Ace of Spades HQ

September 28, 2013

Wine Writers: The Gold Standard of Pomposity and Opaqueness [CBD]
— Open Blogger

It's easy to mock the vernacular of reviewers of anything. Movies, theater, cars, vacuum cleaners -- they all have silliness just waiting to emerge.

But wine reviewers are a special breed.

"The Dublere 2010 Chablis Preuses offers a surprisingly Â– not to mention stunningly Â– colorful and effusive display on nose and palate of pink grapefruit, Persian melon, lime, and pineapple. But amid this fruitiness are musky narcissus and peony as well as smoky, sweet-saline, iodine-tinged lobster shell reduction that liberate both the salivary glands and the imagination. The lees have reinforced a textural creaminess that by no means precludes tenderness, buoyancy (at exactly 13% alcohol) or consummate, sheer juicy refreshment. The finish here is truly stunning in its simultaneous expression of luscious fruit with a penetrating point of citricity and salty, chalky, peppery seemingly crystalline mineral impingements kaleidoscopically deployed. Plan to follow and give thanks for this beauty through 2025."
96 Points David Schildknecht - Robert Parker's Wine Advocate

Posted by: Open Blogger at 06:15 AM | Comments (153)
Post contains 178 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Man. Sure that didn't come from the Bulwer-Lytton awards?

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at September 28, 2013 06:17 AM (60Q+L)

2 Wine Reviewer is French for douchenozzel.

Posted by: Heywood Jablowme at September 28, 2013 06:17 AM (/pSz4)

3 Whats worse is that this vocabulary is starting to creep into beer reviews. Keep beer free of pinot finishes!

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 06:19 AM (qf2kI)

4 Sounds ok, but he skipped the important stuff. Like, how much must I drink before I'm shitfaced?

Posted by: mugiwara at September 28, 2013 06:19 AM (hpYnL)

5 Is this guy talking about wine or some kind of sick perverted porn?

Posted by: Big Ben at September 28, 2013 06:20 AM (I5Htn)

6 I'd ask what the hell a "persian melon" is, but it would dispel this pleasant image I have in mind. I think I like persian melons.

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 06:20 AM (qf2kI)

I'm going to start working 'kaleidoscopically deployed' into everyday conversation.

Posted by: Liberty Lover at September 28, 2013 06:22 AM (W0wYe)

8 Mugiwara you are supposed to know from the alcohol content. Lobster shell reduction in a wine sounds quite gag inducing to me, but I can't drink wine anyway, my stomach feels like I just got kicked by a mule if I try. Thank god for beer and spirits.

Posted by: PaleRider at September 28, 2013 06:22 AM (FYUWS)

9 Whisky reviewers are just as bad. "Smoky peatiness with a hint of treacle, almond, lavender, rosehips... etc." And that's just what the dude smells when he sniffs dime store watered down scotch.

Posted by: scootran at September 28, 2013 06:25 AM (jjjp/)

10 This wine is like the babe I went home with last night: blonde, boozey and now gone.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at September 28, 2013 06:25 AM (RXQ2T)

11 Wine Reviewer is French for douchenozzel.

It's a type of weasel.

Posted by: boulder toilet hobo at September 28, 2013 06:25 AM (d7tB2)

$2 wine from Fresh and Easy FTW.

Posted by: CAC at September 28, 2013 06:25 AM (M9u7w)

13 I get a comp subscription to Food & Wine. Have been getting it for an absurd amount of time now. The riche riche aspects of it are truly offensive, but the people being profiled all live in Caliphornia and Newh Yawk, and vote dumbocrap reliably, so no harm done, I guess...

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 06:25 AM (GJUgF)

14 By the way, NBC is reporting the leaning tower of Pisa is less dangerously leaning. Because Obama.

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 06:26 AM (qf2kI)

15 See here for Persian Melons: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7w83Mk7YK0 (may need to watch for a bit before you see melons)

Posted by: Blake at September 28, 2013 06:26 AM (QNnGv)

16 Sounds ok, but he skipped the important stuff. Like, how much must I drink before I'm shitfaced?

13.0% ABV, so basically "however much wine it normally takes". Not that I'd suggest it. Wine hangovers are the worst.

Posted by: Matt at September 28, 2013 06:26 AM (ojTp2)

17 Mmm, nutty.

Posted by: austin powers at September 28, 2013 06:27 AM (fGPLK)

18 Niles Crane on crack.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at September 28, 2013 06:27 AM (RXQ2T)

19 Wow. That's for real. And all of the reviews on that site are chock full of this pretentious nonsense. I thought it was made by one of those random generators like for the postmodernism essay generator. Hey, that's a good idea...

