Ace of Spades HQ

January 19, 2014

Who's Up For Another "People Write Goofy Reviews on Amazon" Thing?
— Ace

Sugarless treats are usually made with maltitol or other sugar alcohols, which are carbohydrate that the human body cannot digest and turn into energy.

Bacteria living in the lower intestinal tract can digest them, though. And that's a problem.

Because bacteria in the GI tract have barely ever seen an undigested carbohydrate before. And when suddenly there's a flood of all this wonderful sugar alcohol to metabolize, well, they have An Party.

And that party consists of constant, awful painful flatulence as well the medical syndrome called LCSS (Literally Can't Stop Shitting).

People began reviewing Haribo's Sugarless Gummy Bears noting their LCSS problems, and Buzzfeed collected them up.

From a review titled: Â“Fully weaponized Gummy BearsÂ”
Â“The cramping started about an hour later, and soon enough I was as bloated as a balloon in MacyÂ’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. When the rumbling started I sprinted down the hallway and made it to the bathroom just in time for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to stampede from my backside, laying waste to my homeÂ’s septic system AND my will to live. After three hours of a pelvis-shaking Gummy Bear assault, I was spongy and weak, surprised that I had any bones left. I cursed Haribo with the little strength I could muster.Â”

From the Amazon reviews:

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

These reviews are exaggerated... I think. Whether exaggerated or not, the basic problem of LCSS due to maltitol is real enough.

Posted by: Ace at 10:06 AM | Comments (166)
Post contains 295 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Projectile diarrhea can kill.

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at January 19, 2014 10:09 AM (8ZskC)

2 your link goes to jawa

Posted by: navycopjoe why god why? at January 19, 2014 10:09 AM (At8tV)

3 Nothing can beat the reviews for the banana slicer, or the drivers steering wheel desk.
Ever.

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at January 19, 2014 10:10 AM (kFCo1)

4 Sounds like sugar and self-control are a better choice, but don't make for such an entertaining review.

Posted by: Retread at January 19, 2014 10:11 AM (cHwk5)

5 thanks, navycopjoe. Glad it wasn't one of my embarrassing still-in-the-clipboard links.

Posted by: ace at January 19, 2014 10:11 AM (/FnUH)

6 5 its all good bossman

Posted by: navycopjoe why god why? at January 19, 2014 10:11 AM (At8tV)

7 I look forward to the day when the non sugar sugar content of gummy bears is problem #367,596 for Republic comrades...

Prezidient Michelle Obama say "what you want candy for creepy ass cracka?"

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:11 AM (TE35l)

8 >>Nothing can beat the reviews for the banana slicer, or the drivers steering wheel desk. These gummy bear reviews rank right up there though.

Posted by: Aviator at January 19, 2014 10:12 AM (DI+ja)

9 >>>Sounds like sugar and self-control are a better choice, but don't make for such an entertaining review. yes there is absolutely no variation in people's bodies whatsoever, so any differences in how they process carbohydrates is simply a matter of Moral Purpose and Self-Mastery.

Posted by: ace at January 19, 2014 10:12 AM (/FnUH)

10 Nothing can beat the reviews for the banana slicer, or the drivers steering wheel desk.
Ever.

We disagree.

Posted by: Careless users of Veet at January 19, 2014 10:12 AM (6TB1Z)

11 If I buy now, will they stay fresh until Halloween?

Posted by: Cicero (@cicero) at January 19, 2014 10:12 AM (8ZskC)

12 LCSS is real, and it sucks no matter how you get it....

the reviewer should thank their lucky stars they were not also vomiting in a bucket while they shat their liver out.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:13 AM (TE35l)

13 Remember when folks got so excited to crap their pants eating that fat substitute they were using in potato chips? I mean, the warnings WERE RIGHT THERE but people ate them anyway.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 10:13 AM (DmNpO)

14 >>>Nothing can beat the reviews for the banana slicer, or the drivers steering wheel desk. Ever. how quickly we all forget

Posted by: Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt at January 19, 2014 10:13 AM (/FnUH)

15 I came looking for elbows and got a poop thread, I feel emptied

Posted by: itchytriggerfinger at January 19, 2014 10:14 AM (XwN3V)

16 OT ummm, I have a cat on each side of the laptop staring at me i'm not sure if they're hungry or ready to kill me brb, i'm going to get a gun

Posted by: navycopjoe why god why? at January 19, 2014 10:14 AM (At8tV)

17 Remember when folks got so excited to crap their pants eating that fat substitute they were using in potato chips?

Anal leakage, the not-so-silent threat.

Posted by: pep at January 19, 2014 10:14 AM (6TB1Z)

18 Been a while since Ace did a Poop Thread.

Posted by: garrett at January 19, 2014 10:15 AM (vlAbR)

19 Gift ideas for ex wife.

Check.

