in the year 1545.

Posted by: Ponce de Leon at January 03, 2014 02:40 PM (pJF+c)

175 Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 06:28 PM (olDqf)

Oooooh well la di dah, look at Mr. Regular.

Enjoy it now bub cause in your later years, bathroom time takes on a quality and length that stretches indefinitely. (or so it seems)

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at January 03, 2014 02:40 PM (LSDdO)

176 Butthole Surfers did the song "Pepper"

Go listen to it, you will probably recognize it.

Posted by: Dave in Fla at January 03, 2014 02:40 PM (LxcRK)

177
You don't have a wife, do you?

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 06:37 PM (L4hQO)

I think that's a rhetorical question. ^5

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:40 PM (x3YFz)

178 170 I remember Irradiated Milk. Builds strong teeth and bones, as well as extra appendages and super powers. Posted by: toby928Â© sobs quietly, but in a manly manner at January 03, 2014 06:38 PM (QupBk) For years, I refused to drink milk. Couldn't get past the label that said "HOMO." *(Full disclosure - from an old Robert Klein routine, who is himself an old Robert Klein routine)

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:40 PM (olDqf)

179 garrett, since I am female and do not live on the isle of Lesbos, no, I do not have a wife.

Posted by: Donna V. at January 03, 2014 02:41 PM (R3gO3)

180 For years, I refused to drink milk. Couldn't get past the label that said "HOMO." I imagined it pouring out a bit thick and gloppy.

Posted by: toby928© sobs quietly, but in a manly manner at January 03, 2014 02:41 PM (QupBk)

181 176 Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 06:28 PM (olDqf) Oooooh well la di dah, look at Mr. Regular. Enjoy it now bub cause in your later years, bathroom time takes on a quality and length that stretches indefinitely. (or so it seems) Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at January 03, 2014 06:40 PM (LSDdO) I do have regularity issues. But I don't think sitting on the shitter and straining until a vein bursts either fore or aft is a good thing to do! ;-)

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:41 PM (olDqf)

182 Not a big Kaboom fan here

Posted by: Vince Foster at January 03, 2014 02:42 PM (W6wuT)

183 The sun sets early in the shredded wheat world. It's cold, windy. The promise of an endlessly long night. We hear the despairing shrieks of the Kaboom kids....and we wish we were them.

Posted by: Soona at January 03, 2014 02:42 PM (bLMw4)

184 It was probably mentioned in the original post, but that Kaboom clown looks an awful lot like John Wayne Gacy. Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 05:59 PM (olDqf) A good friend of mine was a guard at Menard on Gacys' block when he was there. Said he seemed like the nicest, most unassuming con in the joint. Now, add clowns and I think there's part of the KaBoom meme.

Posted by: 98ZJUSMC Rounding Error Extraordinaire at January 03, 2014 02:42 PM (05azV)

185 177 Butthole Surfers did the song "Pepper" Go listen to it, you will probably recognize it. Posted by: Dave in Fla at January 03, 2014 06:40 PM (LxcRK) *********** I spent some time in Canuckistan so could have missed it. Off to go check it out. Swear to allah I heard people talk about the group but I thought they were full of merde--and joking about the name.

Posted by: Duck Dynasty MGMT at January 03, 2014 02:42 PM (RJMhd)

186 I ate corn flakes, like a good little farm boy. If I had known that Ace was a Kaboom guy, I would never have come to this shitty blog. Settling, indeed.

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at January 03, 2014 02:43 PM (iZN7R)

187 Enjoy it now bub cause in your later years, bathroom time takes on a quality and length that stretches indefinitely. (or so it seems)

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at January 03, 2014 06:40 PM (LSDdO)

At my age, brother, it's adventure time.

When you're 15, you're in there for 15 minutes for good reasons. When you're our age, you're in there for 15 minutes deciding on whether or not you need to see a doctor.

Might as well get some reading done.