Posted by: Burn the Witch at September 28, 2013 06:27 AM (sFQyf)

20 One step down is modern art reviews. Write one and apply it to any modern art piece. Plus Ã§a change, plus c'est la mÃªme chose.

Posted by: NaCly Dog at September 28, 2013 06:27 AM (u82oZ)

21 That guy should review Valu Right .

Posted by: steevy at September 28, 2013 06:28 AM (9XBK2)

22 David Schildknecht is the Criss Angel of insouciant truculence.

Posted by: 3 Ewok Endor t-shirt at September 28, 2013 06:28 AM (BxDFo)

23 That wine sure liberated his imagination.

Posted by: rickl at September 28, 2013 06:28 AM (sdi6R)

24 Today, dear viewers, we've switched out the Dublere 2010 Chablis Preuses with the Night Train Express. Let's see if our reviewer notices.

Posted by: boulder toilet hobo at September 28, 2013 06:30 AM (d7tB2)

25 For a truly "stunning finish" he should review some Thunderbird.

Posted by: RustyG at September 28, 2013 06:30 AM (Nhua7)

26 Wait.

we haven't yet finished our open discussion of 'Gods of the Copy Book Heading'.

Posted by: Nightmare on Web Street at September 28, 2013 06:30 AM (LetBd)

27 Mugiwara you are supposed to know from the alcohol content. Lobster shell reduction in a wine sounds quite gag inducing to me, but I can't drink wine anyway, my stomach feels like I just got kicked by a mule if I try. Thank god for beer and spirits.
Posted by: PaleRider at September 28, 2013 10:22 AM (FYUWS)

You're right and I should have rephrased it. The real question when it comes to wine isn't 'how much must I drink to get shitfaced?', it's really, 'can I drink enough of this to get shitfaced?' Lobster shell reduction is nice to know and all, but does it add to this vintage's chugability?

Posted by: mugiwara at September 28, 2013 06:31 AM (hpYnL)

Root Boy Slim: "Speedin' two weeks on Wyamine don't mix too good with icebox wine..."

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 06:31 AM (GJUgF)

29 I'll send them some Sizzurp and see what they're review for it is like.

Posted by: HoboJerky, Hash Hunter at September 28, 2013 06:32 AM (CgVEi)

Wine is a scam.

A cold bottle of RC is all a man needs.

Posted by: garrett at September 28, 2013 06:32 AM (WSGtJ)

31 And how the hell do you get lobster shell reduction into a wine? Is this guy not differentiating between his wine and his dinner? Pardon my ignorance on the subject, but this is really borne out of a morbid curiosity rather than a genuine desire to learn.

Posted by: Burn the Witch at September 28, 2013 06:32 AM (sFQyf)

32 Ace of Spades comments are a piquant assault on the palate, cleansed by cheerleader pics. "Rascal of the blogosphere," the AoS notations are usually reductions of pith, interspersed with citrus undertones mellowed under a surprisingly generous elbow-like tapestry of bold indirectness. I found the repartee to be distinctive without the usual heavy self-importance of say, Peruvian gunfire - nay, hammer - in the night. I approve.

Posted by: Bluto at September 28, 2013 06:33 AM (bnigU)

33 Persian melon, what does that even mean?

Here's teh beer basics: butterscotch flavor in a beer is usually bad but sometimes it's good, banana and metallic flavors are bad and any burnt flavor ( sam adams burns the caramel malt during pasteurization) is usually bad unless it's a stout/dark malt ale.

Enjoy.

Posted by: 13times at September 28, 2013 06:33 AM (fGPLK)

34 the Persian Hotties video brightened up my morning.

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 06:34 AM (qf2kI)

35 Almost as bad as beer snobs.

Posted by: Adam at September 28, 2013 06:34 AM (Aif/5)

36 Persian melons are the things they aren't allowed to show in Iran, sadly.

Posted by: HoboJerky, Hash Hunter at September 28, 2013 06:34 AM (CgVEi)

37 Aside from leaving out the "crunchy figs," reviewer dude seems to have gotten it all in.

Posted by: MrScribbler at September 28, 2013 06:35 AM (kaGpp)

38 That kind of thing always reminds me of Slim Pickens' line in Blazing Saddles, delivered to Harvey Korman, about how Korman's character, Hedley LaMarr, uses his mouth "...purty'r'n a five-dollar whore!"

Such - phraseology puffery is totally undeserving of the apparent respect alleged oenophiles tend to assign it, of course.

"That guy should review Valu Right."

That, or 7-11 Stores' Big Gulp...

