In brief:

Crank. Better than you were expecting, particularly if, like me, you weren't expecting anything because you never even heard of this Jason Stratham comedy-action flick directed in the British faux Tarrantino-by-way-of-Guy-Ritchie style. You will not be quoting this movie in the future, you will not remember it three days later (I don't even remember the main character's name), but it's an inoffensive way to spend a quick 90 minutes.

Did you dig that frenetic coked-out ten minutes of Goodfellas when Ray Liotta is cranked up and has three thousand things to do? Well, so apparently did this director, who extended that ten minutes out into a ninety minute feature. The premise is that hitman Straitharn has been given a "Beijing cocktail" poison that will kill him, inevitably and with no cure, shortly. But he can delay his death just long enough to get vengeance if he keeps the poison at bay by keeping his adrenaline pumping -- by doing coke, driving real fast, burning his hand in a waffle iron, and having sex with his girlfriend in public in what begins as a quasi-rape. (Hey, bad behavior, true-- but he's going to die if he doesn't do these things.)

So, basically, it's Speed except the heart must be kept over 120 instead of a bus over 50.

It's more of a comedy than an action picture, and what action and graphic violence it does have is played mainly for laughs. For a revenge picture, it really doesn't deliver a satifying vengeance, but the film is mostly about the light chuckles anyhow. Stratham's character is less angry about his predicament than Costanza-frustrated that he can't seem to get things done when he needs them done.

Two and a half stars, which, by my system, means it's a competent work (even if it's competent at meeting low expectations and fulflilling low artistic ambitions), which is somewhat high praise.

Black Dahlia. Not as bad as I was expecting, which is a shame, because I was hoping for something so abysmally bad it becomes enjoyable by its sheer incompetence. So, alas, it falls into the category of "simply not worth your time, even if you want to watch something bad." Not even really worth the view when it's free on HBO. Not horrible, and I suppose there are worse ways to spend two hours, but just misconceived and meh all the way around. The only interesting thing here is that the score so closely mimics the mournful-horn refrain from L.A. Confidential that one wonders why they didn't also bother to rip off everything else from that movie, and turn in something derivative but decent. One and a half stars.

Idiocracy. This Mike Judge fillm (co-written by Ethan Cohen) was apparently shelved for a full year, and for good reason. The film is set in 2005, but got a blink-and-you'll-miss-it super-limited late 2006 release. It feels late to the party in other ways, too: I can't help but think this is a case of a writer revisiting a partial script he wrote long ago -- like maybe 10 or 15 years ago -- and trying to freshen it up. The film is set 500 years from now -- well, 499, actually; it would have been set 500 years from its release had it been released shortly after it was made -- and postulates that due to smart people deciding not to have children, while dumb people breed like bunnies, the world is now populated exclusively by... well, retards, as the film say several times, and it's pretty much a literal description. I don't know if these future-folk are technically mentally retarded, but if they're not, they're just on the Forrest Gump cusp. Many of the film's jokes feel like they're from 1995 -- a popular show in the morontopian future is called "Ow, My Balls!," and just features a "character" being kicked repeatedly in the balls. This was parodied a lot when it was more of a current observation, i.e., in the early nineties, when many noted America's Funniest Videos was more correctly titled America's Funniest Nut Crunches. And the whole degeration of culture thing, with TV shows, ads, products, and entertainment becoming more and more submoronic has been done dozens of times by now, in sci-fi movies that aren't true comedies like Robocop, Starship Troopers (Would you like to learn more?), Judge Dredd, etc. Even Demolition Man did a reasonable job of this.

That said, Luke Wilson is always appealing, and the movie has enough light chuckles and bemused smiles to make it marginally worth watching -- a somewhat interesting failure of a movie.

The movie got huge praise from the lefties, because they agree with what they take to be the film's politics -- a sustained attack on dumbshit redneck hillbilly FauxNews culture. Actually, the movie's poltiics are a bit broader, and perhaps more repellent: it's a sustained attack on the lower classes generally, not exclusively the white trailer-trash types that are lefties' preferred targets. Blacks and Hispanics get theirs, too, making this the Nazi Eugenics Propaganda Feel-Good Non-Hit of the year. (And no, I don't really think Mike Judge is a Nazi, nor that this film really pushes that agenda; it chickens out of it at various points. I'm just saying that liberals really shouldn't be pigeonholing into support for "their cause," whatever the hell that cause may be this week.)

