Well, you could get him a nice port. Or, perhaps, a creepy animatronic chimpanzee head.

Watch the video, as Disgruntle Us advises. It's disturbing.

I'm thinking about getting Dave from Garfield Ridge one of these just to give him chronic night-terrors resulting in a schizophrenic break. It's hard to type "It's old" in a straightjacket.

Posted by: Ace at 11:34 AM | Comments (24)
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Interesting article on homesexuality and possible hormonal causes. Just make sure you skip all the irrelevant apologetics and political concerns ("we swear, we don't mean to imply there's anything wrong with homosexuality or that it's a 'choice'" -- half the freaking article) and go to the science, which is interesting.

Boys born with many older brothers in the family have a much higher chance of becoming gay. Which suggests, to me at least, that homosexuality may be an evolutionary check on overpopulation. The article discusses the possibility that women's wombs produce different hormones during pregnancy if they've given birth to multiple children, perhaps inducing a homosexual orientation in younger children of big clans.

Which leads me to to pheremones. Maybe there's also sort of invisible, intangible pheremonal Darwinistic battle of the chemicals going on, too. Are we all sending out pheremones designed to drive others into homosexuality, and thus increase our own chances of winning the contest to pass our genes to the next generation? Some male fish turn gay when exposed to the hormones of other male fish; female fruit flies can be induced to become lesbian by exposure to chemicals.

I'm not just interested in the stuff about homosexuality, but in the larger question of how sensitive we may be to chemical communications we're not even consciously aware of. Why do we despise some people who are, objectively, unobjectionable? Maybe it's because we detect that their pheremones are similar to our own, and thus represent a threat to the chemosexual reproductive niche we're designed to fill.

Why do we sometimes just "click" with other people, for no particularly discernable reason? Again, maybe it's just agreeable chemicals triggering the "trust hormone" and turning near-strangers into quick confidantes.

None of this is exactly a surprise to anyone who's ever heard of pheremones or oxytocsin. I'm just wondering about the actual magnitude of it, how profound the effect of unconscious chemical information-exchanging might be on human relations, friendship and antipathy, and love, desire, and hatred.

Because, it seems to me, if pheremones can flip your sexual drive from straight to gay, what the hell can't they do?

Bonus Fun Facts From the Article: Based on quantified physical arousal to pornographic pictures showing both gay and straight couplings, I now know what I always suspected:

1. All bisexual men are just plain old gay. The word "bisexuality" is to gay men what "libertarian" is to liberal men: it's just a way to avoid the dreaded label.

And, even better:

2. Not only is bisexuality real in women, but in fact almost all women are aroused by depictions of both straight and gay sex.

Almost no men are truly bisexual, whereas almost all women are. Pornography always tells you the truth.

The theory first forwarded by Dennis Finch -- "All chicks are just three cocktails away from some hot girl-on-girl action" -- seems to be edging closer to full scientific peer-reviewed confirmation.

Edit: In my rush to claim evidence for my pet theory, I ignored parts of the article that noted that these hormonal signals and sexuality-flips seem to occur in the womb, not just walkin' around in the park playing Yankee-Pirate as a six year old. Dr. Reo Symes schooled me proper, anad I've edited to reflect his wisdom.

He is, after all, pretending to be a doctor on the Internet.

Posted by: Ace at 11:20 AM | Comments (122)
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From Big Lizards...

* Iraq suicide blasts at lowest level in 7 months

* 11.5% drop in U.S. fatalities in November

* There are now more than 120 Iraqi Army and Police combat battalions actively fighting against the terrorists

* We've officially transferred 90 square miles of the Baghdad province to the Iraqis

* The Iraqis have held two successful, national, free elections in the past year

* The terrorists and the Baathist bitter-enders have been unable to hold any territory whatsoever

Cites and elaborating quotes at the link.

I was trying to make this point earlier:

The Democrats and the media want Bush to lose this war, for political reasons. They want to pressure him to cut and run and allow Iraq to be the war-torn terrorist haven they need it to be in order to prosper.

But they cannot advocate this cut and run strategy if we're winning the war. They cannot press for the withdrawal of all troops from a war when actual victory is perhaps just a year away.

So they need to claim that the war is "unwinnable." If the war is unwinnable, of course, there's hardly anything lost by withrdawing now. In fact, if the war truly were unwinnable, it would be prudent to get out early, rather than throwing living soldiers after the dead.