Posted by: J.S.Bridges at September 28, 2013 06:36 AM (IMQz8)

39 Mrs. Athens has taken me to a few wine tasting events which have been kinda fun I must admit although I can never remember the different types. Whenever I run across someone who speaks like this at these things, and for some reason I always do, I always say something like, "This will go great with a chili dog and fries!". The look on their faces is priceless. Champagne goes with anything! Try it and you will see! So does a vodka martini but I digress.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at September 28, 2013 06:36 AM (RXQ2T)

40 Speaking of sizzurp: saw a new product the other day - Darkside Skitttles "From the Other Side of the Rainbow." Trayvon approved, fo sho...

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 06:37 AM (GJUgF)

41 If Victor Hugo wrote wine reviews, they'd come in at 1200 pages and the very soil would be described, crumb by crumb. It could be worse, in other words.

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 06:38 AM (qf2kI)

42 >>I'm going to start working 'kaleidoscopically deployed' into everyday conversation. Posted by: Liberty Lover I think that is what happens when 9 clowns eat food dye and shit on each other.

Posted by: Aviator at September 28, 2013 06:38 AM (DI+ja)

43 That reminds me. Sideways - a rare movie where a hated every character more than words can express.

Posted by: Bluto at September 28, 2013 06:39 AM (bnigU)

44 It drips Gheyness. Just sayin'.... I denounce myself for being a cultural barbarian.

Posted by: backhoe at September 28, 2013 06:40 AM (ULH4o)

45 Fun fact: Singer/songwriter Al Stewart, a wine aficionado, released a wine-themed album, "Down in the Cellar". http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down_in_the_Cellar I've never heard this album, but I like a lot of his other work.

Posted by: rickl at September 28, 2013 06:40 AM (sdi6R)

46 Posted by: Aviator at September 28, 2013 10:38 AM (DI+ja)

Nine Clowns -- One Cup?

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at September 28, 2013 06:40 AM (/kU/5)

47 Has anyone seen my glass of fruit juice? I left it over there next to the wine...

Posted by: t-bird at September 28, 2013 06:41 AM (FcR7P)

48 Jeff Bezos says that in the future only the 1%'ers will be allowed newspapers. Everyone else will be rationed electrons, kaleidoscopically deployed.

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 06:41 AM (qf2kI)

49 Hillary Clinton knows about Persian melons. Yes, she does.

Posted by: Huma Abedin at September 28, 2013 06:41 AM (v6hyJ)

50 Nine Clowns -- One Cup? Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at September 28, 2013 10:40 AM (/kU/5) Personal foul, 35 yard penalty.

Posted by: Burn the Witch at September 28, 2013 06:41 AM (sFQyf)

51 The Starfighters: "I been talking to God on the Great Bartender Phone, just wish the fruit of the vine would leave my mind alone..."

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 06:42 AM (GJUgF)

52 I remember once when we had a pretentious douche here that claimed he was a Sommelier. I'm sure he religiously reads that crap.

Posted by: lowandslow at September 28, 2013 06:42 AM (APJIX)

53 Enter the phrase 'kaleidoscopically deployed' into your favorite search engine and there are already approximately 7,000 hits.

Wolfram Alpha ignores the kaleidoscopically and valiantly defines 'deploy'

Posted by: Nightmare on Web Street at September 28, 2013 06:43 AM (LetBd)

54 c'mon, whaddya 'speckt? they're drunk.

Posted by: Running Hobo at September 28, 2013 06:44 AM (l1oyw)

55 And with a finish redolent of licking horse turds.

Posted by: chuckr at September 28, 2013 06:45 AM (UGxsK)

56 The Dublere 2010 Chablis Preuses offers a surprisingly Â– not to mention stunningly Â– colorful and effusive display on nose and palate of pink grapefruit, Persian melon, lime, and pineapple. Actually, you know what we used? Grapes. Fucking grapes, you incomparable douche.

Posted by: Grandpa Dublere at September 28, 2013 06:45 AM (FcR7P)

57 39 Mrs. Athens has taken me to a few wine tasting events which have been kinda fun I must admit although I can never remember the different types. Whenever I run across someone who speaks like this at these things, and for some reason I always do, I always say something like, "This will go great with a chili dog and fries!". The look on their faces is priceless. Champagne goes with anything! Try it and you will see! So does a vodka martini but I digress. Posted by: The Man from Athens Nothing wrong with a good chilli dog & fries when you are in the mood. I loved Rolling Rock beer- until they got bought out & the flavor changed....

Posted by: backhoe at September 28, 2013 06:45 AM (ULH4o)

58 This brings to mind Elvis Costello's quote on the music press. Paraphrasing from memory: "Writing about music is like dancing to architecture."