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:43 PM (x3YFz)

188 Ten Years of Nonsense cannot be put away until we have revisited a Steven Seagal thread.

Posted by: SpongeBobSaget at January 03, 2014 02:43 PM (kxSZr)

189 184 The sun sets early in the shredded wheat world. It's cold, windy. The promise of an endlessly long night. We hear the despairing shrieks of the Kaboom kids....and we wish we were them. Posted by: Soona at January 03, 2014 06:42 PM (bLMw4) I would love to hear Jean Shepherd recite that.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:43 PM (olDqf)

190 Hmmm.... sounds like a rip off of Beck . sort of.

Posted by: Duck Dynasty MGMT at January 03, 2014 02:45 PM (RJMhd)

191 I saw Helicopter Parents open for the B-52s at the Trocadero in '79.

Posted by: rickl at January 03, 2014 02:45 PM (sdi6R)

192 Oh man...a fellow Kaboomer coming-out. I feel your pain man, I feel...your...pain.

I'm here for you if you need me...I'll bring the extra-fat-added whole milk, a couple of deep bowls and big spoons.

Posted by: MJN1957 at January 03, 2014 02:45 PM (yvVwB)

193 Ten Years of Nonsense cannot be put away until we have revisited a Steven Seagal thread. *** It would actually make this demanding blog a little less demanding to post a few old posts a month throughout the year. It's the year of ACE!

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 03, 2014 02:46 PM (DmNpO)

194

Detail of Kaboom Cereal.
Nothing says "part of a balanced breakfast"
like the Faces of the Unquiet Dead.

Soylent Green... Red, Yellow and Purple

Posted by: wth at January 03, 2014 02:46 PM (wAQA5)

195 Also, Time is different in the bathroom. Something about the porcelain, and the lighting bends it in weird ways. At times, hours seem like minutes. Then again, at times minutes seems like days. It's a weird place. Best not to talk about it at all.

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:46 PM (L4hQO)

196 Probably was, but that song was pretty popular. Kind of a one hit wonder since it got a lot of air play, but no one knew who did the song.

Probably because no one wanted to say the band name on the air.

Posted by: Dave in Fla at January 03, 2014 02:46 PM (LxcRK)

197 I do have regularity issues. But I don't think sitting on the shitter and straining until a vein bursts either fore or aft is a good thing to do!

;-)

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 06:41 PM (olDqf)

Who said anything about straining?

As we get older, things go slower, so I choose to take that time to, let's say, multitask.

Why you gotta hate?

Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 02:46 PM (x3YFz)

198 Cheerios. Shredded Wheat. Hot old fashioned oatmeal. Grape Nuts. Malto Meal. Mom NEVER bought sugar cereal.

Posted by: panzernashorn at January 03, 2014 02:47 PM (MhA4j)

199 If you think a thread about a previous thread about Kaboom is ennui, over at Hot Airs, Doughboy has an article about King Tut having died with a stiffie and they can't find it.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:47 PM (olDqf)

200 do the Retros and recaps on the weekend.

Queue them up and let the cobs spit em out as they see fit or when they think they can get away with it.

I assume even the cobs have a life on the weekends.

but maybe I'm overthinking this.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at January 03, 2014 02:48 PM (LSDdO)

201 Only at the HQ do people argue about the 'correct' way to poop.

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at January 03, 2014 02:48 PM (bCEmE)

202 Mom NEVER bought sugar cereal. Well, maybe not for you.

Posted by: Sean Connery at January 03, 2014 02:48 PM (L4hQO)

203 198 Why you gotta hate? Posted by: tangonine at January 03, 2014 06:46 PM (x3YFz) I no hate. I get excited. ;-) see smiley/winky face?

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:48 PM (olDqf)

204 197 Probably was, but that song was pretty popular. Kind of a one hit wonder since it got a lot of air play, but no one knew who did the song. Probably because no one wanted to say the band name on the air. Posted by: Dave in Fla at January 03, 2014 06:46 PM (LxcRK) ********* Yep. That makes sense. Kind of like it---holy hell does it end with the sound of a guy zipping up his pants--and the toilet flushing? Ha!

Posted by: Duck Dynasty MGMT at January 03, 2014 02:48 PM (RJMhd)

205 I never heard of Kaboom GM cereal until now.

Posted by: panzernashorn at January 03, 2014 02:48 PM (MhA4j)

206 Liberal's future,
Darkness inescapable.
All will eat Kaboom.

Posted by: K-Selected at January 03, 2014 02:50 PM (SqoiK)

207 197 Probably because no one wanted to say the band name on the air. Posted by: Dave in Fla at January 03, 2014 06:46 PM (LxcRK) Could have called them "Bee-Yoo-Toe-Lay Surfers"

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:50 PM (olDqf)

208 Re: the running Butthole Surfers sub-thread... To experiece the band's true demented essence, consult "The Shah Sleeps in Lee Harvey's Grave" or "The Revenge of Anus Presley" NSFW, to say the least...