Posted by: tangonine at January 19, 2014 10:16 AM (x3YFz)

20 I love this stuff.

Posted by: Martin Bashir at January 19, 2014 10:16 AM (8ZskC)

21 9 ace at January 19, 2014 02:12 PM (/FnUH)

Indeed, what I find comforting though is that our overlords have it all figured out.

If sugar leads to being a hoss of course the answer must be "eat less candy OR jam inedible carbs down your throat"...

I mean a cynic would say "hey Nanny Bloomby you sure there aren't other things to cipher out other than consumption habits?" but they would be missing out on Mike's universe shaking wisdom...

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:16 AM (TE35l)

22 The key to good Maltitol is to seer it in Olestra!

Posted by: garrett at January 19, 2014 10:17 AM (vlAbR)

23 Just in case anyone didn't see it.

@10 http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

Posted by: pep at January 19, 2014 10:17 AM (6TB1Z)

24 Anal leakage, the not-so-silent threat. *** To this day it cracks me up. People knowingly, willingly ate a product that warned of anal leakage.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 10:17 AM (DmNpO)

25 sear not seer

Posted by: garrett at January 19, 2014 10:18 AM (vlAbR)

26 The key to good Maltitol is to seer it in Olestra! *** Isn't that akin to crossing streams? Nothing good can come from that.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 10:18 AM (DmNpO)

27 Sugarless gummy bears? That's a cheat and there's no such thing a something for nothing.

You have to know when these things are coming for you, - like pickled jalapenos.

Posted by: Fritz at January 19, 2014 10:19 AM (TKFmG)

28 To this day it cracks me up. People knowingly, willingly ate a product that warned of anal leakage.

Someone could make a ton of money selling maltitol and Olestra for pre-colonoscopy cleanouts.

Posted by: pep at January 19, 2014 10:19 AM (6TB1Z)

29 26 Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 02:18 PM (DmNpO)

~~no shit~~ and in today's weather....

//Al Roker

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:19 AM (TE35l)

30 This is disturbing on multiple levels. Least of which is why Ace is here on the weekend.

Posted by: rickl at January 19, 2014 10:19 AM (sdi6R)

31 Is Ace gonna post the cheerleader pics?

Posted by: nannyhag at January 19, 2014 10:21 AM (39IHH)

32 30 rickl at January 19, 2014 02:19 PM (sdi6R)

spears sharpened, hobo skins tanned, rested and fit ready to tackle the next AT-ST or work related drama

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:21 AM (TE35l)

33 Least of which is why Ace is here on the weekend.

My guess? "Just how disgusting a topic can I post and these guys will still respond to it like ritalin-addled squirrels?"

Apparently this isn't disgusting enough. Try again, Ace.

Posted by: pep at January 19, 2014 10:21 AM (6TB1Z)

34 A little Beano will clear that right up.

Posted by: Roy at January 19, 2014 10:21 AM (tiOTz)

35 Someone could make a ton of money selling maltitol and Olestra for pre-colonoscopy cleanouts. I once read a post on a Cycling Forum about a Brits experience with the 'clean-out' procedure. Laughed so hard I cried. One of the funniest things I have ever read.

Posted by: garrett at January 19, 2014 10:22 AM (vlAbR)

36 I suffered from LCSS last night. Have no idea what I ate that did me in but it was a sad few hours. Luckily I had a good book to keep me company.

Posted by: Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 19, 2014 10:22 AM (RZ8pf)

37 Aaah, sugar alcohols. Also known as Atkins' Revenge.

Posted by: Jenny Hates Her Phone at January 19, 2014 10:22 AM (GmTxn)

38 Thar she blows!!!

Posted by: The Man from Athens at January 19, 2014 10:23 AM (RXQ2T)

39 35 garrett at January 19, 2014 02:22 PM (vlAbR)

I had a step brother I think three of my father's ex-wives ago or is it two?

He was a state champion in his weight wrestler....

that boy did as much mayhem to his GI tract as I was taught to do to tanks.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:23 AM (TE35l)

40 Had a similar experience with Murrays sugar fee chocolate sandwich cookies (oreo knockoffs). One or two and you're fine. Three or more and you should plan on staying home for a few hours or so.

Posted by: true facts at January 19, 2014 10:23 AM (mtR8v)

41 I suffered from LCSS last night. Posted by: Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 19, 2014 02:22 PM (RZ8pf) How you doin'?

Posted by: Zombie GG Allin at January 19, 2014 10:23 AM (vlAbR)

42 36 Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 19, 2014 02:22 PM (RZ8pf)

PGiS you either have the self-control and focus of a Tibetian monk, or the constitution of Rasputin.

Nicely done.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:24 AM (TE35l)

43 A few years back I had the pleasure of no sugar added cough drops when I was sick for a week, they used the same stuff for the sweetener as these gummy bears. Those reviews are not exaggerating at all if you take it in large quantities. I went three days having cough drops going 24/7 and when it hit it was soul shaking pain.