Posted by: Michael Rittenhouse at September 28, 2013 06:45 AM (/9iSQ)

59 I bet JJ Abrams could make sense of kaleidoscopically deployed, especially if he could use Jennifer Garner (circa Alias) dressed in a red lingerie set to do it.

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 06:46 AM (qf2kI)

60 Kaleidoscopally Deployed can be used interchangeably with Integrative Complexity. It is probably not something that meshes well with the phrase, "But first you will...."

Posted by: AoS Style guide, revised at September 28, 2013 06:46 AM (v6hyJ)

61 >>Hillary Clinton knows about Persian melons. * motorboat sounds *

Posted by: Hillary at September 28, 2013 06:46 AM (DI+ja)

62 I loved Rolling Rock beer- until they got bought out & the flavor changed....

Posted by: backhoe at September 28, 2013 10:45 AM (ULH4o)

It did!

The last time I had a Rolling Rock it was gag-inducing.

What the hell did they do?

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at September 28, 2013 06:47 AM (/kU/5)

63 Surprised we've gone this far without someone snarking ace's movie reviews...

Posted by: cajun caret at September 28, 2013 06:47 AM (N2gbi)

64 Bullshit. That was actually Chris Matthews describing a load of the president's spunk, wasn't it?

Posted by: Sharkman at September 28, 2013 06:47 AM (8+xjO)

65 But amid this fruitiness are musky narcissus and peony as well as smoky, sweet-saline, iodine-tinged lobster shell reduction that liberate both the salivary glands and the imagination. Errr, yeah, about that... I may or may not have had sex with that bottle.

Posted by: The Neighbor's Ewok at September 28, 2013 06:48 AM (FcR7P)

66 Posted by: The Man from Athens at September 28, 2013 10:36 AM (RXQ2T)

The wine writers and producers want the public to buy into the idea that there is some relationship between price and quality.

That's total and complete bullshit.

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at September 28, 2013 06:49 AM (/kU/5)

67 It settles gently onto the palate with the endearing warmth of a Labrador's urine hitting your Wilton wool carpet.

Posted by: JEM at September 28, 2013 06:50 AM (VXLdn)

68 48 Jeff Bezos says that in the future only the 1%'ers will be allowed newspapers. Everyone else will be rationed electrons, kaleidoscopically deployed. Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 10:41 AM

and like no young people will be allowed news!!

Posted by: Meggie McBoobs at September 28, 2013 06:51 AM (aTXUx)

I loved Rolling Rock beer- until they got bought out the flavor changed....

Posted by: backhoe at September 28, 2013 10:45 AM (ULH4o)

It did!

The last time I had a Rolling Rock it was gag-inducing.

What the hell did they do?

I live in (former) Rolling Rock country. It's made in New Jersey now, with Chris Christie's sweat substituted for the "mountain spring water" that was actually Latrobe tap water. Even back when it was made here, a guy I knew accurately described it as "trout piss..."

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 06:52 AM (GJUgF)

70 But what about the peony? Does he mean the flower or the aromatic root? That would make all the difference, and I couldn't bear to drink the wine without knowing.

Posted by: Kevin Canuck at September 28, 2013 06:52 AM (Hlv/w)

71 And when it comes to politicians, there is usually an inverse relationship between price and quality.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at September 28, 2013 06:52 AM (60Q+L)

72 You'll find a smoky peatiness reminiscent of a good lick of Chris Matthews' smegma.

Posted by: JEM at September 28, 2013 06:52 AM (VXLdn)

73 Prune-O. Raisin Jack. The good stuff..

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 06:54 AM (GJUgF)

74 Translation: If they hadn't bribed me with $1,000 I'd be recommending this fetid concoction of rotten fruit bomb and fish monger stall pressure wash runoff never come within 10' of human lips

Posted by: Purp[/i][/b][/u][/s] at September 28, 2013 06:54 AM (9MLX+)

75 And here's the title song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3T1ILmhLmc Lyrics: http://lyrics.wikia.com/Al_Stewart

own_In_The_Cellars Very nice. Note that his voice still sounds exactly like it did on his monster 1970s hit "Year of the Cat". I saw him live a few years ago and I can attest to that.

Posted by: rickl at September 28, 2013 06:55 AM (sdi6R)

76 Time for another mug of delightful hot beverage made from ground beans guaranteed not to have passed through the digestive tract of an asiatic weasel.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at September 28, 2013 06:55 AM (60Q+L)

77 That wine review reads like NY Times style writers who have to show off their mad vocabulary skillz even if they're writing about their bowel movements

Which aren't much different from the wine review above

Posted by: kbdabear at September 28, 2013 06:55 AM (aTXUx)

78 I'm reminded of an episode of the television series The Odd Couple, in which Oscar mocks Felix's tastes by urging guests to "roll it around on your tongue until it tastes like furniture polish".

