Three of their tigers also admitted to occasional fantasies about occicats.

According to The National Enquirer, the two are writing a tell-all book about their lives together, and in it they finally admit they were once lovers. When their affair ended, they remained partners and good friends.

In related news, C.C. DeVille of Poison just stunned the world by admitting 1) substance abuse and 2) sucking..

Thanks to dri.

Posted by: Ace at 09:27 AM | Comments (43)
Post contains 93 words, total size 1 kb.

Maybe the dumbest physics paper most people will ever read, but it does have the virtue of actually enticing people to read it, which I guess is the point.

Yeah, it's kind of dumb, but it's fun. I guess. Did you know that that bus-jump in Speed violated all sorts of formulas for momentum and trajectory?

Or that -- prepare yourself for a real shock -- the physics of Superman's power of flight are not quite according-to-Hoyle, particularly when he flies around the globe real fast to start the earth rotating in the opposite direction? They don't even bother to get into that whole turning-back-time bit, so I assume that's all real.

Thanks to Ogre Gunner.

Posted by: Ace at 09:16 AM | Comments (43)
Post contains 136 words, total size 1 kb.

On FoxNews now.

Posted by: Ace at 09:04 AM | Comments (9)
Post contains 19 words, total size 1 kb.

Hmmmm...

The U.S. military is planning a series of "quick-strike" attacks all around Iraq to go after militants who evaded the big military operation of recent weeks, a top commander said Friday.

...

Military operations launched since America's troop buildup have helped coalition forces retake some territory in main population centers from extremists, he said, adding that militants have now moved to remote areas. He noted this week's devastating bomb attack in two remote northern villages that officials say killed at least 500 people.

"Due to the constant pressure and depletion of their leadership, extremists have been pushed out of many population centers and are on the move, seeking other places to operate within the country," Odierno told a Pentagon press conference by video from Baghdad.

"As a result, we are now in pursuit of al-Qaida and other extremist elements, and we'll continue to aggressively target their shrinking areas of influence," he said.

"Over the coming weeks, we plan to conduct quick-strike raids against remaining extremist sanctuaries and staging areas," Odierno said.

...

Odierno said there has been a shift in who is causing the most violence in Iraq. The military calculates that in July, 52 percent of the violence across the country was caused by al-Qaida and Sunni insurgents and 48 percent by Shiite extremists—compared to January when they say Sunnis and al-Qaida accounted for 70 percent.

This seems more likely to work so long as you don't tell them about it weeks in advance.

A commenter pointed out that the fact Al Qaeda was promising an imminent attack was good evidence for the fact they weren't. He pointed out the obvious fact that announcing a coming sneak attack is, what's the word, retarded, and most likely then this was all false. Designed merely to exhaust US law enforcement/security personnel with 60 or 70 hour weeks during a period when Al Qaeda had no attacks planned, so they'd all be worn out and less alert during any real attacks that might be coming.

Is that the idea here? Just get these guys running so they'll slip up and get themselves caught? Maybe they figure surprise is less likely to result in capturing these guys than fear and weariness.

As an aside, Odeiro mentions that the commanders in Iraq all expect the surge-force troops to be withdrawn by next August (when their tours are scheduled to end) and not be replaced by fresh forces. Which isn't really a surprise, but there you go.

Posted by: Ace at 08:39 AM | Comments (20)
Post contains 431 words, total size 3 kb.

Not Thermopylae, 300 artists, 300 songs. Michele spins the "list" exercise, you give her the name of the band or artist, she tells you which song is her fav and tells you why. Splanation here. I don't think anyone's taken Spinal Tap yet.

She'd love to hear from you. You get to communicate with a live girl, tell her what you like, she tells you how she likes it. Normally this takes a credit card and $3.99 a minute.

Or so I'm told.

In other news,

The third asshole in the Vick case turns. Expect Vick to take the deal later today.

Fed cuts the discount rate a half point.

Former model kicks mugger's ass in NYC. There's your woman Jack M. Hubba hubba.

Security guard with a bullet in his side told by doctor to "suck it up, buttercup".

That seems like kind of a stretch on that whole "holistic" thing, doesn't it?