This requires them to deny all progress being made in Iraq, denigrate the fantastic job our military is doing in hunting down and killing terrorists who would otherwise be committing terrorist actions directly against US interests, claim that Iraq's constitutional, elected government is actually worse than Saddam's dictatorship, etc. Only with this false predicate -- "We're losing now, and we will lose in the future" -- can they advance their defeatist agenda, and disguise the true reasons for wanting a bug-out (they have to defeat Bush politically before he achieves victory militarily in Iraq).

Their careers, political and media, depend upon an American defeat in Iraq. They cannot hope for an actual Al Qaeda military victory; that's simply an impossibility. They need Bush to concede defeat in the jaws of victory, and to do that, they need to convince the American public that a war moving towards full victory is actually doomed to certain defeat.

They need this. They cannot recapture power without it. And if convincing the American people to save their asses by forcing Bush to surrender requires them lying about white phosphorus, "propaganda" in Iraqi newspapers, and the like, they'll do so, gladly.

Much like the Goateed Evil Twins of the Founding Fathers, who knew they were risking hanging for treason by signing the Declaration of Independence, they have put too much on the line to choose any other path at this point.

America must lose for them to win. And if Al Qaeda can't, and the American military won't, help them in securing an American defeat, they'll just have to find another way.

Compare And Contrast... to their relentless dishonest negativism on an economy that's grown at an average yearly rate of 4% for the past several years, as pointed out by the Good Doctor Reo Symes below.

Same thing. They can't quite sabotage the economy (although fostering false pessimissism does injure the economy), but they sure as hell can do a lot to make sure everyone perceives Bush's economic plan as "unwinnable." The moment America realizes the economy is booming, well, forget taking back Congress in 2006.

It drives me batty when the liberals/media (redundant I know) claim that Bush and conservatives are guilty of daffy optimism and "faith-based" politics. In fact, Bush and conservatives' may be optimistic, but their optimism is much closer to reality than liberal/media pessimism.

In fact, it's the liberals/media guiltiest of the daffiest optimism and "faith-based" thinking -- they are exhuberantly, irrationally optimistic that everything from the economy to the war are going to hell in a handbasket, which of course is very optimistic news for them.

Posted by: Ace at 10:44 AM | Comments (17)
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Remember Pat Summerall? He was a famously laconic play-by-play man. Here's Sommerall describing, say, Jerome Bettis taking a handoff:

Bettis... three yards.

Here's him describing a 50 yard Hail Mary resulting in an interception and runback for a touchdown the other way:

Shotgun... he's looking... pass up... intercepted... has the sideline... touchdown.

Notice no exclamation points. I always liked that about him.

more...

Posted by: Ace at 10:19 AM | Comments (18)
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Kinda funny.

"Sometimes people just drift apart, Brian."

"Not famous people! They're supposed to be better than us!!"

Of course, the whole premise is ass, because no guy is upset that Nick and Jessica broke up. We're all thinking the exact same thing: Nick is back on the market, baby!

Did I say Nick? I meant Jessica. She's the one with the, uh, what do you call them, lumpy woman pec-things, right? Yeah, those are, um, nice, I guess, if you're into that sort of thing, which I most definitely am.

Sort of.

I wonder what Nick is doing right now. I bet he's just hangin' out, lookin' cool. Being all vulnerable and hot like Corey Haim in Lucas.

I bet he could use a special friend right now.

Sigh.

From Y2Day, which notes the peace organization whose members were captured in Iraq is putting the blame right where it belongs: On George W. Bush.

Posted by: Ace at 09:27 AM | Comments (3)
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In yet another blog-scoop, Naked Testicle Spiderman has managed to obtain Arnold Schwarzenegger's cheat-sheet for this burning issue.

Posted by: Ace at 09:13 AM | Comments (4)
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A safe house in Pakistan turned out to be not quite so safe after all.

I say he's the "possible" Al Qaeda #3 because his precise rank is unknown. But he was a biggie.

His location was discovered when Dick Cheney plugged himself into CEREBRO to increase his already-formiddable psychic powers. He toyed with the idea of simply psionically bursting his brain, Scanners-style, but decided the CIA needed a morale boost.

Correction: I'm told it's CEREBRO, not CERBERUS.

F'n' geeks. Get a life.

Posted by: Ace at 08:55 AM | Comments (5)
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Yesterday, the WSJ featured an article by Brian Wesbury, an investment strategist, on current economic 'perceptions' that deserves your attention. A taste:

During a quarter century of analyzing and forecasting the economy, I have never seen anything like this. No matter what happens, no matter what data are released, no matter which way markets move, a pall of pessimism hangs over the economy.