Posted by: Iowa Jim at September 28, 2013 06:55 AM (f416i)

79 Replace the smiley (grinney) with a colon followed by a capital D.

Posted by: rickl at September 28, 2013 06:56 AM (sdi6R)

80 This post betrays a penetrating point of citricity and salty, chalky, peppery seemingly crystalline mineral impingements kaleidoscopically deployed. So did my coffee this morning. Or maybe I forgot to use a filter.

Posted by: mindful webworker - blog reviewer at September 28, 2013 06:57 AM (3gtAk)

81 Here's kaleidoscopically deployed for you. Thank you JJ Abrams: http://bit.ly/19Nehls

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 06:58 AM (qf2kI)

82 I saw Chablis Preuses open for Steely Dan at the Hollywood Bowl back in '87. They sucked.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at September 28, 2013 06:58 AM (MBqvE)

83 It could be worse. It could have been as a post-modernist piece. Egad! What would that even look like?

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at September 28, 2013 06:59 AM (DmNpO)

84 Johnny Cash Live at Folsom Prison: "That glass of water tasted like something that drained off of Luther's boot..."

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 06:59 AM (GJUgF)

85 Son, we live in a world that has wine, and that wine has to be reviewed by men with big vocabularies. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Charliebrownsdildo? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the effiminancy, and you curse the French, who started this nonsense. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That while reviewing win, while annoying, probably sells magazines. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, sells magazine. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me in that magazine, you need me in that magazine. We use words like kaleidascopally deployed, fruity aftertaste, subtle clues. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent promoting wine. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the hangovers from drinking the very wine that I provide reviews to, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a wine bottle, and start writing. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think about my wine reviews. (flounces off in a snit, looking for a slap fight)

Posted by: David Schildknecht, wine wise guy! at September 28, 2013 06:59 AM (v6hyJ)

86 been "written" as

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at September 28, 2013 06:59 AM (DmNpO)

87 A nose redolent of dandelions, fresh pears, and "Hi my name is Janie and I'll be your server tonight"s urine.

Posted by: JEM at September 28, 2013 06:59 AM (z5U4s)

88 Posted by: Purp at September 28, 2013 10:54 AM (9MLX+)

I'm shocked...SHOCKED....that there is gambling going on in this establishment!

Posted by: Captain Reynaud at September 28, 2013 07:00 AM (/kU/5)

89 Wine should not be chunky, it ain't like peanut butter. Just saying...

Posted by: Purp[/i][/b][/u][/s] at September 28, 2013 07:00 AM (9MLX+)

90 All wine is crap. Nothing but a scam. It all tastes terrible. Admit it, you only drink it to impress the blond who has taste buds that lie as much as yours do.

Posted by: Trainer's looking for a Militia at September 28, 2013 07:00 AM (LfjBa)

91 Wine is for people who are too lazy to run a still...

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 07:01 AM (GJUgF)

92 Thanks for that inspiring speech, Mr. Schildnecht. Now, did you order the Code Red?

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 07:01 AM (qf2kI)

93 In case you haven't had enough yet.... the House is on Cspan-1 now.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at September 28, 2013 07:01 AM (DmNpO)

94 ...never come within 10' of human lips Posted by: Purp at September 28, 2013 10:54 AM ____ Thanks

for abetting my translator microbes!

Posted by: mindful webworker - whine snaub at September 28, 2013 07:02 AM (3gtAk)

95 Almost 100 comments and no Frasier jokes yet?

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at September 28, 2013 07:02 AM (DmNpO)

96 The Dublere 2010 Chablis Preuses offers a surprisingly Â– not to mention stunningly Â– colorful and effusive display on nose and palate of pink grapefruit, Persian melon, lime, and pineapple.

Sounds like someone whipped up some homemade sangria in a blender and put it in the Dublere bottle to see if this assclown would know the difference

Posted by: kbdabear at September 28, 2013 07:03 AM (aTXUx)

97 Wine, Beer, Chili Dogs, Art, Modern Art, Literature. Vodka punditry, and

music

http://preview.tinyurl.com/klsmfgu
There are plenty of artists who can copy GayeÂ’s phrasing, but none IÂ’ve found has captured his ability to tell a story, to perform a song. Robin Thicke, who I didnÂ’t even know was a person until a couple weeks ago, has a monster hit with Â“Blurred Lines,Â” which is little more than a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of GayeÂ’s Â“Got To Give It Up.Â” The video is completely NSFW and totally worth watching with the sound off, because of the topless dancing brunette. I coined the word Â“acheworthyÂ” just for her.