Posted by: allenlou at January 19, 2014 10:25 AM (ENxn8)

44 Egads you know you've quit playing your MMOs when the downloads are 3.75 gigs...

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:25 AM (TE35l)

45 36 I suffered from LCSS last night. Have no idea what I ate that did me in but it was a sad few hours. Luckily I had a good book to keep me company. Posted by: Paranoidgirlinseattle at January 19, 2014 02:22 PM ########## Ivar's? I really gotta watch it when it comes to their tartar sauce.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at January 19, 2014 10:26 AM (RXQ2T)

46 Dave in Texas has the Cavalcade of Elbows posts in draft. I assume he's waiting for the actual start of the broadcast (which itself will be 25 minutes before kickoff).

Posted by: ace at January 19, 2014 10:27 AM (/FnUH)

47 About twenty minutes until a couple fat steaks hit the grill and the football day truly gets underway. Counting the seconds until deliciousness...

Posted by: Lincolntf at January 19, 2014 10:27 AM (ZshNr)

48 46 ace at January 19, 2014 02:27 PM (/FnUH)

Go Donkos....

which hurts my fingers to type but they'd fall off if I backed the Patsies..

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:28 AM (TE35l)

49 plenty of time to talk about elbows... right now we need to talk about poopies and farties.

Posted by: ace at January 19, 2014 10:28 AM (/FnUH)

50 Fucking Marchand I hate that little douche.

Posted by: garrett at January 19, 2014 10:28 AM (vlAbR)

51 plenty of time to talk about elbows... right now we need to talk about poopies and farties. *** You could at least include a review for adult diapers along with this post.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 10:29 AM (DmNpO)

52 I should buy these and feed them to the girl see if I can cause her yoga pants to explode

Posted by: navycopjoe why god why? at January 19, 2014 10:30 AM (At8tV)

53 51 Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 02:29 PM (DmNpO)

Get what you want out of life with depends...

Ms 10077 just ran off screaming..

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:30 AM (TE35l)

54 Is it wrong to fart in front of your wife after you have been married a long time?

Posted by: nannyhag at January 19, 2014 10:30 AM (39IHH)

55 49: Well in that vain I just increased the land mass of the continental United States this morning. . . . Pork chops last night.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at January 19, 2014 10:31 AM (RXQ2T)

56 I foresee a mad supermarket scramble as the elderly trade in their prune juice for sugarless gummi bears.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 10:31 AM (P6QsQ)

57 plenty of time to talk about elbows... right now we need to talk about poopies and farties. --------- It is our duty. Or doody. Something.

Posted by: Jenny Hates Her Phone at January 19, 2014 10:31 AM (GmTxn)

58 My kids were passing these reviews around earlier this week. It's like an exercise in creative writing.

Posted by: katya the designated driver at January 19, 2014 10:31 AM (4Chvm)

59 Get what you want out of life with depends... Ms 10077 just ran off screaming.. **** Let me guess. She's thinks we're all a bunch of morons.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 10:31 AM (DmNpO)

60 I once read a post on a Cycling Forum about a Brits experience with the 'clean-out' procedure. Laughed so hard I cried. One of the funniest things I have ever read. Posted by: garrett at January 19, 2014 02:22 PM (vlAbR) Dave Barry's account is pretty funny too. http://tinyurl.com/yc8emc8

Posted by: Vendette at January 19, 2014 10:31 AM (Lirg1)

61 Critical moment early in my marriage involved getting "lite" instead of "light color" Carmel's for my wife. She nearly killed me after LCSS nearly killed her. She forgave me and I vowed to never again be in charge of her snacks.

Posted by: Far Post at January 19, 2014 10:31 AM (HHTXF)

62 54 Yes. Always.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 10:32 AM (P6QsQ)

63 54 Is it wrong to fart in front of your wife after you have been married a long time? only in bed if you can pin her under the covers the asskicking is worth it

Posted by: navycopjoe why god why? at January 19, 2014 10:32 AM (At8tV)

64 58 katya the designated driver at January 19, 2014 02:31 PM (4Chvm)

They do reflect a tapestry of illuminations and language comprehension that messenger nation cannot usually confer.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:32 AM (TE35l)

65 From the hair removal review at Amazon. >>The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony That has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read.

Posted by: JackStraw at January 19, 2014 10:33 AM (g1DWB)

66 I still don't see no elbows. Come to think of it the only mention of guns was NCJ, anyone heard from him in the last few or did the kittehs feast? No elbows, no guns and on a football Sunday no less. I'm heading out to clear off the pine needles from my garden plot.

Posted by: Gmac-Pondering the coming implosion, and hoping its 404care at January 19, 2014 10:33 AM (baiNQ)

67 Another great Amazon review...of Kleenex....'A mother's struggle' http://tinyurl.com/q3ry5nv

Posted by: [/i][/b][/u][/s] Tami at January 19, 2014 10:33 AM (bCEmE)

68 It's not just candy. One semester in college, the dorm I lived in would occassionally serve this delicious spaghetti with meat sauce that was, uh, relevant to this discussion (at least to me, I have no idea if it affected others similarly). It was arguably worth it, when I was able to plan ahead.