Posted by: Dave In Texas at 05:25 AM | Comments (28)
Post contains 156 words, total size 1 kb.

And my lovely bride to be (she will be mine, oh yes, she will be mine!), Fox News' Ms. Suzanne Sena, was on a repeat episode of Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld last night and none of you so called "fans" or "readers" or "people who put up with me because I buy time for Ace to post teh funnay" bothered to tell me.

After all I've done for you, this is how you repay me? With benign indifference to my various delusional fantasies?

Well enough of this, I say! I was going to ask Johnny M. Coldcuts to post his college football predictions (he was something like 17-4 or 18-3 against the line last season on opening day) because I'm just one hell of a generous guy.

But now?

I don't know if Johnny will be available. I. just. don't. know.

I'll give you one more chance to redeem yourselves though. Which unattainably hot blogosphere/news goddess should I focus my attentions on now?

The first one who says "Helen Thomas" gets banned.

Put your choices in the comments. Should this gaping hole in my heart be successfully filled by your selection, I'll invite Johnny back.

Otherwise? You're on your own, suckas.

Just like me....

and Fox News' Ms. Suzanne Sena.

Posted by: Jack M. at 06:47 PM | Comments (76)
Post contains 225 words, total size 1 kb.

Nonparty Politics notes that the readers there actually reacted decently (or at least some did), telling TP to shut the hell up.

Anyway I have to quote this. Here's some really stupid insinuation:

Laura claimed Jenna and fiancé weren’t seriously dating.

The White House announced today that Jenna Bush, one of President Bush’s twin daughters, is engaged to be married to her longtime boyfriend, Henry Hager. This must come as a shock to Laura Bush, given that in 2005 she publicly proclaimed that Jenna and Henry were not in a “serious” relationship. Here’s how the Washington Post reported it:img

Former White House aide Henry Hager may be flying high, considering he’s dating the president’s daughter, but maybe he shouldn’t get too comfortable with Jenna Bush on his arm. Yesterday on ABC’s “Good Morning America,” Charlie Gibson broached the topic of the twins’ dating with Laura Bush, noting: “I’ve read in the social pages that one of your daughters has a new boyfriend.”

The first lady, referring to the 26-year-old Hager, who has been seen regularly in Jenna’s company, said: “This is not a serious boyfriend — I hate to have to be the one to say it on television. But he’s a very nice young man.”

Note the "contradiction" that Think Progress has discovered -- a lie from Laura Bush, deflecting away speculation about her non-public-life daughter by saying they're "not serious."

How dare she.

I demand a Congressional investigation to get to the heart of this newest neocon snowjob.

People just don't date each other for two years and then suddenly decide to get married, folks.

Perhaps this is why Karl Rove resigned -- to distract us from this newest impeachable offense.

Two years dating? And now they're engaged? Yeah, pull the other one. I question the timing.

Ken Layne, meanwhile, posing as a woman under the name "Wonkette" (which isn't all that hard a sell-- kid sucks cock like the Great Devorian Chicken Inhaling Beast, I hear!*), decides that mere underhanded insinuation isn't enough, and so launches a full-bore attack someone who isn't even in politics with the very classy subhed, Is Jenna pregnant or just really fat?

Hey, Ken? How's that media career goin' for ya, buddy? Remember when you thought you'd soon have a gig with a real MSM outfit? And now you're working in Ana Marie Cox's old internet pretend-job, working for her old crappy salary (if that-- did you manage to get the big Cox salary or did you agree to a cut?), while she, many, many years your junior, is now at Time.

Ah, the dreams of one's advanced middle age. How sour their ashes taste now. How nice it would be to chase that taste away with a nice stinging swig of oblivion in a bottle, eh?

Remember when you were only 68, still full of piss and no-talent vinegar, and you still had the boyishly leathery skin of a veritable child of 63? And remember when you could almost get away with that low-rent Amish beard, looking like a slightly older, slightly unhealthier, slightly seedier version of ZZ Top's retarded cousin Earl?

Where did the days go, Ken. Where did the days go.

Ah, no worries, Ken. Soon your cares will all slip away like your dreams and your ambitions and your job prospects.