Posted by: Nightmare on Web Street at September 28, 2013 07:03 AM (LetBd)

98 93 In case you haven't had enough yet.... the House is on Cspan-1 now. Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at September 28, 2013 11:01 AM

Cuddy too?

Posted by: kbdabear at September 28, 2013 07:03 AM (aTXUx)

99 Ugh! The Code Red. No, the people at the other table ordered the Code Red. It's a barbaric fermented bottle of swill, with the subtlety of diesel truck that constantly backfires. I did not order the Code Red!!

Posted by: David Schildknecht, wine wise guy! at September 28, 2013 07:04 AM (v6hyJ)

100 Fraiser Joke: him telling Lilith "Why don't you look in that portable pharmacy you calla purse?"

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 07:05 AM (GJUgF)

101 Maybe im uncouth, uncultured, whatever, but i swear i was reading the beginnings of a penthouse letter and the dude was describing post-bj results.

Posted by: fastfreefall at September 28, 2013 07:06 AM (Tz35j)

102 It has a nose simultaneously reminiscent of a cheap Marseille whorehouse, and an abattoir.

Posted by: Purp[/i][/b][/u][/s] at September 28, 2013 07:06 AM (9MLX+)

103 It occurs to me that its been quite some time since The Horde went on razzia, destroying random comments sections at will. The thought of a wine magazine's comments section being defiled by a bunch of drunken, sarcastic degenerates makes me giggle.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at September 28, 2013 07:06 AM (MBqvE)

104 52 I remember once when we had a pretentious douche here that claimed he was a Sommelier. I'm sure he religiously reads that crap. Posted by: lowandslow at September 28, 2013 10:42 AM

247 Holy shit, some of the smug and ridiculous comments here are mind blowing. I work as a Sommelier, take my job seriously and do my best to be professional at all times. Some of you people are the reason why those of us in the Service industry become so jaded. You treat us like second hand citizens and have unwordly expectations. To you I say fuck you and you're snobby ilk.

Posted by: LiveFreeOrDie at January 06, 2013 07:20 PM (0V8v0)

Posted by: kbdabear at September 28, 2013 07:07 AM (aTXUx)

105 Obligatory: Australian Table Wines http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cozw088w44Q

Posted by: rickl at September 28, 2013 07:07 AM (sdi6R)

106 The thought of a wine magazine's comments section being defiled by a bunch of drunken, sarcastic degenerates makes me giggle. Posted by: IllTemperedCur You big brute! Don't you DARE!

Posted by: David Schildknecht, wine wise guy! at September 28, 2013 07:08 AM (v6hyJ)

107 Well, somebody ordered the Code Red! And that somebody will have to pay for it.

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 07:09 AM (qf2kI)

108 100 Fraiser Joke: him telling Lilith "Why don't you look in that portable pharmacy you calla purse?" Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 11:05 AM

Favorite Niles line; "Her lips said no, but her eyes said .. read my lips"

Posted by: kbdabear at September 28, 2013 07:09 AM (aTXUx)

109 Electronic flash mob...

Posted by: Purp[/i][/b][/u][/s] at September 28, 2013 07:09 AM (9MLX+)

110

To you I say fuck you and you're snobby ilk.

Yeah, I get that. Spit in the bottle often? No, really, there are people who deserve it...

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 07:10 AM (GJUgF)

111 107 Well, somebody ordered the Code Red! And that somebody will have to pay for it. Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 11:09 AM

You're goddamn right I did !!!!

Posted by: Col Nathan Jessup at September 28, 2013 07:10 AM (aTXUx)

112 I had a roasted cracked pepper sunflower seed that tasted just like this yesterday. A seven course dinner of delight.

Of course, the very next one I cracked into had a worm in it and tasted like owl shit.

Posted by: Fritz at September 28, 2013 07:11 AM (x2W/k)

113 @99 b Mr Schildknecht, you exhibit the technical literacy of the common climate scientist, even a dangling-knuckles public high school graduate knows a compression-ignition engine of the Diesel.cycle cannot backfire.