Posted by: Stu-22 at January 03, 2014 02:50 PM (l87Ho)

209 Blueberry Mini-Wheats FTW!

Posted by: Chris M at January 03, 2014 02:51 PM (k3w9p)

210 Only at the HQ do people argue about the 'correct' way to poop.

Posted by: Tami at January 03, 2014 06:48 PM (bCEmE)

At least we don't argue about how many squares of TP to use...

Posted by: wth at January 03, 2014 02:51 PM (wAQA5)

211 207 Liberal's future, Darkness inescapable. All will eat Kaboom. Posted by: K-Selected at January 03, 2014 06:50 PM (SqoiK) Last line could be "Kaboom enemas."

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:51 PM (olDqf)

212 To the bathroom readers: Jeez, don't you get numb? And why is it better to read in a small stinky room rather than getting out of there and, oh, I don't know, curling up on the sofa? I used to, but since I remodeled the upstairs into the spa/library with multiple lighting arrangements and 2 heaters, it's quite conducive to reading. The spongy soft seat didn't hurt, either....

Posted by: 98ZJUSMC Rounding Error Extraordinaire at January 03, 2014 02:51 PM (05azV)

213 Kaboom? Are you kidding me? You were one of those rich kids if you grew up eating that! When I grew up on the mean streets of Scranton, I ate a cereal called BINGO. Kate it nekid, and I enjoyed it, by gum!

Posted by: Joe Biden at January 03, 2014 02:51 PM (o6g4X)

214 Does Kaboom teach valuable life lessons? Or is does merely break the will of our children? Yes.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 03, 2014 02:51 PM (qc7at)

215 At least we don't argue about how many squares of TP to use... Posted by: wth at January 03, 2014 06:51 PM (wAQA5) Wait for it.....

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at January 03, 2014 02:52 PM (bCEmE)

216 Only at the HQ do people argue about the 'correct' way to poop.

Can I get partial credit for being aligned with magnetic north?

Posted by: SpongeBobSaget at January 03, 2014 02:52 PM (kxSZr)

217 In the end, there will be nothing but KABOOM!

Posted by: runningrn at January 03, 2014 02:52 PM (o6g4X)

218 Only at the HQ do people argue about the 'correct' way to poop.

Posted by: Tami at January 03, 2014 06:48 PM (bCEmE)

--------------------------------------------------

Sometimes it's all we've got.

Posted by: Soona at January 03, 2014 02:52 PM (bLMw4)

219 Last line could be "Kaboom enemas." All enemas are Kaboom enemas.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 03, 2014 02:52 PM (qc7at)

220 I think Ace is putting us on. No way a Kaboom kid quits smoking.

Posted by: garrett at January 03, 2014 02:52 PM (L4hQO)

221 What about Krispy Kritters or Alpha Bits?

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:53 PM (olDqf)

222 The cereal reviews are as long as the movie reviews around here. Like the kid, I gave up early.

Posted by: Meremortal, peering.... at January 03, 2014 02:53 PM (1Y+hH)

223 218 In the end, there will be nothing but KABOOM! Posted by: runningrn at January 03, 2014 06:52 PM (o6g4X) The end will be a whimper just after the Kaboom.

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 02:54 PM (olDqf)

224 But I don't think sitting on the shitter and straining until a vein bursts either fore or aft is a good thing to do!

Posted by: J.J. Sefton at January 03, 2014 06:41 PM (olDqf)

And somehow, you think that WE do?

This isn't a choice. (should I take half an hour or just get it over and go back to work?)

It's like 404care; it's MANDATED.

Plus not straining is the reason for the time taken. You could pop a hemorrhoid doing that.

(true story: In 2002 I sat down one day to do my duty when I sneezed while applying pressure. Bang! caused an umbilical hernia.

Fortunately, I noticed it a few days later, recognized what it was I it was like someone was inside blowing a bubble through my belly button. Weird.) and scooted off to the docs where they said "YEP".

Got all patched up just like a old tire tube. Seriously they use a fibreglass patch to strengthen the surrounding area.)

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at January 03, 2014 02:54 PM (LSDdO)

225 All I see in the future is a human face with a box of Kaboom! stamping down upon it......forever.

Posted by: Sort-of-Mad Max at January 03, 2014 02:55 PM (DLu2s)

226 Kaboom - the internship of cereals. If you have a glimmer of creative talemt you were whisked away to the big building to start on Sugar Pops.