It is amazing. Everything is negative. When bond yields rise, it is considered bad for the housing market and the consumer. But if bond yields fall and the yield curve narrows toward inversion, that is bad too, because an inverted yield curve could signal a recession.

If housing data weaken, as they did on Monday when existing home sales fell, well that is a sign of a bursting housing bubble. If housing data strengthen, as they did on Tuesday when new home sales rose, that is negative because the Fed may raise rates further. If foreigners buy our bonds, we are not saving for ourselves. If foreigners do not buy our bonds, interest rates could rise. If wages go up, inflation is coming. If wages go down, the economy is in trouble.

This onslaught of negative thinking is clearly having an impact. During the 2004 presidential campaign, when attacks on the economy were in full force, 36% of Americans thought we were in recession. One year later, even though unemployment has fallen from 5.5% to 5%, and real GDP has expanded by 3.7%, the number who think a recession is underway has climbed to 43%.

Mr. Wesbury thinks this spin reflects an underlying unease with globalization. Careful readers of this site may detect a different hypothesis favored herebouts. (And, in that vein, I recall your attention to Ace's Top 10 N.Y. Times Economic Headlines from last week for a bit o' funny.)

Anyway, regardless of the reasons for the media's economic good=badism, Wesbury's piece is worth a read.

Posted by: Dr. Reo Symes at 08:09 AM | Comments (2)
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Nice:

The centerpiece of the XM-109 system is the 25mm HEDP ammunition it fires. A scaled down derivative of the low velocity 30mm HEDP M789 ammunition fired by the AH-64 Apache attack helicopter, the MX-109's 25mm ammunition has been judged to be 2.5 times more effective at destroying targets than a .50 caliber armor-piercing round. It is expected that this ammunition can penetrate nearly 40mm (an inch and a half) of armor plating at 500 meters, or blast open doors from around the corner.

To enable the shooter to engage targets out to 2,500 meters, Barrett has developed an integrated ballistic computer/ riflescope system known as BORS (Barrett Optical Ranging System).

The BORS automatically determines the temperature and barometric pressure, as well as the cant or tilt in the rifle itself, and incorporates these enviro-physical factors into its calculations. Once the proper range has been entered, the shooter need only put the target under the crosshairs and pull the trigger.

See the link for pic and more.

Posted by: Ace at 07:49 AM | Comments (13)
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HAHAHAH!!!!!

You jerk-offs think President ANUS FUCKHOLE is doing a good job in Iraq and that we shouldn't at least BEGIN to withdraw some troops. HAHAAH!!!! So go enlist and go over there and get shot and de-capitated! 14 more to add to the count today...Wow this war's going well! :-D

You jerk-offs also think there's a way to "WIN" the war over there...as if there's any true objective! Hahahahah! Heeeee! :-) Well, when we're still there another 4 or 5 years down the line with over 4 or 5 thousand dead, I hope you find it just as "WIN"-able! 'Cuz weez gotsta fite the insurrrrrrgents! INSURRRRRRGENTS! And TURRRRRRISTS! Hahaha!

Nice job, Ace. You're a real winner. An "Ace in the Hole." Oh, wait. No, I mean just an "Asshole!" :-)

And for your information, ANUS FUCKHOLE's rating isn't up 6 points...it's down....WAAAAAAAY down...

But have fun fahtin fur freedom and democrasseeeee! HEHEHEHE!!!!

Yeeeeehaw! Yippeeeeee! We're stayin' the cawrse! Tho' in Teksus, we just call that "stupid!" :-D

Posted by: Ruthy Truthy

Touche.

Well played, Ruthy. Very well played.

I think she does a good job of balancing out the pottywords ("President ANUS FUCKHOLE"... how does she come up with stuff like this? Why doesn't she save it for her HBO special?) with cutesy emoticons like :-D. It makes as much sense as kicking someone in the shin and then giving them a big ol' wink.

Anyway, if Ruthy's comment seemed a little rushed, it's because she had to get back to her job at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, splitting atoms... with her mind.

Edit: I changed her name to reflect what she had actually signed the post as. In the body of the post, she just said "Ruthy," but in the name-box for the comment, she wrote "Ruthy Truthy."

Ruthy Truthy.

Contra Spinal Tap, sometimes the line between clever and stupid is not so fine at all.

Posted by: Ace at 05:12 PM | Comments (90)
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