Posted by: Sam Hill at January 19, 2014 10:33 AM (mTORe)

69 54 Is it wrong to fart in front of your wife after you have been married a long time? Posted by: nannyhag at January 19, 2014 02:30 PM (39IHH) ##### Only if she won't beat the crap outta you afterward.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at January 19, 2014 10:33 AM (RXQ2T)

70 Is it wrong to fart in front of your wife after you have been married a long time? The key o a healthy relationship is to aske her for a lighter and light one on your first date.

Posted by: garrett at January 19, 2014 10:34 AM (vlAbR)

71 59 Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 02:31 PM (DmNpO)

Nah she revels in our moronosity she just is finally accepting she's 40 so I think her life fast-forwarded in her mind's eye....

Same thing happened to me when I was 15 and realized one day my prostate would betray me.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:34 AM (TE35l)

72 What is the deal with guys and their farts anyway? It's like they're in a perpetual contest or something.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 10:35 AM (P6QsQ)

73 A Mother's Struggle 5.0 out of 5 stars A mother's struggle, December 8, 2013 This review is from: Kleenex Facial Tissue, White (Pack of 36) (Health and Beauty) I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I've put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank. This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don't want it to get there, unless you're ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Fabreeze. This used to be a good Christian home. But it's not about moral judgment anymore. I'm way beyond that. I'm in survival mode. If I don't supply absorbent paper products, I'm going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical. The funny part is, they think they're being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for "privacy", as if I'm going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I'm not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I'm just trying to get through this. The other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries, and he asks me, all sweetness and light, "Honey, what're you doing with all that Kleenex?" I about knocked him off his chair.

Posted by: Judge Pug at January 19, 2014 10:35 AM (E4MKN)

74 73 Judge Pug at January 19, 2014 02:35 PM (E4MKN)

A woman on her moral event horizon...God bless her western civ is in good hands....

maintain the fight ma'am, and buy Vick's impregnated kleenex it'll cut back on the "journaling"

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:37 AM (TE35l)

75 Ace joins the pantheon of great flatulosphers from down through the ages- Anustotle Stinkrates George Whooshington Abraham Stinkin'

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 19, 2014 10:37 AM (g4TxM)

76 72 What is the deal with guys and their farts anyway? It's like they're in a perpetual contest or something. Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 02:35 PM (P6QsQ) $$$$$$$$$$ It is genetic.....we cannot help it.

Posted by: The Man from Athens at January 19, 2014 10:37 AM (RXQ2T)

77 I do love these crazy reviews. It makes me think of a recipe for ice cubes I found online and the hilarity in the comments. Can't for the life of me remember which site I read it on

Posted by: Jenny Hates Her Phone at January 19, 2014 10:37 AM (GmTxn)

78 >>>plenty of time to talk about elbows... right now we need to talk about poopies and farties. <<<

Football, adult beverages, and party foods make for some interesting combinations. Avoid bourbon and too many raw onions if you know what's good for you.

Posted by: Fritz at January 19, 2014 10:38 AM (TKFmG)

79 My late mother loved candy but she was a diabetic. Years ago while down at Myrtle Beach Iran across a little shop that specialized in sugarless candy. I loaded up on it and mailed it to her. Periodically I would call the shop have have them mail her a replenishment supply. She finally told me she could only eat one of them a day or she got the severe runs. So I suspect that it was the same stuff.

Posted by: Vic[/i] at January 19, 2014 10:38 AM (T2V/1)

80 ENJOY! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Su5AnFlEt9g

Posted by: DESCENDENTS at January 19, 2014 10:40 AM (vlAbR)

81 I like to eat these and do shots of Olestra. Fun times, fun times.

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at January 19, 2014 10:40 AM (oFCZn)

82 There's a internet trannie scandal blue on blue fight going on: http://goo.gl/g3rT4d

Posted by: Judge Pug at January 19, 2014 10:40 AM (E4MKN)

83 We should all chip in and buy Barky and the Mooch a few dozen bags of those sugarless gummy Bears.

Posted by: Killerdog at January 19, 2014 10:40 AM (Oi60j)

84 Plus, we need a way to determine magnetic north when we are in the woods and our GPS fails.

Posted by: Seamus Muldoon at January 19, 2014 10:40 AM (g4TxM)

85 >>>Ace joins the pantheon of great flatulosphers from down through the ages- <<<

Turdy Roosevelt (and the Roughage Riders)

Posted by: can't believe I'm adding onto that list at January 19, 2014 10:40 AM (3bbd3)

86 Quote from my son upon the occasion of the great family gathering on December 25th: "Is it wrong to fart at the table during Christmas dinner?" I have failed as a mother.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 10:41 AM (P6QsQ)

87 And in honor of this thread I am going to change my nick. (temporarily)

Posted by: Flatus Muldoon at January 19, 2014 10:41 AM (g4TxM)

88 79 Vic at January 19, 2014 02:38 PM (T2V/1)

The aptly named "Fudgery" and its Operatic Exhibition of and Delivery of said Fudge tends to trigger the same gastro-intestinular aerobatics demonstration if too much of their sugar-free fudge is imbibed....

