Okay, I don't usually go for these quiz-things, but this one's about sex, so I'll make an exception.

This quiz purports to tell you what your style of seduction is.

I'm told my favorite "hot spot" is the crawl-space in my parents' old house and my favorite tools of seduction are duct-tape and ether.

I figured I'd be "The Charismatic" type, but instead it labled me the "The Creepy Hare-Lipped Guy With a Sack of Human Teeth and Nothing Left To Lose."

Overall, I'd say it's... eh, 75% accurate or so, give or take. I do loves me my lucky bag o' teeth.

Thanks to Petite Dov.

Posted by: Ace at 09:25 PM | Comments (19)
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With apologies to Jeff Goldstein of Protein Wisdom; I'm sort of poaching his schtick:

RANDY: Yo yo yo, dog. You feelin' it, dog?

CANADA: Yeah.

RANDY: How do you think you did, dog? A little nervous?

CANADA: At first, I guess, eh?

RANDY: Ooooooh. I don't know, man. I don't know. I sort of liked it when you contributed troops to Afghanistan, all nine of them, but your whole performance was a little rough for me. I mean, you tried to work it out but I don't know. It was just a little rough for me, dog. But it was t a'right. It was a'right, it was just a'right.

CANADA: Umm... thank you.

PAULA: First of all, you look beautiful, Canada. I really like the Wayne Gretzy jersey and the Bryan Adams jacket from the Summer of '69 video.

CANADA: Thanks. But this is all I own. Well, except my parka and my ice-fishin' gloves.

PAULA: Ahhhh... I don't know. I'm going to have to agree with Randy. Not a strong performance. A little pitchy in places, especially with regard to not being able to move your troops around the world without America giving you a lift.

But you know what? You know who you are -- sort of a mousy wallflower with not much interesting to say-- and you own that. You really seem to know who you are, even if no one else does. And I think that's so brave of you. It really colors up your performance.

SIMON: Whatever that means.

PAULA: Oh, shut up Simon.

SIMON: Eat me, Paula.

AUDIENCE: Booooo....

SIMON: No, I'm being serious. I want you to eat me, Paula, after the show. Or else I'll make one phone call and replace you with Stacey Q. She can't be half the useless twit that you are.

But you know what your problem is, Canada?

I've been thinking about this. Well, I haven't been thinking much about it, to be honest, but I had to do something while Paula was burbling on like a retard on Red Bull. Your problem is that you're just missing something. And by "something," I mean a respectable military, a thriving economy, a sense of national purpose, and, quite frankly, any real reason to go on living as a nation.

PAULA: Ohhh, Simon...

SIMON: Excuse me Paula, but you're an imbecile. No one watches this show for you. Go make another video with a cartoon cat.

In other words, Canada, you're missing that... that "It Factor." The sort of "It Factor" that other countries have, countries like Licthtenstein, Andorra, and whatever the hell they're calling Burma now. Something that sets you out from the crowd.

CANADA: I can work on that...

SIMON: With all due respect, I don't think you can. If I'm being honest, watching your post-war foreign policy and economic performance is like watching bad caberet on a Carnival Cruise ship where everyone's come down with a bad case of diverticulits.

RANDY: You say that every week.

SIMON: I change the disease on occasion. But watching you... well, it's a bit like watching two Canadians having sex. There's no joy, no passion, nothing really interesting going on, and both parties seem to be glancing at the TV waiting for a re-run of Kids in the Hall to take their minds off the tedium.

CANADA: (squealing with excitement) Kids in the Hall! That's one of our shows! That's Canadian, eh?!

SIMON: Yes it is. Yes it is. And it's a bit like a metrosexual MAD TV, except not as compelling.

MR. PAUL ANKA (Special Guest Judge): You have no heart, no integrity, no conscious [sic]... if you're not going to bring the sort of enthusiasm I still have for this, then we'll finish up the tour and part ways. You have three days to get this loose shit straightend out. One week!

Posted by: Ace at 12:56 PM | Comments (37)
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As some nitwit Canadian has posted heartfelt, thoughtful questions to America, I thought I would also take an interest and post some questions for Canadians. I hope that this exchange of beliefs proves beneficial to cross-border amity.

1) Now, who are you again?

2) I'm told by my friend Stinky that you're somewhere to the north of America. But I all I see on my maps is a rather poorly-thought-out landmass of islands and ice that seems to just be the southerly part of the North Pole. Can you assist me?

3) I'm sorry, but while you were answering that last question I put on a gameshow on Telemundo where chesty Latina girls jump up and down whenever a question is answered right. Or wrong. I don't know. I don't speak Spanish. So could you repeat your last answer?

And a follow-up: Do you speak Spanish? Because this one girl on the show keeps saying something that seems dirty because the audience keeps "ooooh-ing" everytime she opens her mouth, and I'd sure like to know what sort of filth is pouring out of her.

4) I seem to remember from middle-school that we sort of fought a war with you at one time. Two questions:

a) Did you actually invade America and take American territory hostage?

b) And, if so: Did we notice?