Posted by: JEM at September 28, 2013 07:11 AM (yZxXI)

114 Always be courteous to restaurant staff, or they might spike your drinks with Visine or rub your food on their junk.

Posted by: Purp[/i][/b][/u][/s] at September 28, 2013 07:12 AM (9MLX+)

115 To the Texas Rangers I can only say "Schildknecht!". May you begin your winter vacation today.

Posted by: MTF at September 28, 2013 07:13 AM (qf2kI)

116 Frank Booth in Blue Velvet: "Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!!!"

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 07:15 AM (GJUgF)

117 114 Always be courteous to restaurant staff, or they might spike your drinks with Visine or rub your food on their junk.
Posted by: Purp at September 28, 2013 11:12 AM

Which is why I'm actually looking forward to automated fast food restaurants, after experiences after a Glendale CA Carl's Jr and a Bradenton FL Burger King

Posted by: Col Nathan Jessup at September 28, 2013 07:20 AM (aTXUx)

118 I think it's douchey nonsense like this that turned me off wine. Plus I think I'm the only person in the world that gets violently sick from white wine (except Veuve Cliquot champagne, which goes down just fine). On a mildly related note, I had one or three of those Redd' s Apple ales last night and it went pretty well with smoked bacon, plum tomato and caramelized onion pizza.

Posted by: Gem at September 28, 2013 07:20 AM (zw+pb)

119 A place where no one fucks with your food. They have that. It's called "your kitchen" or "your patio."

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 07:23 AM (GJUgF)

120 The finish here is truly stunning in its simultaneous expression of luscious fruit with a penetrating point of citricity and salty, chalky, peppery seemingly crystalline mineral impingements kaleidoscopically deployed.

Uh, Mr Schildknecht, that was the kids' Hi-C.

Posted by: kbdabear at September 28, 2013 07:25 AM (aTXUx)

121 114 Always be courteous to restaurant staff, or they might spike your drinks with Visine or rub your food on their junk. Posted by: Purp at September 28, 2013 11:12 AM (9MLX+) People who are rude and arrogant towards food service workers aren't thinking things through. Sure, there might be the occasional worker who will do such things just for shits & giggles, but I'm sure they're in the minority. The odds of such treatment go up exponentially if the customer behaves like a jackass. Food service workers are people too, and if they have a nice customer (especially a regular), they will in turn be nice to that customer.

Posted by: rickl at September 28, 2013 07:25 AM (sdi6R)

122

The finish here is truly stunning in its simultaneous expression of luscious fruit with a penetrating point of citricity and salty, chalky, peppery seemingly crystalline mineral impingements kaleidoscopically deployed.

Uh, Mr Schildknecht, that was the kids' Hi-C.

Also, what you can get from licking a 9-volt battery to see if it's still good...

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 07:26 AM (GJUgF)

123 .... All this for only 70 bucks!

Posted by: Mindy at September 28, 2013 07:27 AM (kYWp9)

124 ...seemingly crystalline mineral impingements kaleidoscopically deployed. Or somebody spiked his wine with LSD.

Posted by: rickl at September 28, 2013 07:28 AM (sdi6R)

125 If you want to read douchiness to the ninth power, try reading the NY Times reviews of hipster eateries in Brooklyn

http://tinyurl.com/lb25p5j

Posted by: kbdabear at September 28, 2013 07:30 AM (aTXUx)

126 A hit of acid is still only 4 or 5 bucks...

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 07:31 AM (GJUgF)

127 Reviews by NY Times restaurant critics of hipster restaurants in Brooklyn are where douchey elitism reaches critical mass

Do not read if you're planning to actually go eat soon

Posted by: kbdabear at September 28, 2013 07:33 AM (aTXUx)

128

If you want to read douchiness to the ninth power, try reading the NY Times reviews of hipster eateries in Brooklyn.

Sorry, there are only so many ways to describe quinoa boiled in mare's piss, and the only description that matters to me is "I've never had it. I never will..."

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 07:35 AM (GJUgF)

129 I remember when wine reviewers were being mocked in Not Necessarily the News. A skit has a cocktail party, and people were sipping the wine and declaring it things like "exuberant, yet didactic." Finally, one woman tastes it and says, "tastes like cat piss run through a dirty sock," and everyone spits and gags.

Posted by: logprof at September 28, 2013 07:39 AM (fOFYL)

130 Sort of on topic, a local liquor store near me is having an anniversary party later today. Free food, beer, wine and live music. I do think I'll make it over there...

Posted by: HH at September 28, 2013 07:40 AM (XXwdv)

131 Two words: Wild Turkey...

Posted by: M. Murcek at September 28, 2013 07:41 AM (GJUgF)

132 95 Almost 100 comments and no Frasier jokes yet? Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at September 28, 2013 11:02 AM (DmNpO) ######### I got in Niles at #18! ------- Favorite Fraiser line (May have been from Cheers): She took my heart, put it in the blender and hit the purÃ©e button.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at September 28, 2013 07:42 AM (RXQ2T)

133 130 Sort of on topic, a local liquor store near me is having an anniversary party later today. Free food, beer, wine and live music. I do think I'll make it over there... Posted by: HH at September 28, 2013 11:40 AM (XXwdv) ###### Where do you live!!!!