PS: I'm sure your band is gonna break big any day now.

Any.

Day.

Now.

Thanks to Nick.

Oh... How is it you only get 73,000 hits a day with Nick Denton's link-machine behind you? You ballsuckers only seem to get traffic when you resort to this sort of disgusting attack and Fark links you.

Quite frankly, anyone can do that.

You've failed at a media career, you've really failed at your stab at being a rockstar in your make-pretend band "Ken Layne and the Midlife Crises," and now you're failing at blogging with a staff of three full-time, er, men and as much promotion and built-in audience as you could want.

But remember, no matter how much you fail at how many endeavors -- it's all Bush's fault, so there's no problem going after his daughters.

* Exclamation points put in because that's what Ken Layne and the other shemales posting at Wonkette claim separates "defamation" from "cheeky joshing!"

Ken Layne: Pregnant or Just Really Fat?

Psst -- Ken. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but unless you're planning on taking over Blues Traveler or writing some Wagnerian rock power-ballads with Jim Steinman, you can't be a rockstar when you're rockin' a 46-inch waist pair of Wrangler Huskies.

It's time for an abortion or Atkins. Not sure which. I'll leave that up to you.

Posted by: Ace at 06:17 PM | Comments (60)
Post contains 794 words, total size 5 kb.

It's just so crazy it might work!

Two problems:

1) We already have plenty of "peace colleges." We usually call them "colleges."

2) The curriculum seems to consist entirely of ending war by "legitimizing disagreements by learning to recognize The Other." Okay, good. "You are The Other; I hereby recognize you in all your diverse Othertude." That takes us all the way through the third period Monday the day it opens. What the hell do you teach for the remaining 7.99998 semesters?

I guess that's where the hairy-legged hippie-whores come in.

Damn. If only.

I wonder if they'd let me audit a couple of classes on Advanced Marxist Critiques of Comparative Effeminacy and How To Convince A Hippie-Whore That John Lennon's Imagine Is Actually An Extended Metaphor For Anal.

Posted by: Ace at 02:48 PM | Comments (65)
Post contains 159 words, total size 1 kb.

This whole blog has become Jonathan Lee Riches © central. Turns out the guy is pretty litigious.

Here's a quote:

All Defendant's are in a vast interconnect conspiracy to Kidnap my mind. Defendant's have a secret headquarters where the detroit Tigers play football.

Obviously he meant "where the detroit Tigers play baseball" or "where the detroit Lions play an unnamed game of their own devising in which points are awarded for futility and concussions suffered by one's quarterback."

Supposedly every one of his handwritten complaints is a scrumptious crazy-candy of rich, chocolaty lunacy filled with crunchy psychoses and then dipped in dark schizophrenic dementia.

Via The Corner.

Posted by: Ace at 02:27 PM | Comments (74)
Post contains 119 words, total size 1 kb.

Okay, there's ten minutes left in the countdown plus I threw in a couple of funny comments no one saw.)

Sometimes being a "very smart military blogger" like myself means you have to delve into distasteful subjects.

Like the fact that (Content warning) D&D just announced its fourth edition for May 2008 release. Do not click this link unless you are sure that your employer does not monitor your internet use and/or you work somewhere queer like Pixar or the Judy Garland Bungalo on a studio campus.

Five hours and 40 minutes till the announcement on their site (Caution: Link may lead to pictures of dwarves and bugbears engaging in graphic tabletop combat).

The guy who sent this link -- and I swear, I was sent the link -- says that, due to the questionable nature of this tip, he'd prefer to remain anonymous.

I hearken that, Brother. I hearken that.

When will they release a conversion document? I need to update the stats of the 2004 Democratic presidential candidates to bring them up-to-date with the 4th Edition.

To De-Gayify The Site By Ten Percent... I'll link this article with self-loading video about MyFakeBoobs.com or something like that, which provides charity boob-jobs for deserving women. (Real content warning: Contains the sort of pictures and talk you'd expect for a site about breast implants. And the video is self-loading. It's not horrible or anything, but there's your official caution.)

Thanks to MikeM.

Posted by: Ace at 02:19 PM | Comments (59)
Post contains 255 words, total size 2 kb.