5) I'm sorry to ask this again, but you are...?

6) I was just talking with my friend Stinky about Canada. Well, that's not true. I don't think I've ever talked about Canada with anybody. But me and Stinky were at a bar doing shots of Zima and we heard this other feller down the bar say that Canada doesn't even really exist, that it's a "paper country" established by lawyers for the NHL to evade NCAA rules against recruiting 17-year-olds into professional sports. Is this true? Because, if it is, it would be somewhat interesting, and then you'd have that going for you at least.

7) A four part question:

a) Why do you have the beliefs you do about America?

b) What are those beliefs? I really have no idea. I just heard of you a week ago.

c) Why do you believe I should give a rat's red raw ass about your beliefs? Please defend your answer with evidence and examples drawn from your coursework and/or outside reading. Neatness counts.

d) When I want to know your opinion about America, I'll figure out what that opinion should be, write it down on a piece of paper, wrap it around my cock, and stick it up your ass for you. How's that soundin' to ya aboot now, eh?

Okay, I think I know who you are now. Did you play Carmine on Laverne & Shirley? Or was that someone else?

9) When you talk to people at parties, you find them frequently saying "I'll just be right back after I talk to this guy" or "See you in a bit, I need a new beer," despite the fact that they seem to be holding a full beer. These people never seem to come back to finish the conversation. Why do you suppose that is?

10) Please excuse me. I have to use the lavatorial facilities, but I swear I'll be back in jiffy. Will you wait for me? Thanks, you're a real peach.

Not Another Teenage Repost Update: As some Americans want to pretend to be Canadians when they travel abroad, I posted some suggestions as to how to successfully disguise oneself as Canadian.

Posted by: Ace at 10:45 AM | Comments (62)
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Alicia tips:

The Senate in Tallahassee is convening today for last time before easter recess. 1 PM. Don't know how long they'll take...Gov Bush has agreed that if Senate can come to an agreement in her favor....that he will go in by force and take her and give her food and water.

There's hope if you want to believe in hope. I hope no one calls me a defeatist if I say that I think this is over. Too many people seem to want this poor woman dead.

Too bad she wasn't more attractive in her brain-damaged state. Then the public might have decided that she should live.

Last-Chance (Sadly) Reading Update: University Blog rounds up pro-life liberal Nat Hentoff's four-column plea for Terri's life.

Posted by: Ace at 09:39 AM | Comments (70)
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It's time for Canada to get over its junior-high crush/hate on America and find a country that it might actually have a chance with:

WHENEVER I THINK OF CANADA . . . strike that. I'm an American, therefore I tend not to think of Canada. On the rare occasion when I have considered the country that Fleet Streeters call "The Great White Waste of Time," I've regarded it, as most Americans do, as North America's attic, a mildewy recess that adds little value to the house, but serves as an excellent dead space for stashing Nazi war criminals, drawing-room socialists, and hockey goons.

Henry David Thoreau nicely summed up Americans' indifference toward our country's little buddy when he wrote, "I fear that I have not got much to say about Canada. . . . What I got by going to Canada was a cold." For the most part, Canadians occupy little disk space on our collective hard drive. Not for nothing did MTV have a game show that made contestants identify washed-up celebrities under the category "Dead or Canadian?"

If we have bothered forming opinions at all about Canadians, they've tended toward easy-pickings: that they are a docile, Zamboni-driving people who subsist on seal casserole and Molson. Their hobbies include wearing flannel, obsessing over American hegemony, exporting deadly Mad Cow disease and even deadlier Gordon Lightfoot and Nickelback albums. You can tell a lot about a nation's mediocrity index by learning that they invented synchronized swimming. Even more, by the fact that they're proud of it.

Why wasn't I informed immediately?

After slamming Canada for a time -- which is easy to do, of course, but, contra Conan, that is what is best in life, that which is easy -- he goes up to visit this Great White Waste and see what makes it such a compelling place for leftists fleeing the tyrannical Bush regime.

Why, it's almost like Colorado in Atlas Shrugged, except colder and far less interesting.

Thanks to Joe Mama, if that is his real name, which I doubt.

And Robert offers:

I have come to learn over the years that almost all Canadians have a problem with the better US economy, jobs, the exchange rate, etc.

To compensate, Canadians are forever talking up their country. Any cab driver will be happy to relate how clean Canada is, or how uncrowded, compared to the US, even if not asked. After hearing about the many that came during the Vietnam years - about a million times - I finally developed a strategy to deal with this crap.

Now, when I get into a Canadian cab I preempt them: I go on and on about how clean Canada is, etc., etc. Then, I look about with admiration and I say: "We should buy it".

This usually is the end of the conversation.

I will remember this. If I'm ever in Canada, which I really doubt I will be, I will use it, and silently hat-tip you, sir.

And Speaking of Ayn Rand... Time for one of my all-time favorite literary put-downs.

"You don't think much of me, do you, Mr. America?" asked Canada.

"I don't think of you," said America.