Posted by: The Man from Athens at September 28, 2013 07:43 AM (RXQ2T)

134 Posted by: The Man from Athens at September 28, 2013 11:43 AM (RXQ2T)

Oh, I'm in the KC area.

Posted by: HH at September 28, 2013 07:47 AM (XXwdv)

135 I pity the clerk at the wine store as customer as for wines with more iodine-tinged lobster shell reduction flavor.

Posted by: Comrade Arthur at September 28, 2013 07:48 AM (83xuc)

136 Sometimes my farts smell like Rice Chex.

Posted by: Dang at September 28, 2013 07:51 AM (Hx2XA)

137 I really need to learn how to do this.

Posted by: HeatherRadish™ at September 28, 2013 07:53 AM (hO8IJ)

138 >>>Sometimes my farts smell like Rice Chex.<<<

Those Rice Chex and Wheat Chex were okay, but those Corn Chex were like Kaboom for moonshiners.

Posted by: Fritz at September 28, 2013 07:54 AM (x2W/k)

139 Creamy and citrus? Ew. Of course I don't like Chablis. And the lobster shell thing? Have you ever taken oyster shell calcium and gotten post pill burps? That's what that's conveying. There's a reason I don't read Robert Parker. My friend who is a sommelier working in a wine shop writes his own reviews, usually about 2 glasses in. His are the only ones I trust.

Posted by: Ragamuffin at September 28, 2013 07:55 AM (fzFF6)

140 Al Stewart again: The Night that the Band Got the Wine http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFcjUp_83Po

Posted by: rickl at September 28, 2013 08:04 AM (sdi6R)

141 The Earth is warming with a predictably cloying, phantasmically accelerating, cumulo-nimbus strato-reduction. Not cyclical so much as hockey-sticklical, I give mankind 0 out of 5 stars.

Posted by: Climate Reviewer at September 28, 2013 08:18 AM (4/o9U)

142 My in-laws are big wine drinkers, though they buy it at Costco. This summer my m-i-l took our daughter on a Costco run and bought wine and my daughter proudly told the clerk that "I don't know anyone who drinks as much wine as grandma and grandpa!"

Posted by: Penfold at September 28, 2013 08:36 AM (wT+sh)

143 Little Jo's five-star rating system for white wines: 1 - Donkey piss 2 - Mule piss 3 - Horse piss 4 - Human piss 5 - Human piss in a clean glass

Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at September 28, 2013 08:46 AM (a5ljo)

144 I bet it's really relabeled Gallo Twister.

Posted by: Francis W. Porretto at September 28, 2013 08:59 AM (d2g9U)

145 First they came for the wine reviewers..

Posted by: eman at September 28, 2013 09:03 AM (AO9UG)

146 http://www.its-pub-night.com/2009/03/beer-review-generator.html

Posted by: grognerd at September 28, 2013 09:54 AM (BhUii)

147 John 2:10!

Posted by: Wine Tasting End Zone Guy at September 28, 2013 10:04 AM (0ZEHk)

148 I do have a tiny bit of sympathy for the wine reviewer. You're trying to say something more profound than just "I liked it" or "It tastes good" but how to pad that out to a whole column? Answer: pile on the adjectives until you hit the length target.

Posted by: Trimegistus at September 28, 2013 10:05 AM (0ZEHk)

149 Translation: "this shit will fuck yo ass up!"

Posted by: Tortillapete at September 28, 2013 12:55 PM (Oc+W+)

150 Pomposity and Opacity

Posted by: JackT at September 28, 2013 05:18 PM (PrrRo)

151 Yeah, well that sounds really great. Now bar keep , gimme a rum coke with no ice. Thanks.

Posted by: fran at September 28, 2013 06:10 PM (HzALE)

152 Nah bros (including lady bros), that's a good, detailed, high-end wine review.

Schildknecht's a smart guy and that review systematically tells me a ton about the wine, from attack to midpalate to finish. I can now imagine drinking it. I think it would be amazing.

I admit a handful of the descriptors (like 5% max) do verge into dick-move territory (peony & lobster shell reduction leapt out at me), but most of the rest is vivid and descriptive if you know wine and you know how to read these things.

Most fields of interest get technical when you get to the real nerd enthusiast level. As a non-deer hunter, non-fisherman I read Field & Stream articles and half the time I have no F-ing idea what they're talking about. That's ok. The enthusiasts do. Same deal here.

Posted by: P.M. at September 28, 2013 06:28 PM (MCVbD)

153 That's gotta be a sendup. That reviewer hit every taste known to man. If it's real, then that is a wine to avoid at all costs.

Posted by: RebeccaH at September 29, 2013 06:45 AM (Xt3nO)

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