It's a very depressing future imagined here, grim, boorish, and repellent; you can't help hoping for a Beneath the Planet of the Apes ending for these pathetic, nasty morons. So, weirdly enough, this is a comedy sci-fi movie, but the comedy aspects of it have been done nearly as well by non-comedies, and yet the actual premise is far more grim and disturbing than that found in more serious films.

And yet, what the hell, I recommend it, provisionally, as a misfire with enough going for it that it's (barely) worth the rental fee and your time. Two and a half stars.

And, since Snakes on a Plane is out on DVD now, might as well link my full review of it, which is the funniest thing I wrote all last year.

Posted by: Ace at 08:46 AM | Comments (81)
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Another "drunk" clip at Hot Air.

I'm just going to toss out an off-the-cuff idea. Maybe she's telling the truth and she's not drunk. Some of these tics and exaggerated movements remind me of Michael J. Fox when he's over- or undermedicated.

Of course, they also remind me of Paula Abdul on vodka and prescription back medication.

Posted by: Ace at 06:23 AM | Comments (31)
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The guy's a cockroach in more ways than one.

Posted by: Ace at 06:20 AM | Comments (15)
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(Not entirely safe for work, due to those stupid sex-ads that appear in a strip above the clip.)

The ultimate way to quit your job. Seems real. This guy has 1) stones and 2) a decided ambivalence about ever again finding gainful employment.

Old But Good: Top Fifty Ways To Get Fired From Your Job. I still laugh over these. Not entirely safe for work.

47. The J - E - W

When your boss enters your office while you are on the phone, quickly wrap up the call with, "I'm gonna have to call you later. The J - E - W is back."

...

42. The Ma Fratelli

Take whatever money you have in your pocket and make B&W copies of the bills on the office copy machine while laughing manically and repeating, "It's too fucking easy."

40. The Sex Chair

Insist your coworkers smell your chair, repeatedly saying that it smells like sex. Constantly comment about how hard it is to concentrate with the sweet smell of sex in the air.

*Having an erection the whole time really sells this one.

I got that via the National Lampoon website (just found out they had one). The video at the top of the list, "Two Man Inverted Street Luge" by "Stinkmitten," is pretty amusing. Not entirely safe for work. (Less safe for work when it begins playing an ad for their lame-looking sex comedy Pledge This with Paris Hilton.)

Click down to see their cut of the Apocalypto trailer, too. Pretty good.

Also... They linked this smackdown on the iPhone. I wanted to do the whole "iSpork" parody, but this guy did it already.

So yesterday at MacWorld, Steve Jobs announced the highly anticipated iPhone. It's a slick looking cell phone/iPod combo with some cool looking software, but that's really all it is. That didn't stop Jobs from talking about it like he went into the future and stole a Star Trek communicator from some homo in a jumpsuit. To be honest, I like Apple. I just can't stand Steve Jobs. He's a pompous asshole. A great businessman, but an asshole. Only an asshole could get on stage and claim that a product that is essentially the same as the PDA phones that have been around for four years is "revolutionary." I'm not saying the iPhone won't sell. Shit, Night at the Museum has been the number one movie for three weeks. Nothing surprises me anymore.

So what's wrong with the iPhone? First of all, iCan't stand the fucking iNames. iLife, iTunes, iPhoto, iDVD, iPod... Enough. It was kinda gay in 1997 when the iMac came out. Now it's got a cock so deep in its throat that if it was allergic to nuts, it'd have horrible rash on its chin.

Second, it costs $600 with a two-year contract! Are you fucking serious?! It's a cellphone right? I mean, I can get one for free, right? Oh, it's also a 4GB iPod? Well, aren't those $199? Do I look like some kinda asshole?

He does a parody of the iPhone, with the all-in-one iMadouche. Kinda funny, but I guess that's why I gave up on the "iSpork" idea. Sort of writes itself, and not with a lot of surprises.

The Stupidest Video I've Seen In Days: This guy shows you how to "dance," "hypno"-style, with your fingers.

It seems too easy and obvious to even have to explain, and he's not even very good at it.

It's very slow, but on the other hand, there's no payoff.

Posted by: Ace at 05:14 AM | Comments (34)
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Probably worth breaking the embargo for, if only to demonstrate it might be in their best interests to actually air a dissenting opinion once in a while.

The topic? Mandatory gun ownership in a Tennessee town, and the effects of gun ownership on crime rates.