"Broadway at the Beach"

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:41 AM (TE35l)

89 Is it wrong to fart in front of your wife after you have been married a long time? You know the honeymoon's over when you leave the bathroom door open.

Posted by: katya the designated driver at January 19, 2014 10:41 AM (4Chvm)

I saw Anal Leakage open for Third Eye Blind at the Whiskey a Go Go in '97

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at January 19, 2014 10:41 AM (jucos)

91 Third Eye Blind, nice. Truck Monkey knows how to play the game.

Posted by: garrett at January 19, 2014 10:42 AM (vlAbR)

92 brb, i'm going to get a gun Posted by: navycopjoe And why do you have to "go somewhere," isn't it holstered on your hip?

Posted by: traye at January 19, 2014 10:43 AM (M8k1f)

93 The best substitute sweetener is saccharine. Of course the government spent decades trying to ban it from the market based on phony science much like the AGW scam.

Posted by: Vic[/i] at January 19, 2014 10:43 AM (T2V/1)

94 You know the honeymoon's over when you leave the bathroom door open. Posted by: katya the designated driver at January 19, 2014 02:41 PM (4Chvm) ------- Some very evil architect designed the master bathroom in my house to have weird saloon doors instead of real floor-to-ceiling door that can actually close and lock.

Posted by: Jenny Hates Her Phone at January 19, 2014 10:43 AM (GmTxn)

95 Vic, you're a wonderful son. I'm sure she appreciated the thought that went into it. It truly is the thought the counts.

Posted by: katya the designated driver at January 19, 2014 10:44 AM (4Chvm)

96 Vic - have you ever tried that Truvia stuff? Is that different from saccharine?

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 10:44 AM (P6QsQ)

97 Some very evil architect designed the master bathroom in my house to have weird saloon doors instead of real floor-to-ceiling door that can actually close and lock. **** That would be #1 on the home improvement to-do list.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 10:45 AM (DmNpO)

98 Some very evil architect designed the master bathroom in my house to have weird saloon doors instead of real floor-to-ceiling door that can actually close and lock. Obviously someone who personally had no need of privacy. How bizarre.

Posted by: katya the designated driver at January 19, 2014 10:46 AM (4Chvm)

99 If it is sugarless, then it isn't candy..., it is something else.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 19, 2014 10:46 AM (aDwsi)

100 Sorta related? The old Victorian house the late Miss Emily and I shared has only a half-bath-- in what used to be a closet- downstairs. Everything else is up 3 flights of stairs to the second floor.

The last time- 1989-- we both had awful cases of flu-- pouring at both ends-- we invented a new Olympic Event. The "10 meter toilet sprint...." Whoever got there first got to use it-- the other had to race up the stairs...

At least we were able to joke about it. We were so sick we could not leave the house.

Posted by: backhoe at January 19, 2014 10:48 AM (ULH4o)

101 Speaking of crapping our pants... A look at the deal with Iran: http://t.co/CcIM7u7rWK

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 10:48 AM (DmNpO)

102 96 Vic - have you ever tried that Truvia stuff? Is that different from saccharine?

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 02:44 PM (P6QsQ)

No, thankfully I can eat real sugar.

Posted by: Vic[/i] at January 19, 2014 10:48 AM (T2V/1)

103 My favorite Chinese place got me this week. When we were eating I said "hmm, this isn't up to their normal standard." Middle of the night, sugar free gummy belly. I didn't blame my Chinese for that, until the next after noon when I ate leftovers and it hit me again. Now the question is, find new Chinese place or chance it with old one?

Posted by: traye at January 19, 2014 10:48 AM (M8k1f)

104 Posted by: Vic at January 19, 2014 02:43 PM (T2V/1) "Phony" may be a bit much. We have a much better idea about how animals connect to humans now. Saccharine does give rats cancer. But it's because the process it different. It's not clear we really knew that at the time. I wish I could say "that ship won't sail" these days, but the recent Anti-GMO study proves otherwise. Meanwhile, I spent last night violently ill as well, I blame poor eating habits.

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) No Really! at January 19, 2014 10:49 AM (GaqMa)

105 Seems to me that this would be an excellent passive aggressive Christmas gift for co-workers. Or a boss...

/just saying. You know you all thought the same thing!

Posted by: shibumi at January 19, 2014 10:49 AM (25HWz)

106 "Jet Propulsion Laboratories, do you copy? Be advised, the crowd over at Ace of Spades is disclosing proprietary classified information over an open channel. Stand by to launch drones."