Posted by: rickb223 at January 03, 2014 02:56 PM (qc7at)

227 new fun thread up

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 03, 2014 02:56 PM (DmNpO)

228 Tami, I'm not arguing, just expressing my bafflement. I'm not Bloomberg who, if he remained in office, would probably decide that having an deep indented ring around one's ass causes cancer or obesity and would limit visits to the bathroom to 10 minutes...

Posted by: Donna V. at January 03, 2014 02:56 PM (R3gO3)

229 Speaking of toilet paper, what is this new spiel the manufacturers have glommed onto about NEW! IMPROVED! MORE ROLLS IN ONE!!!!!, claiming one roll is now the equivalent of what four or six were? I guess they just mean price.

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at January 03, 2014 02:57 PM (dfYL9)

230 Posted by: Donna V. at January 03, 2014 06:36 PM (R3gO3)

It's one of the few times men can reliably multitask.

Plus it's the "safe" room for those who share their lives with others.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at January 03, 2014 02:57 PM (LSDdO)

231 I'll wait for the movie, or TED presentation, or plagiarized stand-up act.

Posted by: Corona at January 03, 2014 02:58 PM (fh2Y7)

232 I liked Kaboom. I also liked Necco wafers, jujubes and Bit o' honey.

Posted by: big al at January 03, 2014 02:58 PM (3MNCs)

233 All I can say about sitting on the toilet long enough to read a chapter of a book is that it's still better than opening up the garbage can to dispose of a plastic bag of shit.

Posted by: Soona at January 03, 2014 02:58 PM (Z1soJ)

234 >>> new fun thread up Don't tell willow. She's a Kaboom Kid.

Posted by: fluffy at January 03, 2014 02:59 PM (Ua6T/)

235 I think Ace should go father back in the time machine and make it a weekly thread. Does anyone else agree? It was fun reading how we became known as Morons. I kind of thought it a bit insulting.

Posted by: Carol at January 03, 2014 02:59 PM (z4WKX)

236 big al, but did you also like circus peanuts? Now that's really the sign of being a lost soul, enjoying that orange styrofoam.

Posted by: Donna V. at January 03, 2014 03:00 PM (R3gO3)

237 Kaboom is made from what the swept up off the floor at other General Mills cereal plants.

Posted by: Ook? at January 03, 2014 03:00 PM (FBkKA)

238 Quisp or Quake. Was that precursor to Kaboom? http://tinyurl.com/Quisp-Quake

Posted by: olddog in mo at January 03, 2014 03:00 PM (EKOIc)

239 If you want to talk about nasty food for kids, does anyone remember Libbyland Frozen Dinners.

Posted by: big al at January 03, 2014 03:00 PM (3MNCs)

240 I coulda been a contenda but whata I get a one way ticket Kaboomville

Posted by: Ace Malloy at January 03, 2014 03:02 PM (N3Al8)

241 Speaking of dumps, Ace just dropped another load.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That (Unexpurgated Edition) at January 03, 2014 03:02 PM (LSDdO)

242 Donna V, loved the circus peanuts, in fact they will always remind me of my grandmother who kept some for when we grandkids visited.

Posted by: big al at January 03, 2014 03:03 PM (3MNCs)

243

Kaboom cereal brought to you by Oppenheimer the Clown.

Guaranteed shelf half-life exceeds all other brands.

Perfect to stock up your little backyard Fallout Shelter!!!

Posted by: General Mills at January 03, 2014 03:05 PM (wAQA5)

244 well, to each his own, big al. I remember them as the candy the mean old lady down the street gave us for trick or treat. She'd just toss a couple of circus peanuts in our bags. After few years we got the hint.

Posted by: Donna V. at January 03, 2014 03:05 PM (R3gO3)

245 Kaboom was not merely a cereal, it was a demographic. Why do you think those hideously bland undersized and underpowered Aries and Reliants that Chrysler sold were designated as the "K Cars"?

Posted by: kbdabear at January 03, 2014 03:05 PM (aTXUx)

246

Along the breakfastfront Starring Ewok Moron as Ace Malloy

Posted by: Ace Malloy at January 03, 2014 03:07 PM (N3Al8)

247 Thanks for re-posting this, it's brilliant. I had never been aware of this cereal before I read this. I think it is very cool that this made the wiki entry.