Thanks to, ahem, Mobius Dick, who apparently is trying to tell us his weiner goes on infinitely.

Underpromise, overdeliver dude.

Posted by: Ace at 04:52 AM | Comments (16)
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Must watch. Parts 2 and 3 at Hot Air.

Also there: a nuke finally goes of on 24. It's like Mulder and Scully finally kissing after eight seasons. The act can't match the anticipation.

Question: Why does the British hidden-camera reporter (presumably a Muslim) have his face digitially masked when he appears on video?

What, did he forget to sign over the rights to use his image?

That must be it, right?

Posted by: Ace at 04:18 AM | Comments (19)
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Darwinism in action:

Mother-of-three Jennifer Strange was hoping to win one of Nintendo's next-gen consoles for her children. But the KDND 107.9 radio show contest she took part in had a tragic end when the woman was found dead in her Rancho Cordova, California, home.

Coroner Ed Smith, performing a preliminary investigation, found evidence that was "consistent with a water intoxication death."

The winner of the Wii game console was to be the person who managed to not go to the toilet for the longest amount of time, despite consuming large quantities of water. Contestants had to drink an eight-ounce bottle of water every 15 minutes--one quit after five bottles. In the later stages of the competition, the remaining entrants were given even bigger bottles to drink.

Kid: "Dad, why did Mom die?"

Dad: "Because God decided it was her time."

Kid: "Why was it her time?"

Dad: "Because Call of Duty 3 would be wasted on a chick."

Posted by: AndrewR at 06:54 PM | Comments (145)
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That was quick:

From its cast of spies, presidents and billionaires to its execution with poison, the death of Alexander Litvinenko always sounded like it had come from the script of a Hollywood thriller.

Now Tinseltown is looking to return the favour. Two films about the murder of the former KGB agent in London last year are under development with the involvement of the actors Johnny Depp and John Malkovich.

Can't be worse than The Bourne Identity, I suppose.

Posted by: AndrewR at 06:40 PM | Comments (23)
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Way to give it the ol' college try, boys!

The Palestinian Authority security forces have foiled an attempt by Hamas to assassinate senior PA leaders in the Gaza Strip, including PA Chairman Mahmoud Abbas and Fatah legislator Muhammad Dahlan, Palestinian security sources said Monday.

The sources said that over the past few days the security forces discovered a number of underground tunnels in the northern Gaza Strip that were dug along major roads used by PA and Fatah leaders. Some of the tunnels were also discovered beneath the homes of top Fatah officials in the same area, the sources said.

Abdel Hakim Awad, a senior Fatah official in the Gaza Strip, said tons of explosives were discovered in the tunnels, some of which were traced back to the interior of Hamas-controlled mosques.

I used to think the Palestinians were a disgrace, but now I just think they're a joke; I laughed out loud when I read the article. It reminded me of how my friends and I, when we were little kids, used to dig snow forts and tunnels and so forth and then have snowball fights to see who could conquer who.

Except that we never got money from the U.N. or had leftist academics publish our "resistance" poetry when our Zionist parents dragged us inside for dinner.

This sort of stuff does certainly show us one thing, though, for anyone willing to take it seriously: Namely, that these guys have no desire to have their own state. Oh sure, they bitch and moan about how they're being oppressed, but is it really a country they want?

I don't think it is. Even imagine Israel out of the picture: can you really see them disarming and deciding to lead quiet lives as civil servants instead? I can't. They're having too much fun. Their view of their country, so far as that term applies, seems to be much closer to the Thunderdome motto: Two factions enter, one faction leaves.

I wonder if we could somehow get Hezbollah involved? Just to, you know, see if this situation could get any more fucked up and barbaric than it already is.

My suggestion? Cannibalism. You can do it, guys. Go for the gold.

If you all don't start eating each other soon, I'm changing the channel.

Posted by: AndrewR at 04:46 PM | Comments (48)
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In case you're into the "The Monk." It's on USAToday. A couple of good episodes still to come, including the funny Mexican adventure.

I know, you're all watching 24.

Alas, the DVR can only record two shows at the same time. So I'm missing 60 Minutes' bits on Bush and Nifong. I'm sure HotAir will have the good bits of those, though.

Monk Can Kick Jack Bauer's Ass: At least he's got the guts to go after the hippies, like Alice Cooper.

Posted by: Ace at 05:55 PM | Comments (229)
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