Posted by: Bob from the NSA at January 19, 2014 10:49 AM (g4TxM)

107 Wet T-shirt contest on NFL Network.

Posted by: buzzion at January 19, 2014 10:49 AM (LI48c)

108 Some very evil architect designed the master bathroom in my house to have weird saloon doors instead of real floor-to-ceiling door that can actually close and lock. Obviously someone who personally had no need of privacy. How bizarre. Posted by: katya --------------------------------- We once visited a house where the commode in the master bedroom was just..., *there*..., in the room, with a separate room with shower and basin. The agent had never visited the house before, and when the three of us entered the master bedroom, we all just stopped and stared. The agent said something like, "I'm at a loss for words."

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 19, 2014 10:49 AM (aDwsi)

109 86 Quote from my son upon the occasion of the great family gathering on December 25th:

"Is it wrong to fart at the table during Christmas dinner?"

I have failed as a mother.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 02:41 PM (P6QsQ)

That's when someone gets dragged from the table and doesn't reappear for 4 hours.

Posted by: tangonine at January 19, 2014 10:50 AM (x3YFz)

110 That would be #1 on the home improvement to-do list. ---- We'll eventually replace it, but in the meantime we make the boy children share that room.

Posted by: Jenny Hates Her Phone at January 19, 2014 10:50 AM (GmTxn)

111 I can help!

Posted by: Olestra at January 19, 2014 10:50 AM (1Y+hH)

112 We once visited a house where the commode in the master bedroom was just..., *there*..., in the room, with a separate room with shower and basin. *** There was a place like that on HGTV a couple of months ago. The entire bathroom was an open wing to the master bedroom.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 10:51 AM (DmNpO)

113 They should sell them as a "cleanse"

Posted by: Lauren at January 19, 2014 10:51 AM (hFL/3)

114 Steaks on!

Posted by: Lincolntf at January 19, 2014 10:52 AM (ZshNr)

115 We once visited a house where the commode in the master bedroom was just..., *there*..., in the room, with a separate room with shower and basin.

The agent had never visited the house before, and when the three of us entered the master bedroom, we all just stopped and stared. The agent said something like, "I'm at a loss for words."

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 19, 2014 02:49 PM (aDwsi)

Reminds me of every deployment to a middle eastern country. Luxurious malls, wall to wall marble, but the crapper is a hole in a floor. The fk?

Savages.

Posted by: tangonine at January 19, 2014 10:52 AM (x3YFz)

116 Posted by: backhoe at January 19, 2014 02:48 PM (ULH4o) About 2 years back the wife and I had just finished one of the "stay at her parents house and care for her mom" sprints. A stomach flu had been going around her work, but we thought we had dodged it. A friend called and said "want to come over I'm making chimichangas!" So over we went, had a nice night. Later (about 3 AM) I fell very ill. I upchucked a bit, then went downstairs to get a glass of water. Then the violent stomach cramps started and I couldn't make it back up the stairs. I started to sleep on the couch when my wife woke up, same problem, but never came downstairs. We spent the night on opposite floors shouting at each other to make sure we were each OK.

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) No Really! at January 19, 2014 10:52 AM (GaqMa)

117 Wet T-shirt contest on NFL Network. *** Warren Sapp? You evil thang you.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 10:52 AM (DmNpO)

118 There was a place like that on HGTV a couple of months ago. The entire bathroom was an open wing to the master bedroom. Posted by: Niedermeyer's --------------------- NOT happening at the Hammer house.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 19, 2014 10:52 AM (aDwsi)

119 92 isn't it holstered on your hip? i'm not that afraid of my wife

Posted by: navycopjoe why god why? at January 19, 2014 10:53 AM (At8tV)

120 119 Wet T-shirt contest on NFL Network.

***

Warren Sapp?

You evil thang you.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 02:52 PM (DmNpO)

Well actually it was Steve Marriucci in the white shirt with no undershirt.

Posted by: buzzion at January 19, 2014 10:53 AM (LI48c)

121 NOT happening at the Hammer house.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 19, 2014 02:52 PM (aDwsi)

Not at FOB Tango, either. Duece is private, tyvm.

Posted by: tangonine at January 19, 2014 10:53 AM (x3YFz)

122
i'm not that afraid of my wife

Posted by: navycopjoe why god why? at January 19, 2014 02:53 PM (At8tV)

MISTAKE!

Posted by: tangonine at January 19, 2014 10:54 AM (x3YFz)

123 105 "Phony" may be a bit much.

Not so. That sweetener had been used for decades and decades with no evidence of adverse effects. It was the standard they use for AGW now. Any time you let the government regulate something based on "science" this first thing that goes out the window is the science.