Posted by: Jocon307 at January 03, 2014 03:07 PM (7+F2i)

248 A little mood music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySXrmvfBNGw

Posted by: Toucan Son of Sam at January 03, 2014 03:09 PM (XvHmy)

249 I grew up eating Total. The wheat one in the dreaded blue box. I actually think the box would have tasted better than the cereal...

Posted by: runningrn at January 03, 2014 03:11 PM (o6g4X)

250 Kim Jong un's uncle received a last meal of Kaboom prior to execution by hungry dogs.

Posted by: Doctor Fish at January 03, 2014 06:28 PM (pJF+c)

In Korea, lunch eats you....

Posted by: Jenk at January 03, 2014 03:11 PM (e2ysZ)

251 229 Tami, I'm not arguing, just expressing my bafflement. I'm not Bloomberg who, if he remained in office, would probably decide that having an deep indented ring around one's ass causes cancer or obesity and would limit visits to the bathroom to 10 minutes... Posted by: Donna V. at January 03, 2014 06:56 PM (R3gO3) I was just kidding Donna. It's part of the...uh...charm of this place.

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at January 03, 2014 03:14 PM (bCEmE)

252 They'll take my extended bathroom sessions over my cold dead body!!

It's the only time I'm fully in control of my life.

Posted by: Barrel Nazi at January 03, 2014 03:22 PM (LSDdO)

253 "I grew up eating Total."

I had a boyfriend who swore by Total cereal. He just couldn't get over the idea that it had 100% of vitamins, or whatever. He was just always thrilled by that. He was a silly man.

Posted by: Jocon307 at January 03, 2014 03:30 PM (7+F2i)

254 Ace, check out the Wikipedia article for Kaboom! Your article is listed there.
You've made it, buddy.

Posted by: Mike at January 03, 2014 03:41 PM (Rk8LS)

255 I still don't believe this is real.

Posted by: MrX at January 03, 2014 04:42 PM (q8eh5)

256 Oh, stuff your Kaboom. Y'know why?

Grins & smiles & giggles & laughs.

That's why.

Made by a robot named Cecil who blew it out of his nose. Yeah, that's real sanitary. "Robot boogers, part of this complete breakfast!"

Posted by: baboy at January 03, 2014 04:56 PM (paOTg)

257 Oh, stuff your Kaboom. Y'know why?

Grins and smiles and giggles and laughs.

That's why.

Made by a robot named Cecil who blew it out of his nose. Yeah, that's real sanitary. "Robot boogers, part of this complete breakfast!"

Posted by: baboy at January 03, 2014 04:58 PM (paOTg)

258 By God, I remember Kaboom but had forgotten about it until these posts. One more reason to despise my libtard parents.

Posted by: JL at January 03, 2014 05:00 PM (waREj)

259 Kaboom still lives. They just changed into a toilet bowl cleaner:

http://www.kaboomkaboom.com/

Posted by: pearson at January 03, 2014 05:09 PM (4IbiE)

260 Please find someone that helped create this cereal, or at least worked on it, and interview them. That might make my year.

Posted by: Chris at January 03, 2014 05:34 PM (N5qf7)

261 Funny shit, Ace.

Posted by: drolmorg at January 03, 2014 05:34 PM (R1voE)

262 Y'all are such suckers. Yucca Mountain, NV was just a diversion. Nuclear waste was disposed of in the vehicle of Kaboom cereal. True historical fact!

Posted by: Krebs v Carnot: Epic Battle of the Cycling Stars™ [/i] [/b] [/s] [/u] at January 03, 2014 05:46 PM (HsTG8)

263 For the record, I am a General Mills stockholder, and I am embarrassed for this cereal.

Posted by: Vashta Nerada at January 03, 2014 06:16 PM (/i3Yt)

264 This is why I'll never stop reading Ace of Spades.

Posted by: Roadrunner at January 03, 2014 06:17 PM (Y0Z+z)

265 It reads like The Fall of the House of Ushers.

Bravo!

Posted by: boned to the bone at January 04, 2014 02:00 AM (Ph479)

266 Never heard of Kaboom, but we used to eat King Vitamin. Fancy stuff. And if it ever got stale, we just popped it in the oven to dry it out again.

Posted by: shinypie at January 04, 2014 06:21 AM (3nZXa)

267

One of the new episodes of Futurama Fry says:

"Everything I loved is dead, Kaboom cereal....and my family."