I love that line.

Posted by: Ace at 09:35 AM | Comments (13)
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His conviction was affirmed, but the Yemeni President apparently understood that the times, they are a-changin'.

One little note: Armies of Liberation thanks this site for my part in helping get the word out about this guy.

The trouble is: I'm not sure I did get the word out about him at all. I may have, at most, written a single post about it, and I don't know that I even did that.

So, I don't deserve any thanks. Glad the guy is out of jail, though.

Posted by: Ace at 09:16 AM | Comments (6)
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Ahhhh... youth. I remember, when I was but a lad, knee-high to a June-bug, when liberal shitrags like Reuters were bemoaing the possibility that the Iraqi Shiites would wield their electoral majority too forcefully and shut out the rest of Iraq's ethnic groups from government. And this would of course render the government without "legitimacy" in the eyes of the only people who seem to matter (i.e., the terrorists whom Al-Reuters wish were still in charge), and would provoke the long-promised and long-anticipated (at least by the press) Iraqi Civil War.

This was... three weeks ago.

So now Iraq is forming a government based on quotas, to insure that all (or most, at least) major ethinc and religious groups are part of the new, free government... and al-Reuters, of course, changes its story completely and now whines about that:

Kurds want the defense portfolio, Shi'ites are after the interior and finance ministries, and even followers of an obscure sect that worships John the Baptist are demanding a seat in Iraq's cabinet.

Post-Saddam Hussein coalition politics has helped Iraq's quarrelsome sectarian and ethnic groups cooperate, but it is producing a system of government based on quotas which critics say hurts the country's cohesion and competitiveness.

"Such an approach simply does away with merit," senior Kurdish politician Mahmoud Othman told Reuters. "The hope lies in writing an enlightened constitution that replaces the present electoral system with more direct elections."

It's not that, in theory, and in a perfect world, this Kurdish politician is wrong. But we're not dealing with theory or a perfect world, and the quota system is the only system which will work at the moment.

But kudos to Reuters for finding one of the few politicians who doesn't grasp that and, of course, not providing a quote from one of the many thousands of politicians and academics in Iraq who could explain the situation and why the quota system is needed.

Thanks to BlakJack.

Posted by: Ace at 09:05 AM | Comments (5)
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Questions from our smugly-superior neighbors to the North. Ugghhh. Read. If you can.

I like this one (very original, too!):

5) After the world found out that there weren’t any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and President Bush announced that he was calling off the search for them, why didn’t your citizens demand that President Bush be impeached? After all, they tried to impeach Bill Clinton for lying about getting a blow job – and no one was even killed because of that.

Now who's being naive, Canada?

Posted by: Ace at 11:17 PM | Comments (82)
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I've seen forum melt-downs before. Actually, I instigated a couple of them.

They get ugly. And once the forum melts-down, old grudges tend to persist, anger and name-calling continue, and reasoned discussion -- and joking around -- become more and more difficult.

I realize that there are strong feelings about the Terri Schiavo case. And about Israel. And the War on Terror. And gay marriage. And etc., etc., etc.

But please let's all try to ratchet down the name-calling and baiting. Please. This is your buddy, Ace, asking. You know, the guy who writes funny shit about ducks.

I know I don't exactly have clean hands; I was very snide with Downtown Lad. And I know at one time I wrote to someone:

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you're a fucking moron.

But I couldn't help myself on that one. You can't fight the funny.

But by and large I've tried to be fairly tempered in my arguments with posters. Of course, I have an economic reason for doing so; I see each one of you as a dollar-sign in my army of Crazy Blog-Money soldiers.

But whatever my mercenary motives may be, let's just all try to take a deep breath and start arguing on the merits rather than up each other's noses.

I used to have a ball reading the comments. It was fun. People were funny. There were some good exchanges of opinions and some laugh-out-loud exchanges of friendly, ribbing-sorts of insults (many at my expense).

I'm not having any damn fun reading the comments now. I know you're not here to entertain me, but hopefully you are here to entertain and inform each other, and I think the current tone of the comments is not at all conducive to that.

We can disagree without being disagreeable.

At least in the comments. I reserve the right to call Keith Olbermann a fucking cocksucker anytime I damn well please.

Posted by: Ace at 08:13 PM | Comments (97)
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The Forgotten War only seems "forgotten" when good things happen:

The National Military Academy of Afghanistan graduated its first class of basic training soldiers March 17.

The 112 cadets then swore into the academy in front of three ANA generals as well as Combined Joint Task Force Phoenix commander Army Brig. Gen. Richard Moorhead and Army Col. James Wilhite of the Office of Military Cooperation-Afghanistan, as well as representatives from the Iraqi Ministry of Defense and the Turkish force commander.

...

“Everything that happened went off better than planned,” [an officer with the American training team] said. “We were there to mentor the instructors, and everyone stepped up and performed to the level they needed to in order to make the mission a success.”

Thanks to Blakjack.

Posted by: Ace at 02:00 PM | Comments (5)
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