Posted by: Vic[/i] at January 19, 2014 10:54 AM (T2V/1)

124 Isnt an open toilet in the bedroom a European thing?

Posted by: Havedash at January 19, 2014 10:54 AM (G1XMn)

125 MISTAKE! Posted by: tangonine ------------ Yeah, complacency is a killer.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 19, 2014 10:55 AM (aDwsi)

126 124 tangonine at January 19, 2014 02:54 PM (x3YFz)

I try to fear no man...she ain't no man.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:55 AM (TE35l)

127 There's nothing worse than having a family with stomach flu when all you have is an outhouse. Been there.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 10:55 AM (P6QsQ)

128
Some very evil architect designed the master bathroom in my house to have weird saloon doors instead of real floor-to-ceiling door that can actually close and lock.

Or the new thing of putting the john in a tiny, tiny, dark little closet about 30 inches wide with 10-12 foot ceilings. Must be like taking a crap at the bottom of a well. Saw that in a model home I went to with my SiL a few years back.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at January 19, 2014 10:55 AM (aYjRw)

129

I was just explaining at lunch why I like the Q. I told them it always has a variety of thought provoking high-brown topics to ponder with many smart people.

hahahahaha

Posted by: Liberty Lover at January 19, 2014 10:56 AM (sifpf)

130 The absolute case of rapid bowel evacuation I ever had was from a bad oyster. As soon as I bit into it I knew that doom awaited. It took me about 20 minutes to get home from the restaurant and that was almost not enough time. Took almost a week to get over and in that time I became acquainted with agony on a whole new level. By day 4 I was actually hoping for death. Water boarding? Please. I would have given up anything for one normal poop.

Posted by: JackStraw at January 19, 2014 10:57 AM (g1DWB)

131

You can make a case, I guess, that this topic is rather sophisticated in comparison to Mannequin Pubic Hair post of yesterday.

Frankly, I think Ace is beginning to show off.

Posted by: Liberty Lover at January 19, 2014 10:57 AM (sifpf)

132 Marriages and bathroom doors? Well, no modesty with either of my dead wives. The first one was handicapped so I took care of her personal needs. No reason to be shy. The second, while a symphony musician grew up on a farm- she was not modest at all.

And to be a little crude? Both smelled wonderful to me even when stinky-dirty. As I did to them. It's a visceral thing, probably tribal.

Posted by: backhoe at January 19, 2014 10:57 AM (ULH4o)

133 So, they called the games off?

Posted by: Meremortal at January 19, 2014 10:58 AM (1Y+hH)

134 131 Liberty Lover at January 19, 2014 02:56 PM (sifpf)

I was just explaining atlunch why I like the Q.I told them it always has avariety of thought provoking high-brown topics to ponder with many smart people.

hahahahaha

Fruedian or Rokerian slip?

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:58 AM (TE35l)

135 Posted by: Vic at January 19, 2014 02:54 PM (T2V/1) Eh, As I said, I'd like to say "things like that would get caught these days." But alas, I'm not sure that's necessarily true. I knew the Anti-GMO study was bullshit when I saw it, but I don't have the power of a major media outlet to tell people. (It took 3-4 days for places like Ars Technica to catch up and report that.)

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) No Really! at January 19, 2014 10:58 AM (GaqMa)

136 Ill tempered cur My mom has a bathroom like that.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 10:59 AM (P6QsQ)

137 I don't know grammi. My granny never had indoor plumbing, (died 1992), and I could see some advantage to an outhouse in the after action phase of sugar free gummy belly. No flush, no mess.

Posted by: traye at January 19, 2014 10:59 AM (M8k1f)

138 137 tsrblke, PhD(c) No Really! at January 19, 2014 02:58 PM (GaqMa)

Conservatives should demand PBS go fuck itself on bias and use it to get truth out.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 10:59 AM (TE35l)

139

Fruedian or Rokerian slip?

---

LOL! Thanks, Sven. In fairness, this conversation is somewhat elevated above "Mannequin Pubic Hair" from yesterday. I am getting the opinion that Ace is beginning to show off.

Posted by: Liberty Lover at January 19, 2014 11:00 AM (Zn5Uy)

140 Gaming babe up with elbows.

Posted by: Vic[/i] at January 19, 2014 11:00 AM (T2V/1)

141 @139 You need a three-holer.

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 11:01 AM (P6QsQ)

142 Are you ready for some football?

Posted by: grammie winger at January 19, 2014 11:02 AM (P6QsQ)

143 For the vets in the audience, a bargain: http://tinyurl.com/p7qfh5d

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 19, 2014 11:02 AM (aDwsi)

144 Two big NOs in master bedroom design: http://bit.ly/1mqUoKr http://bit.ly/KmuOHH

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 11:03 AM (DmNpO)

145 That left such an impression on me that my wife and I negotiated a contract for such activities involving #2 removal from Day One. The contract is long and involved, many pages, with initials at the bottom of each page, but was worth it. ------- That really is the only civilized way to handle such things.

Posted by: Sheldon Cooper at January 19, 2014 11:04 AM (GmTxn)

146 NDH - That first one is pretty much what we saw.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 19, 2014 11:05 AM (aDwsi)

147 Conservatives should demand PBS go fuck itself on bias and use it to get truth out. Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 02:59 PM (TE35l) Eh, pretty much everyone knew the study was bunk, but the people releasing it leveraged the media in a pretty creative way to prevent experts from looking at the study until it was already trumpeted everywhere. I'm not sure this was political bias, as much as it was "media stupid."

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) No Really! at January 19, 2014 11:05 AM (GaqMa)

148 Isnt an open toilet in the bedroom a European thing? *** Then it figures the libs would call it "eco design" and try to emulate it.

Posted by: Niedermeyer's Dead Horse at January 19, 2014 11:05 AM (DmNpO)

149 That left such an impression on me that my wife and I negotiated a contract for such activities involving #2 removal from Day One. The contract is long and involved, many pages, with initials at the bottom of each page, but was worth it. ---------------------------------------------- Unless there is company, I am consigned to use the guest bathroom. Which suits me fine, I have my own library there.

Posted by: Mike Hammer at January 19, 2014 11:06 AM (aDwsi)

150 150 tsrblke, PhD(c) No Really! at January 19, 2014 03:05 PM (GaqMa)

Possibly, but it struck me as manipulated and manipulative as the Alar and DDT scares.

Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 11:07 AM (TE35l)

151 I have a friend who was a strong advocate of ripping a big fart on the first date...to get that over with.

Posted by: Havedash at January 19, 2014 11:10 AM (G1XMn)

152 Everybody farts. Those that say they don't are lying. That includes Teh Hawt wimmenz. An opening fart is a good opportunity for comedy. Wimmenz like funny guys

Posted by: Truck Monkey, Gruntled New Business Owner at January 19, 2014 11:13 AM (jucos)

153 HAWKS WIN!!!! HAWKS WIN!!!!

Posted by: navycopjoe why god why? at January 19, 2014 11:13 AM (At8tV)

154 Mitt categorically denies he'll run for president again.

Posted by: WalrusRex at January 19, 2014 11:15 AM (E+uky)

155 Twenty years ago last Saturday, I grilled salmon steaks. I thought they were perfectly cooked, and no one else got sick.

I laid there, praying for death, until the next round of diarrhea hit. I couldn't hold down a glass of water! Eventually, I had to have a friend drive me to the hospital. It took three days before I started to feel normal. Lost almost 15 lbs.

Had a similar experience with Vietnamese Hot n Sour soup, but that only lasted a couple of hours.

Posted by: boned to the bone at January 19, 2014 11:16 AM (Ph479)

156 Anal leakage is normal,your asshole is not a perfect seal.That being said,don't really want to eat something that causes more.

Posted by: steevy at January 19, 2014 11:16 AM (zqvg6)

157 "157 Mitt categorically denies he'll run for president again."

Good.

Posted by: backhoe at January 19, 2014 11:17 AM (ULH4o)

158 Posted by: sven10077 at January 19, 2014 03:07 PM (TE35l) Read the Ars article on it. It was clearly manipulated. The question is who did the manipulating. The media is far to willing to be manipulated, which is the problem.

Posted by: tsrblke, PhD(c) No Really! at January 19, 2014 11:18 AM (GaqMa)

159 Mitt categorically denies he'll run for president again.

If he loves his family, he should punch himself in the junk anytime he even thinks of running again.

Posted by: boned to the bone at January 19, 2014 11:21 AM (Ph479)

160 Just got to this thread, but if anyone is interested, erithritol is one of the sugar alcohols that tastes like sugar without providing the unfortunate side effects. It's quite expensive, so very few commercial products are made with it. It does work like sugar in homemade recipes, though.

Posted by: Avogadra at January 19, 2014 12:10 PM (Pg8qi)

161 Sorbitol is another sweetener that will clean out the colon. It's pronounced "sore-butt-hole."

Posted by: Dang at January 19, 2014 12:19 PM (MNq6o)

162 A gall bladder attack > sugar free gummy bears. Paralysis of your legs, violent flatulence that proceeds and follows EVERYTHING in your digestive track vacating at once. So glad I had that traitorous organ removed.

Posted by: CAC at January 19, 2014 12:57 PM (f64fj)

163 One wonders how many gummy bears he consumed. Does the review mention that?

I use sucralose in the form of EZ Sweetz drops, and have had no problems. I don't consume large amounts, though.

Posted by: Miley's Tongue at January 19, 2014 01:16 PM (R+h7Q)

164 BuzzFeed probably stole the idea from AoS.

I sidebar'd a particularly good review a day before the BF article was written.

Posted by: Purp[/i][/b][/s] at January 19, 2014 01:18 PM (zxsxA)

165 The sweetener in question is not maltitol, it is lycasin and it is well known to have this effect when eating past a certain threshold.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lycasin

Posted by: Dave in St. Louis at January 19, 2014 02:52 PM (lG61b)

166 We used to cut cocaine with that stuff. I don't remember it giving us diarrhea, but that was a very gray area in my memory.

Posted by: Kevin at January 19, 2014 10:39 PM (UFwhk)

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